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Is it every ok to say enogh is enough and surrender?
November 21, 2006
11:39 pm
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1lost1
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My world is crashing down around me and I can't seem to stop it. My kids are all I focus on. I have let them down in so many ways that I may never get them completely back.

I cry all the time. Gets embarrassing at times. The loneliness is sucking me in. I needed to be held and had no one to do it. I am running out of options.

I am at a point where I don't want to fight this disease anymore.I want to spend my time that I have with my kids and enjoy them.

My youngest would take it the hardest. She is stuck between loyalty for me and loyalty for her father. The g/f makes it worse. I feel I am causing all her pain. If she didn't have to decide she would be better off.

Let me say, I am not suicidal, I just have lost the will to fight. I hurt so many people by just being.

My heart is broken and I can't heal that, how can I heal the rest of me?

I see all the brave people here an dI commend those that have made it. It proves you are invinceable! Those are the survivors that this world needs.

My tears won't stop...1L1

November 21, 2006
11:40 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((1l1)))

November 21, 2006
11:48 pm
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1lost1
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Thanks Scared

November 21, 2006
11:50 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am not much for support tonight but know that I care, and I am keeping you close...I hear your pain, and feel it too. I am sorry.

November 22, 2006
6:36 am
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sleepless in uk
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Lost Lost Lost....

Honey I am so sorry for the way you are feeling..truly I am.

But you cant stop fighting, you cant let this illness get the better of you, there is so much left waiting for you.

All the new experiences you may have when you are better, the pride you will continue taking in your kids and later your grandkids; who knows maybe a new relationship or 2....

You know the kids will be ok without you but is ok enough?

I know you get lonely but it wont always be this way, not if you stick around awhile

I hope you can feel the positive vibes and warm wishes that I and everyone else are sending to you

Please at least reconsider the radiation....

You can look this in the eye and fight it...I know you can

take good good care

November 22, 2006
6:57 am
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1lost1
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Thank you sleepless. The fear and the loneliness are winning this battle.

What if it was just meant to be? What if this is my penance for all the screw ups I made in my life?

Right now, I feel as if I should just let go and except this fate. Like it was meant to be.

1L1

November 22, 2006
7:12 am
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sleepless in uk
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Of course you are scared. It is right to be scared, this is a serious illness and would scare anyone.

But as for your penance for all the screw ups...Oh love it doesnt work that way. It really doesnt. You dont get punished in this way for making mistakes....if that was the case the whole damn world would have cancer.

Lost, you might be right that it is meant to be. I cant promise you that you are wrong because nobody can. And having the serenity to gracefully face and accept whatever comes is important.

But that doesnt mean that you dont take some control over what is happening. That doesnt mean you dont give it your best shot. That just means that sometimes our best shots dont achieve the outcome we desire.THAT is the time to accept gracefully...that is the time to 'Let Go and Let God'.....not now.

Take some of the power back, make your decisions about what is best for you. Dont let this malignancy call all the shots.

I hope you will consider treatment because I have faith in it and I want you to be around these boards a while yet. But whatever your choice, it is just that...YOUR choice.

And I respect it; and you very much

take care love sleepless

November 22, 2006
9:27 am
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lovetocrochet
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In my book the only time it's okay to surrender to anything is when it's a better alternative... and giving up is not.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain in so many ways. Despair is just a horrible place to be, I know it too well.

I don't think God uses cancer or anything else as a punishment for our sins either. I forget which gospel it's in (was it John?) but if you have a Bible handy (or Google) look up the story of Jesus and the blind man. The disciples asked if the man was blind because of the sins of his parents, and Jesus said no, he's blind so that God may use the man to show His own glory through him.

So sometimes God uses our weaknesses and afflictions to perform His greatest miracles... the catch is that it's not always what we have in mind. Also remember that Paul states it is in our weaknesses that we are made strong, and God said to him, "My grace is sufficient for thee."

Sorry if I went the wrong way there, I'm not sure what your spiritual persuasions are and I hope I didn't offend. Just know that whatever higher power you believe in... it also believes in you, and loves you unconditionally. That is a universal truth no matter what.

I hope that you will find it in you, even a tiny bit, to fight. Cancer is a hard battle but not impossible.

November 22, 2006
9:52 am
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mamacinnamon
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Lost:

I printed the story of the blind man in libs that lovetocrochet speaks about.

I know things seem so dark and hopeless, but you can persevere. The strength is in you. Reach down and find it.

The loneliness will pass in time. Find something to occupy your time.

(((((lost))))

November 22, 2006
4:42 pm
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2alone
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I am sorry.
Just know someone else cares and wishes she could help you in some way.
2alone

November 22, 2006
7:40 pm
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Zinnie
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Lost,

I have been traveling a lot and have not been keeping up with threads, with the exception of one or two

But... it sounds as if I have missed something - are you ill? What is it you have?

I believe you know my story - so if I can be of any kind of support to you - please just let me know.

Much love,

Zinnie

November 22, 2006
7:44 pm
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naenae77
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Fight fight fight and remember all of us here are your cheerleaders!

November 22, 2006
10:28 pm
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1lost1
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Thank you for the thoughts and kindness.

Zinnie, I have cancer, lymphoma. Stage B 2. Kinda sucks lots!

Going to these things (test, and appointments) alone is taking its toll.

1L1

November 22, 2006
10:36 pm
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Zinnie
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Lost,

You CAN do it... whup it's ass...

I should have been dead seven years ago - instead? I'm eight years in survival.

You need to talk... anytime - might take me a while to reply - but, say my name and here I will be.

You can do it... I was at Stage III at diagnosis - and I'm still kickin' butt and takin' names!

Z.

November 23, 2006
12:44 pm
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Zinnie
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Another thing Lost, please don't ever think that I did not feel like you are right now.

I have. I would think "it would be so easy to finally just let go - take a little more morphine than I'm supposed to and just get to sleep" - then... that Catholic upbringing would creep in "suicide is a sin" - and I would then feel even sorrier for myself.

I took a job two years ago that many people said "oh, don't do that... it will kill you for sure with all that traveling" - guess what? I now feel better than I had in a long time. I still have days where I am tired, or times when out of now where I have to run and throw up - my work partners are always impressed with how fast I can run out of the way - at top speed from a sitting position!

I'm telling you all of this in the hopes tht you will understand - that you CAN do it. It is tough I know, but personally? I like proving the Dr.'s wrong - makes me feel smarter than them!

Z.

November 23, 2006
12:49 pm
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cyndra820
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(((Lost))) I don't have anything to add.

November 23, 2006
1:08 pm
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StronginHim77
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1Lost1 -

I am part of a Christian Cancer Support group in Southeast Florida. We listen, encourage and pray for any cancer patient (or loved one of a patient) who comes in our doors.

If you live in the United States, use your search engine to look up The Healing Rooms Ministries. They are based (headquartered) in Seattle, I think, but have over 350 Healing Rooms around the country...in every State. If you can locate one near you, go to them. They will listen to you, comfort you and pray for you. When your own faith is exhausted, it helps so much to lean on the faith of others who care.

I will be praying for you, too.

- Ma Strong

November 23, 2006
10:20 pm
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1lost1
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Thank you. I am just tired of wearing on myself and others. My faith is wavering now.

It is just the holidays, loneliness and lack of physical strength. I even miss the ex. Today was our anniversary. Lots of grief all at once.

This feel sorry for myself mood is awful.

I appreciate all your support..Thanks..1L1

November 23, 2006
11:30 pm
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Zinnie
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(((((((((LOST)))))))))

I know how you feel, and you know what? That's O.K.

Sending you good thoughts and wishing for you many pain free moments.

Love,

Z.

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