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July 17, 2000
7:27 pm
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
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I had been living with my boyfriend for seven years. We had the type of relationship everyone envied. We were compatible, treated each respectfully, completely enjoyed each others company. Independently we allowed ourselves a lot of freedom to develop as individuals. We loved each other very much. What more could anyone want? With hopes of a new house, and eventually marriage and possibly children we were well on our way in planning the future together.

Earlier this year, I received a suprise phone call from 'the other woman'. At first I thought it was a joke. She began to describe him in great detail. I will never forget her words to me...'we're supposed to be getting married'. I was stunned, shocked, and confused. She continued describing the secrets visits with each other, my home, my pets, my daughter (from a previous relationship) what I looked like. I just didn't get it. I decided to end the conversation by telling her I had dinner on the stove and that I would call her back. She ended up calling me from work that same night. What she told me broke my heart. He had promised her marriage, sent her money and gifts, detailed (and lied) about our relationship and of course the physical contact. He told her that I was 'second best' and that I would make someone a good wife someday. She eventually mailed me the letters he had wrote her if you could just imagine. I read them all - there were so many hurtful things said about me, so many lies. She indulged me even more when I called her to thank her for the letters. The relationship was a long-distance relationship and lasted 15 months. (I tracked it through phone records.)

I can not find it in my heart to trust him or believe it when he says he wants to be with me now even though he didn't feel close to me then. He seems lost in his shame which is rightfully due, but it impedes on our commitment to make an effort to work things out. I know it seems immoral to stay with such a man, and I am making it a point to figure out what it is I truely want and need out of this relationship.

I see him differently now after what he has done to me. I have entertained the notion and committed myself to seeing a pshycotherapist to help me understand why this happened when it did.

I ask of you what I intend to ask of him...
What responsibility have you taken for your actions? This question has been suggested, but I don't know what to look for in the answer. Will it be something physical or something verbal? Can anyone make a suggestion?

July 19, 2000
8:16 am
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
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this has been a terrible time for you and as one of many people wh has been through similar things I can only offer you peace through understanding, I have no concrete answers.

All I can give you are my opinions on things, but here goes!

Firstly, this is NOT your fault, no "if only I had...." or any of that crap.
The man you were with is an ADULT. he had choices like we all do.

Now if he were unhappy in the relationship - he could have left you at any time, he could have talked to you about it, he coud have suggested councelling. whatever.

He made the CHOICE to play 2 people off against each other to see which one he wanted.

He also had a chice when he met this woman . he could have resisted, and he could have acted honourably.

The reason people don't do this is because they are emotional greedy and immature, they cannot bear the though of losing out and having NO-ONE. that is one of HIS issues, and it is HIS issues that caused this to happen.

Secondly, this woman was obviously intent on causing you a lot of pain, WHY? my guess is that your boyfriend did finish with her and choose you (like you are meant to feel grateful for that!) so this woman wants to hurt HIM, but making sure she does her best to destroy any chance he has of keeping you.

None of this should be your concern. don't stay with him to "prove" anything to her - forget her, my guess is she has some issues of her own too (as do all of us!)

You need to work out if you are able and indeed want to forgive him.

I personally know myself enough to realise that I cannot forgive anyone if they do this to me- it just doesn't work for me, however many people do find that they can forgive and rebuild the trust and go on to have very happy relationships.

You need to know enough about YOU to know if you can or want to do that.

and let me tell you the best way to learn about yourself is to spend time alone for a while, so you can really see what you want.

I think it would be very good for you to take time out just you and your daughter and concentrate on other areas of your life and put any relationship on hold for a while.

If this man is truelu sorry and really loves YOU, then he will wait until you know what you want.

maybe you should consider councelling, it is a very good way to sort through all this stuff and find out what you really feel, it would bean investment into you.

Whatever you do I wish you luck and peace, take time out and make decisions for the right reasons, don't stay or leave out of fear,take time out to see what YOu want and then see if it is workable.


July 25, 2000
1:12 pm
morse code
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
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I can empathize. I kicked my girlfriend out last night after discovering that she had been cheating on me for the last 6 months of a 3 1/2 year relationship. She told me she loved me and would do anything to keep the relationship. And I want to believe that too. But I need to do a lot on my own first.

What I have decided is that two things need to happen for anything to ever get us back together (which I still, against my better judgement, want to see - she had been my best friend, after all). 1) She needs to grow up and settle in herself whether she can handle a committed relationship, and 2) I need to trust her again. The former may take weeks or years but it will happen eventually. The latter may never happen.

To trust your partner after they have damaged you like this, I think, you need to believe that they are being honest with themselves. Last night she kept rationalizing that she hadn't lied. She said she hadn't committed any sin. I suggested 'adultry'. Until she can admit to herself and bring a whole person to the relationship nothing will happen.

And for you I think the issue may be similar. We feel incredibly ashamed for loving somebody who could hurt us this much, and sad & angry, but I keep coming back to a feeling of pride that I held up my end, that I was a good man, and that I deserve better.

And so do you. Whether from him or from someone else. We both want to see it work with the person we love, but that will only happen when they can grow up and be honest with themselves, and move past it.

Let's hope we both make it through the better for it. Good luck.

July 29, 2000
8:35 am
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
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Thank you for all the insight and 'words of wisdom'. It's been difficult to relate what I've been through with those close to me because they just can't comprehend the magnititude of emotions and the impact this has had on my life. I don't wish this experience on anyone. It is unimagineable for some!

A friend confided in me yesterday that the same thing happened to him. He took her back under disguised promises that it would never happen again, but it did. His words were the same as mine..."everything has been ripped away from me". He's had a year to overcome and rebuild his strength and he's much happier.

It truly takes a person with great strength of character to pull through this.

Thank you again.

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