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Is he scared, needs space or wants out again???
July 15, 2006
12:25 am
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expressgirl
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Jenni, you have been so helpful and thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have found everyone on this site so supportive.

I really have learned so much from him and this relationship. I truly feel that through this whole process I will be better for having gone through this. I have learned that it is ok to ask for help, to realize that I dont have to try and be perfect all of the time, that I have serious codependency issues, that I am too nice and giving, that I am a bit naive, etc...

I am just having a really hard time letting go and facing the pain and failure of the relationship.

Interestingly enough, I havent really spoke to him (really) since Wednesday morning and over these past 3 days I have felt more like myself than I have in 6-8 weeks.

(((((((Jenni)))))

July 15, 2006
12:34 am
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That is AWESOME, EG!! Really! That you have gotten the chance to experience a little relief with no contact! I'm so proud of you!

I just want you to know that this type of feeling increases DAILY! Of course, there will be up's and down's with the emotions. But in the end, we DO become stronger after these types of things! And we have SO much more to offer others, because of it.

So in reality, our former relationships were not "mistakes". They were "learning experiences", for LIFE! Things we can teach our daughters and granddaughters about.

Just LET yourself feel like YOURSELF!! It's really not so bad, huh?

And the NC for 3 days! Is this a record for you? GOOD for you! I PROMISE you, the days get easier as time goes by!

Just allow yourself to mourn and grieve, like you would a death. This is part of the healing process. Once you have gone thru this stage, the rest is downhill!

(((EG)))

Jen

July 15, 2006
12:48 am
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expressgirl
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Have I ever mentioned that we work for the same company??

So, that always complicates things. We dont see each other at work much at all, but there are work emails and the occasional visit.

Dont know how I am gonna cope through that part, when this is all said and done. Yikes.

I am proud of myself for staying strong and not contacting him and not giving in when he did call today. It bothers me that I had to "play" the game though. I am a very "what you see is what you get" type of person.

This will be a test for me to mourn and grieve. In the past when people in my life have actually passed away I havent been able to face the emotions and instead dive deep into work or school or whatever to distract myself. I dont want to do that now. I need to face these feelings and go through the entire process so that I can really put it behind me and move on.

EG

July 15, 2006
1:00 am
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Jenni
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EG, I truly believe you are "getting it", now! You are slowly coming out of the fog, and seeing the light.

We, as humans, HATE pain!! And we'll do anything we can to avoid it. But the real trick is to FACE it, like you said, so we can move PAST it! And that DOES happen, even if we can't foresee that, it DOES happen!

You're on the road, Honey! And the farther you go with this, the more miles you will put behind you! Only stop long enough to fuel up, then keep moving!

This is good!

July 15, 2006
1:20 am
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expressgirl
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Jenni,
I do feel as though I am starting to see the light. I know it will be a process with ebbs and flows, but I will stick down the path towards enlightenment and self discovery.

I am about 3.5 pages into a letter I am writing him. I am not sure if I will actually give it to him or if its purpose is just to help me sort through my emotions. Whichever way, I feel as though it is helping.

I am really nervous about the work thing though...

So I stumbled onto this song that is now currently on repeat on my cd player and I thought I would share it with you. It has really helped me tonight.

Dana Glover - Thinking Over Lyrics

(Verse 1)
I've been searchin for a reason
And I'm runnin out of time
I can feel that it's the seaon
It's time to make up my mind

(Chorus)
And I can't really tell you what I'm going to do
There are so many thoughts in my head
There are two roads to walk down
And one road to choose
So I'm thinking over the things that you've said
I'm thinking over the things
I'm thinking over, thinking over, thinking over the things that you've said
I'm thinking over, thinking over, thinking over the things

(Verse 2)
Am I ready for forever
Oh G-d show me a sign
Cause fi we're to be together
Then it's got to be divine

(Chorus)

(Verse 3)
He wants to marry me, carry me far away
He wants to love me for life
He wants to be w/ me every morning I awake
He wants to hold me through the night

Father which way should I go
I can not really see
Oh I love him so
But only you know if he's the one for me
Yeah, yeah, yeah

July 15, 2006
1:53 am
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Jenni
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That's good, EG! Makes ya' think, huh?

July 15, 2006
11:09 am
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StronginHim77
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Write the letter, but NEVER EVER EVER send it. He is already feeling suffocated. It is highly probable that he regrets bouncing into this relationship with you (it sounds to me like he was doing a rebound number, to help himself deal with his divorce process) and is now healing inside and ready to move on with his life. In short, he doesn't need you anymore. He is recovering from the divorce wounds.

It is time for you to initiate "No Contact." Stop by the No Contact Club thread. There are quite a few of us there. We encourage one another and help one another make sense out of the agonizing situations we have created for ourselves with these men who abandon and abuse us so heartlessly.

My ex-fiance dumped me for NO REASON, with NO EXPLANATION a month ago. Simply sent me an email, demanding that I return his engagement ring, per his instructions to a specific jeweler at a designated place/time. Period. End of 16 month relationship.

It devastated me. (P.S. Found out the laws of my State protect me and that I am allowed to keep the ring. So, I told him "No" on a voice message and that was my last contact with him, 25 days ago.) He has tried to sue me, even called the pastor of my church to get me in trouble. But, I am remaining silent. I will not call him. I will not email him. I will not text-message him. I will not write him.

NOTHING. SILENCE. I will tell you something ironic: when WE step away from THEM and maintain silence (no contact), then they begin standing on their heads to try and find out why? To get us back? Or sometimes, just to see if they CAN? If we can be sucked in, again? But my advice is to step back from this guy. He has demoted you in his heart to "booty calls" at night. That's it. By the way, does he have any drinking/substance abuse issues? Is he drinking when he calls you at night, etc.?? I would also strongly suspect that he has spotted another woman who interests him. They will always begin withdrawing from us, in search of other "prey."

- Strong

July 15, 2006
12:52 pm
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expressgirl
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For the record, no he does not have any alcohol or substance abuse problems. He is actually a very succuessful and "normal" guy.

BTW - he did text me last night to say goodnight and I love you.

I am trying really hard to be strong and not text back or call him.

July 15, 2006
3:28 pm
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StronginHim77
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"Text" messages are for cowards. If he has something to say to you, he should say it, face-to-face.

Keep up the "No Contact." If you truly want him back, want him to see you as "valuable" again, you must step back and become someone he no longer can take for granted. No Contact achieves that.

July 16, 2006
2:08 am
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expressgirl
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Thanks Strong!

It was rough today, but I didn't contact him. Why do I feel like the coward here? I feel that way because I haven't stood up for myself and called him to ask what's going on or to break up with him. I dont want to break up with him, so I have been waiting for him to "man up" and call me to break up with me.

Arghhhh! It's all so complicated.

But, I did go out all day today with friends and had an amazing time. It did help to take my mind off him and to have some fun.

July 16, 2006
11:02 am
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Jenni
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You are standing up for yourself, NOW, by not calling him. Which means you are NOT a coward.

You're doing good, EG! Don't let those moments of weakness break you. Ride it out, and keep doing what you've been doing. I'm glad you had fun with your friends. More of that kind of thing will be what helps you grow independently. And it will become more natural as time goes by!

Keep up the GREAT work! I know it's painful, but just look at that pain and BLAST it out of your way! Be DETERMINED that NOTHING will stop you now, or stand in your way!

(((EG)))

Jen

July 16, 2006
11:10 am
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StronginHim77
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You made it through the night, without responding to that text message? GOOD!! Sounds like he is stringing you along. He needs to get off the fence, one side or the other. Doesn't really matter which side in the long run.

Just keep stepping back. Men value what they have to WORK for...not what falls into their lap. When we place a high price tag on ourselves, suddenly, they want to pay the higher price. when we bargain-basement price ourselves, they dump us. Our choice.

So, think "Nordstroms" and "Neiman Marcus," my friend. You have value. The only way to drive that point home and see if this guy REALLY cares about you is NO CONTACT. Each day is a victory that delivers a CLEAR MESSAGE to him. I am rooting for ya.

Love,

Strong

July 16, 2006
7:46 pm
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expressgirl
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Ok, so I have been having a hard day. He texted me and said he was/has been having a really hard time ands depressed, but misses me and loves me. SO, I called him this morning. I feel good in a sense that I stood up for myself and told him that he cannot put our relationship on pause whenever he feels like it and that a relationship takes work and I am not a toy he can just pull out of the closet when he wants to then put it away and forget when he is done. He apologized and told me he was sorry and that he still wants to be my bf and still loves me. BUT, he could only tentatively make plans to see me on Tuesday night.

I TOLD HIM "when you are ready for me and our relationship and want to see me, you can call me and you know how to find me, but my life is going on and I am not waiting around. I do not need you or this relationship to be happy or feel good. I want you and this relationship and choose it, but will not accept it as it is now."

I am proud of myself, but feel terrified of the consequences of what I said. I have never put my foot down before in this relationship.

PLEASE, someone tell me I did the righ thing. I am scared and feel confused if I did the right thing since he was obviously sad and reaching out to me for love and support.

July 16, 2006
8:30 pm
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StronginHim77
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express....

I hope you can hear the applause. It should be deafening!! I am so proud of you.

The answer is "YES!" You absolutely, positively said and did the right things in that phone conversation with the BF. You drew firm boundaries, told him what you required to feel content and happy in the relationship and placed value on yourself. That was a MAJOR breakthrough for any of us. I am really thrilled for you.

When we draw boundaries, we cannot predict the results. The true "users and abusers" will frequently disappear because they HATE boundaries on the part of their victims. But a man with the right heart will honor those boundaries and rise to meet them.

I am hoping this man turns out to be a good=hearted one for you. If not, better to know now, before you invest anymore of your life in him.

Love,

Strong

July 16, 2006
9:42 pm
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expressgirl
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Thanks Strong. Why, if it was such the right thing to do, do I feel so bad and scared.

I think this situation really highlights my low self-esteem.

Before I called him this morning, I really felt like I was making progress. Now, I feel all of the old fears coming back and the "what if's."

July 16, 2006
10:04 pm
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Jenni
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EG, I think you felt good for saying some things to him that have been on your mind, and the way he appeared to have received it.

I think you might be feeling kind of bad and scared, and thinking of the "what-if's" again, could be because you might be feeling like you took some steps back.

I know that at the moment, he is saying the things you want to hear, but I still think it may too soon for a new relationship, without allowing the emotions of healing from a divorce. He says he's stressed and depressed, mainly stemming from the divorce. Which I take as, he is still in the "raw" phases of the divorce. And even after the divorce, he may even have a NEW set of feelings and emotions to experience.

EG, I ignored the flags with my last relationship, with my X fiance. It was very apparent that he had not allowed himself the time to heal from his divorce before meeting me. And he was in a HUGE rush to get married right away.

Now deep down, I knew what I was seeing, but I blocked it out. Now I wish I had paid more attention to this before I became so attached to him. And I believe he was attached to me, too. But for the wrong reasons. I couldn't settle for that. Even with the love I have for him, and the attachment that became strong, I know that as difficult as it was for me, I had to back away from this. It breaks my heart, but it HAD to be done, or else I would have found myself in a worse state of pain! Especially if I had married him.

So instead, I'll take THIS pain, and count my blessings. Life goes on, but we survive.

Anyway, EG, this is just my take. I don't mean to be a downer, here. I just am concerned for your best interests and your heart.

Take care, Sweetie!

Jen

July 16, 2006
10:18 pm
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expressgirl
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Jen,
Do you think eventually with time, there might be hope for another chance for you and your ex-fiance?

I am such a hopeless romantic. I always hope love conquers all in the end.

Jeez, no wonder I get hurt hunh??

Thanks for the insights, I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is not over his divorce and is not even close to being. He did say somethings I wanted to ear, but there are many things he didn't say. For instance, I will do better and will prove to you or show you how much I want us to work and will work towards building our foundation again.

In reality, I am more scared now of the end coming and feel like my walls that I was starting to build have come down. I am back to the wondering when and if he will call again phase and if and when I will see him again. His mom is flying out for a couple weeks and will be staying with him beginning this week. In a way I am happy for that, since I know she will help him sort some stuff out, but on the other hand, I know it will make us seeing eachother virtually impossible.

Live and love lots,
EG

July 16, 2006
10:29 pm
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Jenni
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I don't think it would be the best idea for my XF and I to try again. We're friends, and I think that's the best place for us.

But I think he was kind of a "fix" for me, for a while. I only felt good for a while after having contact, but it was only temporary until I would return to the wondering and wishing again. And this was like a withdrawl, because it would only be until I heard from him, until I would feel better again. This just kept repeating itself, over and over.

Until I had finally decided to tackle the "withdrawl" on and face it head on with boldness. Now, I feel relieved from all of that turmoil.

But we're all different and we must do what we think is the right thing for ourselves.

July 16, 2006
10:47 pm
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expressgirl
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Jenni,
It's funny, I dont even kow you, but it seems as though you somehow know exactly what I am feeling and where I am at.

" I only felt good for a while after having contact, but it was only temporary until I would return to the wondering and wishing again. And this was like a withdrawl, because it would only be until I heard from him, until I would feel better again. This just kept repeating itself, over and over. " ----exactly how I feel.

It seems as our relationship goes on, the shorter the fix of contact with him lasts. Like the appetite to fill the need is insatiable.

I am proud of your self love and self respect and knowing/choosing to do what is best for you. I pray I find the right answers for me and that whatever happens, I stay true to myself. It's the decision and patience to really decide what is best for me and not him, that is the hardest. I always tend to think of others and take care of others instead of myself.

Love,
EG

July 16, 2006
11:00 pm
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Jenni
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EG, this type of thing is more common than you think. If "love" begins to become an addiction, THIS is when we need to step back and take another look at things, and ask ourselves if this is truly healthy for us.

(((EG)))

Jen

July 17, 2006
12:33 am
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July 17, 2006
12:38 am
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expressgirl
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Jenni,
I am still having a rough go. I feel like I am anxiously waiting for him to choose me and want me again. Man, letting go and acknowledging that whatever will be will be is hard. I have to stop trying to control things and trying to will him into wanting me.

🙁 feeling lonely

EG

July 17, 2006
12:47 am
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Jenni
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You'll be ok, EG. Just give yourself the time for transition, to where you won't care.

I plan to answer on your other thread. But right now, I'm so exhausted, I would like to wait until my mind is all there.

So I'll check back with ya'! You hang in there and stay positive! I'll chat with you soon!

(((EG)))

Jenni

July 17, 2006
8:09 am
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StronginHim77
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Praying for you today. Be strong. Let "No Contact" do its work. It NEVER fails.

Love,

Strong

July 18, 2006
12:45 am
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expressgirl
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So, I didnt make contact today...but he did. He instant messaged me and called me twice. He invited me over for dinner tomorrow again. I said yes, but I am really having serious doubts on whether or not to go. I mean why do I have to go to his place and why is he all of the sudden now interested in me, just because yesterday I told him I was tired of the way he was acting and I am not just a toy that he can pull out of the closet when he feels like it. I think I am in love with who he once was or the idea of him. It has been a long time since I really felt happy and secure with him. Our relationship has been rocky from the get go. I dont want to go and get lured back, be used as a booty call, or given just enough to make me stay with him a little longer and not break up.

Confused!!!!!

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