Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Is he scared, needs space or wants out again???
July 13, 2006
12:43 am
Avatar
Jenni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What did he mean by "I commit to anything."?

I really do think it is time to let go, Honey. (as painful as it can be), but I believe in the long run, you wouldn't be sorry.

July 13, 2006
12:46 am
Avatar
expressgirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

He couldnt commit to making plans with me. I havent heard from since this morning.

July 13, 2006
12:57 am
Avatar
Jenni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ok, so he meant that he commits to "nothing". Well, Express, that was an honest, (ugly, but honest) comment.

He doesn't seem to be a man of many words, but I think that the few words he does say would be worth paying attention to. Just by what I gather, just in that short statement of his, he's letting it be known that he's the "committing" type. Which means he doesn't have much to offer you.

It seems he can offer you some little bits and pieces, here and there, but nothing long term. He's the "Good Time Guy", not the "Settle Down" guy. I don't view this as a serious relationship kind of guy. Not the right material.

But this is just my take, from those few short words from him. Honey, it is what it is. If you wish for anything different, you'd best look elsewhere. This guy will not be the one to fulfill your dreams, if long term is the hopes you have. I'm sorry...

(((Expressgirl)))

Think'n of ya', Sweetie!

Jenni

July 13, 2006
2:18 pm
Avatar
expressgirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Jenni,
That is why I am so confused. He has told me over and over again that he loves me, wants to marry me soon after our divorces are final, that he wants me to move in when my lease it up this fall, that I am perfect for him, let me bond with his son, etc.. He used to call me 3-4 times a day and would see me almost every single day for the last 6 months. Now, since 4th of July, he hasn't wanted to see me at all and barely calls, but when he does see me and talk to me on the phone he always says "I love you" and "I miss you", how can someone change soooo much in less than 2 weeks. I know he has told me that he is very stressed about money, and is having a hard time with his divorce and breaking up his family. But what do I do? Wait for him to be ready to open up and talk to me or call him out and ask what's going on? I know right now he feels an immense amount of pressure and fear.

July 13, 2006
3:22 pm
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Like everyone said on this post that you need to let him go. You are going to set your self up for something that you already know is going to happen. I believe that you already knows what to do but you are having a hard time with it. You can't make something happen that is not going to happen. Yes the time that you spent with him was good but when it comes down to talking about the future this guy don't have anything to say. You will always have a place in your heart for him but I think that it is time to let go.

July 13, 2006
8:57 pm
Avatar
Jenni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I agree with Nappy. And I would also like to add, that I think it is way too soon, for either one of you to be getting involved in a serious relationship, before your divorces are even final. Infact, I believe that one needs some good amount of time, after the divorce, to allow some healing and growth, so that you will have all of yourself to offer in a new relationship. Otherwise, you are putting yourself at risk of being involved in a "rebound" relationship. And with BOTH of you being in the process of a divorce, your risks of this is doubled.

Anyway, Express, please just think about that. You could either choose to hurt for a little while, by ending it, or hurt for eternity, by hanging on. You do actually have control over your choices on this one. I hope you understand this.

(((EG)))

Jenni

July 13, 2006
9:24 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Express

WOW, sounds like the sign of our times. So many stories like this, and then we call ourselves co-dependent. All you want is a normal, loving, consistent relationship, and when it is taken from you, rather than detaching (as you were advised, your instincts are to push harder). Please read my post on meaning and purpose. Define your core values. Your core values differ from his, and this is a real test of the strength of your relationship. You are being tested, because you are attracted to and connected to, possibly rather deeply, aspects of him that are not enough to keep the relationship a lasting one. In fact, right now, you are getting hurt by being with him and without him. However, like all relationships, we can tell you to walk, but you need to let it die its natural death...meaning, when you walk, you need to be ready to walk. Either you will have realized he does not fulfill your needs, he hurts you more than you can stand, or some such negative thing, or he will dump you first. Many of us have been tested over and over and have learned over the years what hurts us (until the next time), but we have yet to learn what makes us happy. As we learn more, we get better at communicating our boundaries..that is good. Maybe you might start by telling him kindly and quietly that there will be no more standing you up. Show him that you respect yourself. That is a start. If he cannot honor that, the relationship will begin the course of its natural death. Good luck my friend. This is a difficult situation many of us can relate to in one way or another. P&L

July 13, 2006
10:35 pm
Avatar
expressgirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I thank you all so much for your posts. I agree with you all, but true to form, it is always easier said than done. You are correct we both shouldnt have gotten together so soon after filing for divorce (or right before filing), but now it is too late because I already have fallen very hard for him.

I am truly heartbroken that he and I could have such a deep relationship and totally planning our future together, talking about getting married, planning moving in together, flying back east to meet his family, etc... and even as recent as Tuesday night have a great night (mind you that was after a week of totally backing off and not calling) to now where he doesnt call at all and makes no plans to see me.

I am terrified to face what a breakup would look and feel like with him. The thought of having the conversation, dividing our things, giving back keys to each others places and cars, etc... would feel like. I dont want to let him go. I want to be with him and go back to the way things were.

I know it was all too much and too fast for him, but how do you walk away from someone so easy and not look back or even talk to them about where you are at emotionally???

July 13, 2006
10:42 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

it's hard until he does something that is so intolerable that it wakes you up to other behaviors that you have become immune to or rationalized that most people would see as interolerable..or he dumps u first... either way, it is normal to mourn over the loss of a dream...JUST DONT GET MARRIED when there unresolved issues now.

July 13, 2006
10:53 pm
Avatar
expressgirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I dont want to get married to him right now. When we talked about it, it was more of a feeling or a way to express to each other how deeply we cared for each other, but we never got engaged or even talked about timing.

He will have to face me eventually right??? I know I sound like a broken record, but...how can he flip flop on his feelings so easily and walk away so easy after 7 months of a deep and intense relationship??

July 13, 2006
11:03 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

express

How can he? because he can. my bro did it to my sis in law after 11 yrs of marriage and 2 kids and no cheating, drugs or anything. my bf did it. I have had intense connections and it happened. No one has to face anyone. this is the state of affairs. This is not like the days of manners and courtship.

but I am jaded. I have seen very few relationships built on respect, kindness, honesty and love. I want that, no matter how many times I get hurt.

U and he may never be what you dreamt of. The loss of the dream can be the worst part.

July 13, 2006
11:07 pm
Avatar
Jenni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, no one said it was easy, but doing what's best isn't always what's easy.

I know you feel like it's too late, because you have already fallen for him, but just because you fell, doesn't mean it's too late. That's kind of like saying, "Well, since I fell for him, I have no other choice other than to keep this thing going, and keep the pain alive." As though it all ends, now, just because you 'fell'. It's like telling yourself, "Oh well, I'm already hurt, so why bother fighting it".

You are submitting to this pain, and allowing it to take control of "who" you are and "where" you are going, as though you have no say in the matter.

If we break our leg, do we just accept it, because it is now broken? Or do we go to the doctor and have a cast put on? And if we choose to have the cast put on, do we leave it on, until it is ready to come off? Or do we take it off too soon, knowing that our leg is still too fragile to function properly?

Well, I know that some of us would probably take the cast off too soon, because we are impatient, and just want to function and get back to normal. (normal, meaning what we are accustomed to and familiar with) Only to become disappointed when we stumble again, because the leg was still too weak to stand on. Then we WISH that we would have left that cast on, to avoid only MORE pain, and MORE lost time to the healing process. Another setback. Only NOW, we need a wheelchair, instead of the crutches. Then we are sad, because we are now even farther back from where we started in the beginning.

The moral of the story? I guess to NOT break our legs! LOL! But really, it would mean to be cautious, and aware. The same goes for our hearts. And if it DOES get broken along the way, then treat it as though you would your leg, and seek help for it, along with the proper care, and time it takes to heal.

EG, I know you are truly in a crappy spot, right now. But it's NOT the end of the road, unless you choose for it to be. I'm sure surgery would hurt, too. But we would still do it, because we know it would help us in the long run.

(((Expressgirl)))

Thinking of you 😉

Jenni

July 13, 2006
11:11 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

jenni

good advise!

July 13, 2006
11:22 pm
Avatar
Jenni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you, P&L.

We live to learn...

July 13, 2006
11:31 pm
Avatar
expressgirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow Jenni, what a great analogy.

I guess I dont want to face the reality that I didnt mean that much to him. I really and sincerely thought he was one of the good ones. That I and our relationship meant enough and was repected enough to warrant an open and honest talk about whats happening and what went wrong.

July 14, 2006
12:20 am
Avatar
Jenni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

EG, there are MANY things in life we don't want to do, but we must. Acceptance is the key, here. For the things we CAN change, and the things we can NOT. And the situation you are in, can not be changed. He's already told you he commits to nothing, and his actions are backing up that statement. That is your truth, that you are looking for. And it hurts, I know.

I'm thinking you're most likely seeing the 'real' him now, not the guy you met and connected with in the beginning. Divorce can cause many emotions, some which are not so rational. Lonliness is a big one during this time. There is a void in the heart, and the search is on to fill that void. When in reality, that hole in the heart, needs to heal correctly, in order to properly function again.

It's very common, that in new relationships, the beginning phases are the best! It all seems like a fantasy coming to life! We see the world in a different light. Suddenly, EVERYTHING makes us happy! But in alot of cases, once some time has passed and the newness has worn off, then the reality comes to life, and it's not always the reality we hoped for. Things aren't always what they appear to be.

To you, the relationship deserves the respect to warrant an honest talk.- (fantasy).

He obviously feels differntly.- (reality).

And in this case, his actions are matching his words. Please don't ignore that. He may not intend to hurt you, but he is definately sending the message of where he stands.

(((HUGS))) to you, EG.

Remember, acceptance is the key, EG. Look up the serenity prayer. There is ALOT of truth in those words.

Jenni

July 14, 2006
11:45 am
Avatar
expressgirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

2 days and no call, no email, nothing...

Not sure if I should call him or just wait forever for him to call me.

July 14, 2006
3:32 pm
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Why are you waiting for him to call you? And why are you thinking about calling him. To say what? You have to take your hands off of this one if you want answer. Make each day count so that you don't have to be just sitting and waiting for a phone call that may or may not happen. We all have been there, rushing home to see if he will call, or don't make plan because we are waiting for him to call. Girl, Pleeeese. Don't waste your time and life on something that you already know what is going to happen. Take the death grip off of him and live your life. You only have one life to live and are you going to keep trying to make something happen when you know that it is not. Let God direct you to your helpmate. Let God get you ready for the next person. Learn from this and take the lesson. It will hurt and if you have fallen for him, get yourself back up again. God didn't make people to be alone but first we have to put him first in order to proceed on with our lives. Get yourself together so that when you get into another relationship, you will know what you want and what you don't want. And maybe this time when you fall for a guy, he will be able to pick you up and not let you go. (smile)

July 14, 2006
4:10 pm
Avatar
expressgirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanks Nappy, unfortunately he and I will haveto talk eventually because we have financial issues to sort out and to exchange and sort through our stuff at each others places.

Its not like I can just walk away and have no contact.

He did call this morning, but I was very cold and he didn't talk about anything important, but he did apologize for not calling me and checking in. i acted as if I didnt care one way or the other.

July 14, 2006
4:42 pm
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I know sweetheart that you both have to talk about something, I was just stating that talk with your mind and not your heart. I know that the heart can get in the way sometimes and you will be alright.

July 14, 2006
5:54 pm
Avatar
expressgirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Why is it that I feel soooo incredibly bad and guilty for being cold on the phone. Please tell me I did nothing wrong and was justified to be a bit po'd that he hadn't called.

July 14, 2006
8:02 pm
Avatar
expressgirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Anybody??? Why am I feeling like I was the bad person here? I know I did nothing wrong, but I feel bad and scared.

July 14, 2006
9:25 pm
Avatar
Jenni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

EG, I have to ask. Do you HEAR any of the words that are spoken to you? It's almost as though it's going around you and not 'to' you.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad. Infact, it's quite the contrary. We are trying to HELP you. But you don't seem to want to hear anything, but 'how' you can work this out with him. I already know that this is denial, and fear coming thru your words.

But you eventually will HAVE to face this, Honey. He WILL make this a reality, (your reality) in time. It's already in the works. So you must prepare yourself for the truth. This is going no further than where it is now. You have to come to terms with this, before it is forced upon you. THAT will be more painful than what you are feeling right now.

I am sorry for your pain. But it is time for you to face this and ACCEPT it for what it truly is, not for what you 'wished' it would be.

(((EG)))

Jenni

July 14, 2006
11:36 pm
Avatar
expressgirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Jenni, you are right. I am in denial. I can feel the tides have shifted and I need to face reality. It is just so sad to see the dream die. I really thought he was the ONE. You are completely right, I need to face facts and deal with this now, before he and I have the breakup conversation and the exchange of our stuff.

July 15, 2006
12:05 am
Avatar
Jenni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((((((((((((((((((Expressgirl)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm not trying to minimize your pain. I was just where you are now, only a few months ago. And I truly know and understand the pain you are feeling. Trust me! We were engaged for 2 out of the 3 years we were together, and it hurt to let go.

But it hurt MORE, to be involved and to think that this could have been the rest of my life.

I love ya', Honey! And I only want to help you, here.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
41
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110959
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38560
Posts: 714251
Newest Members:
charli55, SeaG1ant, shawncanwe, lianot, dagaf, duminy
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information