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insecurity
May 16, 2001
1:21 pm
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struggler
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For several weeks I have been reading the post with great interest and intrigue. The many different issues that so many people face are overwhelming. I guess we all have our own isolated set of challenges in life and this is what life and existance is all about. For many years I was in the public lime light and lived in a glass house. Every move that I made was open for critism from going to the movies to what I drove. My " Identity" was formed by what others thought I should be. From my childhood into my thirties high expectations were placed upon me to succeed. Only opening the door wider for failrure in my mind. Finally after many years of an unhappy and and frustrating relationship I decided to break free from the chains of judgementalism and pursue happiness. The reason for the "testimony" is to lay out the foundation for my insecurity. I was never told as a child or much as an adult that I had done a good job just that I should have done better or you are really going to be good. The feeling of never being able to please , not being good enough in any area constantly plague me. I have fallen in love with a beautiful woman, full of personality and energy, very out going and extremely giving. But I fight the feeling that I can not please her. She is full of reassurance towards me , but still-I Struggle. I understand the aspects of self evaluation and self esteam as I have been a counselor for over twenty years. Divorce,Changing jobs, life styles, etc. all are probably supportive of my insecurity at this time. I do see better days ahead, for me and those around me, I just have to keep "IT" together alittle longer.
God Speed

May 16, 2001
2:31 pm
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skimbleshanks
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Hi Strugg,

I saw that you replied to my post - THANK YOU. It helps especially to get a man's point of view.

My boyfriend has disclosed his feelings of failure with me. He feels he won't be able to make me happy. I try to tell him that my happiness is for me to provide myself. I guess all i can say to him is TRUST that you are enough. As long as you truly love and care, and you try, all else should fall into place.

You may not feel right now you can do enough, but believe her... women have complicated ranges of feelings, and it's confusing to others sometimes.

Hope that helps.

May 16, 2001
11:48 pm
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veronica
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Struggler,

Good for you!! More people should search for true happiness instead of living a miserable existance. How does that old saying go? "Happiness is a result, not a gift." We must keep striving at our goals instead of complaining, waiting and hoping for it. It looks like you are on the right path to finding your inner security and self esteem.

Your childhood must have been a sad one, always trying to please. Unfortunately, you had to struggle to become as strong as you are. Accepting the facts of your childhood and moving on is part of your healing process. Rebuilding a positive self-image is important to your future relationships. I have dealt with my alcoholic parents and healed my scars long ago. I learned to believe it wasn't my fault and began to respect myself as I should.

This woman you have fallen in love with reassures you and shows her love towards you? Accept her support and be sure she feels appreciated and the support cycle continues. You can keep it together, you are in the driver's seat. Your "identity" is what you make it, not determined by the people that put you in your glass house.

Be positive and keep seeing those better days ahead.

May 17, 2001
7:18 am
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janes
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Physician heal thyself....as a counselor you need to find that professional ear you have been giving to others for years.

YUP....find a therapist for the therapist.

As you no doubt have told others sometimes we are to close to the forest to see th trees.

good luck

May 17, 2001
9:24 am
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struggler
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Hey, Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm learning alot about people these days. Dealing with other peoples problems, it is true that I have neglected many weaknesses in my own life. For twenty years I served as the senior pastor of a semi-conservative church in a average size town. I was educated in a small private seminary and lived a very plain life. Just surviving to please others. I still beleive the needs of others , ecspecially those I care about are more important, than my own.

It is true- happiness comes from what is within. God, loved ones, and self.

Everyday is an opportunity to overcome
challenges that make us stronger, if they don't break us.

Thank-you for your kind words

May 18, 2001
1:09 pm
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Lydia
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Struggler,

I hesitated in responding via this site, but thought I should share with you and everyone offering support, how the story unfolds.

You are the most wonderful person I've ever known. Beginning with our many years of friendship and continuing with our plans of marriage, my love for you has been the strongest force in my life.

I know you have "struggled" at the deepest level. Your abusive childhood has scarred you, but you are strong and capable of resolving the issues that continue to plague you. Your growing self-esteem is contingent upon your efforts to heal your wounds.

All of those devoted years in the Ministry have been stressful as well as rewarding. You have touched soo many lives, and at times, failed to preserve your own. I know the "glass house" you lived in, I know the sacrifices you made to stay in the Ministry.

A 17 year marriage to a woman whom you never loved and had little in common with is unimaginable. You struggled to "exist" and make the best of the life you felt you were trapped in. I always wondered why you traveled alone at every opportunity that presented itself. I always wondered why you were NEVER with your wife and a look of sadness crossed your face when we talked about your home life.

I was shocked to hear the news when you adopted your son more than 4 years ago. Somehow I knew you were trying to fill a void.

Leaving your wife and family meant leaving the Ministry and being basically ostracized from those who surrounded you because of the church. I can only imagine your pain, what I saw broke my heart. All of those people turning their backs on you because you made a personal decision in search of YOUR happiness! Your "friends" weren't really friends, they were hypocrites indeed. I feel the utmost pity for them, it was truly their loss.

In just a few short days, we will have our one year anniversary of officially being together. This past year has been one of challenges, for both of us. We have had to do some major adjusting and coping with the repercussions of your former lifestyle. In spite of the difficulties, I would do it all over again without hesitation.

I am so proud of you for all of your accomplishments!! Surviving the year long divorce saga, moving, changing careers, and coping with emotional devastation has been the ultimate test.

You are strong indeed and very wise. Your decision to seek counseling will be rewarding for us both. I pray daily for your continued healing and strength. I pray that one day you will look in the mirror and see the man that I see.

You have filled my life with love I have never known. Your kindness, compassion, wit, intelligence etc.,etc., etc never go unappreciated. I close my eyes and I am flooded with touching memories of times we've shared.

Yes, we have had issues, but it makes the blessings of our relationship all that much more meaningful. I have tremendous faith in us, I see our future unfolding everyday and I will support you whole-heartedly!!

When we pillow our heads together at night, I thank God for bringing us together. All of the roads to recovery lead to the ability to love and be loved.

My heart is committed to you darling. Keep talking, keep reaching out...you are sooo strong!!

May 20, 2001
9:44 am
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Lydia
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Struggler,

A moment of panic rushed over me when I considered maybe that wasn't you that responded!!!!

Are you out there????

May 20, 2001
12:40 pm
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chippy
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Struggler,

I am a spiritual person and I have had the same kind of background - drinking parent.

In my spirituality I understand that the best souls are those that have been tested by God's fire and refined. Your soul is purer than if you had normal things happen to you....God is very close to you in your despair. You cannot help others without going through the pain. There is a dear price for wanting to reallly help others...personal suffering. Jesus had to suffer to be made perfect....if He had come here and not suffered we would all be lost. I know this sounds trite to a man like you possibly, but look for the truth in what I am saying and perhaps you will understand how your pain had a purpose. You have had the most devestating things happen to you and now you can let go of the pain of the past and use the information to help and counsel others. The gift I have received for all the pain is that I have asked God to make use of me as his servant and have been gifted to help others. Through my compassion, others have found real help and healing. Though false friends may turn from me and some men despise me, others will embrace me and love me. Look for and keep the loving in your life.....for that is truly God! He is love and only you can make him known through giving and receiving love. We are the salt of the earth and God's compassion for man.

May 21, 2001
10:49 am
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veronica
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Struggler,

I just read Chippy's post and agree with life's pain having a purpose. We have a Father who is filled with compassion, a feeling Father who hurts when his children hurt. We serve a God that says even when we're under pressure and feel like nothing is going to go right, he's wating for us, to embrace us whether we succeedd or fail. He has carried us through the valley and He has given us strength.

May 21, 2001
11:35 am
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struggler
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Hey Everyone,
Thanks so much for your spiritual insight and encouragement.
Lydia,
I don't know who you are but I sure would like to get to know you.

Really, I love you too!

With each passing day the wounds of the past are healing. There will always be some scars, but even scars fade away with time. Thank-you for your understanding and love.

MDK

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