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Is it a game?
March 28, 2005
10:22 am
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Anonymous
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Okay so this new guy I have been dating (well kinda), is really great. We had dinner and watched a movie sat night, and cuddled messed around and NO Sex. We get along so well, the attraction is there, the chemistry, same likes dislikes, just totally there.

But I've noticed, even from the beginning, he has wanted ME to call him more often, or he will say things like call me when you get home from work, or email me tomorrow, or call me if you want to later. I mean he has called me, and he will normally ask me if it is okay for him to call me.

Is this some passive-aggressive game, or am I just over reacting? I really do think he likes me, he tells me so all the time, and he always answers when I do call, and he does call me, it just seems I call him more and it is normally when he says hey call me when you get home from work or something.

What do you think?

March 28, 2005
10:29 am
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Big heart
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If he tells you to call him, then call him. I mean its all kind of gamie in the begining. If I were you I would turn it around on him. Next time tell him to call you. Or if he says call me then you should say, no you call me. Then see how he handles that. Guys put it on really thick until they get what they want so just take it slow and his true intentions will reveal themselves. Good luck!

March 28, 2005
10:50 am
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CAMER
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sounds like he likes you and just wants you to call him....and by doing that, it shows how much you like him....hope that made sense!

March 28, 2005
10:58 am
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suckernomore
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From Codependent guy over here, i would use the same tricks as him to control the situation. Instead of waiting for the girl to call me, i would plant a "needy" seed and say, call me when you get a chance.

What i was really saying is "i want you to build my self-confidence and you calling me does that" I also found that it gave me a certain amount of control over the situation. Than...if she wouldn't call when i wanted her to, or didn't pick up on my signals, i would resent her for doing so and wonder if she really liked me. Than it would start feeding on itself and get "weird".

So, don't give into his attempts here, Aces, and see how he reacts if you DON'T call him or e-mail him when HE wants you to, but when YOU want to. If he's cool with that, than he's ok, if not, than you've found yourself another codependent. Ultimately, if a guy truly likes you and has confidence in himself, your calling him, or not calling him won't affect him either way. He would be healthy enough to know that if you are interested in him, you will call him, he shouldn't have to force or control the situation.

Peace Out,

SNM

March 28, 2005
10:59 am
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Anonymous
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yeah it does help, I just wanted to get more opinions because I had a couple friends think it was passive aggressive and showing he didn't really like me because he wasn't the one calling me. I hate the beginning of the relationships.

Im also afraid if he is just after sex, I mean I don't think he is but I hate that chance.

March 28, 2005
11:02 am
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Anonymous
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I am going to not call him when he wants or even try the next time say to him call me when you get chance instead of him saying it first, that way I can see how he reacts.

Do you think I should say anything to him about it or just wait?

March 28, 2005
11:03 am
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Anonymous
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I also do not think he is co-dependent.

March 28, 2005
11:09 am
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peacesoul
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Aces...I think you probably have had so many people play games with you, you think everyone will.
It doesn't sound like he is playing any games. Don't over analyze and just try to have fun with this.
Maybe he just truly just does not want to be in "your face"
My ex did all the calling and emailing etc....it was kind of like stalking and it turned me off.

Good luck

March 28, 2005
11:10 am
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suckernomore
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Ok, so he may or may not fit the label, but it's still a sign of insecurity. And he is using it to gauge you. If he is playing a game and is trying to figure out what he's dealing with in you, than i give him credit. He may be trying to see how strong YOU are and if you'll give into his requests. But i kinda doubt it.

So, i wouldn't say anything to him about it, sit back and observe his reaction when you tell him you will call him when you want and if your interested, it won't be long. If he is offended, than he is the former, insecure and using controlling ways to get your attention. If he is not offended and actually feels relieved, than he is the latter and is healthy, self-confident and was trying to gauge you.

Just my .02

March 28, 2005
11:13 am
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Anonymous
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Thanks, I will try that. I think jumping to any conclusions would be bad right now.

Sometimes I think I am so use to everyone playing games, or know of a lot of people that do, so I start thinking everyone is like that.

I am also a firm believer that if someone is interested they will call on their own. Not need you to call them. But I do think he is insecure, I think that he might do that so that he doesn't have to worry about calling me and me getting annoyed with him.

But for now I am going to sit back and wait.

I am suppose to email him this morning I haven't yet, I am unsure if I should now.

March 28, 2005
11:21 am
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suckernomore
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Sounds so weird giving advice on how to deal with myself or my former self before starting recovery.

I know that if i asked you to e-mail me in the past and you didn't, i would e-mail you or contact you after a few hours and ask if i did something wrong i.e. think that you didn't like me, or something of that sort.

I wouldn't wish my old self on any woman, so i think that's why i'm finding this thread so intriguing.

Don't e-mail him, your not obligated to do so, you just met him. It's your right to see if there are red flags and see if this is something you want to get involved in. Being with an insecure person is a real drag, i can tell yah that from being on both sides of the fence.

Take care,

SNM

March 28, 2005
11:46 am
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Anonymous
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Yeah I suppose, I just think that not everyone is like US, or not everyone is like someone we know. I don't know, I don't want to jump to conclusions, so like I said Im going to wait and see how it goes.

Im sure that time will tell and besides, I am not attached or anything to the guy so it isn't like I will have some major heart break here.

I am just glad I have not slept with him yet.

March 28, 2005
11:52 am
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peacesoul
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suckernomore.....your "former self?"
Do tell !!!

Aces, yeah relax and have fun with it. You will know when he is playing games and when he does, walk away or confront him and read him the riot act.

March 28, 2005
1:32 pm
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woundedspirit
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I agree with Peace actually. Im no expert but I dont think it sounds like he is playing games. He does call you. I think he very likely could just be being respectful and giving you your space. NOt wanting to make you feel rushed or pressured. games became norm with Mr. (GAY) Jack that I think it will take a long time not to be watching for them. And watching is good...as long as you can realize not all guys will be playing them and see them where they arent. My ex husband (not bf who I have issues with) is a great, honest, decent guy. And he would have the woman call like your new bf just out of respect to put control in her hands as to how fast she wants the relationship to move. He is a christian good boy so they tend to think different. Its easy to sabotage a good thing when your used to the worse and your gaurd is up. But hey! Congrats on finding a good guy!!

March 28, 2005
1:59 pm
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suckernomore
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Peace: yah, former self. Old Self. That which i'm trying to not be like anymore. I'm still the same person, but working on changing those things that are self-destructive. Thus, the "former" or "old" patterns that i have sworn off or am working on swearing off.

Aces: your right, as are the rest, have fun with it, just was going through a blue time, dealing with my best friend since Thursday and looking at the actions of his wife while he was overseas has soured my outlook on people right now. She cheated on him and admitted to sleeping with "3 or 4" guys while he was gone. So for that, i do apologize:)

Just had lunch with him and he's finally letting go and beginning to laugh and smile again. He's realized for himself how badly he didn't deserve this treatment and is not responsible for how she acted....it's good to see my friend smile again:) 🙂 🙂

March 28, 2005
2:03 pm
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Yes it is hard to watch your friends go through pain. I am still weary of the guy and therefore I think if he wants to talk to me he can make an effort as well.

I am not big on the games and I am weary of people playing them.

Besides that, I am already pulling away I think because in essence I don't want a serious relationship right now, I just want to go out and have fun. I am torn.

But we will see.

I know that the intense attraction that is there makes it hard, and it is hard to know if the guy is just in it for sex or not. DATING is hard.

I am glad your friend smiled again.

March 28, 2005
2:23 pm
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suckernomore
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Aces: Thanks! 🙂

March 28, 2005
2:49 pm
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kathygy
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I don't like it when a man keeps asking me to call him or email him. It feels like pressure to me. If he wants contact let him call me. I may not want to call him as much as he asks me to. How does it make you feel? That will give you a good indicator as what to do.

March 28, 2005
2:51 pm
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Anonymous
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I don't know I have a odd feeling sometimes about it, like it could be a control thing. But then again I think he might be doing it and doesn't realize it. He tells me he likes me and so forth, and he seems sincere, but I am also not very good judge of character right now. I am still healing from Mr. Jack, so I am just going to watch and see. If it continues I will probably say something, but I don't foresee this getting serious since I am anti serious right now.

I don't really like it, I kinda feel like he needs to be taking initiative.

He did tell me he likes it when women are aggressive.

March 29, 2005
1:47 am
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angel4U
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haven't gotten through all of this and really need to get some zzz's, so will read more later. But this from suckernomore really hit a nerve for me and I so much appreciate you writing this and spilling the beans:

... What i was really saying is "i want you to build my self-confidence and you calling me does that" I also found that it gave me a certain amount of control over the situation. Than...if she wouldn't call when i wanted her to, or didn't pick up on my signals, i would resent her for doing so and wonder if she really liked me. Than it would start feeding on itself and get "weird". ...

This happened with the last guy (an alcoholic) I dated. I could actually hear the anger/disappointment in his voice many times but he'd shrug it off to having to do something with work. Same thing would happen if I was out with a friend and called him. he wouldn;t directly get controlling, just use suttle ("oh, and who's with you?") I sensed it was insecurity, but he would never admit it, and because he did things so suttley, it was hard to call him on it.

Over time though it got worse ... he would actually ask me to call him at a certain time, then not answer. Or agree to come over at a certain time, and then not show up. I started feeling like he was trying to make me prove I would chase after him (UGH!!!) At first I tried to talk about it "assertively" to him to let him know that I felt it was disrespectful to me. But I found that the only times I would get a reaction from him was when I would get stern and angry about it. I view this as alot of overhead to take in a relationship!!!

Again suckernomore, thanks for helping me feel at ease that it was him, not me!

March 30, 2005
12:09 pm
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dmurphy
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Aces & Spades

Is it possible that he is asking you to call so he does not appear to be pushy? He may also not want you to feel like he is checking up on you by calling.

March 30, 2005
12:10 pm
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I actually think that is it, I have spoken with him on it, and he really does not seem to be a player type of guy, or a controlling mind playing guy. I think he just wanted to not be pushy and so forth, and he really does like it when the woman is more aggressive.

He seems to be pretty normal.

March 30, 2005
12:31 pm
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dmurphy
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I used to prefer to have thm call me because it just seemed and every time I was the one to call I got accused of not trusting them or checking up on them so I made it a point of letting them call me. Of course then if I wasn't there to answer the phone I got accused of cheating or doing improper things. Some times you really can't win either way I guess!

March 30, 2005
12:40 pm
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Anonymous
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Yeah tell me about it. Well we will see how it goes, he is pretty honest and straight forward with me. Down to earth, pretty real, kinda a weird change from Mr. Jack (whom has been calling alittle more than usual)

March 30, 2005
12:45 pm
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dmurphy
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Jack has figured out that you no longer care about him and taht is killing him. Men figure out when we have gone too far and can't take it back and that hurts when it happens.

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