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is anyone awake?
October 17, 2006
2:20 am
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ggfred4
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I really don't know where to begin, but I will try...this is the crap in the closet...hey, we can call it GG's Crap Closet:

my mom and dad are coming to town tomorrow; my dad is the one who, you know, my mom is so passive, yet sweet. My dad has colon cancer and can' have chemo now due to problems and I have such confusion of guilt, anger, etc. about his situation

I am having major surgery Nov. 30th and time is getting too close. I will be out of town at a specialist and found out my husband has to leave right after surgery and I will be alone for the first night and next day until he can get back...I am a wuss and scarey cat;;;I will admit to that...I am scared about the surgery too, but have no choice, so I know I need to get over that

We were hit by one of last year's hurricanes and still don't have a privacy fence back up and that scares me too when I am alone. We still don't have all the damage repaired, yet I know we are better off than some of our neighbors. That was one scary ordeal!

Going through empty nest syndrome badly...My outgoing child just moved in Aug. miss her so much...All of a sudden am dealing with this husband who loves me, yet doesn't show me affection at all. He has never said, I love you and I have received 3 kisses. We have been married for 26 1/2 years. He thinks sex says, "I love you". Bet you have heard that before. Well, we are struggling with our relationship because our focus was raising 4 kids and putting them first. We did not work on our relationship and now I feel that I am living with a companion not a husband.

Damn, I am on a roll now...
I have started really doing the coda 12 step program in the last week, by reading , going to meetings online, no face to face here (too shy anyway). So,I should be happy right? No,I am finding out many reasons why I can't stand myself. When I started here, I didn't even think I was codependent. No alcoholics around me or myself, but yet, as I am learning, I am major codependent. Well, here's a big worry. I got a sponsor, didn't think I needed one, but I did. I am already too dependent on her. I have done that with friends in the past, which is why I have few at all friends and they never call. I hate that about myself. I don't believe in myself, must have reassurance, and then great fear abandonment. I am probably going to frustrate the hell out of this sponsor and then I will fail.

Now I am having panic attacks about these issues.

Damn, this closet had more crap than I thought. I want to add that I don't really curse, but I have doing it lately and it feels good. sorry, if it offends anyone.

I think that is enough for now, sadly that is not all, but probably the major stuff.

Sorry so long, didn't expect this to come pouring out. Will you help me pick some of it up?

October 17, 2006
2:21 am
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mamacinnamon
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Kasiegirl... Hey babydoll. Have been wondering about you.
What's new? Oh, and you did not cause me to be on the site to much. Hubby fusses if I do anything that doesn't revolve around him. I just flip my hair at him and say "how bout that".

October 17, 2006
2:24 am
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kasie919
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Im just trying to hold on, o dont want to ruin gg's post, looks as if her closet is already full

October 17, 2006
2:25 am
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ggfred4
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army, please don't leave, I have never told you about me..

October 17, 2006
2:26 am
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ggfred4
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kasie, I have been following you, army, and scared a lot lately. Please don't leave me. It was hard for me to say all this stuff and I fear abandonment.

October 17, 2006
2:29 am
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kasie919
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GG dont get upset if she goes, she has to be safe,

I have never been in your situation, although ive got a 21 year old, and my 5 year old, i must be hard when its a empty next amd all you have is each other and its still rather numbing with no "ilove yous"

Im sorry you dealing wiht this, right before major surgery, do you have a sister, friend or someone who will be with you?

October 17, 2006
2:29 am
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mamacinnamon
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GG:

If he's yellin at her she needs to go. Don't want to set off the hurricane; you know that one. She'll be back.

Kasie... You hold on here and help GG out w/ her problems.

GG: On the mom and dad... Do you have room for them to have their own room/area? To calm your fears on your dad's cancer try out http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus Knowledge is power honey.

October 17, 2006
2:29 am
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armyleo
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sorry back - gg I will read - I didn't abandon you

October 17, 2006
2:31 am
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armyleo
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I'm sorry I got to go, gg I will talk tomorow... I'm sorry...Ugh!!

October 17, 2006
2:31 am
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ggfred4
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army, i understand, you do what is best for you...

Good thing mama, they are staying a hotel. All our bedrooms are upstairs and due their current health conditions, they can't stay here.

October 17, 2006
2:33 am
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kasie919
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GG:

Your not gonna fail, your doing the right thing, and sponser already know you need them thats why they are called sponsers..

i know part of what your saying about being needy, my threapist tells me that there is some underlying reason we havent found yet to why we feel that way, alhtough its abandonment issues, there is more to it, im just now trying to discover some of it, but i have the major drama to unfold first..

I will pray you will be ok,

at least you let it out of the closet...

look out for the dust bunnies

October 17, 2006
2:33 am
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ggfred4
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If you guys need to go, it is okay...Everyone needs their rest. I have to be up in 4 hours for work...and did this last night too...

October 17, 2006
2:34 am
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mamacinnamon
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Major surgery? Check out medline on that also. Knowledge is power and can relieve alot of your stress.

As for hubby. I'm sorry. Sad he doesn't know how much he is missing by bein distant. You remember that it is his problem not yours. His loss.

October 17, 2006
2:35 am
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ggfred4
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thanks mama

October 17, 2006
2:36 am
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lovinglife
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Amryangel- got tears in my eyes (((Amryangel)))

Before I read you post GG and respond (may take a bit as I don't want to rush through it and respond hastily) I have a quick story here about self-esteem and taking things personal...

Last night when I went into work, there was a nurse there I used to talk to quite a bit and we were all cool. Well I think she got word I have this crush on the same guy she has a crush on (crush is the only word I can come up with - we're both adults however!) ANYHOW... I think she has heard from others that I too think this one guy is hot ( and yes one again we both are adults -couldn't think of a better word other than hot -which is totally is.) ANYHOW...when I got to work last night she didn't say hi, didn't acknowledge me, at first of course my mind went to the negative like whatever..."I'm stupid, I should not have should anything, gosh I don't want her to hate me", and on and on. ANYHOW, I stopped myself within a minute...which before I wouldn't have and it would have wrecked my night completely. I thought for one thing she could be having a bad day- reason for her no acknowledgement of me, then I thought ok is she is pissed at me (again we're adults here but couldn't think of a better word)...so I thought, "Oh, well, I can think someone is hot, I can say that to others, I can like- I can have a crush on whoever I want, and if she has a problem then its her problem, not mine.”

Moral of my story here. I’ve grown enormously. The old me would have been beating myself up all night and taking her reaction to me totally personal in whatever way my mind could have come up with. Now the new me, told myself... whatever her problem is, its not mine, regardless even if it had something to do with me. I ending up not owning whatever was going on with her. It was so cool- I am so growing here!!

Ok GG- I’m going to read what you posted. I’ll be back.

October 17, 2006
2:36 am
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mamacinnamon
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Im still here if you want to continue.....

October 17, 2006
2:36 am
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ggfred4
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I am worried about the panic attacks; they happen instantaneously (did I spell that right, LL?) This year I had two severe ones, and almost committed suicide and the other time, began slicing my arm up with scissors. (sorry, so graphic)

October 17, 2006
2:38 am
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kasie919
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hey gg and mama,

can u see a little growth out of Army??

makes me feel good inside, she doesnt even know shes growin,

she came right back to us here, she knows where she can come and be safe..

You go my cyber sister!!

your spreadin those wings!!!

{{{{{ArmyAngel}}}}}

October 17, 2006
2:39 am
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lovinglife
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GG if you need to go to bed and you can - go. I'll have something for you to read in the am as a response. Take care of you. Just writing tonight may help you sleep. If you can crash out by all means go girl!!

October 17, 2006
2:39 am
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ggfred4
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I too have noticed army's growth and I am proud!!!

October 17, 2006
2:40 am
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ggfred4
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I am still not sleepy but I do need to try in about 20 minutes.

October 17, 2006
2:41 am
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mamacinnamon
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ok then...keep talkin

October 17, 2006
2:42 am
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ggfred4
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don't know what else to say, what are you thinking?

October 17, 2006
2:43 am
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lovinglife
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It may take me more than 20, I'll see what I can do but for sure have a reply before you get up...well, it all depends on how messy the closet is!!

If I don't talk to you again tonight-sleep well my friend.

Ok I have printed and starting to read. (((GG)))

October 17, 2006
2:44 am
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ggfred4
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thanks LL...this means so much for you to listen, yet i feel guilty for taking up your time. why, I do not know...

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