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Internet dating
March 7, 2006
11:21 pm
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sdesigns
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So... I met this guy on the internet. Met him last week for a drink. Now he wants to cook me dinner at his house. I told him I am not comfortable spending an evening at his house yet. So this is what he emails to me tonight:

"Thanks for sharing with me your thoughts on us and your feelings about me. I see no problem in spending time at my home based on circumstances. Ex. Making dinner for us. I can't make it any place else so that is my dilemma. I am not adverse to doing other things but the weather isn't all that conducive. We can go to the movies or you can offer up suggestions of your own. Why do you feel uncomfortable in my home? Remember you are 50 and me 60 so what are your concerns? You have traveled all around the world and (.....) makes you uncomfortable???? I will purchase some pink Flamingos if that makes you feel more at home in (......) or in some far away country. How can we travel together if you are uncomfortable???? Relax and lets us have some fun and time will cure all ills."

For one thing, we are in So Cal, so we are not exactly snowed in. Plus, I want a man to take me out in the beginning stages, not immediately be going to his house. He is not poor, so I know he can afford to take me out.

I think his wording is insulting, and he doesn't understand my point at all. I have no reason to trust him yet and don't want to put myself in a situation that doesn't fit with the status of our relationship.

I think I am going to tell him this isn't going to be a go. This is just too much drama for the beginning of a relationship. We havent' even been on a real date yet. Sheesh.

What do you think? Am I being difficult?

SD

March 7, 2006
11:57 pm
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blyxx
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He may feel insulted. That could explain the insulting tone you get from his e-mail.

Perhaps re-explain your feelings about going to his house.

To me, this was fitting:

"I have no reason to trust him yet and don't want to put myself in a situation that doesn't fit with the status of our relationship."

Albeit you may not want to say, anything about trust in there, but you do understand what I am saying.

I do not see you being difficult at all.

March 8, 2006
1:52 am
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sewunique
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Sd

I read his email and it does not make me feel comfortable. An't tell you why though. I just cannot get a handle on it. He ssems to be swaying from your reasons though. Is he a smooth talker?

Then again, it may be it is late as I just got off of second shift from work.

What he says and how he says it just is bothersome. So what if you are
50 and he 60? They seem (men here) at that age seem to be more desparate here and look for women as their caretakers. (I am in a major retirement area in so. Florida)

I am looking forward to other's insight into this for you.

Sew

March 8, 2006
1:55 am
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sewunique
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PS:

How can we travel together if you are uncomfortable???? Relax and lets us have some fun and time will cure all ills."

SD, have you agreed to this or talked about this idea? Or is he assuming that this is to happen?

March 8, 2006
10:13 am
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bonita1
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sd,

go with your gut. you are under no obligation to this man and he is wrong for trying to pressure you. You don't owe him anything. Stick to your own instincts.

~~bonita

March 8, 2006
10:17 am
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CAMER
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i agree with above posting, you'll get different answers from everyone...main thing is is that YOU don't feel comfortable with this man, and that's all that counts...again,
go with your gut on this!

March 8, 2006
10:24 am
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whidbey
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Yep, I agree with the gut feeling. Don't we all wish we had paid attention to it in the past? Hey, my ex-N is 61 (not saying this guy is), and he is King of NPDs. Age has nothing to do with it, except that they get better and better at what they do (again, not saying he is N or anything else).

What I find a little disconcerting is that he is already downplaying your feelings and disregarding them to an extent. It shouldn't matter WHAT your reasons are for not wanting to go over so soon. If you've said you are uncomfortable with it, then he should respect that and not try to change the way you feel, ESPECIALLY if you two haven't even gone out on a date yet. Just my humble opinion...

March 8, 2006
10:27 am
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nirvana
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Hi SD

It looks to me like the reason he's inviting you to his house for a meal is because he wants to manoevre you into the bedroom. This would also explain his offhand response - he's obviously not happy that his little plan didn't work and is trying to pressurize you to agree. If you are not eager, let alone comfortable, to head in the direction of his bedroom, then please don't. It doesn't bode well for the relationship if he's starting to pressurize you already -ou owe yourself better treatment than this.

March 8, 2006
10:34 am
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Yea just tell him that you dont feel comfortable at this point and that doesnt mean you'll feel the same later. He doesnt have to take it personally. Everyone has their own comfort levels.

After you tell him this, if he's ok, he should be OK with it and give you your space and time to be comfortable. I feel I could be him though. He sounds desperate and lonely.

March 8, 2006
10:43 am
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I agree with your gut instinct, SD. His words WERE a bit insulting, as he seems to be "making fun" of your feelings. Remember, you have every right to FEEL, and he should accept that instead of trying to discount them or make you feel stupid for it. I don't like the way he did that, so if I were you, I'd go with my gut on this one!

You are NOT being difficult. Just taking care of yourself first, which is exactly what you are supposed to do! Kudos!

Love, plz~

March 8, 2006
11:08 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Sew: Yes, he is a smooth talker. He's funny, charming, attractive, etc. This in itself bothers me- been there, done that. I enjoy foreign travel and would love to find someone to travel with, although I didn't express that to him. I think he is interested in travelling as well, although he hasn't done much. I'm wondering if he is holding this out as a carrot to spark my interest. He has told me that he has taken other women on cruises.

Although he is 60, he doesn't look it all. In fact, he's quite buff. Has a nice full head of black hair, nice body, dresses well.

The way he responded to my issues doesn't seem clear. I don't understand his reasoning. Its not the location of his house that bothers me- its going to the house itself. He lives in a nice area and is close by.

Another thing is that he is interested in my professional services at his home, but I think he is looking for free services in exchange for a home cooked meal. So in that sense, I feel like he is trying to use me. I also suspect he is looking for some other free services (wink, wink) as well.

Bon Bon: You are exactly right. I feel pressured. I feel uneasy. So far there has been a lot of emotion and drama and we aren't even in a relationship yet. He is of middle eastern decent although American born, and maybe this is a cultural thing. I don't know.

Camer: My gut says rough waters ahead. Before my last bf, and before the wonderful education I have gotten here at AAC, I would think this is exciting. Now I'm looking at the crystal ball and saying "Uh oh."

Whidbey: You're exactly right. I feel I am being disregarded at the get go. What is bothersome is that "dating" means a man takes a woman out, or at least that is what I want out of it. After getting to know each other a bit and if there is an attraction, it can go further. I feel like this guy is old enough (not in his 20's) to know that. He can afford to take me aout, its not like when I was young and the guys were broke and I would do anything just to spend time with them. I don't need to settle for that anymore.

The other guy I have been dating has been doing everything right- first meet for lunch, then dinner on the weekend, a little kiss good night. He's been a real gentleman, but is boring as dirt. This one is quite the opposite.

Is it wrong to exepect a man to make a little effort to make me feel comfortable to win me over? Just because I am 50 doesn't mean I am desperate to have a man's attention. Doesn't mean I'm going to go to his house when he is practically a stranger and whip my clothes off- even if he does buy some pink flamingos.

I LOVE flamingos- but he doesn't know that. I think I'll save that little tidbit of info for now.

I feel disappointed. I don't feel like he is treating me well, or is willing to understand me.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate it.

SD

March 8, 2006
11:23 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Nirvana: I think you're right about his plan. He has already told me that I'm going to be a little difficult. I guess I have this big seduction scene going in my head, and I'm not ready.

Hi guest-guest. Thanks for your male perspective. I hadn't thought about him being desperate or needy. Infact, so far he has made me feel like second string. His communication up to this point has been sporadic and now its full on pressure.

Hi Plz: Thanks for the validation. He IS making fun of my feelings. I feel like he is violating the boundaries I am trying to set. Too much, too soon.

Sigh.

SD

March 8, 2006
11:23 am
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taj64
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I think it is much safer to date away from the homes at least for awhile until you really get to know each other and feel comfortable with each other. It is common sense to me in this day and age. You cannot expect to be comfortable unless you make this a practice to go on first few dates at the home. I personnally see it as a red flag for a guy to want to stay at home for a date on the first or second date. There is plenty of time for that later down the road when you are comfortable with a person and it doesn't sound like he considered your feelings in this matter. In fact, he brought up age at a reason. What does age have to do with feeling comfortable? I would be put off by this man.

March 8, 2006
11:29 am
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sdesigns
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Taj64: You are exactly right. It seems obvious to me that a dinner at home is too forward at this stage of the game. I don't feel like I should have to explain that to him.

What if he puts something in the food or in my drink? Maybe I'll switch plates and glasses on him when he's not looking.

Now I'm freaking myself out.

March 8, 2006
12:45 pm
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sewunique
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SD

Not to scare you but this tidbit for you. I was told newly single down here this advice. "Never go to a man's place when invited, unless you expect to bed with him."

Because, IF ANYTHING HAPPENS and you say "NO" and he disrespects that "NO"? then they say "you did go over to his house" "If you did not want anything to happen sexually, you have no business to go to his home, go elsewhere for a date"

I embrace that advice.

March 8, 2006
12:53 pm
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taj64
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That is even better advice. I just would not do it. I have done that invite someone over to my place, didn't know very well, did it, and ended up falling for him and today here I am on this site. If I had not done that I would not have had the complication in my life. Hard lesson to learn. I will never do that again.It hurts to even think about it. Back then I was crazy about him from the get go.But I guess I should not down myself too much, because it happened and there isn't much I can do about it now but go on. Just better to wait and see what happens and not test the waters.

March 9, 2006
8:42 am
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nirvana
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Same for me taj64, but in reverse. I went to my guy's house the first time I clapped eyes on him after many years - but I did that with my eyes wide open, knowing exactly what to expect and wanting it to happen. Nothing wrong with that - since when are women not sexual beings? Don't beat yourself up about it - you ended up on this site because there's something wrong with him, there's nothing wrong with you.

But as I said, for anyone not wanting to go in that direction - meet on neutral ground.

And SD, from the additional info you have provided, this guy sounds like someone who doesn't respect boundaries and just wants to use you. Don't give in to the charm, his e-mail has given you a glimpse of what's to come and the charm will soon disappear entirely if he doesn't get his way.

March 9, 2006
12:01 pm
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terbear
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Huge red flags!! I consider myself almost an expert at internet dating lol..It's not so much him asking you for dinner at his house..Its the fact he wont let it go..Where is the respect? I believe he has no intention on any kind of relationship. Go back and read his profile. BTW I have found a wonderful man online, who respects my need to take it slow and get to know each other. But I had to weed out alot of different men..

March 9, 2006
12:12 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi everyone:

When he called yesterday he acted as if plans were still on. I asked if he read my email- I told him that I would concede to dinner at his house if he promised to behave himself, as I thought a first date at this home was just too comfy. He said he did read it and he would behave- not to worry- we will talk about it if the reltionship goes further. He was very reassuring. So I went. He cooked a lovely dinner, we sat on the couch, watched a movie, cuddled and kissed a bit, and I went home. It was actually very nice. I think we both learned something. So we will see what happens next. I just need to be firm w/ this guy.

In the old days, I would have given in completely, had sex and then wait nervously to see if he would call. I am just not going to do that anymore. I really do want to have an open honest relationship, and get all the cards out on the table first. I want to feel like I am partially in control of how things progress. This is a whole new behavior for me- very challenging but I am up for it.

Thanks everyone for your input. I am still a bit leary of him but I am hopefully not overacting. I am going to keep my guard up. Due to past experiences I am going to force things to go slowly. When all is said and done, I am left w/ myself, and I want to continue liking myself.

I at least feel like I exerted boundaries but telling him what NOT to expect, and feel I compromised to him so that he felt good too.

We shall see.

Thanks, SD

March 9, 2006
12:14 pm
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terbear
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Follow your intuition..It will never betray you..

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