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Is he scared, needs space or wants out again???
July 8, 2006
11:58 pm
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expressgirl
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I am not sure of anyone read my thread on Codependent And Terrified of Losing My Relationship, but that offers a little insight into my current situation.

So, after my posts on that thread he and I have not gotten much better at all. In fact, I would say things have gotten more strained.
He used to call me like 3 times a day and send loving text messages. but, this week he didnt call me at all on Wed and Thurs. I had to call him Thurs night to go over a money issue. He ended up comng over and spent the night which we had a pretty good date and a great talk that night. I eneded up telling him I had realized I was codependent and was putting a lot of pressure on the relationship to be perfect. He was very happy to hear my acknowledgment. Then Friday we woke up and things were better, but still very off. I left for work and then called to take him to breakfast. We went out and then I had to go back to work. He ended up calling me late last night and I missed the call, but he left a VM. Then this morning when I called him back, he was extremely short and very distant and hurried off the phone. I havent heard from him all day and I am supposed to see him and his son tomorrow morning to spend the day together. I can tell he is pulling away and doesnt want to talk about why or open up to me. I tend to starting pressuring for answers and reasons why. I dont know what to do or say when I see him tomorrow. Any ideas???

Plus, I am scared he will call me tonight or early tomorrow morning and cancel. He has done that in the past when he acted this way.

I really want to do the right thing here. Help please.

Thanks šŸ™‚

July 9, 2006
12:04 am
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expressgirl
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I knew it. As soon as I wrote this post, I just received a text message saying he needed to cancel tomorrow.

I am so confused and scared.

July 9, 2006
12:04 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I am bumping this up sweetheart. I will try and post back later.

July 9, 2006
1:51 pm
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expressgirl
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Thanks Randomwomen2, I am really confused.

July 9, 2006
4:03 pm
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kc30
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Express
In my experience, the harder I tried to figure someone else's motives out, or analyze another person's actions, the worse I would feel.

IMHO--It sounds like you are way too fixated on him, and what he is and isn't doing, which is not at all fair to you because your own life will be neglected and go unlived.

Don't worry about what might happen- only deal with right here and now. It's hard to let things unfold but it's a lot easier on the head to detach and let things unfold without trying to control things.

Detach and go out and have a good time. It's a lot easier to deal with ups and downs when I'm in a good, peaceful place and feeling good about myself and my life.

peace
kc

July 9, 2006
4:50 pm
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Jenni
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I think no contact would be in order, right about now. I would reply to his message telling him that "Actually, this works out for me, so don't feel bad. I had some other things to do, and now I can do it. So have a good day, and I'll catch ya' later." Then go silent and stay busy!

Don't pursue or push anything, just act uninterested and unmoved. Make yourself look too busy to care! This not only makes you "appear" more confident and in control, (which is most attractive), but you will even begin to FEEL more in control. And you might actually even stop giving a rip about him or what's going on! šŸ˜‰

(((HUGS))) Be TOUGH!

Jen

July 9, 2006
9:34 pm
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expressgirl
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I wish I were stronger. I texted him this morning and called him this afternoon. He didnt reply or answer the call. But, I didnt leave a VM.

I know he has a lot going on right now. He told me last night when he called that he wanted to cancel today because his son was having a really hard time yesterday and that he wanted to use today to talk to his son about the divorce with his ex. I know I am codependent and impatient. I am really trying to be a better person. A stronger person. But, the truth is that I am really depressed. I have been in bed watching movies all day. I havent got up once.

I feel like emotionally I am in a really bad place right now. I feel scared and all alone.

Thanks for listening.

July 10, 2006
10:36 am
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lovinglife
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Expressgirl...hmmmmm, I'm really tired right now but your story sounds similiar to mine. In short about a month ago I posted on a thread (Is it just sex or ???) wondering about the pull/push thing that was going on in my relationship with a man I adored. I ended up feeling stupid for questioning his motives or even questioning the relationship. Well today, I'm a proud dazed and confused member of the No Contact Club. (No Contact Club resurrected thread). Would have never guessed that would be the case when I made my very first posting about a month. I feel for ya.

July 10, 2006
12:41 pm
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nappy
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First of all, Expressgirl, you need to take your hands out of this one, and put your trust in god. The more that you pull toward him, the more he is going to withdraw from you. You need to give yourself and him some space because you need to first understand what you want in life. Don't hold on to this like it is a life or death situation. You need to enjoy your life. You only have one. He will come around when he realize that you are not living your life for him. Stop making plan so that you can see him. It is like a game and he already knows how to play it because he knows that you will always be there. Do you think that if you haven't called him that night, that he would have came over on his own. Or did he come over to just get some and then life goes on like it always has for him. It is hard but you have to do it. Ask yourself how long is you going to get playing the game. Only you can decide.

July 10, 2006
2:40 pm
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expressgirl
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Thanks for the posts. He called last night and said"I am really stressed out, totally off-center and scared I am going to do something stupid again." then he said "I want to tell you whats on my mind, but it is all jumbled and it will scare you and I dont havethe emotional capacity to chase you right now" I told him that after hearing that, he pretty much has to tell me what's going on, that that is only fair to me. He went on to say "he is afraid of breaking up with me, that he is not over his divorce and feels it will take years to get over, that he knows I want kids in the next 3-4 years and I want ot get married in the next couple years and he is afraid he cant meet that timeline". I asked well if you are thinking of breaking up with me is it because either you dont love me or you think that we are not right for each other? He said "no, those things have never crossed my mind." He then said he didnt want to talk about it anymore and said he was going to go to bed and told me not to worry about him or the stuff he said.

What the heck...how can I not worry???
Today he has ignored my instant messages to him saying "good morning" and "have a great day". He is online, but ignoring me...

WHAT DO I DO?

July 10, 2006
2:52 pm
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Majiklee
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walk away and don't look back. Life is too short and its not your job to fix him or make sure he's ok. these mental games are a form of mental abuse. don't allow this. set your boundaries and remember...its not your job to fix him.

July 10, 2006
4:12 pm
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expressgirl
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Do you think it is really mental abuse or just playing games?

July 10, 2006
5:05 pm
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Majiklee
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playing games with someone's emotions and mental well-being is not a game at all - it is abuse and it creates heartache, confusion and depression. Why on earth would you tolerate someone doing that to you? Would you tolerate someone picking on your child? A game is when both players are having a good time. You must set boundaries or ground rules...what is and isn't allowed and stick to them. In other words, don't draw your boundaries in sand...carve them in stone.

trust me, there are PLENTY of healthy, good people out there. No need to waste a single day on this mess. Life is too short. Ask my friend whose 28 y/o son just died last night in a car wreck. life is too short to be sad all the time.

July 10, 2006
6:47 pm
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expressgirl
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Majiklee, I am so very sorry ot hear about your friends son.
Thanks for the advice. you are right. I am very tired of my bf's mind games. He has been online messenger for 8 hours now and never said one thing to me or replied to me.

I deserve way more from a bf. I just need to figure out what to say or do to either cut the ties or set some serious boundaries of what is acceptable behavior and treatment towards me.

July 10, 2006
7:32 pm
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Majiklee
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You should treat the one you love as if they were made of glass - and expect no less in return. Love is something that comes from the heart. It makes you adore and respect that person, even when you're mad - you still respect them and they respect you. You should feel good about the way you treat the person you love.. and vice versa.

I personally would not say a thing, but simply stand up, brush yourself off, and disappear like magic.

Good luck and MAKE YOURSELF PROUD!

July 11, 2006
12:52 am
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expressgirl
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how can someone go from flat out ignoring you all day to sending you an email a 5pm saying I love you and then go back to ignoring you all night????

July 11, 2006
1:13 am
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Jenni
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Reverse the situation and ignore HIM. Don't make yourself available to him, then there will be nothing for him to ignore.

July 11, 2006
12:03 pm
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nappy
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You are still trying to make things goes the way that you want them to go. Just take your hands off of the situation and take care of yourself. Stop trying to make something out of nothing because it is not going to work. He is trying to tell you that he don't want relationship. Once he knows that you haven't gotten in contact with him or even trying to see him. He will be trying to get in contact with you to see what is wrong. There will be nothing wrong because you have gotten sick and tired of playing the abuse game with him. As long as he knows you are still hung up on him, just watch what he does. Not calling you, Not e-mailing you, or even text messages you. Find something else or somebody to be with. You seem like a person that knows what they want so just use it.

July 11, 2006
12:31 pm
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expressgirl
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Nappy, yes I do know what I want. In the rest of my life I am a very confident and successful person.

This relationship has brought out the worst in my personailty and exposed my deep rooted issue of codependency.

btw- he called last night and was all lovey and invited me to dinner tonight. But by that point I was already too upset and I unloaded on him. Telling him I didnt like having a bf that I only talk to late at night and dont see very often, nor did I like having one that ignored me.
So, not sure if are plans are still a go for tonight.

July 11, 2006
1:36 pm
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Majiklee
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I hate to be so direct, but it sounds like you are nothing more than a booty call. You need to see it for what it is...nothing. You say this relationship has brought out the worst in your personality and exposed your deep rooted issue of codependency. ??? Maybe not, maybe you are just an honest and open person who would never think of playing games or being deceitful towards others, which makes you prey for those who have mastered that game. This is where you need to draw your boundaries...refuse to tolerate this treatment. move on sister, there are so many men out there that are good and honest and deserve a good woman. quit wasting your precious time on this creep.

July 11, 2006
3:48 pm
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nappy
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I think that Majiklee is right. You just might be just a booty call to him. And maybe it is just the way that it is. I'm sure that some of us has been there but they didn't have a name for it then. (smile)
Mens start off being nice and wanting to take you to dinner and being very friendly to you until they get what they want. Now if you want the same thing (sex) then go for it but don't do it thinking that everything is going to be alright because it is not unless he want it to and it seem like he don't want it. You do seem like you are a very bright girl and do know what you want. I just hate to see so many girls getting hook into hoping that everything will turn out alright and just haven't learn that this is the way it is.

July 11, 2006
8:32 pm
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Jenni
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Express, If you go to dinner with him tonight, you WILL be sending him the messege that he is still able to work you over. This will be opening the door to MORE of this crap.

I don't mean to sound cold-hearted or harsh, but WOMAN, you really need to cut this guy OFF! ALL the way! There is NO amount of talking, discussing, or rationalizing that will change what IS.

I feel bad for saying this, but if you go out with him tonight, it will be a great disappointment to know that you have subjected yourself to this game. This dinner is all about proving to HIMSELF that he can still "win you over" whenever he wishes! It's an ego trip, and you're taking the bait.

PLEASE, if it's not too late, just put his stuff outside, and stick to the original plan. This really is toxic, Honey! And you WILL get hurt again, over and over. Think about that, Express. You would be just adding more length to the misery of this relationship.

My thoughts and concerns are with you.

Jenni

July 11, 2006
9:37 pm
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Jenni
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Ok, I mistook you for another poster with my last post, but it still pretty much all applies, except the part where I said to "stick to the original plan and put his stuff outside." Sorry about that.

I'm wishing you the best in this situation. Sorry for the harshness, as I thought you were someone else, here. (bad with names...)

(((Expressgirl)))

July 11, 2006
10:19 pm
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Honolulugal
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Expressgirl,

Once again, I agree with Jenni. Turn the tables and ignore HIM. Go silent and just see what happens. You have more control here than you think....use it.

July 13, 2006
12:39 am
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expressgirl
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Darn, I wish I would have read your posts earlier. I did go last night. We had a great time, but I feel like it was pretending. He made me a very nice candlelit meal with wine and then we cuddled and watched movies until we fell asleep. BUT...we never once talked anything about our relationship or what is going on. When I brought it (his curent stress over his divorce)up he said "I don't want to talk about it." Then when I brought up making plans for Saturday he said "I commit to anything."

I need to let it go..

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