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Intervention or Interfering?
April 12, 2004
5:00 pm
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itsme2
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Made a typo. It's Intervention OR Interfering? My email went into cyberspace, so here goes again? Should a person's spouse know of the 10-12 person intervention? Scenario is a 34 year old, married 18 months, whose family did not approve of the husband during dating or marriage and they want to keep him in the dark.

April 12, 2004
7:12 pm
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Zinnie
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Intervention of what?

April 13, 2004
10:03 am
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itsme2
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I'm sorry. I'm definitely new t this site. The term "intervention" was used in confronting a daughter about her obvious abuse of alcohol. It's affecting her family life, but her mother and sister do not want to notify her husband before doing this. It's my opinion that husband and daughter should be approached before the extensive "intervention" by 10-12 others.

April 13, 2004
10:27 am
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Zinnie
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Is the husband an alcoholic?

April 13, 2004
10:48 am
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itsme2
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I do not know this for a fact. Just hearsay by his mother-in-law that he drinks beer every night, but mom-in-law doens't go over there each night and I suppose this is just hearsay also. The daughter, I'll call "D" has been married 18 months and dated this fellow six years prior. Mom-in-law's reason for keeping him in the dark is she is afraid he'll let it slip that the intervention is planned.

April 13, 2004
10:52 am
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Zinnie
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If the husband is not on board, than that almost guarantee's that the intevention will not be successful. She will have an ally in him for many reasons, first and foremost the family does not like or accept him already - and more than likely he will side with her.

This is dangerous ground they are walking on... because also where are they planning on doing this intervention? If they are hoping to do it at her home, and the husband is not on board - he can legally tell them all to leave his house or he can call the police.

April 13, 2004
10:52 am
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itsme2
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This was the second posting. It was placed in the "Intervention Of Interfering" thread. My email went into cyberspace, so here goes again? Should a person's spouse know of the 10-12 person intervention? Scenario is a 34 year old, married 18 months, whose family did not approve of the husband during dating or marriage and they want to keep him in the dark.

April 13, 2004
10:55 am
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Zinnie
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If they really want it to work, they need to get the husband on board.

They are almost ensuring failure by not doing so.

April 13, 2004
10:59 am
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Has the mother in law had some guidance on doing interventions? They have books and they have people who specialize in helping families and friends intervene. Unless done correctly the person who is the "alcoholic" will become defensive and it will turn into a finger pointing game. If the alcoholic does not have the support of her husband, due to the fact that he was kept in the dark then in my opinion it is going to turn into a huge war and will not be very successful. I am basing my information on the fact that my husband is an alcoholic and we did several interventions and they did not work. Perhaps the mother in law needs to talk to the husband face to face, and stress the importance of doing the intervention and that she really needs his help and needs to keep the information in confidense. It is very important to use I statements and not envoke a feeling of defensiveness. He is now in a great outpatient intensive therapy program. They employ people to help with intervening and they are licensed counselors who specialize in this. Just my opinion and I hope that it helped a little.

April 13, 2004
11:02 am
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Zinnie
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Hi ZP,

Exactly - just what I was saying above, however explained a lot better. Thanks.

Also, is the Mother hoping that this will somehow break up the marriage? If that is her hope, again, she is going to push them together even more so.

April 13, 2004
11:07 am
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itsme2
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They are planning on doing this intervention at her mother's house, whom she lived with for a number of years with a daughter. At which point is this not considered interfering with their marriage? It appears to be undermining their marriage, which seems to be of no no bother to mom-in-law, sister or father of "D", who has remarried.

April 13, 2004
11:10 am
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zuzuspetals
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Zinnie our posts must have hit at the same time, when I posted there were only 5 posts. Good minds...

I agree with you about what this mil is trying to do to their marriage. Break it up. My family constantly went behind my back telling my husband what a creep he was to drink and blah blah blah. I stopped talking to my family for a few months because of it. And it made my loyalty to him even stronger. Both parties in my case including myself were sick, alcoholic and the co dependents. It is all about how you present it. Good luck.

April 13, 2004
11:19 am
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itsme2
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Thanks, guys. I'll be back I'm sure and I'll keep you posted and have more questions I'm sure. I feel like someone has told me they are going to rob a bank and I know it's wrong, however I can't do anything about it because I will betray their confidence.

April 13, 2004
11:25 am
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itsme2
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Another thought, they are thinking about bringing the husband on board the day of or day before the intervention. They are planning on having admittance to a hospital in place, childcare for her daughter, etc.

Another question: If they talk to the alcoholic's employer and they choose not to go for treatment, does the alcoholic usually go back to his/her job or is the alcoholic embarrassed and withdraws from their responsibilities?

April 13, 2004
1:35 pm
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Zinnie
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If they are here in the U.S., legally if she goes to a treatment center the employer has to hold their job for 13 weeks under FMLA.

However, considering she is married - the center might not even consider doing the intervention if they know she is married and that the husband is not one of the ones who is the main coordinator.

They have far overstepped their bounds in doing this, especially in contacting the employer and having child care set up. If they were this worried about her before, she has only been married for 18 months - they had plenty of time to do this previously.

Now, I'm not sure on the legalities of this, but I do know that a spouse's rights will usually over-ride a parents wishes. Case in point - when my daughter was killed, the hospital asked if we would donate organs. As her parents, we had one thought - her husband had another, and it was her husband's wishes that were honored.

Z.

April 13, 2004
1:41 pm
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itsme2
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Sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. I do understand where you're coming from at this point. My problem is how do I support my husband's decision even though I feel it's wrong to not have a heart-to-heart talk with alcoholic and hubby before the major intervention and at least give them a chance to realize problems and perhaps do something positive about them? They are planning on the intervention in about 3 weeks. Just talked with the mil and she wants the marriage to dissolve, no supposition about it.

April 13, 2004
1:51 pm
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Zinnie
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Perhaps let your husband know what you have learned here.

Is this your husband's sister?

Thank you for your sympathy.

April 13, 2004
4:22 pm
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itsme2
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No, it's his daughter.

April 13, 2004
9:45 pm
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Zinnie
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Wow... what does your husband think? I'm sure he wants to help his daughter, but he is walking the thin line of alienation. Perhaps Al-Anon for now until she is ready to get help. I don't know, without having the husband on board - they are risking losing her forever.

April 16, 2004
11:01 am
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itsme2
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Good news, I think anyway. Mother talked with her pastor and he recommended talking to the alcoholic before the major intervention is done. I personally that was the thing to do because it shows a great deal of respect of another. My husband agreed with this, however, I still think the alcoholic's husband should be brought on board. The interventionist also suggested that the alcoholic's husband and dauther be informed as early on as possible so they bother would have a full understanding. We'll see.

April 26, 2004
10:21 pm
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Mother had talk and alcoholic was very receptive to going to AA meetings and acknowledged she had the problem for 13 years. We'll see.

April 26, 2004
10:57 pm
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Zinnie
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Good.

This way is far better than what they were planning. By her talking and admitting she needs help, hopefully it will also mean that she will take a positive step toward sobriety. Versus being pushed into it, and not honestly being ready to get sober.

Good luck,

Zinnie

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