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Is he scared, needs space or wants out again???
August 24, 2006
1:59 pm
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feelingfree
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South, EG,

South- excellent advice.. I was going to mention the NC thread myself (and South I've been following your postings). Everyone is successful with NC in their own time.. don't worry about not being ready yet.
Took me 3 years to finally say enough to my ex-N.. and I am at 5 months NC and finally to the point where I don't miss him at all!

August 24, 2006
2:11 pm
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Anonymous
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((EG)) I agree with the gals above. As much as youre tempted to be sucked into his crazyness and be his friend, you outta be your friend first! He knew about the emails and gave you his password. He wanted you to find out, no question about it. Maybe in his mind being with his wife and keeping a conventional situation doesnt affect having a relatioship with you, too. But you obviously are in shock, devastated and expecting more for yourself! And he isnt the guy that is gonna give it to you. As I said before, he wants to keep his cake and eat it, too. Sometimes guys think like this bc there are women willing to go along with that, being the second in the relationship. It hapens a lot around where I am. Some women say "being the other one gets me parfum while the wife gets cologne." Im not sure about what these womens priorities are. But youre looking for love, honest love, full time love, right? Dont let this guy sisdetrack you to lesser goals! Keep focusing on your work for distraction and bread winning matters and on your true friends for support! Sending you good vibs!

August 24, 2006
5:52 pm
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expressgirl
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God today is rough. I keep praying for the day to be over. More and more I feel like I was Plan "B". That he has wanted her back all along and only been with me since he was lonely and waiting for her to take him back. I feel so bad for falling for it.I wanted so deperately for him to love me as I did him. all day today I have been hoping and praying that I get a phone call or an email expressing some remorse or an apology, but I received nothing. What a fool I have been. Even this morning he couldnt break up with me, he said it was up to me. That he loved me. How can he still say all of that to me???

August 24, 2006
7:11 pm
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expressgirl
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So he just emailed me because apparently when I logged on as him on my computer to check his email it sent him a welcome email. I only logged on again this afternoon to see if he had changed his password and if he had that meant to me that we would have gone back and read what I would have read and that way he would know all of the hurtful things I would have read. but I never did check his email again. In his email to me this afternoon he was short and rude. So I called him and explained what I had done and why. He said he was "filled with rage" towards me and only out of compassion for my hurt was he not expressing that anger at me. What the hell???!!! I know what I did was an invasion of privacy, but how can he be SO angry at me. I should be the one so pissed at him!

August 24, 2006
7:36 pm
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feelingfree
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(((expressgirl))),

He is playing what I like to call "the switch" game. Switches it around.. turns it back on YOU. YOU absolutely positively have the right to be angry with HIM. He lied. He betrayed. OK- you read the e's- big deal. You were following your gut. Kind of like if I went thru my ex-H's pockets and found drugs. Would he say "you're right- I shouldn't have drugs on me, I'm sorry". No.. he would be ANGRY that I found them.. so he would "switch" it around to ME being the source of the problem.
It's pure manipulation and its a game. They do not like confrontation most especially when they are caught in a lie. If this man cannot even give you the courtesy of an apology for his actions- you have lost NOTHING. I know you love him and care for him and feel like a fool. You are not a fool. He is a fool.
He is losing an intelligent, good woman who cared about him.
You are losing a man who lied to you and someone who you will now NEVER be able to fully trust again.
Do you want that back? No. Do you want what you thought it COULD be back? Yes. But the reality is, it can't be what it never really was to begin with.

Give this man "crickets". (get it? all he hears is crickets chirping from you.. lol)
Initiate no contact as soon as possible. Cry, scream, call your friends, your family, get a support system around you because you will need it. Post here.. it helps so much. And most of all, be good to yourself. Don't let him try and switch this on you!

August 24, 2006
11:25 pm
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expressgirl
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He called me this afternoon after his counseling appt. He said he was sorry that I had read what he did. He then tried to deny it all saying he was ok to do it, because during the 2 weeks he wrote most of the emails we were broken up. WRONG!!! I then proceeded to tell him verbatim what he wrote and when and what he had been telling me at the time. He didnt believe me and then FINALLY admitted I was right and that he could say nothing. I told him to go home and read and re-read all the emails and to put himself in my shoes imagining what I felt as I read his words to her. He said again that he didnt love her and that he had tried to love me as much as was possible. What a crock! I cried and said if that were true, you would be fighting for me right now and telling me how sorry you were and that you love me, yet instead you sit there silent on the phone saying nothing.

I feel like an idiot for being so naive and falling for it all this whole time.

I will be scarred for a long time over this relationship and its lies and betrayal.

EG

August 25, 2006
8:35 am
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Jenni
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(((EG))) I hope this is your moment of revelation. I hate to think of what could be next. This will only get worse if it continues.

My thoughts are with you, today...

Jen

August 25, 2006
10:27 am
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StronginHim77
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expressgirl -

Betrayal hurts so much. And you have been betrayed. This man is trying to keep TWO women on the string at the same time. When confronted with his dishonesty and betrayal, (as well as the anguish this has caused you), his response becomes accusatory. He tries turning the tables, making YOU feel guilty for discovering his betrayal. It is my hope that you will walk away from this Monster. If he betrayed you once, he will betray you again. You have gotten a painful -- but necessary -- insight into his character. Not a pretty sight, is it? He lacks integrity and has no respect for women. He is a USER.

"No Contact" is the only way you can remove yourself from his tentacles and salvage your dignity, your self-respect and your self-worth. No calls. No emails. No text messages. No nothing. Arrange to have a neutral, secondary party pick up whatever belongings of yours he might have. Never see him again. Never speak to him again. Block him on your phone and email address. Deliver a firm message...that you will NOT accept such hideous, degrading and dishonest treatment from him...or any other man.

Lean on your loved ones, your close friends and this website for the support you deserve (and will NEED) in the coming days and weeks. Be assured that he will try to contact you. He is going to try to manipulate you back under his control, so that he can continue to use you. Now that you know what he is made of, the decision is yours. Choose YOU over him. This is about YOU...not him. Fight for yourself.

Right now, you are deeply wounded and hurting terribly. I feel so bad, knowing that you are out there somewhere, facing the agony of his dirty betrayal. You have probably been given a life-saving glimpse into why his "ex" wife is his EX WIFE. Once a cheater, always a cheater. This guy has major issues and will destroy any woman he can suck into his web.

Save yourself. Step back, initiate "No Contact" and begin your recovery. We will all be here for you.

- Strong

August 25, 2006
6:30 pm
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expressgirl
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Why is it that I felt an insatiable need and desire to talk to him, to tell him over and over again how badly he has hurt me, and demand answers/explanations as to why?????
I feel consumed and out of control. I dont know what to do with all of my hurt, anger and feelings of betrayal. I dont know what to believe was real. Will this get better? Will the hurt and pain subside?

I love him and hate him at the same time.

August 25, 2006
7:12 pm
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StronginHim77
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You love the "illusion" of who he projected himself to be. You love the "false hope" he gave you...of being loved by a good and trustworthy man. You are grieving the loss of what "might have been."

You know what is real. Believe what you have seen with your own eyes and heard with your own ears. This is hard for us. We want to sugar-coat it and find some way to resurrect the dead dream...the lost hope...and "fix" it somehow.

But it can't be fixed. We cannot fix another human being. And he is a VERY damaged man. Nothing can be done to repair his character and give him the respect and integrity he needs for his relationships with women.

The hurt and pain WILL subside. It takes time. The early days are HELL. You are grieving. You need to cry. Weep. Scream. Cry some more. Throw things. And read as much as you can about codependency and toxic relationships. There are excellent books out there. Get some and begin your path to understanding how this happened to you.

The hurt and pain will heal, but only through "No Contact." Each time you speak with him, see him or have ANY contact with him, whatsoever, the pain will rush back in. Kind of like knocking the scab off an open wound. Let the wound close.

Start journaling, while your memory is fresh. Write down all the terrible things he did...every lie, every hurtful deception...every act of betrayal. Write it all down, so that you can remain strong when the grieving hits you. It oomes in waves and the pain shrieks at us to call them, contact them, confront them...find some sort of CLOSURE. But the only true closure you will ever know is No Contact. That is having the final word. That is protecting yourself from a toxic relationship. He does not love; he USES.

Keep posting. I will check back later, to see how you are doing.

- Strong

August 25, 2006
11:30 pm
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expressgirl
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I am so afraid of letting go and saying goodbye to him forever. I know it is what I have to do. How do you do that and not have answers to any of your questions like, how could you do this, what was real, whom do you REALLY love, why do this to someone who loves you, etc...

I feel like I need the truth and answers to set me free and allow me to let go. I am not sure I will have the stregnth to see him and exchange our things anytime soon. But, I know the sooner that happens the better and the sooner I will be able to begin moving on and healing.

I hurt so bad right now.

and FYI - he called me 6 times last night and I was weak and called him back finally this morning. why cant I maintain no contact?

August 26, 2006
5:41 pm
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expressgirl
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God, I feel like I hate him right now. Last night on the phone I told him that he cheated on me.

He still says that he loves me and told me goodnight, I love you, hugs and kisses. YUCK!

He is seriously messed up in the head.

Do you think he even loves me or that he loves her. Does he even know what or who he wants????

August 26, 2006
11:33 pm
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Jenni
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(((EG)))

August 27, 2006
12:14 am
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pcbutterfly2200
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FORGET YOU EVER MET THIS GUY AS HARD AS IT MAY BE.BUT WHOEVER SAID HE IS GETTING THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS IS RIGHT!!!!!YOU NEED TO TELL THE WIFE FIRST AND THAT SHOULD KEEP HIM TOO OCCUPIED TO CALL YOU FOR A WHILE.EVEN IF IT HURTS TO CALL HER I WOULD.LOOK AT IT THIS WAY,IF HE DOES IT WITH YOU HE WILL DO IT TO YOU.SO DONT THINK EVEN IF YOU DO WIN HIM OVER THAT HE WONT CHEAT ON YOU TOO.BESIDES I KNOW THAT HE HAS TOLD YOU THAT HE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU AND NOT HER.BUT YOU SEEN OTHERWISE ON HIS E-MAIL.IS THE WORLDS DUMBEST CHEATER OR WHAT.ALL THAT ASIDE.THINK OF HIS CHILD AND WHAT ALL THIS IS GOING TO DO TO HIM.THE KIDS ALWAYS END UP GETTING HURT THE WORSE IN THESE SITUATIONS.I KNOW THAT YOUR INTENTIONS ARE GOOD BUT WITHOUT REALIZING IT,YOU ARE HELPING HIM WRECK HIS OWN HOME.I WOULD DROP HIM LIKE A BAD HABIT BECAUSE EVEN IF YOU DONT HELP HIM CHEAT ON WIFE HE WILL FIND SOMEONE THAT WILL.HE WONT LEAVE HER BECAUSE OF THAT THING CALLED CHILD SUPPORT.

August 29, 2006
12:24 am
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doubleloss
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EG. I wouldn't phone his wife, what is the point of punishing HER for HIS cheating?

I think us women should be kinder to each other, he is married, he is cheating and lying to his wife, he is cheating and lying and using you, run, run, run. He's not goignt to leave her, and even if he does and goes with you it won't work, it rarely does under the circumstances. It's like the saying: "whatever starts WRONG, ends WRONG".

Take care of yourself.

August 29, 2006
12:27 am
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expressgirl
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Thanks Doubleloss,
But to clarify, neither or us were cheating on our spouses. We both had seperated from our spouses before we began to date. One we were dating for about a month, both my ex-bf and I filed for divorces from our spouses. Both divorces are scheduled to be final beginning of this October. That is IF he files for final judgement.

EG

August 29, 2006
1:30 am
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doubleloss
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EG, sorry for the assumption. I hope you are better. dL

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