Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
is anyone awake? i'm trying to get into survival mode, but feel bleak
January 22, 2005
3:25 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hey is anybody around right now? i just went over to my girlfriend's house, she just started her period so i brought over some of her favorite ice cream, some tea, a heating pad and gave her a foot rub while we watched movies and laughed and had a really great time. as i left i had this nagging feeling that i needed to tell her that i'm thinking of this more as us taking a break from our relationship rather than thinking of it like there's nothing left. and she said that she felt like that would be an inaccurate way to describe our relationship. i felt that my whole world got blown to smithereens right then, so i just nodded and left. oh fucking hell how can this hurt so bad? i'm trying to be honest with myself. i'm trying to look at it how she is right now, to acknowledge the bad parts/times, of which there have been many rough ones. the thing is is that i tend to focus more on the good. i think that everytime things are good that we've worked through it and grown and she says that she doesn't feel like that...

January 22, 2005
3:38 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i guess that i need to vent for awhile. i just went to my first coda meeting before i went to her house, and felt okay about it. it's a very small group and i don't know, i just have issues with my masculinity and all i guess. i have troubles with it in the way that i don't cling onto "my manhood" the way that other guys seem to and, while i'd like to think of that as a really good thing, i often times end up censoring myself or feeling like i shouldn't be expressing my feelings this openly. i'm trying to take a good long hard look at myself, and be honest with myself at where i'm really coming from. the thing is, the core of it i guess is that i think that being in love, ferociously and passionately and truly and honestly is the thing that makes life worth living for, and i feel really attached to that sentiment and am concerned that going to coda and dealing with my codependency means trying to take that away. i think that there are ways to be in love and still have myself, and i think that i have learned how to do that more in this relationship than any other. she's been really good at calling me out on my behavior, and at helping me learn how to comfort myself and meet my own needs for myself. i don't know how to be single though. i don't have the slightest clue. i have so much fun making elaborate and romantic adventures and dates and presents, that to me is the best thing in the world that i could ever hope for. and though i've been in many relationships, with this one i honestly thought that i was through dating. i thought that i was through searching for "that someone" that i want to be with for the rest of my life. as we were watching a movie tonight some of the characters had been together for 25 years. and i looked at her and thought, that's what i want from this. i have unwavering faith in our ability to change and grow and get stronger and work things out. and that's what i thought we had been doing this whole time. i thought we were finally just getting to the best parts. we finally live in the same town, after our entire relationship of living between 1.5 and 12 hours apart. i feel like with her i felt full bodied joy for the first time. the first night that we spent together we were up all night, just kissing, giggling, cuddling and holding each other and nothing more. but as she fell asleep for about 3 minutes i looked at her and tried to memorize every aspect of that moment, for i have never felt joy like that in any other instance.

January 22, 2005
3:44 am
Avatar
aliconie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i just found this site are you still there orange boy?

January 22, 2005
4:01 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i have never felt that much attracted to someone before. for the first 8 months of our relationship we had sex every single time that we saw each other, and never once for less than 4 hours at a time. we were incredibly passionate, very much in love and spoke of such things as promising to make the rest of our lives a honeymoon, planned out the budget for our wedding, and even went to get a marriage license, but the place was closed that day. we have a list of names for a baby that we had once planned to have within the next 2-5 years. i just can't believe she's so through. just three weeks ago she took me home to meet her entire extended family, i got interviewed by her grandfather as to how i was going to "take care" of his granddaughter, her mom started calling me son and told me that she loved me. it was a ten hour drive and we held hands and cuddled and laughed and listened to our favorite cds and enjoyed how pretty everything was the entire time. i feel so confused. it's been confusing for so long though. she has always gone back and forth, saying that she wants to marry me and have my baby and all of that, but then later saying that she doesn't want to marry me right now. but then when i asked her if she just spoke of getting married with every boy she dates, she said no, that she's only said that to one other person, and that was the one that she was with for just under 7 years and engaged to. but when i tried to ask her to clarify her mixed messages she said that she feels awful when i call her out on when she says things that are contradictory to the hopeful and pleasant ones, even though she had said that she didn't want to marry me just as often (which i don't see as true) and that she felt like shit when i tried to call her out on that. when i asked her why she fell out of love with me, she said it was because she felt like she couldn't breathe, and yet since she told me that she's not in love with me anymore, she's been over at my house every day, and said more jealous things than i've ever heard her utter. like when she asked me where i got my new sweatshirt and i said that it was my ex-girlfriend's that i was borrowing, she told me to take it off. she was partly joking, but it's bizarre and confusing, and i wish that i didn't find solace in her jealousy. when i told her that someone had suggested that i try dating a single mom when i'm ready to date again, she said with a hurt face, "wasn't i family oriented enough for you?" or when i said that i wasn't going to date anyone again for a long time after her, she said, what about me? you're not through with me yet, are you? this stuff is driving me up the wall. i feel so hurt that she said that it wouldn't be accurate for me to view our relationship as just taking a break, but yet when i've asked her 4 times in trying to deal with this breakup, she said that yes, she would definitely be open to us trying to work things out/try it again at some point in the future. i'm so goddamned confused by her, and yet she thinks that she's being clear, even when she's said things like that she feels completely torn down the middle as to whether to marry me and move in together and have babies, or to move away to the middle of nowhere and never speak to me ever again. i also know that she's incredibly committed to punishing herself for something. she's said that sometimes she feels like she just wants to push everyone away and be mean to people so that they'll go away and she can prove to the world that the world is a truly awful place and that no one will ever really love her. sometimes i feel like she's trying to test my love. she wants me close, but not too close, and distant, but not too far away. and i've been aware of all of this wishiwashiness the entire time, but to her credit, i've always believed that it would work out and we would be together. we are so intimately connected, deeply i feel. and i know that she does too. she's told me that i'm pretty darn near perfect, that she's so lucky that i haven't left her. i just feel so angry and so devastated, and like i want to run away from her and not talk to her for so long 'cos it's so painful, but it's hard now, since we have a class together 5 days a week and own a (pretty hands-off, but still) business together. and now i live in the same town as her and only have one other friend here so far, and live by myself, so i feel lonely a lot. i'm trying to get inolved in other activities, i'm editing a book to be published very soon, i'm taking so many units in school that it's kind of unbelievable, and i'm going to start volunteering at an organization here in town. hopefully i'll start to make friends here soon, but she has been one of the best friends that i've ever had and it's so hard to feel her so far away now that she's finally so close...

January 22, 2005
4:02 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yeah i'm still here, rambling quite a bit, but i've got a lot to say right now. it feels good to talk it out...

January 22, 2005
4:11 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

the toughest part perhaps is that she's so incredibly depressed right now. she speaks often of suicide, of hating herself and of not knowing what she's doing with her life and feeling like it's all pointless. she says that she feels like she's disgusting and she hasn't wanted to have sex for months because she can't stand to see her body. a large part of it too i think is that she's just recently begun dealing with her past history of sexual physical and emotional abuse. it started resurfacing because a boy that she had dated in the past, who had raped her just died of a drug overdose a few months ago. i was with her when she got the call, and when i asked her to tell me about him, she said that he raped her, and she said later that that was the first time that she had ever allowed herself to admit that, even to herself.
later she said that some of my behaviors and patterns remind her of him and she feels sickened to feel that she's back in that place again of being in a relationship of that type. when i heard this i puked for a few weeks at a time. how could anything that i've done parallel actions of sexual assault? she was speaking more along the lines of manipulation, which i wasn't even aware that i was doing at the time. now i've begun to learn more what manipulation is and begun to admit to myself that i do do things with the intent of soliciting a certain response. and i'm learning to slow myself down and take an honest look at what my real motives are behind whatever i do or say. without meaning to discredit what she's said, i know that my actions have never been as severe as what i can make out of what that guy did. she even said that she honestly doesn't think that i've done it in any sort of knowing or intentional way, but that it still happens.

January 22, 2005
4:20 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i'm trying to be honest with myself here, as honest as i can be. and i know that every single relationship that i've ever been in i've said that i've never liked anyone as much as i liked them, or that i've never been so much in love with anyone before. but when i look back on it, i think that i can only honestly say that i was in love with a few of them, this one included. why am i so attached to this idea that i must be in love with someone and have it always be the most amazing wonderful thing ever, the one that i've been waiting for my whole life and nothing else matters? i dont understand how this keeps happening sadly enough. i'm such a good one. i'm really funny, i'm good looking, i'm romantic, i'm smart, i have a good life of my own, and i'm totally family oriented. i'm generous, i'm honest, i thought that all of these were things that girls wished for!! except that i guess that i don't know how to not come across as desperate. especially since i've struggled with depression and low self esteem for so long. the time that i felt my girl fall out of love with me was also the time that i ws so desperately suicidal that i couldn't stop crying and could hardly get out of bed. i was begging and pleading with her for her love and affection and to be held, which are also the things that she said that the ex who died used to do. but out of that experience i learned how to comfort myself, and i don't think that i'll ever beg or plead with her for anything ever again. although that's all i want to do right now is to beg and plead with her to stay. i want to throw myself at the feet of the universe and plead that i'll do anything if she'll fall in love with me again.

January 22, 2005
4:35 am
Avatar
aliconie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yeah, i just stumbled upon this site and it helps to know other people are struggling with the same kind of emotional pain as me

January 22, 2005
4:41 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

that's a really great insight twinks, thank you! do you think that there's a way for me to be close in her life...i think i just answered my own question again before i finished asking it. i guess that i have to stop trying to be close to her under the pretense of just wanting to be close to her, when what i really want from her is a relationship, and only be close to her if that is my sincere intention when that's what she's asking me for.

January 22, 2005
4:55 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

she's spoken a lot of feeling too fucked up to do anything, that she hasn't wanted a relationship because she's too fucked up. she's said that she thinks she really needs to go to therapy but she's too scared and gets sick to her stomach when she even thinks of the idea. she gets the same way about going to the doctor and when she gets like this, she can't deal with anyone being close to her. although it seems as though she's never been as close to anyone as she is with me and i know that she needs me right now, and perhaps that's a big part of what this codependency thing is all about. i read in codependent no more the part where we just want so desperately to be loved, but will settle for being needed, sheesh. that's me to a t right now. can i do that? can i really take care of myself and my feelings of hurt and abandon and rejection and be there to be supportive of her and not let myself get hurt? the shitty thing is is that i know that if i go away for awhile and don't talk to her or have anything to do with her she'll apologize and realize that this isn't what she wants to do. i really don't think that she wants to break up, just like i really don't think that she's not in love with me, though i'm trying to make myself believe it since that's what she says. she's said that she's terrified of being in a relationship because it means that she will have to be challenged and she can't deal with that right now. that she feels much stronger when she's on her own because she knows that she can just get by and not have to do anything differently. i care about her deeply as a human being, and feel immensely grateful to her for the ways taht we've shown each other to grow. we've been a major support in each other's lives, and i don't want that to change. i feel so confused by her, but at the same time when i start to write it all out like this i feel i have a fairly clear picture. she's said that i didn't do anything wrong, that it's not anything to do with me personally, that she loves me very much, that she just can't be in a relationship right now, but that if she did, she'd want it to be with me. i'm just scared now that she'll take that back later on...

January 22, 2005
4:56 pm
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hey twinks, sometimes i feel like i'm 497 and sometimes i feel like i'm 12. i'm somewhere in between. i'm having such a rough time. feeling like i've lost my mind. really. i feel bleak and confused and unable to pull myself out of it at the moment. i had sort of an epiphany last night that i feel worthless if i'm not in a relationship. i'm so mad at my girl! she just came over and we went out and then when we got back i started having a breakdown. i wasn't saying anything or asking for anything, i jsut got in bed and started crying and trying to dig my nails into life to hold on, to not go to a mental hospital, to not die, to remember that i have work to do on the planet. before i knew it i was in the bathroom puking and crying and as soon as i was able to calm down a bit i went into the living room to ask for help and she had vanished. no note, she didn't say anything, nada. and i sorta realized that i am there for her so much of the time and she's so rarely there for me emotionally. i think that's part of why she broke it off, 'cos she can't deal with getting close to someone, but i feel so hurt. i feel like i rarely need help like i need it today and she just took off. disappeared. and i felt like i couldn't ask for help anyways 'cos she'd make a judgment on me or get angry with me. i feel like my heart is just obliterated. damn.

January 22, 2005
5:06 pm
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i can't go to the hospital right now, i just finally started doing the project i've been dreaming about for years. and i don't want to lose it 'cos of some relationship. i feel like she's trying to take herself down and wants to save me from going down with her, but i'm losing it.

i think that it's a major problem that i feel worthless if i'm not in a relationship. i don't mean any offense to anyone here, i think it can be a great thing to make a choice to not be in one, but i have some deep sense of guilt, like it's a judgment call on me that i'm not yet married with kids. especially since out of my adoptive family i'm the only one who's not in a long term relationship. i just was and my mom was so proud of me. we had a misunderstanding once where she thought that my girlfriend and i had broken up and she became angry and disappointed with me. i blame myself for it too. i wish that i would have taken the time to work through my shit years ago, taken time to myself to really get to know myself and really heal from all of this, but i guess it's better late than never. i think i'm still having a hard time growing up. i'm in my mid/late 20's, and i know that i've still got a lot of good time left in my life, and that i'll have a wonderful relationship when i'm ready, i just am taking it as such a judgment on myself that i can't seem to make a relationship work out.

i feel desperate and suicidal right now. and i can recognize that a bit of it is because i want someone to take care of me. i feel currently like i don't know how i'll make it through this. and i keep trying to tell myself that i've been through this before and that i've always made it through, but right now i don't believe it. i don't want to continue not being able to eat, being indescribably lonely, feeling pathetic and drained and not wanting to get out of bed but when i don't only having nightmare after nightmare, waking up crying and tormented and feeling like i just wish that time would fucking pass. i wish i could fast forward through this, but i know that it's a growth spurt, and growth spurts always hurt.

January 22, 2005
5:14 pm
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i can't believe that she just took off. today and from our relationship, but it is also true that we've been having a shitty time off and on for awhile. even when i feel pretty good about myself and up and excited around my friends, i often end up crying as soon as i'm around her. i feel like shit about myself when she's there, so much of the time. i don't understand how more than half the time this feels like the most amazing thing i've ever been a part of and the rest of the time it parallels the abusive relationship that i was in.

yes twinks, i have noticed in looking back over the years that with every relationship i say that i've never liked someone so much, that i could picture us together for a long time, etc. i also have this constant nagging feeling of there being something that i want to be for myself that i'm not quite at yet. people have pointed it out to me before that i always say that i've never been in love like this before, but i haven't been able to admit that i do that, 'cos with every relationship it has been different and special. especially these last two. upon reflection after my other break-ups, i had known for a long time that they weren't going to work out, but stayed in them and did my best to make them work so that they could list me as the longest relationship that they had ever had. i don't know why i fel that that was so important. so that i would feel special? so that i would hold some title in their lives like a little trophy that i had won.

January 22, 2005
5:23 pm
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

another pattern is that i've been suicidal at the end of just about every breakup. it always hurts so much, especially after i've convinced myself that there has never been anythign better, and never will again. and with every relationship i get to know myself better, i take better care of myself, and am with people who treat me better and better. i grow a lot with every one. i just though with this one that we were growing so much together. often times i've thought to myself, "this right here is what a healthy relationship looks like, this is so good." i'm bad at letting go. i'm bad at distracting myself from hurt and pain, but i'm also bad at sitting with it. i've already caught myself switching back and forth between jotting lists of who i can date next and trying to figure out how i can get back with this one. it's pretty jacked, i can see that. and so much of it is because of my body issues too. i can't just go out and get laid or whatever like so many people do, 'cos i'm terrified. i have so many things up with my body that other people won't understand and might react badly to. i'm disabled in that my arms don't work too well and i have severe body pain most of the time, i'm covered in huge scars, andother things that i even feel embarrassed mentioning on an anonymous website, how could i mention them to a new partner? i guess i don't need to be thinking of that right now!! i know that i need to take some time to myself but it feels like sitting my naked ass on a burlap sack with real bad poison oak. uncomfortable and really itchy and swollen and red and painful. and like i can't sit still.

January 22, 2005
5:25 pm
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i wish that someone would respond, but i guess it's not so bad to have these conversations with myself. i'm figuring out a lot. it's like binging and purging my way through the hurt in my soul.

January 22, 2005
6:03 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi orangeboy..looks like you need to build some of that self esteem back up...remember, there is someone out there for you, someone who will see YOU for you and not focus on the qualities you may think they notice about you, that you see.
Do you plan on going back to your coda meeting again?? and yes, venting is good, it gets rid of all that pent up energy and releases your true feelings, so keep coming back!

January 22, 2005
6:14 pm
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i just can't believe that she gave up on me, on us, on our dreamy relationship. mainly 'cos she says that she thinks i'm so great and that she can't bear the thought of not being close to me, that she's still incredibly attracted to me, that we have a lot of fun together. she's been coming over to my house every day, often bringing me gifts and always making plans with me. i just so miss the days when she would put her arms around me and we would just walk wherever we were going like that. it was hard for us to keep our hands off of each other and we were always sneaking off to have sex. often in public places, in bookstores, in restaurants, in restrooms, in the woods, everywhere. she would tell me that i was perfect. she would tell me everything i've always longed to hear. is she breaking up with me because she needs to be able to take care of herself or because she's not into me, or what? both? i don't see how i can stop being in love with her, and i'm mad at myself for it. i don't want to follow her around like a pathetic little lovesick puppy forever, but at the same time i can't imagine ever thinking that anyone was hotter, more adorable more brilliant or more loveable than she. she used to make me such amazing gifts, and she still talks of taking me on adventure dates and such. how do i set boundaries in a case like this? how do i not start crying when i feel like we almost kiss and don't...

January 22, 2005
6:21 pm
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i feel out of my mind right now. not sure what is me and what is this craziness i feel. should i just completely shun her for awhile? is that what it means to not be a sacrificial lamb? heh, that's such a funny thought! but it's true, i've tried so hard in my life to force myself into that role. when i was deeply suicidal as a kid i read the bible a lot and took the words of jesus to lose yourself in the service of others is to truly find yourself a little too seriously. i wrote about that over and over again in my 14 year old journals, saying that i hated myself and loved everyone else and that that was all i was good for was loving others and not myself. i feel sorta like the incredible huld right now. like this monster that's grasping onto me is trying to escape, i'm trying to push it out, but it's clasping on with all it's might. and that's this fuzzy fogginess taking over my mind currently. i feel drugged, but i'm not. actually, i think i might have accidentally thrown up my psyche meds this morning. when will it stop hurting?

January 22, 2005
6:50 pm
Avatar
SweetAmanda
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi orangeboy

you still online? what's up? give me a few moments to read your posts...

January 22, 2005
7:15 pm
Avatar
SweetAmanda
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

orangeboy,

I am about halfway through reading your posts. I will continue. I just wanted to check and see if you had posted anything new. =)

You are VERY articulate. I understand all of your so-called 'ramblings'...

My first inclination whenever I read a guy's post on here is to hate the girl that he is posting about. I guess the same goes for a girl's post... My first inclination would be to hate the guy that she is posting about. lol

It really is one-sided information though.

Plus, I have to keep reminding myself that I have a problem with being a 'people-hater'. lol I hate girls because they remind me of me, and I hate men because they hurt the girls that remind me of me! Confusing, isn't it? 😉

Anyways, why I said all that is because I started reading your posts with the mind-set that I was going to dis-like your (ex) girlfriend.

On the contrary, she sounds much like me!

No wonder you love her.

No wonder you are in such pain.

Maybe you two aren't right for eachother? Maybe you are? I don't know. I read that "A relationship is only as strong as its emotionally weakest partner".

Is your (ex) girlfriend in any counseling or on any medications? I think both of those things would really help her. And then maybe if you went to couples counseling as well. If you both want to try and work things out it should work... Right?

So ask her point blank if she wants to try. Maybe write down what you will consider 'trying' on her part. And on yours.

If she will not commit to that, are you willing to stay in the 'relationship' you are in right now, the way it is now?

Or will you choose to walk away?

You need to make that decision before she says yes or no. (Or is wishy-washy) That way it won't be ruled by emotions.

...Back to your posts...

~Amanda~

January 22, 2005
7:27 pm
Avatar
SweetAmanda
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

orangeboy

My heart really goes out to you. ((((((((((Gentle Hugs))))))))))

I read your last post... The one right before mine. I used to feel the same way.

I hope you didn't give up on Jesus altogether, did you?

So how long have you been with this girl?

It does seem like you have a very passionate romantic relationship... But maybe that isn't enough. Maybe you are feeling deeper for her than she is for you? If that is the case, you cannot change the way she feels.

*Shrugs* Enjoy what you had while you had it.

January 22, 2005
7:30 pm
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hey sweet amanda. yep, i'm still here. life's a doozy right now. she's no longer willing to try and work things out. she said a few times that once we've figured out how to relate to each other in a good way she'd be more than willing to try it again, but when i said that i'm trying to think of it more as us taking a break, she said that that feels like an inaccurate way to describe what's going on. plus whenever we've tried to do more work on the relationship, she says that she's sick of processing, that she doesn't recall being in a relationship that was this hard, which i feel is discounting a lot of the great/wonderful/amazing parts. she's not going to therapy or taking anti-depressants, she can't even bear the thought. she has said that she wants to get on anti-depressants, but she doesn't have health coverage and can't deal with going to the doctor. she's also said that she just can't deal with being in a relationship 'cos it forces her to learn and grow and she can't deal with growth right now. she's too hurt and broken, she says that she feels like a shard of glass...

January 22, 2005
7:38 pm
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i just don't know how to let it go. i was so blocked off at the beginning. swore it was going to be a mostly casual thing, but after awhile of building up trust and her sorta pushing for me to be closer to her, i let go. i got closer to her than i've ever been to anyone and i did so because i felt safe to do so. she's shared so much more with me than she ever has with anyone, despite many sex partners, i was the first person she ever had an orgasm with. we've done exercises to be able to meet up and have fun in our dreams together, we did that while we were long distance, and we used to call each other and have bathtub phone dates. i hate feeling so distant from her, even though she's closer in mileage than she's ever been. it's true that she fell out of love with me just as i was falling more and more deeply in love with her all the time. i don't know how to let it go without letting so much of me go. we've both sorta thought at times that perhaps we were soul mates, or at least pretty deeply connected in our souls 'cos of different things that we've shared. sometimes we can send each other messages just by thinking them and concentrating. i just miss her so much.

January 22, 2005
7:42 pm
Avatar
SweetAmanda
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Heh, me again. =)

You said:

"when will it stop hurting?"

I was going to tell you that sometimes, it never does.

I am a firm believer in "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction." I think that every single thing we do, every decision we make affects all aspects of our lives in some way. And we are never the same again because of it. That's pain, that's hurt.

You also said:

"i'm bad at letting go. i'm bad at distracting myself from hurt and pain, but i'm also bad at sitting with it"

Letting go IS hard. But if you can let go, and live to tell about it, you have succeeded.

To sit with pain-Who wants to? I want to know when it's going to be over! But again, I think that just being able to 'sit' with it even if you do squirm... (lol who likes pain anyways?) Will make you stronger.

January 22, 2005
7:45 pm
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

she said that she fell out of love with me because she felt like she couldn't breathe. she used to send me so many love notes. i feel like i just want to call her right now and ask her to come over and just be my friend. be a good friend to me right now and offer me support, though i know it's hard for her right now too. i just feel so bleak and messed up and desperate. i feel like i kinda know already that she won't come through for me though. even though she's been really pushing the friend thing. coming over and calling me every day. bringing me presents and saying that she'd die if i ever hated her. man, i feel like i'd be willing to make a deal with the devil right now if i could just have our magic back. it was the best thing i've ever known...

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
30
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714257
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information