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Interesting Note for Codependents on the "sleeping with the enemy" thread
September 17, 2008
5:25 pm
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Longshot
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September 17, 2008
5:28 pm
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Longshot
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Hit send too soon:)

I'm working through codependency issues in my life. I started about 2 months ago, so it's all fairly new to me. But I had this thought and wanted to see what anyone else thought.

As we rally around Ms Resilient to encourage and support her in her quest for a better life, it's interesting to me that none of can actually "do" anything. We have to stand by, so to speak, and let her make the decisions and live with them. What I'm thinking is that for those of us with codependency issues, this website is a wonderful exercise in sharing ideas, opinions, thoughts, help, encouragement and support WITHOUT jumping into our codependent "rescue" mode.

Thoughts???

September 17, 2008
8:21 pm
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PreciousG
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Long,

I was curious about this as well. Although, we may not be able to physically jump in to help I think emotionally some may take others issues on and go into rescue mode emmotionaly if you will?

Thoughts?

September 17, 2008
8:34 pm
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CAMER
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sometimes people are not "ready" to end a relationship for whatever reason, fear, the unknown, I think we all know "what to do" we are just "some" afraid of doing it.....and speaking out to others letting them know what they "should do" helps.....sometimes it takes alot of posts & support to get that person to do what should be done & at least know they have alot of support in doing the right thing....hope this makes sense!!
(((camer)))

September 18, 2008
11:50 am
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Longshot- One of the steps in ther 12 step codependency program is to GIVE UP CONTROL.

You are not responsible for what threads people start or what others post in response.

All of us here come from a variety of perspectives i.e. some offer the "rescue mode" others the refer to a web site mode, some quotes from books others just write from the top of their head.

The most important thing is that someone is reaching out, not up to us to judge and that others are spending their preciouse time trying to help out.

I think that most people have good intentions and they are not responsible for how the person who starts a thread processes they info they recieve.

I think that any response is better than ignoring someone and any thread is better then having people feel like that cant write what ever they see fit.

The thread that you are referring to strikes me as being honest and one of the worse I have heard.

It is up to her to decide what will or wont work. She is the expert on her situation.

Longshot, I am really proud of you from going from such a bad situation to getting fixed and whole in record time. But unfortunatly it takes more time for others to reach that point present company included.

I know you are trying to share what works for you. You are one of the lucky ones. Maybe you can offer this person your success story maybe it will inspire her and others. I know I would love to hear more about it.

Keep up the good work and stay healthy.

September 18, 2008
12:36 pm
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Longshot
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Destiny,

Thanks for the input. No, I'm not getting this in record time...I'm just one to observe and then think I have to say my opinion. I so agree with you that comments on these threads and not ignoring them is helpful.

I've been what I think I understand now as the victim, the rescuer, and the persecutor in what they call the Drama Triangle in codependency.

I can "see". Putting it into practice is difficult. Right now trying to hold my ground on even the simplest things is proving to be work. I'm actually feeling very weary today.

Please know that I do appreciate you, and what's written. One of the biggest lessons I'm learning is that it's ok to see life differently than someone else, and still live peacefully.

I know I have the utmost respect and admiration for Ms_Resilient and am right behind her-whatever her decision. I only wanted to share an observation I was making in myself.

I hope I'm getting what's in my heart out clearly...

September 18, 2008
10:38 pm
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Longshot- Yes a lot of dynamics here are interesting. Maybe it is good that you are annoyed by them. Means that you are moving out of the codependency role into the recovery mode.

Sometimes I feel the same way. Looking at others here can be like looking in the mirror.

Sounds like you have been getting some good help and having a lot of success with it. I wish I could have said the same for myself. This place seems to have been my best bet.

I am glad that you put your opinion out there.

Trying out your new coping skills will take time. Changing the old behavior is the hardest part. Takes time.

September 19, 2008
10:23 am
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Longshot
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Hmmm, looks like I still need much work on my communication through writing:(

I don't feel annoyed or any thing like that... gosh I amaze myself at how I don't communicate clearly.

I was trying to state an observation in myself only...

I think it may be best for me to stick with my therapist, and just encourage people if I can.

Clearly communicating what I'm thinking or feeling seems out of range for me...

Thanks for your thoughts Destiny.

September 19, 2008
10:33 am
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Long,

I was glad when you started this thread as I was wondering the same as you as I read and posted on that thread. I would like to try to figure this out with you if you are willing.

Did you feel as though you were trying to rescue someone or that you were observing others engaging in co-dependent behavior?

I know that I was wondering if I was trying to rescue or that others were. I wonder about that a lot in many threads that I read and post on. I worry that sometimes that this may actually encourage or bring out co-dependency behavior.

I know that struggle to put into writting what I am thinking. It is in my mind but somehow does not translate as I would like.

I think that you are an excellent writer. I look seek out your posts everday.

((((Long)))

Precious

September 19, 2008
10:51 am
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Longshot
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Thank you Precious.

I'd like to do exactly what you suggest, and do have more thoughts that I'd like to think through with someone. I've got a quick errand, and will be back in a few minutes.

🙂

((Precious))

September 19, 2008
11:13 am
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Longshot
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Precious-

Here's kind of what I was thinking regarding myself and my codependency issues, and wondered if anyone else was thinking anything similar.

Ms_Resilient is going through a horrific ordeal right now, and my heart hurt so much for her and I was so happy and proud for her that she's reaching out. Since I lived through watching my mom live like Ms_Resilient has been living, I felt compelled to reach out to her. To encourage, support, and lift her up the best way I could. As the posts kept coming, and I kept (and will) posting, I thought how good this is for me to deeply care for her, encourage her, support her, and yet there's not anthing I can actually do to rescue her.

I generally want to jump in and do something, go talk to people for her, send an attorney from another state, keep her husband busy for a while so she has time to pack and get out, the list is endless. What I'm learning is what she is doing the most healthy for her. She's standing up for herself, learning her options, then deciding what's best for her.

What I was trying to say is this site is a good place to really care deeply about another, and learn to care in a healthy way, reach out in a healthy way, encourage and support without controlling in any way.

If anything I wrote in this post comes across as anything other than care and concern for not only Ms_Resilient, but everyone on this site, then that is not at all my intention.

Thoughts??

September 19, 2008
1:11 pm
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Longshot
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Been thinking, analyzing...and have more thoughts.

You know Destiny you said something that hit home with me...that sometimes reading these threads, we see ourselves.

And I see something now that I thought I would share. I don't feel defensive or am I trying to defend anyone or anything.

When I first posted, I know I did not at all clearly describe my situation, I was new and jumped in kind of where I was. Many people responded to me and I know I was defensive.

After re-reading and thinking, it occurred to me that I have been ALL 3 on the codependent Drama Triangle. The victim, the rescuer, and the persecutor. I'm most familiar with victim and rescuer.

What I saw in myself as I re-read this particular thread is how easily I jumped into the victim role when I felt you misunderstood. How fast I backed down feeling like oh, great I've offended people again-primarily you, it seems anyway.

Then I thought of my first threads again, and how when I was defensive with you and soofoo, you jumped right in to defend soofoo, saying I was attacking.

What I feel you see in me is someone who will easily back down (victim) to you (persecutor). I don't think I'll do that anymore. I readily admit that I do have much to learn from how I communicate via written words, but I don't have to completely stop stating my opinions, thoughts, etc. when you don't like them. If you don't like them, that's kool with me, we can talk, debate, etc. I know this I've come a long way, I do work hard to get better, and I'm not going to feel ashamed of it. And, if I totally back slide to Hell again next week then I'm not going to feel ashamed of that either.

I have not once attacked anyone - except maybe now:)
If I come across wrong once in a while or everyday, well, I'm on a journey called life and so far have not figured out how to get it perfect. All I can say is I'm trying and will continue to do so.

Hope all is well with you and truly wish you all the best life has to offer.

(((Destiny)))

September 19, 2008
2:02 pm
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Longshot,

You are awesome! You have the courage to speak your mind and admit "hey, even I know I'm not perfect". But you're still getting it off your chest and letting your voice be heard, and that's what matters.

We all have played our parts in the drama triangle. You just aknowledge it and move on. Learn and grow. I read Codependent No More when I sought out counseling at 14. And I've re-read 3 times since.

I don't think Destiny should feel as if she's being attacked. We are all here to listen and console one another, no matter what our personal opinions are. We can only give advice and be there for each other. That's what healing is supposed to be.

I want you to know that you are keeping me going right now. I've been really down on myself today b/c I was supposed to make a phone call and I don't want that person to think that I'm not gonna go through with my plans. But I haven't been able to leave today. He has had friends of his here all day. So I read about all of you and your strength, growth and love for others. It gets me through till my next oppourtunity.

Sending many, many warm thoughts your way:)

(((Longshot)))

September 19, 2008
7:00 pm
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You go LONG! I think you and I are onthe same page here. I understood what you wrote in your post on this thread.

I see myself doing exactly what you see yourself doing. It has bothered me and I have been thinking how I did/do theis in my daily life with those I personly interact with. The amazing part is that I really started to see this in Resilient's thread as you did. I wanted to post but I decided that I would talk to my counselor about it. I am glad that you would like to continue to discuss this.

I am going to go now though.I am having a really tough day. I have had some really tough insight lastnight and today and I am strugling today. But I will return and would love to continue this discussion.

((((Long))))

Precious

September 19, 2008
7:45 pm
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Precious,

I hope your day gets better. You support so many people here. Just remember that we are all here for you too.

Thinking of you and hoping your weekend goes well.

(((Precious)))

Resilient

September 23, 2008
4:40 pm
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Longshot
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((((Ms_Resilient))))((((Precious)))))

I've been traveling and got home last night. I do want to talk more on this. I do know I appreciate you both so much for your words. I am working to speak my heart and mind and learn how to do it in a way that's clear and lets people know I care because I honestly do.

Precious I can't even begin to say how much I completely understand when the insight opens up and how it's rough. Take some time for you...just let you be good with you:)

I'm going to my youngest's football game this evening, but do look forward to "talking" more.

I want to talk more now, but time won't allow much more:(

I hope you both have a good evening:)

September 23, 2008
4:44 pm
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Hi Long,

Good to hear from you. I haven't forgotten about this discussion. I have just been all over the place this last week. I lookforward to talking with you.

I hope your travels went well and were productive. Enjoy your son's football game this evening.

((((Long)))

Precious

September 29, 2008
9:14 am
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Hi PreciousG!

(Btw-they both won their football games last week-woo hoo hoo!!!)

Just thought I'd send this up the line - I think it's called bumping:)

((Precious))

September 29, 2008
10:34 pm
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(((Long)))

WooHooo! That is awesome! I have to keep this short as I am packing to go home tomorrow. I will catch-up with you later this week.

I hope all is well with you. Hug Yourself!

BUMP! BUMP!

Precious

September 30, 2008
12:26 pm
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Precious my dear you are fabulous, simply fabulous. Be safe!!

((Precious))

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