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is anyone up? I'm having a horrible time I am so stupid
April 26, 2009
2:23 am
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April 26, 2009
2:49 am
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glittered when he walked
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I'm up Mz..barely. You aren't stupid. We all step in stuff that we think we shouldn't have. what's up?

April 26, 2009
9:22 am
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CAMER
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hi Ella....hope you are doing ok...do you want to talk.............and no you are NOT stupid!

April 26, 2009
4:48 pm
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Thank you both for writing, I couldn't keep my eyes open despite the anxiety... just wanted to have someone to talk to though... more trouble with the ex. I'm sorting it out...

Right now I"m escaping the heat and painting my apartment. Went out for a bit to do errands to distract. Maybe I'll go out tonight and take my dog out. I don't know.

I'm so mad at myself.

April 26, 2009
4:56 pm
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yes, taking the pooch out is a great idea.....so why are you so mad?? thinking about the ex???

April 26, 2009
11:58 pm
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Camer-

Well, I'm an idiot. Regardless of the fact that my intention was to come home from work (the day after my colonoscopy) and crash, since I was exhausted, I answered the phone and told my ex I would go out with him. He was really excited and called me hoping I would go to a concert with him.

He was there early so I agreed if he would come pick me up and we could take a bus or taxi there. (It's very close to where I live in the city). So then my sister and my friend were going out too, and I thought: hmmm, let me walk the dog and talk to my sister for a while. Which I did on my cell phone and I said "You know what? I'm an idiot. He's already at this Grateful Dead scene with thousands of people with drugs and young people who will do anything, and probably find him an amusing relic who can get them drugs (for a price), and whatever... do I really think he's gonna make it from point a to point b when he can't do that withOUT distractions?" So I told my sister F--- him, he's not coming, I gave him an hour and a 1/2 which he did not need because i had to wait for my friends anyway if I went out with them. So I left.

When I got home from dinner and the Village at 1:30 am I got this message on my machine which was left at 10:30 (three hours late) about how he's sorry and how we could hang out tomorrow (needless to say he didn't call today either)... blah blah blah, how he ran into some "obstacles" "too difficult to explain." Yeah. I bet.

I hate him. But what will I do if he calls? I don't know. I wish I was dead. I really do. I'm pathetic and a loser. I really wanted to just cut my wrists last night (I've done it a couple of times, obviously it doesn't work... so I stopped.) I wanted to get high MYSELF, but I don't have a connect anymore. Today I hate my life, but all I do is try and try and try to make it better.

Like the song, he is my Favorite Mistake and I can't give that MFr up. I hate it.

My sister is starting to feel bad for him. She is saying things like "Well, he called you back... three hours is NOTHING in junkie time. They NEVER call." Whatever. I know he is what he is, that's why I broke up with him. But in three years, I never got over him either.

I don't want anyone else. What gives?

Maybe I should just go live on the streets with this prick. And die. I hate myself.

April 27, 2009
12:29 am
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sdesigns
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Ella!!

Why are you mad at yourself?

He just showed you another reason why you split from him. He let you down, he didn't do what he said he would, he wasn't reliable or considerate.

THAT has nothing to do with YOU, its all about him and HIS flaws. He hasn't changed.

Maybe look at this as an opportunity to see once again why he is no good for you. You do NOT deserve to be treated like that.

You've come a long way, ella. Don't backtrack now, OK? YOU are not pathetic Nor are you a loser.

sd

April 27, 2009
1:04 am
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sdesigns-

Hi. I am so lonely and in so much pain. I really am taking a lot of pills tonight just to get out of it. Not for good, just to be unconcious. I hate my life and myself.

April 27, 2009
1:24 am
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ella- please be careful!!

I don't like the sound of you taking pills- I am very worried about you.

Ella, you know we've talked a lot thru the years and I can relate so much to what you write.

I'm lonely too, sometimes I get so down. I only have myself to rely on, I would really love to have someone in my life. But its got to be someone who will add to my life, not detract.

I hope you will see that just this little bit of contact with this guy has NOT done you any good. Look what is happening now. Hopefully you'll see that any form of entanglement with him does not add to your life.

I really wish I could do more for you, ella.

sd

April 27, 2009
2:03 am
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Not that many pills. Iknow how many to take... they are not even working.

i hate my life
i hate my life
i hate my life

and it's not jus tbecause of this
it's because i hate mylife that this happened

i wouldn't leave the house if i didn't have to

seeing everyone out there makes me sad
seeing people sadder than me makes me sad
seeing people happier than me just makes me mad
that i'm not better

i want to die and it's not because of this asshole guy, it's because i am so inept at putting together a life i love enough not to let someone that worthless effectme at all

no one can do anything but talk to me because i have done EVERYTHING and noting helps me get better so then i thought why not bother talking to this jerk if he calls, maybe i can hang out with him and go to the movies or for coffee which we did... now i wish i could just get some H from him and take it home and that's it. that's all he's good for anyway, sex and drugs. and now he's probably so diseased i wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole.

i'd still take the drugs though.

April 27, 2009
8:05 am
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fantas
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(((Ella))), You can't shake him because he is your addiction. Just like they say that an sober alcoholic is only a drink away from the gutter, it's t same with you. You are always a contact away from this emotional roller coaster he seems to cause in you. You need support and a day to day commitment of no contact. It isn't about whether or not he has changed, but whether or not you have. He is doing his thing without a care for you, and you have to decide when enough is enough. For one, you should block his number so he can't call you.

I do not think your sister is feeling sorry for him. She is feeling sad for your disappointment and grabbing at straws to make you feel better. After a while, even our dearest friends and family just don't know what to do or say to us.

I forget, do you attend Alanon/Naranon?

Hang in there!!!

April 27, 2009
10:50 am
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glittered when he walked
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((Mz))

whoa..lets take a timeout OK? We all make mistakes...it's OK...forgive yourself. We all F up...and sometimes our efforts don't make the smallest difference, but you may take pride in the effort. I urge you to keep trying to make your life as you want it - it's the nobelest thing there is..the repeated effort at making things work when bad times happen. Anyone can quit..but the effort at life is what makes one a winner...not the results or the conditions into which we are thrown.

You are winning.

April 27, 2009
1:14 pm
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Dear mzrella.
I havent read your threads before but when i saw the subject line, i decided that while im still in hell myself i can at least reach out to others who feel like cr*p.

I know you feel like you are worthless, how every day and every night is so hard that you'd rather just give up.

Two years ago i did just that, i gave up, i took some pills. Today, even though i still struggle, im happy im still here.
Every life is worth something, is worth everything. life can kick you in the ass, can hit you in the face and make you stumble and fall hard. But life is just trying to teach you.

This guy sounds like huge trouble. I was involved with an addict once and they are like... you know in my country we have a saying: sweeping the floor while the water is still running. they are like that. A relationship with them is exactly like that. Stop sweeping!! I know its SSOOOOOO HARD but dont answer his calls. Believe there's something better out there for you.

You can create your own life. Start with the other stuff maybe this will heal in time..

hugs,

Suzie

April 27, 2009
7:34 pm
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ella, how are you doing today?

sd

April 27, 2009
9:50 pm
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The pills ruined my day. I was out of it on a gorgeous sunshiny day off.

Got a pair of sneakers I've wanted for a while, some office supplies I needed, and...

went to my first CODA meeting.

Do I feel better? No.

But I'll keep going back and get some rest I guess.

April 27, 2009
10:28 pm
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ella, thats great you went to a coda mtg! I've never been to one.

And you bought some new sneakers? YAY, sometimes the little things we do for ourselves will help.

Baby steps, my friend.

sd

April 27, 2009
11:50 pm
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Yes, I feel good that I went.

And the sneakers were just an act of serendipity because I saw a more expensive kind on the net, but don't like buying things I can't try on via web and these were cheaper and cuter! I wore them and they make walking feel fantastic, which is amazing because I have heel problems.

Honestly, I don't remember the rest of the day. I woke up at 1pm, bought some fruit, walked the dog and went downtown for the meeting and office supplies. I don't know if I ate until now, I'm so out of it.

Thank you for writing.

April 27, 2009
11:52 pm
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(((fantas))),

Thanks for the hugs. As you may have read, I went to my first Coda meeting. I also need to attend NA (different matter). I used to have 7 years clean, well... 6 years white knuckling it.

My ex calls me from a different phone every time, sometimes I think it is my sister because she has an unlisted number. He is homeless.

April 27, 2009
11:57 pm
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(((glittered when he walked)))

Thank you for your beautiful and wise words.

" it's the nobelest thing there is..the repeated effort at making things work when bad times happen. Anyone can quit..but the effort at life is what makes one a winner...not the results or the conditions into which we are thrown."

That is the best thing I've heard in a long long time.

-e

April 28, 2009
12:00 am
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suzieQ-

Thank you for reaching out to me. Unfortunately for me, I don't always know if I will take the calls or not... it depends on my strength at the moment. That is what I am trying to build, strength and well being. To feel more solid. Maybe CODA will help me gain some tools, and also, writing here and owning up to what I do. Not to what he does wrong.

-e

April 28, 2009
12:05 am
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sdesigns-

Coda is good. I should have mentioned that even though I don't feel better, I feel good about having gone because I see how it must help people. I do plan on going back. It's a process, and there are steps for a reason.

I am the product of another fellowship. Even though I am sad right now, I am still ALIVE because of that fellowship. I recommend CODA or any 12 step for those who feel they need something, in addition to therapy, or in it's place if they can't afford it... or if you just want to try... what's the worst? That you think it's not for you? That's okay. But I didn't know either one until I went. I am the ultimate skeptic too.

Well, it took me seven years to get to CODA. I think it's a better fit for me than AlAnon... but I can't explain why exactly. Maybe it's just the timing for me.

Thanks for writing.

-e

April 28, 2009
12:07 am
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oh, and I burst into tears during my share. that seems to be what i "do" in the beginning... oh well.

April 28, 2009
12:27 pm
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Thank Mz.

Crying is like rain for the soul it seems. washes stuff away. a good cleaning. Just sometimes..we wish we had spot remover for those really stubborn items. ; )

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