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Is it fiction or a long buried secret
August 25, 2009
12:37 pm
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chelonia mydas
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I am struggling and I really want to just drown in work right now because I just can't deal with this. I need to clean my house, but I'm by myself, alone with my thoughts and I would rather just play computer games or go volunteer somewhere than be here thinking. I've thought of hiring someone to come help me, just to have someone to talk to while we clean. But its so bad right now, I'm too embarrassed to allow another human in my home.

I know sharing makes it not such a big secret, but this one really is big and secret and not talked about ever. There was too much to loose. Even now with all my logic and education and age I'm still afraid.

At the same time I don't even know if it is true. What if all this is just made up in my head and I'm just crazy? That seems to be the better idea for all this. I would rather be crazy than face that this is true. Better yet, let me just not deal with it. How do you know if it is true? Why put it out to the Universe if it isn't true? There is so much suffering already, why add it to the mix? Why not spend time just focusing on the wonderful aspects. But right now I'm consumed with this struggle of trying to ignore these thoughts and they are just too present and invasive. Like weeds crowding out a garden. Its hard to focus on the beautiful flowers when they are shrowded in weeds. But how do you pull out weeds if you aren't sure they are even there?

I hate my uncle so much right now and I can't call my grandma. I want to check on her, but I just don't call, when I think about it there is always some excuse not to. I want to go see her, but I know that I can't tell her, but afraid that I will. Even if I did, I don't think she would beleive me. He wrecked multiple trucks driving drunk and each time it happened it was because he was tired or reaching for a coke etc. He is a pillar in the community and most folks are either afraid of him or kiss his ass to win favors. He has power in that small farming town of about a thousand (at its peak there were several thousand). He and his group even made his wife the county sherrif for over a decade so he could do as he pleased without punishment, especiallly when it came to racial issues. (His criminal record didn't allow him to get into law enforcement) Now the county has no real industry or income because farming has declined and he and his cronies drove all other options away for fear that minorities might move in. Now the adjacent counties are thriving because they welcomed industry and all the people who sought the opportunities that came with it. He is such a stupid racist that he is actually very proud that he has kept these people at bay. Little does he see that this community will be a ghost town soon because of his actions. I am embarrassed to be associated with him, let alone related.

I don't even know if I believe these dreams anymore. When I try to look at it and just let it be I wonder if I just read too many VC Andrews books in middle school and made it all up. This crap couldn't have happened, but then why is it even in my head? If it was just stuff I read, then I should also believe in Narnia and Middle Earth and golden eyed civilizations on Mars. But I remember it about as well as something causually read so long ago. Actually I remember more details from the Shakespeare plays I read in school than these events. There are parts I remember clearly, but most is just not rememorable. If it was real, you would think all of it would be etched in my soul so clearly that the images/events would never fade or be fuzzy. But I can't even recall that much, just bits and pieces of different things.

I struggle so much now because this was a big secret I could't talk about, never an option. Now with the recent death of my grandfather, all my reasons for not facing it are gone. At first I didn't want him to kill my dog, who was my protector from my father's druken rages and mothers perverse friends. When my dog died (of old age at 17), I started to have the dreams again, but escaping that is what got me through college with 2 jobs and a 3.9 gpa. It was easier to work myself to oblivion than deal with it. I also still had my grandfather to consider. It would ruin him to know this about his son. Not only did I hold the secret of my uncle but the secret of my father's second life. So as the family secret keeper and caregiver I carried my burdens and continued on with life as best as I could.

Before it was so easy to keep it hidden, to not remember. Even with him there, I loved the farm, at least there I had nature and animals everywhere. I didn't want to loose the farm's refuge of a few weeks every summer filled with long days exploring the fields and creeks, looking for rocks and turtles. It was always better than the city. When I went on adventures in the city I had to watch everything and the slightest mistake could end in disaster. I had been mugged and raped, which was still better than having my mother pimp me out for blow jobs on our dentist in exchange for her drugs. At least on my own I was responsible for running into the wrong person or not being careful. With her I was just a commidity to be traded.

It was easy to hide what happened on the farm. I didn't want it to be true because I didn't want the farm to be tainted like that. At the same time, what happened gave me power over my uncle that most didn't have. So as much as I hated it, I'm confused and part of me is kinda proud. Which is really really sick. Its probably all just in my head. It really can't be true.

On the farm it only happened once and I got revenge. She taught me well and I had plenty of practice anytime she wanted her pills. Sometimes I wonder in her drugged stupidity if she even bragged at what a good little cocksucker I was. After all I had years of practice by this time as well as exposure to a variety of porn. He had a gun and said he heard I was the best and I should prove it. We were way out in the fields and no one would hear so I did as he demanded but then I realized I would rather die than keep doing this. I wanted him to shoot me- so I bit him with the intention of biting it off completely. If I was going to die I would take him down in the process. He was in so much pain he dropped the gun and I ran- he eventually found me lost on the road trying to get back to the farm. He kicked the shit out of me for it, but it was worth it. Everyone beleives I fell out of a tree and he got to be my hero. But through the years I stood up to him after that, one of the few in the community who could tell him to fuck off without his "boys" coming to punish me. After that night he never messed with me again. Even now the family calls me in when they need someone to stand up to him. Until recently I would comply. I would return and no one knew how afraid I am everytime I go back. And until the dreams started returning, I didn't really understand why I was always so full of anxiety and panic.

After I moved 1000 miles away to the coast and better understood what safe felt like, where I had choices on my own, I realized the farm wasn't the paradise I beleived it to be. For years I went without contact from my family, in the city or on the farm. Recently I've begun to reconnect- partly for my nieces and nephews, and partly to speak on behalf of my dead father when it came to making decisions on my grandparents future. But this last time on the farm was especially hard, everything was backwards. Grandpa was dying and I got to say my goodbyes. Now that he is gone, I have no reasons left to keep this secret, except myself and this nagging feeling that it has to be fiction, just a figment of my imagination. Why endure this pain if it is just pretend. I just need to let it go, but it won't go.

I don't have the same desire to hide this from my grandma. I always thought grandma should've known, and should have helped me and not just from my uncle but my mother too. She knew everything- all the gossip. How could she know everything but not know that? Especially as a teen I was convinced she knew but chose to protect him instead, because he is her favorite. She always favored him, of all the sons, why him? Once my Dad died, I realized that he kept his secret from her, so she didn't know everything. Still, he doesn't deserve to get the farm or anything- but yet If I dissociate from it all I do logically see why Grandpa did what he did, especially after seeing how my other two uncles acted when I was there. The uglyuncle plays a good role of the good son who will care for the farm after thay are gone. My grandparents love that land more than anything else in the world. It just sucks so much that it is turning out this way. I want him to be punished, to get nothing, to suffer. Why am I obsessing so much anyway? Why can't I just let it go? Its in the past or just in my mind, I can't change it, why continue to torment myself about it? If only I weren't so afraid of my dreams. I can't sleep most nights, my house is a mess and I just want to escape into computer games.

Looking at this from an outsiders view, I probably need counseling, but living in Mexico its hard to find someone who can provide help within the context of a disfunctional midwestern family strucutre. I have interviewed a couple of counselors, but their views and advice are based in the values and culture of Mexico. As they should be. In addition it is also difficult for me to admit to the horrible racism of my family to someone whose race was the target of their rage and hate crimes. I am so different than that- but I just can't risk them thinking that about me too. But this is probably just another tactic to continue to hide from dealing with this.

So if you have read this far, thank you for your patience in my wandering thoughts.

I appreciate being able to get this out. Now I'm going to try to go do 1 task. If its still shady in the garden, I'll weed it. If the sun is already there, I'll do dishes. I've got to just do babysteps and stay off this silly computer. Its taken me all night to get this out, with so many tears and anxiety. I'll try to sleep. I should be tired enough now to not dream.

Maybe I'll download an audiobook to listen to while I work. I haven't done that in a while and I do enjoy listening to stories.

I'm going to hit submit, although I'm not sure I should. But nothing is going to change if I don't do something different. I haven't resolved it on my own so far and now it is returning as a festering infected wound that has been too long covered. Irregardless of its existance in reality or imagination, it is something I need to exorcise from my brain and limit its continued putrification of my soul from years of ignoring its existance.

August 25, 2009
1:25 pm
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mistyrain
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do you mean some of the bad stuff that has happened to you your not sure if it actually happened? I feel that way cause i want to deny it but i dont know if its true or not even though the facts add up.

August 25, 2009
2:04 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear Chelonia,

You have had a breakthrough...writing it down and (finally) hitting "send." I am really proud of you. You have taken that first Huge Step: BREAKING THE SILENCE. Even if you took the step here on these threads, it still counts.

And yes...it really happened. And yes...now you are free to tell the Truth. All of the Truth.

You will do it when you are ready. Posting here was a huge step towards your own recovery.

Your family robbed you. Robbed you of your innocence, of the sense of safety which all children need and deserve...of your peace, as an adult.

It is time for justice to be done.

I can also guarantee that -- if he did it to you (and he DID) -- he did it to others. And they (the women in your family who should have kept you safe) KNEW.

Keep posting. You can do this.

- Ma Strong

August 25, 2009
2:40 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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{{{{{{Chelonia}}}}}} Sweetheart I have no words to offer you. I wish we could set down over tea and let you spill it all to me but we can't. I was molested by an "uncle" but not to the extent you were. Just keep writing. Just keep talking. Other than that I have no advice.

Now about your house. Go to Flylady.net and follow directions. Her big thing is you are not behind. Jump in where you are. Clean your kitchen sink first and then do the next thing and the next. I follow her most of the time. FLY stands for Finally Loving Yourself. This week we are in the master bedroom. Yestday we were to get the cobwebs off the ceiling. I haven't read what we are doing today. But join me and it will almost be like we are helping each other clean. I will be there with youo in my thoughts.

Bitsy

August 25, 2009
3:41 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Thanks for reading and your support.

Yes it feels like a story or movie- not like it could have happened, but it does add up, except no one talks about it or admits to it. It happened almost 20 years ago.

I've kept it buried and just worked 2-3 jobs to stay so busy I couldn't think about anything or deal with it. Then about 5 years ago I got a really good job that made enough and has me on call 24/7 so I can't have a second job. So now I have had time to think and process what happened.

When I was a kid, DSS was involved, but I never told them about that part of it. They saw the bruises and the neighboors reported the fights. They knew I was a chronic run away. I was expelled from middle school for my repeated vulgar, violent and disruptive behavior. My foster mom changed my life along with a teacher and a neighboor. Without those three women, I wouldn't have survived. I got counseling- but because I didn't tell them everything, they could only help me with the alcholism and drug abuse issues of my family. We never addressed the other stuff.

My mom has changed our family history as she tells it. When I tried to ask/confront her about it a couple years ago she says that I was having a fling with our dentist, that I just couldn't get enough of him. Yeah- what elementary school girl likes oral sex? But she is back to drugs so its a lost cause. I am in touch with her so I can keep up with my nieces and nephews.

As for my Uncle, I'm pretty sure he abused his daughters. One of them married a pedophile who abused their two little girls. The family has rallied around her and he is now in jail. That cousin is refusing medication and suffers from many mental disorders, so has since lost her girls to the state for continued neglect. My aunt (her mother) is trying to take them in, but so far they won't release them to her because my uncle refuses to care for them because they are mixed race.

August 25, 2009
3:47 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Hi Bitsy, we must have cross posted.

I've been to FLYlady and it is a great site. I've used it off and on- but just got out of the habit.

I will take you up on your offer to FLY together for a while. I have a few cages to clean too. Thats the part I try to make a priority. Then the other stuff comes later. I shouldn't have to work extra hours for the next few months- which will help with the house keeping too.

Now to go get something to eat and go shopping. The dogs had to eat cat food this morning because I ran out. They were super happy for the fatty meal.

August 25, 2009
4:19 pm
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MsGuided
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(((chelonia)))

I'm so sorry this is how your childhood was.

You mentioned Power quite a bit and this is the crux of the situation.

Power and entitlement. Throw in racism, sexism and their isn't much a woman can do within this dynamic except escape, placate or give up. YOU at least didn't give up! You got away when you were of age.

You also managed to get a good education, be employed and work to a better position.

How many women live like this and are "primed" from barely walking or later. Too MANY!

What helps? I don't know for you, I don't know becuase i didn't have a life like this, but in my mind i have to look at the players as who they are. Stay away from a misogynistic environment. I don't do well in those circumstances either.

I feel fortunate i live in an area where it isn't so prevalent and encompassing.

The women ( mothers, aunts and sisters) all victims, with their own personalities and different coping mechanisms. Yea they served you up for their gain, or chose to ignore to keep themselves from being abused, but they were too pathetic to be brave like you.

It's really out of your hands and all you need to do is heal yourself, or at least find a way to cope.

Take care of your environment, and weed the garden. Clean the sink, step by step. They are there and you have found a better place.

Don't feel guilty for asserting yourself.

You manage your life, your pets, and other people and I doubt you use profane methods to deliver discipline.

Maybe you're a little angry due to the past and it's comming out. I hope you find a way to curb that. I have the same struggle.

It's not easy when others choose to target YOU just to bolster an agenda or hide THEIR weakness's, and you feel you're on the defense all the time. People will use your anger to bring you down. I don't see this happen to men as much AT ALL!

Just use your safe places to let it out. You're doing just fine!

Be Well!

August 26, 2009
7:37 pm
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chelonia mydas
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MsG,

Thanks for the support and your wonderful comments.

I've been pretty stagnent today. Took the cat to the vet cause he was sick and continued to work on writing about all that is in my head. I haven't done much with the house, but did trim a few trees yesterday and went shopping with a friend.

My boss called me today to say that during the investigation the rumors of us sleeping together have surfaced again. There are three people that perpetuate this. I've written about it on other threads. One of them has recently been doing work at the station and seems to have gotten everyone stirred up again. The HQ folks like her becuase her project gets a lot of grant money. She and two of her cronies have a vengence against me because they are jealous. I thought she was behind this worker thinking I picked on him. But now it confirms that she is behind it because he is saying that I got my position because of my sexual relationship with my boss. this worker isn't comfortable with the working environment because I get protections and favors from my boss that allow me to be a tyrrant to all the workers. Its ridiculous and something that seems to come up every 12-18 months- all centered around this group of three women.

At this point, if it comes out in the official report I'm going to file for sexual harrassment- they either need to supply proof of this relationship or issue a public apology. Since the relationship doesn't exist, I'd like to see what proof they have. Right now rumor has it that we were seen in a local store together, shopping. Of course in the past they have seen us having sex in a store- but yet neither one of us was arrested and in this case it was in the US, where public displays of sex acts would mandate being listed as a sex offender. We do go shopping together when he comes by the station. A visit to the local pulga isn't the erotic adventure you would envision for the types of activities they are claiming we do.

I hope HQ finally pulls its head out its ass and stops paying attention to this group.

August 27, 2009
5:50 pm
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MsGuided
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Chelonia.

I think you have grounds for a harassment suit. Why not just do it. You can just go through HR, AND if your claims are with merit most likely these people will be suspended. They need a wake up call, need to realize they can't act in an unprofessional manner.Offer up all the instances this has happened, and voice that the work environment, concerning this group of people, is malignant and ongoing.

THEY are the ones going through HR and creating the trouble.

Sexual harassment and theft are grounds for immediate dismissal, so they are really trying to oust you in the easiest manner.
It isn't easy though. There has to be proof!

Here if a person slips up in the workplace there's a series of warnings and write ups. It's a long process.

My partner had 2 situations at work with his superiors and he launched a harassment complaint and WON! He had grounds, proof and documantation, but this was concerning paperwork and job duties.

Sexual harassment. HOOWEE. That is a really Low BLOW!

If you have grounds, and the claims are false DO IT! Stop this once and for all. Don't let them call the shots and set the tone.

Maybe it's time to fight back, contact HR...but on the other hand with you gone, the trouble makers could be hanging themselves bigtime.

I feel for you. There's nothing worse than being falsly accused and targetted. ( well there is but U know!) ;0)

August 27, 2009
6:07 pm
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truthBtold
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((((Chelonia))))

Oh honey, we are only as sick as our secrets and good for you for hitting send!

No, no fiction here at all....whatsoever - IMHO.

(Recently, I changed my home # to an unlisted one as a way of 'no contact' with my parents - and when one of my nieces emailed me about it - Man, I just let it rip about my father and mother and all the shit that went down and copied my other niece in the email as well.)

NO MORE FUCKING ELEPHANT IN THE LIVING ROOM!!!!!!!!!

Please know Chelonia, that here - you are believed. Here, you DO have a soft place to fall......

(((((Chelonia))))

August 27, 2009
6:10 pm
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Chelonia, I also think you should contact human resources. It isn't only your job on the line it is also that of your boss and he is in a much more vulnerable position. He would probably appreciate it since there is no relationship.

Bitsy

September 5, 2009
10:25 pm
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chelonia mydas
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I'm really having a hard time tonight. It feels like I'm just such a failure at everything.

I'm going to get in trouble at work because they found that in my zeal to get things done, I've not followed an unwritten chain of command- where I have go do to the lead researcher for every work order and question and not discuss work projects with the people doing them. According to my boss, that's the way the previous manager did it. When really he didn't do it at all and the lead researchers did what they wanted, which is one of the things HQ wanted changed. Because two (out of 26 workers) are saying that I'm mean and another 4 provided examples of when I discussed their projects with them directly and didn't go through the lead researchers, my boss has decided that he will prove to everyone that he doesn't favor me by publically repremanding me and ensuring that I abide by this heirarchy. Which will destroy my ability to lead these people. The two that think I'm mean are field workers. One (out of 5) of the lead researchers has issues with me going to their staff, but he is also the brother of the Police Chief. And he has been lying to both me and the staff and playing us against eachother. But will my boss address it? no... because he doesn't want to hurt his feelings or reinforce that he favors me. During the investigation one of the complainers even said that he has issues with taking orders from a woman. Is he being punished? only that he has to take training on being open to people of all races and genders.

I'm the manager, I should be able to manage how I see fit and I should get support when my staff cries that they don't like it, especially considering the situation I've been put in. During my first month we discussed these potential fits and they promised that they would back me. This is so ridiculous. One of the other research leaders even came to me to say that what they are proposing is stupid and she is going to talk to them about it tomorrow. She doesn't want the extra work and I know the station better than most because I used to come and just hang out watching wildlife on my days off when I had my previous position.

So on top of all this I'm having to juggle whether I want/can go to the US to visit my grandmother and face all the demons that await me there (read first post if you are just reading this)

And then last night an injured nighthawk was brought to the station. I had to manually euthanize it because it was suffering and its injuries were too severe for long term survival, but had nature taken its course the poor bird would have slowly died of starvation. I was very upset and it really affected me. Whenever I have to do that for the good of the animal, especially when I have to be the one to carry out the actual euthanasia, it brings back all the memories and guilt and emotions from my time as a shelter worker/animal cruelty investigator. I still haven't and probably will never recover from all I had to do to ensure that animals didn't suffer while still saving as many as possible. Although I'm well practiced, it never has gotten easier, actually just the opposite because it seems to compound with every life I take.

So I call my friend/boss for support. He knew about the nighthawk. He left me alone with it while I let it have some time outside and see its final sunset and die hearing the sounds of the other nighthawks, which is the best I could do to end its suffering.

He then calls me later and I'm starting to come to terms with the day (earlier he interviewed me and gave me the conclusions of the investigation). I ask him to keep it light. And starts talking about everything I do wrong at work and how he's planning to punish me and why. I ask him to stop and start crying uncontrolably and he says that he can't deal with this and hangs up on me.

So I can't sleep last night and was so upset I'm sick. Its not just him or work, but everything, why is this all crashing down on me now?

Why am I dealing with my abuse and the struggles I'm having with if I should tell my grandma and the fact that she is in her late 90s. Then having the whole guilt and dispair that life is so unfair that sometimes the most compassionate thing to do is end the life of a suffering creature.

Today I was just so overwhelmed by it all that I shut my door and sat on the floor and bawled. I haven't talked to my grandma in weeks. I know she is suffering and I wish I could be there for her. My sister tells me she really wants me to come out and has asked me to call her. I tried today, which is actually what lead to the overwhelmed bawling session on my office floor.

Then tonight he calls and wants to let me know that he isn't childish and won't stop talking to me because he has to punish me at work. I'm like really??? after I've shared with him about my issues with euthanasia and how hard it was for me to take care of the nighthawk. I've even shared a little of what I'm struggling with on my family issues (he knows my Uncle is KKK and a very bad man and I don't want to deal with him and didn't go to my grandfather's furneral because of issues).

I told him I wasn't going to talk with him causually until after this whole investigation, heirarchy and punishment was over. I can't deal with it, especially listening to what a screw up I am as a manager. Does he remember that just 2 weeks ago they were so happy the station was turning around and had so many complements on how well I was doing. No- the employees cry and they are there to wipe their tears and asses. Its stupid and significant at the same time.

I've dedicated my life to making a difference and I really want to turn this research station around. There is so much potential here, the habitat is so diverse and there is so much that can be discovered and saved here and its just going to shit because the workers are used to doing what they want.

We all knew there were going to be pains from change, we even discussed it when I first got this job. I just didn't expect them to knock the rug out from under me. That's what is pissing me off and its limiting my ability to feel like I can make a difference now. But at this point I have no where to go. They eliminated my previous position due to the poor economy.

I've survived my life because I've always had the goal to save animals. I have been doing work that was worth while and made a difference for animals. When I worked in the shelters, I saw the animals I saved, I saw them get adopted. But I can't do that anymore becuase I just can't take the constant euthanasia and/or turning away suffering animals.

When I worked in the schools I saw the kids gain confidence and life skills in addition to learning the info to pass the test. I also had lots of time outside connecting them to nature. But I wasn't good at playing by the rules and teaching to the test, so that's not really an option to return to. I would last a few years, then get fired because I'm there to teach kids life skills that will help them succeed. Not pander to some stupid test.

This job running the research station was suppose to be perfect, but I just need to realize that it is not. It is what it is. My contribution is in processing paperwork and non-profit/government bureaucracy. I don't get to see the fruits of my labor as readily as I'm used to. So this set back is significant, because it directly will impact the performance of the staff I supervise.

And I just need to work through my other non-work issues as best as I can.

I spent some time this afternoon in my garden and with all my pets. I plan to go in early and walk some of the trails at the station. That should help me get through this. And stay strong at keeping boss/friend out of my life. He really isn't much of a friend, but right now he is all I have for a local friend. How pathetic is that?

At least I have AAC. Even if you don't read all of this long post. I feel better just writing it. Sometimes just getting it out into the light weakens even the meanest of demons and helps to see how things aren't as big as they feel.

September 7, 2009
3:33 am
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Anam Cara
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chelonia mydas

I wanted to give you a full crop of thoughts over your situation - thought about you on and off yesterday.

What was left for to say --- Evil hates nice people and attacks it when nice people are vulnerable. Keep your head when all about you are attacking you - and be a man my cyber daughter.

I have been in a like situation many times but it was easier for me because I do not bleed for the world as you do and of course I am a man. Your gender is a tender thing - be kind to it.

Evil is in charge in this world = accept it and get over it.
Love. AC

September 7, 2009
7:44 am
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Chelonia, My heart also hurts for you. It is painful to feel that your best isn't good enough. Chin up girlfriend. I know it doen't help much

Bitsy

September 9, 2009
2:42 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Anam and Bitsy,

Thanks for your support and advice. It is greatly appreciated.

Anam, It is sad to think that Evil runs the world, but it does appear to be the case. But I cannot accept that. My reason for existence on the planet is to fight against it.

I found a website that really made sense to me. It talked about people who are "Indigo" and "Lightworkers". While some of it was very new agey and metaphysical, some of the concepts really helped me feel better about my situation and have given me a new view and strength that I haven't had before. A lot of what was said here, seems to fit me- although I've never felt like I fit anywhere before. Although there is one main point of this webpage that I strongly disagree with- they feel that being Indigo or a Lightworker is a matter of birth. I think it is something that everyone has the potential to be, but not everyone has taken the opportunity. But irregardless, it is still something that has provided a new insight that is helping me deal with all this.

Here is the part that has really spoken to my soul. I've cut and pasted it directly from the website- the link is provided below

"The Indigo passages are particularly rough and difficult for a reason. They burn away the dross and lassitude and inner ignorance and fear and temper us for strength in our true work here. The personal victory over our problems in our personal lives and our discovery and use of the unique Indigo gifts we have gives us the depth of experience to weather the difficulties the entire world faces. With our own rough passages behind us, our job is to assume a role of mentor and quiet leadership for those who also seek Light. All the pain and suffering is our ‘been there, done that, here’s what I did to get past it’ card. And it teaches us perseverance and gives us a depth of inner reserve that will be needed in the difficult days to come.

The current war is one obvious symptom of the great spiritual rot that has been growing in the world for the last half century. In spite of incredible technological advances and breakthroughs, people have sunk into incredible depths of helplessness, physical and spiritual poverty, ignorance, fear, and religious fanaticism. Others have taken the opportunity of the general indifference to their governments and communities to seize and consolidate power, squashing all competition and dissent. The gap between the rich and poor – in both material and spiritual matters- has become enormous. Miscommunication and disinformation is rife, and Truth is a rare and fleeting thing. Everything has its particular ‘spin’, and the absurd is now normal. We have great technological tools and incredible scientific advances, but they are being put to horrible use. Good ideas are being buried under piles of litigation. A great cloud of fear-filled darkness is enveloping our world. A tiny number of power- addled people is steering the great mass of humanity and its world into darkness and spiritual slavery.

What is the Indigo purpose? Our purpose is to anchor small, but growing points of Light, Life, and Love into these growing spots of darkness- to provide a place and means of hope, awakening, and insight which will begin to dissipate the darkness. This is done in a natural and subtly quiet way, not by forceful preaching or screaming in the streets. Indigos must use our natural Gifts and our particular places in our communities to establish and anchor the Light, and do it in such a way that the community we serve believes that they did it on their own. (They may eventually discover the Lightworker in their midst, but they will have to look carefully!) Our strength will give strength to those who feel hopeless, and Awaken them, permitting them to shine their own Light into the darkness. Person by person, soul by soul, light by light, the vast majority of people will outstrip the spiritual darkness and turn this world around. Fear will be replaced by love and tolerance. Ignorance will be replaced by knowledge. Lassitude will be replaced by action. Dogma will be replaced by direct understanding. Balance will be restored to both humanity and the planet. We will become true spiritual peers, not the ‘us’ and ‘them’ of the old ways. When a critical turnover point is reached in the relighting of our world, our awareness of this planet as a living, conscious being will become more commonplace. People calling themselves Earth Talkers will appear, speaking for the local areas, directing the inhabitants to utilize the land in an optimal way. As people Awaken, they will become more attuned to the Greater World- our local Cosmos- the sun, moon and planets, and learn to work with their cycles of energy to heal both themselves and the planet.

This breakover to Light will begin slowly, but as it propagates into the world, will pick up speed and flash into reality, overturning the darkness in a dramatic manner. The old oppressors will try to keep their stranglehold on the planet, but in turn will also realize the Light will heal them as well. In letting go of the old way of imbalance, they help to return the world to stability, peace, and balance.

This is our purpose. This is our mission. This is why we have been run through the grinder. Now that you have an idea of the Big Picture, you can begin to see a way to make it happen. It is a change of mind, a change of heart, and an opening to our greater potential as human beings. It can be done without the weapons, terror, death, and suffering of the Darkness. It is happening now, and you are part of it.

Here is the link...

http://www.sunfell.com/passages.htm

September 9, 2009
3:13 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Here is a Youtube video that I somehow stumbled on about the same time I found that website... Another source of inspiration to get through all the BS to keep my focus on making a difference and not wallowing in self pity and running from the demons of my past.

Here are parts that have especially inspired me.

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it.

"We are a part of the Earth and it is part of us" Chief Seattle

There will be terrifying mountains of ignorance to conquer and they shall find prejudice and hatred. We must be dedicated, unwavering in our strength, and strong of heart. We will find willing hearts and minds that will follow us on this road of returning "Mother Earth" to beauty and plenty - once more.

"When we show respect for other living things, they respond with respect for us" Arapaho Proverb

As each as passes it cannot be reclaimed. Now is the time we begin to prepare ourselves to become inheritors of Mother Earth. To become Warriors of the Rainbow - for the sake of our children's children and all humanity. The road to the future is not red. It is a rainbow leading to the creators grace by way of prayer, good works, faith. To be chosen to walk the path to Light is not a decision made by some religious leader, a government agency or politician. Our very survival depend on it. It is a personal choice made by a mind and heart made free of idols of modern materialism. It is a decision made between you and the Creator, one with nature and all creation.

The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. Albert Einstein.

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Rabindranath Tagore

September 9, 2009
3:23 pm
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Were it not for my faith, the evil in this world would have crushed me, decades ago. I did read your entire posting and my heart goes out to you. May you be blessed for your mercy and kindness in that nighthawk's final hours.

- Ma Strong

September 9, 2009
3:35 pm
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Anam Cara
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chelonia mydas - been alive now for some considerable years now - in that time I have read much about Indigo purpose.
What is missing in my opinion, is our weak human condition to deal with the darkness - a touch of which you have felt recently.

You see I have come to accept that sadness is all part of our lives here - as i said "get over it".
The last war is just a for instance - those with the guns ruled - millions upon millions died.

Indigo purpose - well what good would it have done in the situation of the death camps other than to pray - which I am sure we all need to do.

My hopes have often been dashed after good meaning people have throughout history have been gunned down. It's a brave person who stood up and said - I have a dream!

How do i deal with my life in this situation - well I accept the sadness - and do my little bit to live
a better life and show my side of the coin.

We do have power I grant you. The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. Albert Einstein.
Come on Albert get off it - good words but understand we are only human and when we are pricked we bleed.

I Love your purpose chelonia mydas.

September 9, 2009
3:42 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Some recent epiphanies, inspired by the preceding things and just some thought and other random internet surfing.

My past as much as I don't want to face it, has made me who I am. I'm not afraid to to be in a supervisor position and live alone in a foreign country that looks down on women. But why not? its because I know I've survived much worse. Even if I am beaten and raped, I know that I've already lived through it. Not that I'm looking for it to happen, but that I know it won't destroy me if it does.

I'm used to being outcast and not liked and not fitting in. I've already learned to cope with being alone and being lonely.

I'm easily hurt, but no one usually knows that. I've learned to hide it well.

All of this is helping me now. Of course I'm going to face adversity here. My job is to help bring awareness and solutions to the destruction of our environment. Its to help the local people change their ways to better support the protection of what is left of their native habitats.

I need to change my thinking and just learn to expect adversity and resistance and chaos. As much as I beleive in this job and the mission, the people that I work with are not all on that page. Many of them are here for a paycheck and some are here to push their own recognition, agenda or plan. I am here to provide for their needs as long as its fits the overall goals/mission of the research station. The difficulites of the past are there to help prepare me for this and other tasks in the future to help the Earth.

Yes those are formidable demons in my past, but they should no longer scare me. They should instead empower me and remind me that I am stronger and better because I have survived and thrived in spite of them. I don't take credit for doing it alone, but I did choose to accept help when it was offered. I did what I had to in order to cope and move on. And in the end I am here. I am not on drugs, alcohol or other escapes. I am doing my best to be engaged in this world/my life and as long as I continue to face my life as best as I can I have succeeded.

I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I really need to rev up to keep going. I need to try to make some good of this. If I only focus on the bad then I will destroy myself. And yes it is me doing it to myself. The people in my past that did this to me are no longer a threat or danger. I am now in control of my life. So if these demons harm me, it is because I offer myself up to them. But no, that will not happen. I will stand on them to gain strength for the times ahead. This job will not kick my butt, my past will not consume me.

The world needs more people to stand up and say that there is hope, there is a way to become better, to heal, to overcome our current downward spiral. If I am too consumed by my past, then there is one less voice. I choose to be part of the light of the world, to shine on irregardless of the darkness that surrounds me or is within me. Even if my light is only visible to myself because the dark fog is so thick, I can only hope that others will join me. I have a feeling that once I open my eyes I will find many others that shine in their own way. But the evilness of the world shrouds them in darkness and it is only in the edges of your own light that you can make out their's.

September 9, 2009
3:54 pm
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Anam Cara
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Gosh - whoosh - get it out girl - this is why we heal here.

I might even get to flirting with you next!
I admire this spirit, it is so attractive.

Of course we have personal power - that is, if we keep our own clock turning and stop others winding up our spring.

Love. AC

September 9, 2009
4:40 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Hi Ma and Anam,

You both posted while I was writing the above.

Ma, I agree that faith is very powerful. Thank you for supporting my actions for the poor nighthawk. I'm still saddened everytime I hear them now.

Anam, you have helped me with so many things in my life, some you maynot even be aware of. I understand your misgivings about what Albert says, yes we are mortal and can be dominated by force. When good people are being gunned down, it doesn't help the world. Yes when you are killed for your intentions, goodness and actions then you can't help others in the future. But please, let me share a different view of this.

Look at the example of Dian Fossey, she did a world of good for the Mountain Gorrillas and she was murdered for her efforts. But that shouldn't keep Jane Goodall from working with the Chimpanzees. She was not murdered and continues to be a lighthouse of inspiration and support for wildlife protection and conservation. Should Jane have not worked with Chimps becuase Dian was killed? Both researchers have saved species and provided a wealth of information on animal behavior.

There will always be extremes where victims are at a loss to make change. The concentration camps are a great example of an entire nation becoming victims and being only able to hold on by threads and luck. No amount of goodness or intention or strength helped anyone survive a trip to the gas chamber. But those who weren't victims of the Nazis, had a choice. It was only because entire nations of people stood up to liberate those targeted by the Nazi's that their evil goals were pushed down and not allowed to continue. Had those leaders and soldiers "looked on and done nothing" then today there would be no Jews and we would be living in a much different and more evil world than what we know now.

Yes, good people are gunned down. Good people are targeted by evil. But good people need to be there in numbers to overpower the bad. One person by themselves cannot change the world. One person can make a world of difference to another. One person can lead others to support change in the world, or lead others to maintain the status quo of the world. One person can join others to become dozens, then hundreds, then thousands, then millions. If those people didn't stand up, didn't act then changes wouldn't be made. A great example of this is a dripping water leak. Each drop by itself is insignificant, but when they join together they can flood a house or fill a pool.

It is easy to succum to the darkness. I am still at the edge and my weaknesses often match or overpower my strengths. Which is why I must keep trying and moving forward and seeking help and guidance to continue on the path I choose to take. Without constant effort and struggle I would simply sink into the darkness and let it engulf me. Once the darkness fills my vision I loose sight of the path and wander aimlessly. It is a much easier life, but also much less meaningful and one that my heart will not accept.

AAC and all the folks here are beacons of light that are there to illuminate the path, even when my own light is fading. Many here have very bright lights that empower others to gain new perspectives on our past experiences, present choices and future possibilities. Even those whose only contribution is seeking support and sharing their stories offer valuable perspectives that enlighten our understanding of the World.

September 11, 2009
8:43 pm
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MsGuided
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(((Chelonia!)))

I was hoping you would come around to this kind of thinking

The posts from Sept 9th.: Inspiring and the Truth!

Keep up the good fight and stay brave!

September 13, 2009
5:18 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Thanks MsG. I really appreciate your consistant support and guidance.

I'm still hanging in there and right now the darkness has been at bay for a few days... still having nightmares, but I stayed with a friend last night and had a really good nights sleep.

I've also made progress on cleaning my house. I have to finish up today and get packed for a backpacking trip into the forest to lead a research team for another researcher who's come down with malaria. I'm really looking forward to the trip. His team is great and I love the area that we will be surveying.

September 14, 2009
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Hi Chelonia,

Oftentimes, I read a post and have to process it for awhile. Yours gave me a lot to think about.

All of us sink into darkness (unfortunately, my life and my genetics help to push me in this direction). What is good is that often when I'm down at the bottom, there's something that makes me come back to the light. The other day, it was the delight a child took in petting my dog.

I watched a movie yesterday about the Lost Boys from Sudan. They have been working against the loss of family, country, culture, etc. It makes me feel like I need to work a little harder and find my way through the nightmares.

You are a survivor and although some days look very dark, your light shines through and inspires others.

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