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Introducing my story
March 30, 2010
11:57 pm
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OIMBroken
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I have recently become painfully aware that I am a completely text book codependent person. I may ramble on please forgive me for this, I just really need to get this out. Thank you. I am in my early 30's and a recent break up has opened my eyes to the realizaion that the life I have been living (I use living lightly) has not been one for myself but one to serve the wants of certain family members. These family members have from a very early point in my life used forms of abuse to keep me submissive and under thumb so that I wll continue to be subservant to their wants and needs. Over the last month or so with much intraspection I have zeroed in on the time my emotional growth was stunted. I believe this to be my first battle of many I must fight to regain the person I was supposed to develope into. I still struggle with constantly rationalizing reasons not to take the much needed steps to break the chains that keep me in that cycle. I am very fortunate that I found this site and look forward to the support and advice I know I will get here. I will be sure to post much more on my progess and areas that I am having trouble with and need assistance and assurances on. So more about me. I have learned that I am great at making people believe things are going great and that all will be fine when in actuallity I am emotionally falling. I realy dont have any true friends, many aquantinces but nobody to really talk to about my issues, the only person I can and have talked to is my ex girl friend, and that was only after our break up. My inabillity to talk to her about my issues (which I was unaware I had at the time) is what drove a wedge between us. She is very supportive a lot of the time however we keep falling into similar routines, we spend a lot of time together text all the time and spend nights together. We both have very deep feelings for each other and when she feels nastolgic about what we were and how good the good was she pulls away verbally and her words can be harsh and cutting this hurts what I am trying to accomplish (healing myself). I believe she does this because this is not the first time these issues have arised for her, I took her to meet my brother and he pulled her aside and told her things about me and situations I was put through, and with my denile of things and the want to keep the status quo and my ability to sling the bull I was able to convince her my brother was just confused I don't want to lose her and I think it is mainly because she is the only person I can truely speak to about my issues (more rationalizing?) since she too was an abused child, yet somewere in my mind I think if I keep contact with her I won't lose the woman I am soo madly in love with. She has helped me see much of the scars I have and has guided me toward books that have proven helpful. A major concern she and I both have is if I continue to accept her help in getting me healthy, does that undermine my strength I gather by being able to claw my way out of this codependent cycle

March 31, 2010
8:58 am
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StronginHim77
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It is time for your to address your own recovery by taking steps for yourself. I would strongly suggest private therapy/counseling, if you can manage it. You have many serious issues which justify some intense work with a qualified professional.

Your gf does not sound very healthy. At this point you might be better off being on your own and not dating anyone, since any bond you form will tend to be with someone equally damaged. My doctor taught me this: "Healthy attracts healthy; damaged attracts damaged." So, he encouraged me to step back from ALL dating, until I was healthier, in order to attract a healthier, less toxic partner.

Do keep posting. There are some great people on here who can probably relate better to your situation than this old lady.

- Ma Strong

March 31, 2010
9:10 am
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curious64
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Broken - Ma Strong is a very good person to listen to on this site. She has been down the road and she can give you some great things to do and think about.

It sounds liks she is right that you may need to seek some professional counseling to help get you started on the road to recovery.

You need to focus on yourself right now and your mental/emotional health. For us codies that sounds selfish and hard at first, but with practice it gets easier and is well worth the effort.

Welcome to AAC. Keep posting, keep reading. ((((HUGS))))

March 31, 2010
10:55 am
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OIMBroken
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Thank you Ma and Curious

I am seeking out a qualified therapist, I have read that since most people have some degree of codependency to be very careful in selecting a therapist, and to find one that has delt with their own issues of co-d.

Ma, you are right about the ex, she is damaged aswell. Yet she has gone thru many years of her own intense therapy, which in some way I think hurts my healing and growth. I believe she misses the gravity of my situation, maybe since she learned to listen to that inner voice she misses the fact that not all people have that ability to recognize it. Hearing and heeding the warnings that voice gives you has become old hat for her and she doesn't seem to understand the destructive power of being able to rationalize everything.

It is funny that you would say that healthy attracts healthy, as I have said she and I text a lot(this morning was no different)and that is somewhat what we had talked about. She is still trying to pull away, oddly however, she still tells me she loves, cares for, and misses me. She tells me spending time together is like eating one dorito and not having the ability to get the whole bag, you get a taste but then are upset because you know that is all you are getting, so why did you bother.

I do think that she is a very helpful person to have around me during this time of self discovery, but I am probably rationalizing again, but since all my friendships are superficial she is the only person I feel I can spill everything to and not get judged. So with that being said and knowing that I want to be back in her embrace I ask you how do I draw the line, wrestle down those feelings and put her out of my mind and do the work on me by myself?

March 31, 2010
6:31 pm
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LouWho
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Being selective about getting a therapist is fine, but it ain't feeding the bulldog right now.

1. Get into a Codependent Anonymous group, even if you have difficulty with 12 step programs, you need a framework to work within right now. The group is not for everyone, but it will give you some direction of what you need to be doing. Go to at least 6 meetings, it will show you basically what needs to be done.

2. Get on amazon or go to book store and buy "Men who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Do it today.

3. Read the book.

4. Rinse, Lather and Repeat.

5. When you are completely certain you understand it, read it again.

6. At a coda meeting, ask for a referal to a therapist who is good with codies.

7. Tell your ex gf that you are on a journey and will catch up with her in a few weeks. Then commit to a complete disconnect from her while you begin working on you. This will allow you to put the focus where it needs to be, on you; not her, not the relationship. This is not easy, but in your case, it may be essential.

Listen to Ma, she is very gently telling you something you need to hear, but don't want to listen to. X GF the last person you need to be around right now. Only you can take this ride, one per car.

Keep posting, it helps. Good luck and remember you are not alone.

April 1, 2010
12:46 am
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OIMBroken
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Thanks Lou,

April 1, 2010
12:46 am
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OIMBroken
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Thanks Lou,

April 1, 2010
1:38 am
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OIMBroken
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Thanks Lou,

Wow, you are speaking my language! Also thank you for the book recommendation I will be picking up a copy today. I have found a coda meeting about an hour away and will be going to that this Saturday unfortunatly they only meet once a week, so any other goods reads you may think could help please let me know.

I am actually writing this with quite a heavy heart at the moment, with regards to the xg/f she basically took care of the lets not talk for a while part. Which was a complete shock since we had an amazing weekend. She had her kids this weekend and I stayed there at the house until monday evening. The weather is getting soo nice she and I went and bought a huge grill and found a dinning room table she had been looking for for soo long and we painted and set up the dinning room, the last room in the house we had yet to get to. It was soo much fun to be with her laughing and horsing around and to see pure joy in her eyes again. So after I made dinner and we did the dishes I knew it was time to leave, I had taken up her entire weekend and then some, as I was walking away she shot me the don't go eyes and the pouty bottom lip over top lip look. I kept on walking (I know I shocked myself) but I did that knowing in my heart that that was going to save our friendship. We had a few pleasent texts during my drive home and then BLAM!! out of nowhere that "lets not see each other for awhile". I guess I should be thankful but can't seem to shake the enormous feeling of loss. She truely has become my best friend.

Regarding Ma's words I hear the points she makes I really do, however I tend to respond better to the in your face approach right now, since I can't get out of my own head in trying to make everything seem to fit and deny there is even a problem to address. I hope she continues to follow my progress and post on it and I hope you do as well.

I didn't really say too much, yet I feel a little better about things and the direction I know I have to go. Posting really does seem to help in a sort of getting things off your chest kinda way.

Again I want to thank you for the directness of your words. It seems that my eyes don't fully open until some dratic catastrophy happens or someone grabs me by the ears and screams in my face "dude you got a problem!!" So thanks.

April 1, 2010
1:41 am
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OIMBroken
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ooops sorry about those two previous thanks Lous' not sure how that happened musta been the cat when I went out to grab a smoke.

April 1, 2010
10:49 pm
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chelonia mydas
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OIMBroken, Ma Strong, Curious, LouWho
and all ACC folks,

You are invited to an open house on the Coffeehouse thread.

We are inviting all ACC members to join us at the coffeehouse this weekend. The Coffeehouse thread is a unique cyber-place to find acceptance and unconditional friendship. A place where anything is possible because everyone who posts contributes to creating this special refuge for everyone to visit and take a moment away from the stresses of our lives. Everyone is encouraged to add to it, all you have to do is stop by and post whatever you want. The only request is that the Coffeehouse be kept a positive and accepting place. Many people write about/create a comfy place or bring a favorite dessert, meal or beverage to share. Sometimes people will share a favorite story or describe a place they would like to visit or have traveled to.

In recent weeks there have only been a few of us posting. This thread is for everyone to enjoy, which is why we are inviting you. We hope to see you there.

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