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InPainZHT: I surrendered, called King's X...
October 6, 2004
1:02 pm
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InPainZHT
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Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I did it. I gave into pressure from my sister and a few friends and decided to seek therapy.

Today (oct. 6) marks exactly 2 months since the great bombshell was dropped in my lap (most of you guys know the story). Well, I haven't gotten emotionally any better.

My health hasn't suffered, but I know that is coming... I cannot keep going in the deep state of depression that I am in and it not eventually catch up to me. Deep depression hit my sister years ago so bad it permanantly affected her health, I do not want that to happen to me. I am now spending nearly 3 hours a day in the gym, hoping the excersize will relieve the stress & depression.

I am not eating like I should; I sit and stare at four walls for hours on end sometimes, feeling miserable, feeling like there is no hope. I haven't been in this chat in days, as you guys may have noticed- I haven't posted in a while... simply because I simply have no interest in doing much including the internet.

So, having read online about "severe depression", I match enough of the criteria where I must admit I have it; These include (1) not taking pleasure in anything that I normally do and (2) I find simple, basic everyday tasks nearly impossible to do (basically, I can't find enough zest just to begin them).

I made two appointments with two different councilors, both of which got good remarks and reviews from people I talked with personally locally; I decided to try two different ones because I am told that there is no shame in looking for a second one if the first one doesn't seem to be any good for you (me).

My first appointment is tomorrow at 12:30pm. The man is a psychotherapist and a psychologist both; a nurse friend of mine said that is good that he has a PHd because that means he can perscribe medication if necessary but I hope it isn't; however, nothing is, at this point, out of the question. The fact is, I am so depressed and miserable about not just the ex g/f situation but a few other things that have just arisen in my life that they are compounding; suicide isn't in the picture at all but I will say that I am so miserable that I am ready to try anything that will alleviate the misery. I have to fight the urge to just lie in bed 24/7.

Anyway, I will let you guys know how it goes. I think to myself about how dreadful my life has suddenly become beginning with the day I was baptized in august, and I suddenly recall a friend of mine that has now passed on that had a simular incident; he had told me that his life generally went without many bumps or jolts until the day he joined a church and called Jesus Christ as his savior; starting at that point, he said everything terrible in the book begin happening to him... and so I find it to be true; the devil really isn't conserned with those who are already walking the left hand path, for he knows he's already got them; it's those of us who make the decisions in life that threaten him and loosen his grip that cause him to go into overtime fighting and attacking us. I keep praying to Jesus that I recognize this, and ask him to come into my heart and fight my battles and rid myself of the devil's torment, but for whatever reason, only known to him, he has not. I continue in misery, I continue in sheer pain and agony.

InPain

October 6, 2004
1:26 pm
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mj
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I have heard that Pain is lifes way of getting our attention. Sometimes its through our pain that we decide to change what isn't working in our life. Hope that You get your answers.

October 6, 2004
1:33 pm
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Cristine
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InPain... the path of Christianity isn't an easy one. Some expect that when they finally hit their knees and 'give it to God,' that he will just make their lives bright and cheery. That is where it actually begins. He's clearing the path now for something wonderful for you. They are called 'growing pains' for a reason... it's not 'growing pleasure.' Just keep a mental image that he's 'cleaning house' and pulling out all those things in your life that have taken root. And pulling things out by the root HURTS! I hope that the counselors that you've chosen have a spiritual element to their counseling also. A lot of counselors are totally humanistic, and if you really are attempting to follow God's path for your life, then you will need a guide. Have you gotten the name of any counselors from your pastor?

One book that helped me was "A Return To Love" by Marianne Williamson. It isn't necessarily about Love, but that God IS love, and that anything outside of God... well, it just isn't love. Another one is "In the Meantime" by Imyla Vanzandt (I'm sure I just completely slaughtered the spelling of her name, but the book title is correct).

Focus on your walk with God, and all else will fall into place. I personally know that the mistakes I've made in my life where because I thought that I would just give God a little bit of 'help' in hurring the process... and boy, what mistakes and unnecessary heartache that brought.

Keep coming here too though, cause it's so great to have a place to just vent without reprocussion or hurting the feelings of those in your life that are close to you but who also have a personal relationship with you. Here, it's safe and not too terribly personal.

October 6, 2004
2:14 pm
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CAMER
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InPain, glad you are seeking help and using your spirituality to help yourself. Life is sometimes hard, just keep trying, and trying to do something good for yourself, even if you don't feel like it. Keep praying daily & know that there are so many of us out here who truely care and understand your feelings.

I will say my prayers for you, and please keep in touch on your well being.

(((((Lotsa hugs..Camer))))))

October 6, 2004
3:12 pm
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Cici
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It's adviseable to actually interview the therapist before you hire them. Most will provide at least a brief explanation of their therapeutic style and methodology, as well as where they were trained and their personal philosophy. It's up to you to determine if their style matches what you need.

So, it's important to ask the right questions. You need to know if they can help you before you launch right into your issues - otherwise you could end up like I did, with a psychiatrist that dopes you up on so many medications you can't tell which drug interaction caused seizures.

Best of luck to you.

Why do you associate your current issues with your faith?

October 6, 2004
6:25 pm
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FoolMeThrice
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I was hoping your absence meant you were feeling better, InPain.

So glad you are going to seek treatment since you are still feeling bad. There comes a point where you realize you just can't "pull your self up by the bootstraps."

Depression is a real medical disorder and it can be treated. I think you will be glad you did it.

Keep us posted!

October 6, 2004
10:43 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi In Pain: I'm glad you are going to therapy and hope it helps you. I have followed your story from the beginning and identify so much with your intense pain. I think you're making the right move. I went into deep depression and couldn't function- ending up losing 60 pounds - didn't eat, couldn't sleep, etc. No ambition- couldn't even move. So I know what you're talkng about. You've been giving yourself time limits on how long you're going to grieve and you haven't met them. Its not that simple. And you have the added "complication" of knowing what the ex is doing. Makes the whammy even harder.

One thing that did help me was leaving- if only for a weekend or I also took a few extended trips out of the state and even the country- to try and get some distance. Its too hard when they live as close as they do. It helped to get some new life experiences (travelling, visiting relatives, etc.) and get away from the scene of the crime. Feeling their presence day in and day out is too f**king hard! Maybe give yourself a break from that.

All I can offer is my commiseration and hope that this helps you. I feel for you. Let us know how the therapy goes. SD

October 6, 2004
10:59 pm
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InPainZHT
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SDesigns,

Well, on weekends I do leave and go upstate and visit my sister or brother... it helps. It's refresthing; kinda "resets" the mind. I felt that my recovery would be at a different point by now, and since it isn't, I can only conclude that there is something other at work here, there is a deeper issue that this is touching on that I need resolved. I have an idea but i'm not sure what it is, exactly. As for my ex, in particular, well, guess what- she's been making more frequent phone calls, has given me another plant, and the conclusion of her last phone call included "I miss you" and "i'll be calling again soon"... she still has him living there with her, but as my sister said, evidently the tension is starting to surface again, or something isn't quite right, or these events wouldn't be unfolding.

Christine,

This particular concilor i'm going to see tomorrow was recommended because he does, in fact, have a christian slant to his M.O., and his beliefs. I found that comforting; there is no way I could totally trust myself to somebody that doesn't understand the existance of the same higher power that I do. It would be like taking your car to get tuned up at a shop that doesn't understand how internal combustion engines work.

October 7, 2004
12:42 am
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southgoingzax
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Hey, I just wanted to say, it's not "surrender". It's not a weakness, not a defeat to call a therapist. That is a GOOD thing, you are doing for your SELF. GOOD FOR YOU!!! Lots of love,

zax

October 7, 2004
12:49 am
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sdesigns
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Hi In Pain: Maybe this is not something you want to talk about but why are you still allowing phone calls and gifts? I'm sure you have a reason that makes sense to you but it doesn't to me. You're either prolonging the agony or you really are hoping to have her back. Are you being truthful with yourself about what you want? SD

October 7, 2004
12:58 am
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southgoingzax
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SD has a point. Not to get negative, because I think you are doing a great thing, taking care of yourself, but could you bring yourself to just say next time, "It is not acceptable to me for you to call here anymore. Please stop."? Or at the very least, get caller id so you can avoid her calls? As long as she can maintain contact, she will continue to haunt you. But anyway, I am sorry you have felt so down, I really think you are taking the first GREAT step to healing, and I'm glad you have.

October 7, 2004
2:08 am
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Hi Inpain

I guess you struck a chord here.

Inpain, having been baptized in August means you are a young Christian.

One of the biggest lessons is this: let it go. the battle is not yours to fight. this is not a sad thing. It is a GOOD thing.

Your turmoil may be that you are still trying to fight battles that you have surrendered to. things may not work out your way: you agreed to that and for a very good reason. God can use you now, if you let Him.

In surrender and submission, our eyes are opened very widely. We see and feel things we could not see or feel before. The whole battlefield becomes shockingly clear, more so it seems, with each passing day.

this can cause young Christians to become judgemental, hostile, angry, towards those percieved as the "enemy." It can cause great despair. It can cause us to feel helpless and hopeless.

People are not our enemies. What the devil may or may not be doing is not our focal point as we have no control over him, only our reaction to him. He has always been the loser, and always will be.

Our job is to live our life in servitude to God. to make this world a better place because we are in it.

Knowing all the while, that everything will be okay. That we will survive anything that comes about, and that the big picture is not about us personally.

In gentleness we plant seeds. In assertiveness we help them sprout. It's up to God to see to it that they grow. This is part of letting go. You gave this gal a vision of what her life can be. Now it's time to let go. If the two of you are meant to be together, you will be.

This does not mean you must be a martyr. It means you do what you can without hurting yourself, and then let it go.

I grew up in Job's Daughters. While I have no desire to BE Job, sometimes I feel like I'm the new and improved in his spot and it's really annoying. the bottom line is that we have no way of knowing what is going on in the big picture. In our faith we continue on and do the best we can.

I have struggled in my faith. God understands that Inpain. He really does.

you are very wise to turn to a therapist. This is one of the things God has given us to help us through. It's important not to take for granted the things He gives us including the tools to make it Home, in one piece, and IN peace.

Deep breath, silent prayer, and onward soldier, one day at a time.

My thoughts and prayers are with you Inpain

In His name

free

October 7, 2004
10:51 am
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InPain,

I am very familiar with depression. Have dealt with it my whole adult life. What helped me was therapy in combination with medication. There is nothing wrong with taking medication if you are really suffering.

Having contact with your ex can be adding to your depression. I advise you to put an end to all contact or you won't be able to let go of her. She's in another realtionship and is cheating on that relationship with you even if its jsut phone calls saying she misses you and leaving plants. She is not being faithful emotionally to her partner. Do you really want someone who cheats?

October 7, 2004
2:25 pm
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InPain,

Hiya.

You've probably heard this Bible verse before, it is very popular, but it really helps me when I go through hard times: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops persverance. Persverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

At first, even if you don't mean it, (God knows this) Thank Him for the way you are feeling... (what?!) Yes, Feelings come and go, like ocean waves (so I am thankful because I know that it has to come to an end sometime) Thank God for being there for you, for being constant, when nothing else is. Thank God even when you do not understand why you feel so much pain. He has a greater plan than our little minds can even dream. He may be preparing you for the one that is your real true love, and how could you have found her when you already had someone? Often times we want the results, but we don't want to do the work involved to get there. The pain in this case, is the work. Embrace it for now. There is a reason for it. Since you said you are doing what you need to be doing (counseling, exercising, this board, talking with family, being in touch with your emotions, talking with God, medications?) it is only a matter of time until it is over and you will be looking back and seeing what you have learned from all of this. How awesome will that be! *hugs* Stay Strong! In Christ, Amanda.

October 7, 2004
4:03 pm
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SweetAmanda,

Thank you for posting. Although you posted to "InPain" what you said brought tears to my eyes. I too am still in a lot of pain over my recent breakup. But even through the pain and tears I still manage to Thank God! As I know he is preparing me for something. And I want to believe something great. It's just when your heart is hurting like mines and the tears seem never ending - it is hard to imagine it will end one of these days. I have found myself lately, asking "when" will it end. I have been actually begging for some relief. I know God doesn't work that way. He knows the desires of my heart and he will only put on me what he knows I can bare.

I love the part where you said, "it's only a matter of time until it is over."

Thanks so much for posting that...

Tryn2

October 7, 2004
8:00 pm
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InPain: Good to hear from you! Thought maybe, just maybe, you were getting on and getting over...maybe had found a new lady. That you were recovered and didn't need this group any more. Glad you're back. Unless you're on another thread and I haven't found you there. Ah, well, so what. Everybody's in therapy and on meds. If it helps, well then, that's what it's there for. My daughter and I have been goin' rounds at it and I posted quite a bit on Tumbles and Coffeehouse threads. Things are a bit better, but I think the lass has a ways to go in the maturity department. As you probably, we parents don't like to see pain and we can't fix it as much as we'd like to. Hope it's getting easier for you. Bangles

October 7, 2004
8:08 pm
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InPain: Sorry, I was in a hurry and didn't read enough. You aren't doing any better. Well, you know, if you read my thread on Tumbles, just MAKING myself do something to take my mind off my troubles helped. In my case, it was driving all the H*** over NY state for about 6 hours. But, the change in scenery (leaving the scene of the crime!) seemed to help and just the drive and the sites and places I stopped at seemed to alleviate the tension. Had I stayed home, well, I don't know. I think I was scared to. I thinkthat maybe I'd have called my daughter at work, perhaps GONE to her place of work, actually thought of calling my husband at HIS place of work just for support, called or gone to see the male friend of hers causing much of this problem...in short, none of the above would have been a good choice. In your case, while the gym is a good place to be, do you have friends togo out with? Why not go out to places you'd like, eat, drink, dance...whatever you enjoy; meet and talk to people (females) and I think that may boost your self-esteem whech seems pretty battered right now. It's too early to get into another relationshipo, but how about meeting new people? Does you job afford you any travel? Now, I think, would be the time. You need a change of scenery and some new faces in your life wouldn't hurt either. I hope you are feelilng better by the time you read this. Take care, Bangles (alias "Psycho-mom")

October 8, 2004
1:04 pm
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Tryn2LuvMe,

That is so cool! I prayed while I was typing all that, that it would speak to someone! It's really what I have been working on with myself too. =) And yes, I always think about how God will never give us more than we can handle. It's bittersweet, but to be honest, I don't think I would have it anyother way...This pain reminds me that I am alive! Not to diminish it (my pain) at all, but I am so thankful that I have all that I do have, and that feeling pain just makes the good times even sweeter! *hugs* ~Amanda~

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