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insights from soaps? bonni
January 29, 2008
8:30 am
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bonni
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I keep up with several soaps and occasionally catch an episode.

WELL, yesterday was the aftermath of Sonny's proposal to Kate. It was really interesting. These two care about each other, maybe even love each other, but HE loves the woman that Kate used to be and wants her to change back after she's worked really hard to build the life she wants. She claims to be willing to accept him as he is. He says "you don't want to be MRS SONNY CORINTHOS, you don't want to be MRS ANYBODY." And it just hit me.

I'm like that, I'm like Kate. I have worked so hard to build this life for myself as a professional woman. I haven't tried to hide from my past, but I have tried to become the person I wanted to be.

Becoming MRS SOMEONE ELSE somehow means that who I am, as I am just isn't sufficient. That I somehow need someone to "complete" me.

I know that soaps are fiction. I'm just finding that one dialogue very interesting in terms of this issue I keep trying to work through.

The man I love is domineering like Sonny - being with him would leave no room for me. It makes me understand why a woman would subjugate herself to the man's life. I never understood that before. In the end though, I he doesn't really love me, he just likes having control over me.

When I got married, I thought my husband and I would be partners. Its what we discussed. Its what he said he wanted. For twelve years, it was just like that. Everything was fine and then the National Guard decided that I had to be wife, mother and breadwinner and that my husband's only contribution would be a paycheck. I am supposed to stay home and do all the work while he comes and goes, giving his best to "the man," leaving nothing for his children. I'm supposed to take care of everyonen and be satisfied with his leftovers. I feel like I've been tricked into being a wife when I agreed to be a partner.

Surely the man is devoted to me, loves and adores me. But that promise he made in front of GOD and our families to be there for me, he BROKE. He left me and didn't cherish me. I cried so many nights just feeling sorry for myself and had to learn to get along without him and survive. I don't want to be dragged back into that pit of despair. While I love him in so many ways, opening myself back up to him means the death of me.

If I just hold on to me, maybe in a few years when the girls are older I can salvage what's left of my life and pursue my dream. My life doesn't suck. Its a beautiful life that most people would be happy with. but the National Guard has inappropriate control over it.

bonni

January 29, 2008
8:44 am
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through_the_fire
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Wow, Bonni, this is beautifully written. I can very much feel what you're saying. So before those 12 years he wasn't acting like the National Guard; things were more or less equal? Was the change with marrying him?

Fire

January 29, 2008
9:00 am
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bonni
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((Fire))
the change was while he was deployed for a year. We didn't expect such long deployments and the circumstances changed him. He had been gone once before, but only 8 months and then we still managed to stay close.

I think the length of the deployment and where he was and how he felt about it had an impact. He's very angry and bitter about being forced to go over the way it happened. He was pulled into another unit into an old duty that he had outgrown and wasn't confident in performing. He found out that someone deliberately made sure that all the efforts his bosses put into keeping him in his new role failed. I think if he had felt like the military valued him in this and like the mission was noble, it would have been different for both of us. Also, there was a significant drop in his pay between the military job and the civilian job. That hurt his pride tremendously and greatly contributed to his not feeling valued. Because of the tax benefits and my financial skill, we managed to make it work, but it was a big emotional blow at the beginning.

Now that he's been home awhile, things just aren't healing. He can't easily get out of the Guard at this point so the threat of another deployment hangs over all of our heads. The girls do fine for the most part, but the 7yo told him a few weeks ago that she wanted him to "quit the army." So, I know they feel it too. Because I don't know if he's going to be here, I can't make any long term plans. I'm freaking out about my daughter's move to middle school, because if he leaves for another year, I don't know how I'll manage the transportation and other issues.

It wouldn't be so bad, if I weren't a planner. I like to plan. I'm good at planning. I'm actually great at it. I want to go back to school and I haven't figured out how to work it in without being able to count on him to contribute.

January 29, 2008
10:03 am
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MsGuided
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Very Poignant bonni.

Don't ever feel selfish or regretfull that you don't support the position your husband took. The one that took him away from you. The one that robs you of the life you both started out to create.

Many of us are pawns to a bigger picture we didn't create or want.
Many of us are used by not only the gov., employers, but even friends, family, our spouses.

It's a real social flaw, one that many live and support, others fight it and admit unhappiness.

I hope you find a way to reach your goals and .....I dunno. I just really feel for your situation and wish you all the best in these crazy times of war.

There has to be a better way.

January 29, 2008
10:22 am
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Anonymous
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I felt like this when my husband had to travel, 99.9 percent of time...it made me feel very lonely, over worked and stressed out...we did this for a year, cause we had no other choice, it was not his fault here, he had to go or else be out of a job, I still felt angry and hurt, but not at him..just the situation. We eventually transferred to where he was working, but it took a toll on our marriage...it was very challenging to say the least here...hugs to you bonni!

January 29, 2008
12:23 pm
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through_the_fire
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Bonni, I really felt for you in reading your post. MsGuided, your words really struck home.

However much you feel pulled back, Bonni, it is so evident that you are ever growing and exploring.

I send you lots of caring.

Fire

January 29, 2008
1:45 pm
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bonni
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Thank you for responding. Part of my time off this week is to reconcile myself inside a little more. regain some balance and control.

I live so much inside my head that when its a jumble, everything else is. the jumble and clutter in our home complicate the jumble in my head, but its whats up there that sets the mood of everything.

OUr living room is now structured exactly as I want it. I have classical music in one corner, but somehow it is positioned just right to fill the room. The music is helpful.

My friends and support group here are too.

bonni

January 29, 2008
7:28 pm
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Codi202
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(((Bonnie)))

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