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Is asking your partner where there going & when their coming back, codpendency?
January 3, 2006
6:31 pm
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Lostrose
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I was raised to where when either parent went somewhere they would let the other person know & apprx when coming back. This was in case something happened the other would know where to look for them & if they couldn't make it in time they would call. In my last relationship I would ask him where he was going ie; friends house, brothers, ect., & when he thought he would be home to which his reply was it was none of my business. At the time he was a drug addict & I don't know if that had anything to do with it not being my business.

Since I have found I'm codependent & I learned it from my mom who had an alcolholic father I don't know if the way I was raised on letting someone know where your going & when your coming home is appropriate.

January 3, 2006
6:34 pm
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Anonymous
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It's considerate.

And you need to be in an honest loving relationship to be understood what your intentions are.

Some people take it as nagging or grilling their partner - and it can be if you carry it overboard.

But if you have a routine, like family dinner or something - it's normal to expect they be home for it - and if not, WHEN will they be home.

It's considerate to let your partner know what you are up to - but it's not a requirement either - having your own space and having a partner respect it is critical too....has to be a balance.

January 3, 2006
6:38 pm
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Lostrose
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That is another thing I forgot about. It seemed like I could never plan dinner, or anything else cause I never knew if he was coming home.

I feel my life has been so messed up & I never know what is right or what is being codependent, thanks.

January 3, 2006
6:59 pm
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mamabear
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I agree with alicat 100%

My husband and I always try to tell each other where we're going and approx when we'll be home. It has helped in a situation when he got in a wreck and I knew to be worried that he wasn't home.

You never know what might happen.

January 4, 2006
9:18 am
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taj64
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Your past relationship was rude to you to say it is none of your business. A considerate person would let you know as part of respect for a person they love. in a relationship with an addict, the person doing the asking has a lack of trust and a need to know and the person with the dependency of something else, whether it be drug, sex addiction, gambling, etc, the person wants to hide the whereabouts. It is no way to live.

January 4, 2006
9:26 am
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mamacinnamon
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Lostrose:

Thank you for putting this thread up. I have wondered the exact same thing; and it was a value I also learned from my folks. I thought it was just a common courtesy so you'd know what to plan for dinner, so I could keep my schedule clear if he wanted to do anything, etc. And I was told it was not my business and that he was a grown man and didn't have to tell me anything. Sounded like a spoiled child to me, but I have had this struggle in my marriage as well.

January 4, 2006
10:03 am
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glittered when he walked
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also agree w/ alicat.

January 4, 2006
10:12 am
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addicts wife
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common courtesies shouldnt have to be asked for, or "begged" for in a healthy relationship, your partner is your business because you have committed to a relationship, and communicating is part of Relating in the RELATIONship. certai nscenarios vary of course like If one spouce has a "crazy" schedule and doesnt know how their days are going to be becasue there is no set routine, but then if that Is the case, they should call and give you the "courtesy call" to keep you updated, and not feeling like you can't plan or do anything becasue you're either looking out the window or waiting for the phone to ring. it's not like the Boyfriend or husband is simply a roomate of yours, who does "their own thing" all the time.

January 4, 2006
10:35 am
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Anonymous
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The more I think about this, the more I realize that I have more to input on this.

My parents have been married for 35 years. And my dad is not responsible enough to come home after work, check in or be accountable for being home at a certain time. And in the past, my mom used to get very irate over this. And now, she just does her own thing. She makes dinner when she is ready - and if he is there, great, and if not, he can heat up a plate when he gets home. And if she needs to go somewhere, she goes - without checking with him. And if she wants him to go somewhere, she knows there is a chance he will be late, so she doesn't always have a set time - she stays flexible. THIS WORKS for THEM. She can't change him and is not about to divorce him for this - this is part of who he is and he has always been this way. Instead of letting HIM ruin her day - she takes charge of her time and her attitude about it.

Now, my BF and I had a recent fallout over this. And he USED to give me a set time - so recently when he didn't come home when I expected him twice - we had to have a talk over it. And we came to a compromise - and when **I** need him home at a certain time for something - I need to speak up and ask for him to be home. And most times, he will tell me when he is on his way home and be there on time. But there will be times when he says he will be home "later" - and can't give me a time. And if I need him home - I need to speak up - otherwise, the time is open - and I should go about my business and not count him in anything. And if he misses dinner, oh well. And if I have stuff to do - I should go without him. If I WANT him to go or be home for dinner or such - I need to ask and discuss if he can or not - and then do what I need to do anyway. This isn't going to happen all the time - but there are times when he knows he can't give me a specific time and will get home when he can.

Part of my insecurity caused me to think that he didn't love me enough to come right home as soon as he could - or to stop what he was doing and run home to be with me. I realize now that was the codependent/insecure part of me talking.

I think the bottom line is communication. If you DESPERATELY need to know where he is and what he is up to - then find a partner who will accomodate those wishes. But if you have a partner who simply will not - and that's the only fault - then perhaps you need to find a compromise that both of you can live with.

Also - if you are just dating someone - and he has his own place to live and does not live with you - I think the rule shouldn't apply. I think that keeping tabs on someone like that is codependent and needy. You need to trust that he will call or see you when he wants to and that he wants to. And if you want to see him or need to see him - you ask for it...don't just assume he knows. Once you are living together - the situation changes and now you are on a different level of commitment - and typically count on the other person to be there more than someone you are just dating.

January 4, 2006
12:16 pm
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Lostrose
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alicat thank you so much for helping me come up with a solution. I only care if he will be home that night & whatever else he does it doesn't matter to me. There were times he was gone for days & I never knew when he was coming home & I won't put up with that again. However, if he doesn't want to come home for dinner then i'll cook for myself & he can fend for himself & it wouldn't bother me at all. Again thanks to everyone.

January 4, 2006
12:46 pm
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Anonymous
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Lostrose,

sometimes, if you can't get him to "agree" to do anything about his tardiness - then having him face "natural" consequences may wake him up - and open up a dialogue where you can create a compromise.

For a while - when dad had to warm up his own dinners - or have nothing because mom ate cereal or soup or something and didn't fix him ANYTHING - he started coming home and reporting in.

After a while, that fell by the wayside and he was back to his habits. He didn't like the consequences, but wasn't going to change. Eventually, he just accepted the consequences.

Sometimes it's not worth talking it to death. Take things in your own hands - do what you need to meet your OWN needs and leave the partner to fend for his own needs.

Some will realize they are missing out on some good meals and straighten up - others won't care.

If you pay attention to your own needs - then it won't matter if he is home or not.

I have a best friend that is a stay at home mom with four kids. And her husband is home every night like clockwork - and dinner is usually ready to go by time he gets there. Everyone expects this and it's a routine they created from the get-go, as it was important to BOTH of them. But it doesn't always work for everyone. How flexible you are depends on your own tolerance and what's important to you.

I grew up in a family where we always had family dinner together - and it was HORRIBLE. It was never a good experience. And I think that's why I didn't create that routine with my daughter. But now I see that she needs it, and am working to make it a BETTER experience than I remember as a child.

January 4, 2006
12:55 pm
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kathygy
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I don't like the fact that your boyfriend said 'none of your business' to your question. It was very rude and very off putting. He had choices, he could have told you how he feels when you ask him that question, he could have communicated with you about his reality in the relationship. It makes me wonder how serious he is about the relationship to say what he did.

I think its important to sit down and communicate with him how that felt to you and ask him why he feels that way. Ask him how it feels to him when you ask that question.

I won't just let this one go. It seems to me to be symptomatic of something going on with him.

January 4, 2006
12:57 pm
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Anonymous
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Kathy,

not sure if you saw it or not, but she mentions that this was in her LAST relationship - and that the guy is a drug addict - which I can assume is the basis of his behaviour.

sorry if I am stepping on toes here, but thought perhaps you missed the part about it being an ex-boyfriend.

January 4, 2006
2:06 pm
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kathygy
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alicat,

you are right. I missed the part that this was an ex. Yet, she still wonders if this is appropriate.

In light of this, I would say talk it over with the man and share your feelings about the issue. See if you can come to a compromise where both of you feel comfortable.

January 4, 2006
2:15 pm
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Anonymous
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again, speaking for her, but it's my understanding that she wonders because she was raised with it, yet her mom was dysfunctional, so she doesn't know if it's normal or not.

I think many of us wonder what's "normal" once they find out they are codependent and have to start thinking a totally different way than how raised.

January 4, 2006
2:17 pm
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Lostrose
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Kathygy, I did ask him & when he was going to his brothers he would tell me. When I asked him when he was coming back his answer was I don't know. Then I would ask & he started saying when & where & he wouldn't be home when he said. Therfore, I gave up asking & worried all the time when he didn't come home.

January 4, 2006
2:19 pm
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Lostrose
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alicat that is exactly the way I feel. With mom being codependent I don't know what's normal & boy is it hard to change oneself from the way they were raised. BUT I'm learning & I feel better about it everyday.

Thanks to the both of you 🙂

January 4, 2006
7:47 pm
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bonni
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I agree that communicating this kind of information is courteous and responsible. My dh and I both commute and we always check in when we leave work and negotiate pick up of kids. You can't just not pick up kids or be routinely tardy in this.

If one of us goes out and leaves the other with the kids, we have to check in; i just don't see how it could be any other way.

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