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Is dating really this difficult these days?
May 4, 2007
2:03 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I'm gonna come over there and kick you in the ass!!!

SERIOUSLY...STOP beating yourself up.

You ARE a winner...that's the problem...you don't see it or believe it.

Just cuz you move too fast, doesn't make you a loser...or a mess.

It just means your "methods" need tweaking.

You have gone from being a doormat to being someone strong...now, find your equal...and don't settle for less.

You will find happiness...but it's a gradual process...your happiness has to come from the inside...FIRST...then the rest will follow.

I think you ARE on the right track...just keep chugging along and try not to get too discouraged.

May 4, 2007
2:20 pm
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4harmony
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I do agree that the happiness has to come from the INSIDE. I know I have not made myself happy in quite some time. I know that I did look to my wife to make me happy. When she didn't love me the way I felt I needed, I felt unloved and became needy. She was very turned off by my neediness. I know that I made myself happy at one time. I have to get back to that now, and that is a scary thought! It seems overwhelming and undo-able at this time.

May 4, 2007
2:33 pm
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MzKitty
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Thanks Rising!

This is all just very difficult to deal with at times. I guess I just wish that things could be easier in life, but no one ever said life was easy or fair!

May 4, 2007
2:39 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I think lolli and I have had this convo before...why the hell does self awareness have to be so damn difficult...why can't be just be ignorantly blissful????

But that is what separates us from the ignorant people...is that we ARE AWARE and want better for us and our future generations.

Those that are ignorant may be ok with it...but they won't ever know that life could be better or experience it.

but yeah...I remember having temper tantrums as a kid, stomping my feet and crying that life sucks, it's not fair and why does it have to be so hard.

It just is I guess.

May 4, 2007
3:09 pm
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MzKitty
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rising,

I guess the hard part is, that I always thought that I was such a good person. Someone who would do anything for anyone, and it's almost like coming to the realization that it's not a good thing to be that way. But why? Why isn't it? Is it us co-dependents that are so messed up, or the people like "S" that don't see that we actually are good and caring people? Yes I agree that no one should have to compromise themselves to the point that they are being taken advantage of, I don't want that for myself. I guess I feel frustrated right now because if we could just communicate and understand each other then things might have been good. But for whatever reason he is unable to communicate, listen, and understand me, so it's not a healthy relationship. So why am I taking it so hard? My only guess to that is that yet again I feel rejected and disposable.

May 4, 2007
3:16 pm
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nappy
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Mskitty, you will be alright. You just have to learn to NOT feed that negative energy in your mind. Because as you know that the more you feed it the more it is going to grow.

The moment that I open my eyes, I am happy. That alone should bring happiness to someone. And when you wake up, bring that postitive energy around in the front of your mind and let it stay there for the rest of the day.

I don't ever want to think back on when I was depress and stuck in a moment of sadness. Uhhhhhh....
I don't want to go there ever again because now, right now, the peace is so great. The only thing that I am angry about is that I wasted so much time in doing that when I could of been doing something else with my time and thoughts. And I had to stop blaming other for how I felt. It was me the whole time.
You may be sad today, but there is always joy in the morning.

And 4harmony, you seem like a good person. If you can put all that energy into trying to make your wife happy, then I would turn that energy right back on me. I wouldn't let her rob me of my joy. I just take baby steps in getting yourself in order and trust me, as you are walking you will realize that the steps are getting more and more stronger.
Nappy

May 4, 2007
3:57 pm
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glittered when he walked
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When it comes to dating, i envy my stbx a little. she goes to recovery meetings, and as a woman she's working a real buyers market in terms of people being interested in her (not that they are the best date material..given that they are addicts).

On the other hand, most of my friends are married have kids ad I have been so busy with my own kids that I haven't maintained much of a social life since my kids came along. so I am wondering, when the time comes...where should i go to meet interesting women?

right now, I'm am very much UNINTERESTED in dating exclusively w/ someone. I mean I'll admit it, I'm jaded - I think i have every right to be - but in time it will pass. i certainly don't blame the rest of womankind for my stbx's problems. but right now..its sort of like "no one respects the fire, quite like the fool who's been badly burned." so, I'll take some time, sort things out. but eventually, I know I'll want a female friend and lover with whom I can have a relationship. so, when that time comes....where?

May 4, 2007
4:06 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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mzkitty...you DO know that you are NOT disposable, RIGHT????

Just cuz they aren't good enough doesn't mean YOU aren't good enough.

You are probably MORE THAN they are...and they just can't be your equals.

You ask what's wrong with caring so much...there is NOTHING wrong with it...but the truth is, you have to find someone that will give it back in the same manner you give it and can match you in your efforts.

And NOT everyone can do that....tho because WE do it so easily, we can't quite grasp why other people don't quite get it like we do....but it happens. Just like some people are more athletic than others...loving and being caring just comes easier to some people.

so, find someone that is equally as loving and generous as you yourself are.

Like I said, it's not a reflection of YOU...and until you can be ok with that, dating may always be difficult.

May 4, 2007
4:11 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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glittered....I think that there are probably many women out there who are available...you just don't notice them cuz you are too busy noticing the ones that ARE married.

But they exist...and they may blend into the woodwork a little...like you, thinking nobody is available, so why be noticeable.

Where to look? What do you like to do?

Part of your own recovery can be to find activities you like...then find groups to participate in these activities...and even if you are busy with the kids, keep your eyes open...cuz there are many single moms that are busy with kids too.

Do you like to exercise? Play sports? Do artsy stuff? Dance? Play or enjoy music? Read? Volunteering is a great way to meet people who have big hearts...cuz they are generous to take the time to volunteer...coffee shops, bookstores, libraries...take classes....take continuing education classes, music classes, art classes, dance classes...just get out and "participate" in life...and when it's right...you will find the one you are meant to be with...when you AREN'T looking....when you are having so much fun doing that activity that you aren't looking like you ARE looking.

If that makes any sense at all.

May 5, 2007
8:23 am
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taj64
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I think it is timing. YOu meet the person where you are at in your life. It does not matter if it is not right person or not because each situation there is a lesson in it. If you keep meeting shitheads then that is just where you are in life and not much you can do about except move on more quickly from it. I find that guys today just are not looking for anything special. They expect the girl to have sex if not on first date then second or third. There are very few guys that don't want it. But there are some that want it and also a relationship. It is just a matter of weeding it out. I think it is ok that you go into maybe not fall in love with everyone but you want something special, just like everyone else, and there is nothing wrong with that. Some people want something, others just want to get laid. Most men do not want to deal with drama or be romantic either. Dating is easier because of the internet, you can just meet people right away and load of them but new technology also allow lots of problems too. You have more to choose from definately but I think it has become more difficult to find a nice man. Most of the ones I date end up being very poor communicators and lack manners and social skills when it comes to dating women. They think nothing of leaving the woman hanging and wondering. If a guy is really interested in you he will call and if you are interested call too but don't expect the guy to be interested back. Keep your expectation levels as far as interest at an even level. Im not about to go into wanting to change a guy, I am only interested in finding one I don't have to change and I like him the way he is and he likes me for who I am. Even if you are not what you think you are doing a good job at meeting the guy you want, it is just a matter of timing. It certainly cannot last forever. Just picture it as going through the weeds. It is not always you, and life has a way of presenting you with something that you have to check it out and get a feel for it and then if it is not right, go to the next one. For me, I know lately the past year my dating experiences have just been awful, one after the other, but I look at it, as that's just because I give it a try and find most just want sex and that is fine if that is all I wanted but I am looking for something special. I may not get it but that is just the way it is. I live my life the way I want until it if does happen. Each person you date is an experience, take from it, learn from it, and see the positive side of it. If the guy cannot communicate, find one who will and it will be totally different story. There will be a guy who will appreciate a women who is willing to listen to them too. They are out there somewhere. Just move quickly to the next one and don't focus too much on what went wrong and find something that is right - stay positive. Believe me I have been jaded myself, plenty of times, but I deserve something good and if it isn't good, get over it quick and move on. If a guy isn't willing to listen to you on a first few dates, then likely he won't listen to you in the long haul. It doesn't have to be perfect, just good for you and you know it when it happens.

May 5, 2007
9:15 am
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risingfromtheashes
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you know...every experience is different.

I don't think that all guys just want to get laid...or even many...not at my age anyway (35). I have found that the my last and this one wanted to wait. Granted we didn't, but I think it was because I pushed...I wanted it more than they did. I now realize why I did and what a mistake I was making.

Anyhow...my experience with my current boyfriend has refreshed my belief that there are guys out there that "evolve" as the relationship grows...maybe evolve isn't the right word...grow?...I dunno.

But here is an example.

When I met my current BF...he was a young, independent guy...who led a fairly simple lifestyle...he didn't do much except work and tend to his home responsibilities...he didn't get out much, has only a few close friends...and had very limited experience in the relationship department.

We got together and he was totally against going out and doing things (like dates), he said he would never write love notes or cards and didn't buy flowers. He said he didn't have a romantic bone in his body.

Flash forward nine months and I have gotten roses...I have gotten mushy love cards with handwritten notes in it...he sings love songs to me when they come on the radio...he burns candles more than I do...and last night he tells me he wants a four poster bed canopy bed with silk curtains/canopy on it. He can be tender or he can be rough around the edges.

The guy is a total sap.

What I see is that as time wore on...as he grew comfortable with me and trust grew...he opened up...and the relationship opened him up to a side of him that he either didn't know he had, or didn't want to admit he had.

Either way, he has grown...he thinks in terms of "we", not "me"...he talks of future plans...and acts on them...we go out on dates...he has become more adventurous....we have weekly dates we go on...we have planned road trips for the summer time.

All in all, he is not the guy he appeared to be at first.

Now, go back and look at my last two relationships...my last ex was TOTALLY not the guy I thought he was...and even up to the bitter end...I still didn't know fully the guy he was...he kept it hidden...after two years I still didn't know the kind of guy I was promising to marry. Thank god he cheated on me again, so I got smart enough to walk away.

Then my ex-ex...when we met he didn't drink...and was on his best behaviour....took a few months for me to see the real him as well.

And here's the thing.

Had I not dove head first into these relationships...it may have taken me YEARS to see the full scope of who they were...the only real issue was that I didn't WANT to see what was in front of me...so I stayed longer than I should have, hoping things would change.

But yet, here I am, with the new one...giving him chances most said he didn't deserve...and things are working out well...and things are getting better and better.

Maybe it was just dumb luck?

Anyway, I'm rambling...my only point is that dating is a gamble...and the only way to really know someone is TIME...and keeping your eyes and ears open...and making sure you don't get caught up in any fantasy...or that you aren't spending too much time hoping or waiting for them to change.

Had I "required" the typical dating routine from my current BF, we wouldn't have gotten past the first "date"...cuz we never dated until after the fact. I am glad it worked out the way it did...but I also realize that I may have just gotten lucky.

All I can say is sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do...even if you know it's probably wrong...or that everyone else says to not do it.

we all have to learn our own way...and in the end, maybe it's more about luck than anything else? Dunno.

sorry for rambling!

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