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Is he gone now ?? I Cant bear it
January 21, 2005
4:49 pm
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dgayle
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I have been married 4 years to a man that I truly love. He has always had a bad temper, would get angry with me, then leave for a few days, come home like nothing ever happenened. I always took him back & said nothing. Last week, he got so angry, he started choking me ( he had never touched me before). I called the police & had him arrested. He is charged with a felony & not allowed to contact me till court date.
I want my marriage restored & I want him back. I am hoping this will give him a jolt & he will realize he needs help & want to come home & work things out. When he is not angry, he is so wonderful & we have a great relationship.Im so afraid that even though he has always come back before that maybe this time he wont. Need advice, please help

January 21, 2005
4:52 pm
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marley
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d - wow. honestly? if he choked you even once for one second I would hope he stays away. I have a great friend who is getting married to a guy that I really like, but I am still a little leary because one time two years ago he tried to choke her. He was drunk and never remembered but still he did it. I don't know how she forgave him, but she did. I wouldn't. As much as I believe that people can change there are some lines that should never ever be crossed and trying to intentionally hurt someone you love is one of them. Justify and excuse all you want - it is not a sign of love but an abhoration.

January 21, 2005
4:54 pm
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ILSILS
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no one ever ever ever should be aloud to put their hand on you, ever! i hope that you would consider making sure he has gone through some anger management classes or something before you even let him come back

January 21, 2005
5:05 pm
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lostforever
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i have been married for 12 years to an abusive man. I'm not telling you your husband is anything like mine but you may want to listen to my story.
I too thought that the first time i had him arrested he would change, he would not hurt me again, and he talk hes sweet talk and i went back. Everything was good for awhile and it happend again, and once again i fell for the charmer in him and went back. I have really lost track of how many times i have done this circle of abuse. My husband has even gone through anger managment classes and alcohol classes and still not even two months of completing that he abused me again.
It was not always physical abuse most was verbal and emotional which is harder to should i say get rid of the scars than the bruses he would put on me.
Well i'm gone again its been the longest i have stayed gone from him, I almost fell again but i started going to counseling and was for the first time in 12 years honest with someone other than myself what was going on in my marriage. I have now learned the patterns and am becoming stronger everyday. I filed for a divorce yesterday and i am really done with being abused by anyone evr again in my life.
I hope you really take a look at you situation and be honest with yourself. Maybe call or go to a domestic abuse counseler and be honest with them. They will not judge you if you want to go back to him they will however help you understand different types of abuse and the patterns it takes. they will help you come up with a plan if you do decide to go back, a plan to help you get out and be prepared if it does happen again.
Please take care and be honest with yourself and someone who knows and has been through what you are going throuhg.

January 21, 2005
5:13 pm
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sewunique
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d...

I agree that you may want him back, that he has some deep seeded anger issues. If he has done this once, it can and will happen dodwn the read. what happens when he will get really angry and loose control? If you are at this point in time, requesting, no, insist about the anger management classes. This is not a simple one time never to happen again situation. It is most serious. Just ask the police. when our home town police came over for my 911 call, just because he 'blocked me' from driving my car out of the driveway, do you know what they had to ask me? How long before it took you to figure this (him and his anger and control) out for yourself? I told them about 6 years. Anf this was small town, where we knew the police and etc. My soon to be ex is a teacher, who is supposed to be a nice guy. The police had it figured out!!! Do not let it take YOU six years to figure this out.

Right now because of where this all stands for you with the court date and all, please take advantage of it for yourself. You may want him back, but take steps to ensure this behavior of his is addressed, NOW! This is really a serious issue; abusers, have anger issues. They only escalate, sooner or later.

Take care of yourself and please be safe,

Sew

January 21, 2005
5:53 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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After the first instance of physical abuse in a relationship the chance for it happening again, without intercession, rises to 90%. I know it's hard but if you can get out of that relationship you'll be a lot better for it.

The pattern of behavior you describe is typical for sociopathic abusers but isn't excluded for simple alcoholics either.

If he's a sociopath than he won't stop. If he's an alcoholic than unless he gets sober he won't stop. In either case you shouldn't decide you can save him. If he's an alcoholic leaving him might save his life!

You should call a batterred women's hot-line and talk to them. Ask them questions. They've been dealing with this type of thing for years.

One of the abused women I've talked to told me that one of the things that kept her in the relationship for such a long time was the feeling she got after reconciliations. She said the feeling of euphoria on those occasions (and it's not Love) eclipsed all of the beatings she endured at the hands and feet of her abuser.

I know it's hard. If it weren't than many more women would be able to leave these men a lot sooner. You're not alone, in the way you feel, or what you've been through, or even what you might be thinking.

I'm rooting for you. I know it's hard but one day you'll look back on this and realize you're a better person. You can only do it if you're alive. It's not your fault but now you've got to do something about it. I'm sorry.

January 21, 2005
6:02 pm
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shyshy
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I'm not an alcoholic and by no means a sociopath but I tried to choke my boyfriend once. Only because he was abusing me though. I had never been physically abused before and was not used to it. At first I freaked and cried yada yada yada. After the first few times I got angry and tried to choke him. After a few more times of slamming me agains the wall he slapped me while I was driving him home and I completely lost it. I punched him in the eye so hard the next day it was so swollen and purple he couldn't open it. The moral of my story is that I have never ever laid a hand on anyone one in my life till now. The punch in the eye was bruing for a while because of his abuse. He brought the anger in me out. My point is that I now know what it feels like to punch someone in the eye and won't think twice to do it again if I have to. Once you cross that line it's hard to go back. He crossed that line and in my opinion it's going to be hard for him to control his anger otherwise in the future.

January 21, 2005
7:52 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Wow. You punched back. Good for you!! No. I certainly wouldn't think you were either of those for fighting back...

You're just a good-looking, confident, young woman. I'm sorry you had to go through that anyway.

I'm not sure what to say except that I hope your relationship either does a hell of a lot better or that you leave him.

The psychological veil that you disassembled when you hit him will come back after a while and if he's going to get physical again he'll remember that black-eye. Be careful. Please.

January 21, 2005
7:57 pm
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CAMER
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why would you want him back??? he is an abuser, and only he can get help for himself. Unless he willing gets into anger management, i would not even want to speak with him. I wish you luck, but its hard to change others........only yourself and your surroundings.

January 21, 2005
8:14 pm
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hopyhoo
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camer can i have you ,also ,helping me in the post from H.?
(SORRY dgayle)

January 22, 2005
8:20 pm
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dgayle
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Thank you all for your advice.
I failed to tell you his anger pattern.
He usually gets something on his mind that is bothering him, holds it in for a few days & then starts drinking.
Seems like alcohol loosens him up enough to talk , but then there is no discussion, he just gets angry about what is bothering him
After analyzing such petty arguments for a long time , I have realized that everything with him comes down to control. If he feels he is not in control of everything going on in his home, he blows up.
I have talked to the D.A. & requested that the court order him to anger management & AA.
I'm still wondering if he will want to come back or not?
My friends YES, so I better be setting some rules.
Im hurting now so Im confused as to whether I should be preparing to set boundaries on his coming back or trying to prepare myself to get over him???

January 23, 2005
12:39 pm
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dgayle
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been reading all advice & thanks, very helpful.
Ihave talked with police that arrested him & realeased him on bail.
Since this assault was a felony , he will be put on probation , If he touches me again, he will automatically go to prison. I have no say so in the matter at all. State Law. He knows this. So far he is doing everything he is supposed to . The cop told me jail really scared him. He has never had to pay for his actions before. No one , including me has ever stood up to him. He was married before when he was in the military,( he is retired military)
dont know what happened between them but she filed for divorce after 1 year. I have checked the records & he has no prior record at all ( not even a speeding ticket).
He is telling the police officer he will do whatever the judge says willingly. The cop me I done him a favor by having him arrested, I dont know if I did or not.
If he wants to come back & the judge does order the anger management & AA as I think he will, should I give it another try?? or will he even want to try to come back. Please help, I dm trying to prepare myself because court is soon.

January 25, 2005
2:11 pm
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dgayle
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I hope all of you read this. I have been to the pit of pain over the last week. I do mean I was at rock bottom. (I even wrote my suicide letter) over this man, but I decided that God might really be there so I would give him a chance. I had nothing to lose. I got down on my knees & cried out to him for help & with much,much prayer, Im am finally realizing the truth about my husband & myself. I have always believed in God but not too religous.
I'm amazed at what has happened in my life in the past 9 days.
I am realizing just how badly I have been abused & how much time I have spent denying it & excusing his behavior. I see the pattern now, he started out with manipulation ( I thought I was crazy for a long time)to emotional abuse to verbal abuse & finally physical abuse.I always excused everything thinking it would get better because the good times were so wonderful & I love him so much that I did not want to give that up. Im finally seeing that I can not help him. It does Not matter what I do, & I have done everthing " I almost became a "Stepford Wife" just trying to please him & still could not. I see now He has got to want to help himself & get that help on his own. Only God knows what it will take for him to get that help or maybe he never will. Im still grieving a lot but am also regaining some self respect & realizing that I do deserve a lot more. I dont know what will happen in court but no matter how bad it hurts now , I am never going to be treated like old junkyard dog again by anyone. Im too good of a person. I have so much love to give & there r too many men out there that really want someone to truly love & will return it.Please post & I hope this has helped you all.

January 25, 2005
2:26 pm
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Anonymous
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I think that like me, you place a lot of this on you. We try to gain what we are suppose to gain out of this but in the meantime, it is so hard to understand what it is the lesson.

I worked in domestic violence and I have seen this pattern as well, so funny how you can be so knowledgeable on something and then when you are smack dab in the middle of it, not really know it.

THe thing I find the most sad is that regardless of what the court orders for the defendant, it is really up to them to get out of it what they need to.

January 25, 2005
2:31 pm
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mamacinnamon
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dgayle

I will also echo the abuse I got from an evil man in a bad marriage, but...you don't need to hear it again. Just reread above if you need to be reminded.

I am glad this has brought you closer to God. That is the biggest and best step you could have taken. But, after years of abuse you need to get help for yourself also. I'm sure your self-esteem is low. If you were to the point of writing a suicide letter (I've been there) then I think counseling would be good for you to do. (Not telling you what to do.) It's a long road back to healthy after being abused for many years....I know. I am happy you are not going to allow this any more, but let's help you too. The problem is never solved until both he and you get the healing you need.

January 25, 2005
2:40 pm
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sc13
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Wow Dgayle. I'm glad you're beginnign to see that you don't deserve that behavior. Maybe you should think about seeking help for codependency, I've been reading up on it and found that I've been codependent on everyone in my life, it is shocking to realize that.

I was a Psych major in college and took a class on women and abuse, and one thing we learned was that the abuse does escalate after the first instance, but that if the abused person gives an ultimatum and lays down the law after the first instance, the likelihood of it happening again drops. I hope this will be true with you.

My fiance's sex therapist recommended a book to me called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, I just got it in the mail yesterday. Maybe you should think about doing some research on codependency.

I'm thinking of you, good luck!!

January 25, 2005
2:58 pm
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mamacinnamon
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sc13,

Codependency No More is a most excellent book. I've been thru it over and over thru the years.

January 25, 2005
3:02 pm
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sc13
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Thanks mama, I'm looking forward to reading it. I hope it helps me change some habits and ways of thinking. I nearly fell out of my seat when I started reading about codependency, the things I read described me to a T, and I always wondered what was wrong with me and why I was never happy. I've always depended on everyone else and felt I had to take care of everyone else. Its like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I can identify what is wrong and think that maybe there is a way to change it.

January 25, 2005
7:50 pm
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shyshy
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Twinks:

What you wrote was deep! It really hit home.

January 25, 2005
10:27 pm
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woundedspirit
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Wow! What perfect timing for me to come across this thread. Last night my ex who I dated 3 1/2 years, choked me for the first time. Its never quite gotten physical before but there were times I was afraid it would. Long story but I caught him in a lie and he was so angry at how I caught him that he almost rammed his car into the back of mine and passed me and blocked the road so I had to stop then jerked my door open and started choking me. Then he grabbed my cell phone and ran and took off in his car. I would not have called the cops except to get my phone back but they saw my neck red and asked about it and wanted to arrest him but I was stupid and would not let them. Actually LIED and said he didnt really. I cant believe I did that, especially considering the hurt his lie has just caused me. But since he hadnt done it before, I let it go. Im glad you are stronger than I was and even though it wasnt written to me, I also appreciate all the above advice and will keep it in mind in my own situation. Im sorry dgayle but Im not in a position to offer advice but I do offer you my support as I know how difficult it is.

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