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Is he scared, needs space or wants out again???
July 18, 2006
12:56 am
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Jenni
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Then why don't you simply ask him for a "rein-check". (sp?) Just tell him as nice as it sounds, you need some time to yourself, (space), perhaps to "find" yourself. (He should understand this, as he's been going thru it, himself.) So how could he blame you? And, this might just be what you need and the time for you to try this.

Just a thought. If this is something you feel in your gut, that you'll regret later, I'd say to find a way out of it.

(((EG)))

Hope you have a restful night! Love to you!

Jen

July 18, 2006
9:28 am
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StronginHim77
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I wouldn't do the dinner thing at his place. If he wants to wine & dine you, he should take you out somewhere PUBLIC. You meet him there (drive yourself)...thank him for a lovely time...and drive yourself home.

Going to HIS place is a "bootyn call" set up. This guy is still on the fence. I would keep some distance. See him? Sure. Stepping back is a process. We have all been there. But going to his place or getting into his bed? Absolutely the worst possible thing you could do to compromise that value you are trying to place on yourself.

Love,

Strong

July 18, 2006
5:08 pm
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expressgirl
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He just called and cancelled for tonight. now he is supposed to come over to my place tomorrow night. I am soooo tired of the ups and downs with him, the flakiness, the non-commital stuff.

Arghhhh.......I am so hurt. once again šŸ™

July 18, 2006
8:10 pm
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expressgirl
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It is clear he hurts me over and over again and is not able to give me what I need, so why is it I cant being myself to let him go???

July 18, 2006
9:38 pm
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Jenni
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EG, he's not 'ready' yet, Honey. It's best if he finishes one thing before starting another. He can't committ yet, because he still has to finish wrapping up the last committment. He's not in a position to offer anything to you, while he still has unfinished buisness to take care of.

I'm sorry if that sounds mean, but EG, I'm afraid that this is a deadend, Honey. He's not in the right place or frame of mind to be in a serious or committed relationship, right now, while he's still legally tied to his previous relationship. And frankly, I would hope that you wouldn't want him, in this current predicament. (sp?) You and he truly need some space, so things can level out.

Hang in there, Sweetie, and DON'T do anything that you KNOW you will regret tomorrow or sooner. (((EG)))

Jen

July 18, 2006
10:41 pm
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Anonymous
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EG, I got to read this thread from your other one. Im so glad I did. You have a very clear situation needing closure, a great mind to do it (and I mean values included) and great advice!! I wish you all the luck and continued support from Jenni, Strong and P&L (I liked so much what she said). It all rings a bell in my post divorce even though lonely life. I know that when I find someone I will want to have the courage to do the screening and if need be the ruling out of a man for the honorable place we have saved for them. They ought to deserve it. (((EG)))

July 18, 2006
11:38 pm
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expressgirl
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Thanks Sininho for taking the time to read the whole thread.

*hugs*

July 18, 2006
11:41 pm
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expressgirl
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Jenni,
((((Jen)))) you are such a great support! Thanks for everything.

I am sooo confused. To stay or to break it off, oh gosh I dont know. I do love him and I really and honestly believe he loves me too. It seems as though neither of us can let go though.

Any advice???

luv.
EG

July 19, 2006
12:04 am
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Jenni
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EG, Sometimes to love, is to let go...

That's a hard one to swallow, I know. But there is some truth in that.

I forgot how that saying goes, about "if you love something, set it free. If it was meant to be, it will come back. But if it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with."

I know those weren't the exact words, but it's close and oh so true! (If anyone remembers that saying, please post it!) That one hits home for me.

I think you know what you need to do, EG. It's just a matter of acting on it. THAT'S the hard part, and I wish nothing but strength and courage for you, to take those steps!

(((EG))) Have a wonderful night, Sweetie!

Jen

July 19, 2006
12:17 am
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expressgirl
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Jenni
You're right. I like to think of what I need to do as "letting myselg go" from the relationship. I think that is what I will tell him. He just cant give anything to me right now. He gives words, but no actions.

Maybe, with time and space to heal and close old doors, we might have a chance in the future. Right now, however, the timing is not right.

Man, not to sound dramatic, but my heart hurts. Seeing myself type these words really drove the point and feeling home.

Thanks for being a good friend.

(((Jen)))

July 19, 2006
12:26 am
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Jenni
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Thank you, EG, for being my friend, too! It hurts, but nothing worthwhile comes easy. You can do this, AND feel better about yourself, for doing so.

(((((((((EG))))))))))

July 19, 2006
12:48 am
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expressgirl
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A friend once told me...

"we can choose to be bitter, or we can choose to be better"

I love that sentiment.

July 19, 2006
11:31 am
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expressgirl
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Ok so I need to vent.......

He is supposed to come over tonight, and in my heart I know what I need to do, but right now I am scared I won't have the stregth to do it.

He has broken up with me before during the last time he was going through all of this, because he said " he didn't want to hurt me or put me in the middle of his divorce." Yet, this time he is just as confused and deep in the issues with her (anger, hurt, resentment, rejection) and he has kept me as a GF. It has been 2 weeks and although we are BF & GF, we see eachother once a week and talk only every couple days. He has been so distant and unable to commit to plans, and unable to express affection for me (but still says I love you and I miss you when we do talk). It is soooo very clear he cannot handle and is not ready for a relationship with me, so why can't he let me go? He did it before!

So, I ask myself why cant I let myself go from this pain and hurtful relationship. One where I am constantly let down. If I am truly his friend, shouldn't I be the stronger person and set him free to deal with his divorce without the complications of our relationship pressuring him? After 7 onths of dating seriously and exclusively, why can I not stand up for myself and acknowledge I deserve more from a relationship? For pete's sake, his ex-wife told him last weekend she wants to go back to counseling!!!!! What the hell. This relationship with him has no current light at the end of the tunnel, but yet I choose to put myself in it.

I pray to God, I find the strength to do what is best for me and my happiness.

July 19, 2006
12:12 pm
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taj64
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I do too, for you. I know these feelings too. i felt the same way. I always felt he cared about me, but towards the end, he became less and less available and it was always about what he was going through. He would always say things like I wish I could help you or I don't know what to say if I had a problem. He used me for emotional support but he didn't have any to give himself. And I constantly was reaching out to him and feel good for a few seconds but it certainly would not take long to feel low again and insecure. I felt anxious, depressed, not eating good, etc. I could not concentrate etc. It was like constant panic mode. I feel for you. I think a lot of this you let go, you know you need to let go but nearly impossible only it is inevitable that it will happen. This guy, he is not over his ex. His ex is not over him. This is not a healthy relationship for you. You need something secure, something you can count on, someone who will like you the way you are, and not have to worry about where you stand with the person. It is not really love going on. It is two people hanging on to something and rather be weaned off than to accept it for what it is really is and that is over. Gosh it hurt like the devil but allowing yourself to quit this person, will actually open up the door for something else and not this misery. Love is good, not miserable. And 7 months is not a very long time so I thing you will get over it very soon if you stop contact with this person and start healing for yourself. The first few weeks are the hardest, and of course you will be vulnerable and ok to get it all out. I just would not have hope on this guy. Saying I love you is one thing, showing it is another. He is not really there for you šŸ™ Please think about yourself and know you will get through it, and be stronger for it.

July 19, 2006
12:15 pm
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Anonymous
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no true-er words were spoken...I agree with everything taj said - and also speak from experience.

July 19, 2006
12:31 pm
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expressgirl
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thank you taj!

I cant believe this is so hard. I wish I could just move on and never have contact. It would be so much easier to get over. but, I work with him šŸ™

I know that every time I see him it will break my heart.

July 19, 2006
1:13 pm
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Anonymous
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perhaps it is time for a job change?

or maybe a shift change at the least?

I couldn't imagine trying to break away from someone I love, and still see him five days a week.

Perhaps you need to figure out how to change that?

remember the serenity prayer -

you can't change him, but you can change YOU and YOUR situation - so perhaps there are better options out there for you.

July 19, 2006
2:20 pm
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expressgirl
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thank you alicat.

I dont think I can bring myself to do it yet. I am just not ready or prepared to face it all.

I feel like I am letting myself down. How to walk away from someone who you love with all of your heart and you know they love you, but the timing is not right and there are too many issues with his ex to let the relationship blossom.

July 19, 2006
2:33 pm
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I can relate...I can.

I won't reiterate my whole story - however, the short version is that my ex was separated from his wife when we met. The INTENT to get divorced was there. And I trusted it would happen. He stayed on friendly terms with her. Two years later - he has STILL not filed for divorce. The roller coaster I rode with him was unbearable at times.

I finally called it quits - there was alot more to the story - but this is the part that applies to your situation.

He is now with ANOTHER girlfriend - and still has not filed for divorce, tho he still INTENDS to. I have not spoken to him in three weeks, so perhaps that has changed, dunno.

Anyway, I invested two years with him - and walking away was HEARTBREAKING - I felt so stupid for going that far with someone who never followed thru on his promises. Add in the heartbreak my daughter suffered. We lived together. We did love eachother. We tried. But it just wasn't meant to be. I am still angry, bitter and resentful - but trying to get past it. I used to think "if he loved me enough, this would happen"...it really wasn't a question of if he loved me, it was a question of his ability to do the right thing for "us"...and he couldn't...in many ways.

I should have followed my gut and NEVER dated him in the first place...and the more time I invested, the more I felt I had to lose.

I understand where you are coming from - but my experience shows that it just doesn't get better. And I have seen enough cases to know that this is pretty typical in most cases.

Until you FORCE yourself to move on - YOU - not him...you will be stuck in this holding pattern - and my god, is it painful.

You deserve someone who can receive the love you have to offer, and give it right back in equal or better doses. It's a hard lesson learned. I won't ever settle again, or ignore my gut feeling.

July 19, 2006
2:59 pm
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expressgirl
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Alicat,

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry you were hurt so bad.

My BF did file for divorce in February.

I know in my heart that I need to move on, but if I do it now I know I will not be strong enough to stick with it. So, then I ask myself will staying make it easier to leave because I know I will get hurt more or do I walk away now knowing I will try to get him back soon because I am not ready to let him go.

šŸ™ Here I am crying again. I feel like I am stuck on a fence and dont know which side to choose.

Nobody says that a decsion HAS to be made TODAY though. For all I know, when he comes over tonight, he could be breaking up with me. In some ways, I wish he would.

EG

July 19, 2006
3:03 pm
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taj64
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So you're not ready to change jobs. That is ok to. You probably would not want to make a major move anyway especialy based on your emotions right now. I guess you could just try to avoid him at work though it would be hard at first. You would eventually get used to it and then become indifferent. I remember having a huge crush on a guy here at my work many years ago. We dated too. I would see him and just melt and then there was a period of time when I was angry with him. But now when I see him, I am indifferent to him and he doesn't make me think twice about how I used to feel about him. I see him totally different. And you will too someday. It takes getting used to, very hard too. All sorrowful times do pass. You will see.

July 19, 2006
3:08 pm
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Anonymous
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Unfortunately, as long as you choose to ride the fence, on the fence you will stay...and he is going to continue to take advantage of that.

The longer you stay, the more you will feel have invested, and will be harder to walk away.

They say that for every year you have invested, it takes 6 months to recover - so the longer you are invested, the longer it will take to recover.

I have ridden the roller coaster - once for three years, once for two.

It is NO FUN - I feel soooooo much better flying solo - tho at first, it was HARD - and took every OUNCE of energy and will to do it. I forced myself to do it - there was no magic pill or formula - I knew the day had come. And I had setbacks, I got sucked back in...but eventually, I said enough is enough and just ended it...and he tried to engage me again and it was hard to resist, but I did, and each time got easier...and as of today, I know I can rest easy about all this.

You are right, you don't have to make a decision today - but don't do anything to make the decision harder.

July 19, 2006
3:28 pm
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expressgirl
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Alicat and Taj,

I really dont want to change my job, I have a great job, with a great future.

I am so stressed out about this, as I am all day everyday, I feel sick to my stomach.

July 19, 2006
3:42 pm
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well, then here is my last bit of advice....

when faced with "what do I do?" - ask yourself "what do I NEED to do for ME?".

Yes, you NEED him to be prince charming - BUT - that's not reality - you can't have it.

So - stop wanting what you can't have - and focus on what you CAN.

and the ONLY thing you can control is YOU.

you can choose to see him for dinner - but then YOU are responsible for the results - meaning you can't come back and say "he did this to me again"...YOU did this to you again.

you can choose to be his friend - but if you do - YOU are responsible for the stress of being his friends and not having more from him.

You are responsible for your stress - not him. You see the reality, you know the reality - if you choose not to ACCEPT the reality - the consequences are yours to face.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh - not trying to be...just trying to illustrate that your future is in YOUR hands - not his - and if you want to continue with this drama, have at it - but don't expect the outcome to be any different than it has been all along.

The definition of insanity is repeating the same actions, hoping for a different reaction/result.

You are responsible for your happiness - you have a good job - great - you like it - great - but if the stress of being around him is making you ill, or making you stressed, or making you unable to do your job the way you should - perhaps that great job isn't so great anymore.

I had trouble giving up "mutual" friends for the same reason - I enjoyed them, they were good people - why should I walk away?????

Cuz, they were tied to him - and it was another link in the chain that bound me to him - to the drama - to the pain.

Only until I walked away did my life get better...sure, I miss my friends, but there are plenty more out there to be found.

Do you want happiness or do you want more pain? what's it worth?

July 22, 2006
7:51 pm
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expressgirl
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so he did it. He broke up with me and we exchanged all of our stuff. I cannot find the words to express my heartache right now.

I hope this gets easier.

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