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Insecurities vs. Codependencies
February 15, 2006
4:26 pm
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Aubrey
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I am in a alternate lifestyle relationship and have been for 3 years. Just bought a house with my partner and continue to not meet each others expectations or needs. I have sought counseling to work on me, but nothing has worked. I still fall short of the glory daily. I have alienated my friends, and too and extent my family, to pour all i have into this relationship. Can anyone help me see some sort of light other than the TRAIN coming down the tunnel!

February 15, 2006
4:36 pm
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butterflybaby
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When you say you poor yourself into the relationship completely...are you still taking care of yourself? Or just worrying about the relationship?

You have to remember that you come first and that spending time with your family and friends is probably important to you so you don't want to alienate yourself from that. Plus you can always use the support of your friends and family. Yes work on the relationship but always keep working on yourself.

February 15, 2006
4:42 pm
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gingerleigh
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"Alternate lifestyle"? Your choice of words is interesting, isn't it? You are taking away some of its legitimacy by referring to your relationship in this way, aren't you? Why is that? Who's opinion is that? Is it really your voice that's saying that?

February 16, 2006
10:21 am
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Aubrey
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I guess it is not my voice, it is the voice of my family and those who do not agree with who i fall in love with. I wish like heck, it was not the way it is, but it is the way i am wired. My partner, told me last evening that we will be placing the house on the market, this tuesday. Killed me. Please understand, I am terrified of being alone. And dying alone. I have a 6 year old little girl, and i pray that in her life, she is stronger than me.

February 16, 2006
10:31 am
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butterflybaby
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Well you will be ok if you two end up splitting up. It is ok to be alone and you never know you may come to find that you can actually enjoy it. I to was so so so afraid of being alone, but then after a couple of weeks I started enjoying my new found freedom. Now that I am sorta back with my bf...I am a little bummed and miss the alone time that I once had. It was so great and nice to really be able to focus just on myself and be totally selfish.

Try to realize that you WILL survive alone and that it's not as bad as you think it will be. And the best way to make your daughter a strong person is for you to set that example and I think you still have tons of time to do that for her.

Be strong for you and her!!
You can do it!!!

February 16, 2006
1:18 pm
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Aubrey
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Thanks for the pep talk. It is just really hard, and i have a really hard time believing in that i will be ok with out her. My life has become centered around her, and only her. There is no me in that anymore. We have become vicious, and appear to really not even like each other anymore. Let alone love one another. Sometimes i feel more adicited to the nonsense than anything..

February 16, 2006
1:46 pm
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butterflybaby
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Well I can relate to your comment of being addicted to the nonsense more than anything. I was the same way and still am. Its like you get so used to something even if it is bad that its normal for you.

But remember you deserve better you deserve to be truly HAPPY!

keep smiling if you can...any little movement in the positive direction should help even if it is just for a second or two.

: )

February 16, 2006
1:53 pm
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nc_mom_of_2
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I was told by my therapist that humnas are creatives of habit, and that once we get "comfortable" with being uncomfortable, in other words used to the stress, we don't want to break that "HABIT," even if it would make our lives better. So in that regard, it IS sort of like an addiction. She also told me that you can break a habit with 7 days of earnest change, but that the first 7 will make or break you. See if you can just make it one day at a time. By day 7, you should start becoming habitated to your new situation, if not comfortable YET!

Best Wishes!!

February 16, 2006
3:01 pm
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Aubrey
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Thanks to all the responses! You are right moving one day at a time is the method that my counselor stated to me as well. My partner is very intune with her emotions, and i have one anger, and it takes over for me in all situations. Anger is nothing but fear or the loss of control. I have a very hard time with that loss of control.

February 16, 2006
6:59 pm
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peacefulandfree
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Hi Aubrey, I can really relate to you losing yourself in the relationship.Just when I think it cant get anymore lonely. I find that someone is going through the same things I am. I think about my partner all the time. I obsess about him and when the next time he will hurt me due to his addiction. How long will he stay sober? Should I look for a place to live? All this questiond go on and on in my head. It is so exhausting.I even forget to eat. I have many sleepnes nights due to my head spinning. I am going to me first coda meeting this Monday. I am so grateful that help is out there for us.It gives me hope. For now I think I will just keep my head where my feet are and just stay in the moment.Thanks

February 16, 2006
8:31 pm
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hopeful for change
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I always am afraid to be alone to. However...I think I am alone in this relationship anyway..It's even more frustrating when their is a person sitting right in front of you, but will not do their part in the relationship or anything. Don't know if this applys to you..

February 17, 2006
8:11 am
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Aubrey
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Oh yea, it is crazy because you are alone 99% of the time in the relationship, but you have someone sitting across from you at the dinner table breathing, so you still feel like you are "not alone"...Did that make sense? If my partner and i split, i dont hear the breathing...so then,,, i am alone.

February 17, 2006
1:55 pm
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caraway
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Aubrey,

You will be great. Just think back to a time when something ended that you thought would surely kill you and it didn't.

nc_Mom had some great advice, just take it one day at a time. Soon you will build new routines and be back on track.

Gingerleigh, thank you for reminding those of us in "alternate lifestyle" relationships that until we-walk-the walk-and talk-the-talk we can expect others to.

Cary

February 17, 2006
2:14 pm
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kathygy
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aubrey,

I am sorry you are having a hard time and feeling afraid. I've been there but I have learned to focus on myself not on another person. This takes the fear away.

"My life has become centered around her, and only her."

This is very codependent. No wonder you feel afraid of not having her in your life.

The way out is to put that energy into centering your life around you, Developing a loving relationship with yourself is more important than this woman is.

Your anger is very important. Don't discount it. Feel it fully.

You will be fine, your life will be much better without this woman in it even though you may not believe that right now.

February 17, 2006
2:29 pm
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Aubrey
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Caraway- it is not that i do not believe in my lifestyle choices, as stated before. My family, and work enviroment is not as accepting as i wish they would be, so why would i think any different here, if i came right out and said I am gay? Being gay, is not easy, so no matter whether i walk the walk, or talk the talk, there are some that choose to be extremly put off, offended, down right disgusted, with my life. It is not my choice, it is the way I have been created. The reminder was taken, but the world is not always embracing.

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