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is anyone awake? i'm trying to get into survival mode, but feel bleak
January 22, 2005
7:52 pm
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orangeboy
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i can't tell if i should try and be more angry with her for just ditching out or if i should call her and ask her to please just come sit with me. we have so much talking to do still. i just can't fucking believe that it's over. so many people all the time have said that we're an inspiration to them because of how amazing our romance has been. and we've both said that we don't want it to end, that we think that it could last forever and be the most amazing thing we've ever been through. but we've also acknowledged that we also have a potential for being really bad for each other, destroying each other. which is the point that i'm at right now, i feel sorta destroyed. totally obliterated. maybe i should just get in bed and take some herbs to make me sleep for the next 20 hours or so. watch movies and eat ice cream. i'm on such an emotional rollercoaster...

January 22, 2005
7:56 pm
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orangeboy
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if a relationship is only as strong as it's emotionally weakest partner, then i guess for now that makes it pretty well non-existant. we're both in hugely rough spots. damn. i'm sitting here clinging onto my life with my nails, and she can't even face herself 'cos she feels so broken. i've always been so honored and proud to be her boyfriend. i knew that she had made a sort of pact with herself to never hurt again like she did with her ex. and i'm the longest, most serious relationship that she's been in since him. oh hell, i can't do this anymore...

January 22, 2005
7:58 pm
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SweetAmanda
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I had a boyfriend who broke up with me because I'm 'too much work' (or something like that)

He said that if it really was real true love that we wouldn't have to 'work' on things. He didn't even want to 'deal' with going to see a counselor, hell I never asked him about that! lol Because he wouldn't even talk to ME about how he was feeling.

His loss.

To this day I don’t know if it was because he didn’t feel like trying... Or if he was scared... Maybe he wasn’t ready? Looking back I am sooo thankful that he broke my heart into a bazillion pieces. (Rather then than later)

January 23, 2005
9:11 am
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eternaloptimist
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Hi Orangeboy!

I started reading through your posts and believe me, I can totally relate to you and your situation.

My best advice is to back off totally, no matter how much you think talking to her more will help. That is part of our codependency...we think that by talking more about things we will make things better. In reality, non-codependent people just shut down and there is nothing that can be done or said to improve the situation.

I worked so hard on my relationship. I ended up marrying the girl thinking she was just going through a phase. In all of our talks I learned she wanted to have more space. I couldn't understand that because we didn't spend a whole lot of time together anyway. I think she fell out of Love with me because she learned after a while she could Love me as much as I Loved her (well, not in the same sense anyway).

I'm exactly like you, my friend. I am convinced that the more I do for a woman (gifts, affection, loyalty, all my free time, foot rubs!), the more she will want to be with me. It's a false sense of hope we have.

I am now going through a divorce after a 2 year courtship and a 2 year marriage. I should have listened to my heart a long time ago and realized this woman was not built to be with me forever. I lied to myself and convinced myself that I could "make" her that woman.

Leaving your girlfriend alone will be the test to see if she has what it takes. You will know in time. But understand that it takes time. As long as you keep contacting her and trying to do nice things for her, she will let you if that's what she needs at the time. She has tried to tell you she needs some space. Give it to her. Simply leave her alone. Don't call, e-mail, send a card, or stop by. Let her initiate the next contact.

As for not knowing how to be alone...I was there too, brother. I had always had someone in my life until now. It takes some time to adjust, but you learn to find that "masculine" side. I had the exact same thoughts you are having now about being on the feminine side. I am learning there is a time and place for that. It's a balance. You'll find it. Give yourself some time to be alone. You will learn some interesting things about yourself. It's actually pretty exciting!

Hang in there, and don't contact her for a while. See what happens.

Eternal

January 23, 2005
12:55 pm
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SweetAmanda
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twinks said: "My opinion at the moment (still learning, still growing up) is that it is desperation for validation, from any outside source, that gets people into hot water with relationships. The moment someone gives them the eye, they think of love"

YES! I have thought of that in my head... Didn't know how to put it into words! THANK YOU TWINKS!

Sometimes it's like "Ohh, he/she didn't scorn me when I opened myself up that *little* bit... They must be a person to be 'worshipped'". So I put people up on pedestals, and I think I am in love, or I get codependently involved with them. (Some even without them knowing)

orangeboy,

Read (and heed) the advice and wisdom of twinks and eternal. They have been through so much. Honestly, if you do what is right for you, (no matter how difficult that may be) I know you will be able to get through this.

You can make it. (((Hugs))) One Step At A Time.

~Amanda~

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