Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
independent versus codependent
August 22, 2006
7:12 pm
Avatar
judithelaine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes, I am a codependent and enabler. In 2002 I took all my savings and bought a brand new mobile home in a senior park, landscaped the yard, and made myself a beautiful, independent home. I am 62 years old now, still working at a good job with the prospect of moving with my job to Denver, selling my home and buying another new home, planning to work for another five years minimum before I consider retirement. My x-husband, who is a convicted felon in violation of probation, no driver's license and more than one warrant for various vehicular problems, moved in with me August of 2002 and has been with me ever since. In the beginning my home was new, well kept and beautiful. My plan was to help my x by letting him stay with me during his probation and community service, to get back on his feet and then get a job and move on. That's not how it turned out. He had already violated his probation when he moved in by not contacting his probation officer, going for drug testing and signing up for community service. I rescued him from living on the street and loosing his possessions in storage, thinking I was helping. Now realize I have been enabling him to hide from his responsibilities and fears (jail, loosing his possessions, living on the street), which was not my intention. I believed I was giviing him an opportunity to repair his life. I also was displaying my success and acting out my own sense of rejection and abandonment after the divorce. Sort of a love-hate thing, or contest for vindication. I lost. I don't want to loose more. But now the situation is just barely tolerable to me. We have allowed this new identify he lives to hide from the truth of our situation. He presents himself at the mobile home park where I live (usually I am at work from 7:30 to 5:00) as my husband. Started out as my fiance. Felons are not allowed to reside in the park. I covered for him. I wanted him to stop doing drugs, stay away from the people who did drugs, and get himself clean and clear. Instead, he seems to have gotten clean and sober, has found himself a new identify, but all at my expense. I'm living a lie. I'm not happy. It took me a long time to admit that to myself. I kept waiting and believing things would change. Emotionally I cannot trust him. He has always been financially secure, earning plenty of money as an engineer and owning his own house for 30 years before the fall. Well, I need to go because I took a few minutes to ply my thoughts. They are incomplete, but I do want to change my life. I just do not know how to do it safely and with the least damage to either of us.

August 22, 2006
7:27 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You are hiding a convicted felon who has violated his probation and will return to prison when they find him. That's pretty serious. Please please protect yourself and get him out of there, even if you have to turn him in, yourself. I don't want to see you end up in legal trouble, yourself, for "aiding and abetting."

Have you talked to a lawyer about the risk you are taking?

- Strong

August 22, 2006
11:24 pm
Avatar
pearlseeker
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dear Judiith...we have a lot in common. Read my thread "BROTHER ISSUES" and you will similarities!

I agree with Strong...you have allowed your "need to rescue" to cloud your judgment. You are breaking the law, which could have bad consequences for you. That you DO NOT need! Protect yourself now. Now you are realizing you have made a mistake. I agree, too, that you need him to move out asap. If you are not sure how to get him out, then you need to talk to a lawyer and ask the lawyer to help you get him out. Or maybe a counselor could advise. But go this week. You have been putting up with all of this for 4 long years. And today is the day to stop it.

You did have good intentions. But, you said you are not happy. You have done a lot for him and it is time for you now. Time for you to live your life the way YOU want. With honesty and integrity. I do not know all of the details. But...I do know you sound like a good person who deserves a lot better!

I tried to rescue...and have lost 16 months of my life and money and time/ And I am fed up already!!! I do not know how you have been able to handle 4 years. Well, it is not too late! You have woke up.

Stay on this site and you will get all kinds of support. The kind people here have given me all kinds of ideas and strength on my Brother Issues thread. Don't settle for less than being true to yourself and being happy. Ok???

You admit you are not happy. I am not happy either since my own rescuing of my brother has me trapped. An emotional trap...a financial trap...a mental trap...and even a physical trap. These men or people who are so needy have a way of using us. We both deserve to be happy without all of these traps!!!

I am 58, and I never expected I would be in such a situation that I am now in. And I am sure YOU thought you were doing the right thing by trying to get him on his feet. Well, guess what! Your guy and my brother are kind of dragging us down. Don't you think?

August 23, 2006
1:55 am
Avatar
gracenotes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Judith,

Besides allowing a convicted felon to live in your home, (couldn't you be legally liable for participating in this, knowing he is a felon??) you are allowing him to live as a fraud. There just cannot be a happy ending to this if things stay the way they are.

One thing that really got my attention is this sense I get from you that you are feeling miserable because you are so out of alignment with your own intrinsic integrity with yourself and the constant lies that you are living and your nice home becoming a nightmare. You sound like an honest person, but you are living a lie with a liar.

Nothing good can come from this. Have you considered that you may have to spend the rest of your life living this lie? Strong is absolutely right. End it now, get him out of there, call and get him arrested. He doesn't need to know it was because of you, does he?

Then, maybe that nice work opportunity will come to fruition and you can make a new start.

Nothing good can come from this situation. Eventually the truth will out, probably after the next crime is committed, and you will be written up as the one who was harboring a felon. Better to quietly get him out now.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but living out of integrity with yourself like this is such an awful feeling. I've been in these situations briefly in my life, and not that long ago, and that's the feeling I am getting from your post. Do it.

August 23, 2006
9:42 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

get him out now...tell him to go to a homeless shelter and then he can get himself back on his feet...you have done more than enough for him and the longer you let him stay the worse and harder it will be to get him out...you do have choices, and now is the time to think of you.

August 25, 2006
12:36 am
Avatar
pearlseeker
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes, cut the tie...he needs to go. It is hard, like you said on my "brother issue" thread, but now that you have declared how unhappy yu are with the whole situation, you can now figure out how to get him out. You do have choices. Just don't make the bad choice of letting him stay.

Your life is too important to throw away!

Right!!

August 25, 2006
11:34 pm
Avatar
pearlseeker
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don't get on here every day....but I just thought I would check in with you and see how you are holding up!

Just wondered how your day went today and I hope you are getting things sorted out in your mind as to what you are going to do!

Things will work out...just think things through and go with your gut instinct about what is right for YOU.

Hugs! Caring...

August 26, 2006
5:21 pm
Avatar
gracenotes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Judith,

Just wondering how you are doing? Hope you are okay.

September 2, 2006
7:18 pm
Avatar
judithelaine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Today is one hot Saturday, and maybe the heat is part of my angry reaction to my x right after I got up from taking a short nap with my two weiner dogs. My car is still not running and I am gratefully sharing a ride to work with my daughter who works at the same place as I. I have not spoken with any counsel except here but I have made inquiries, just the wrong kind. I should have asked about mys own legal situation instead of asking about what would happen if my x turned himself in voluntarily. Wrong question, I know. I'm still not able to deal with the conflict I feel about changing my situation and all that it will entail. I have mixed feelings about being responsible for x's belongings and the good things he has done to try to repay me for caretaking, and then I have feelings dread for knowing I will have to deal with all the stuff he has accumulated in my house and his storage bin if he does have to go face his penaltis and straighten out his life. What do I do with it all? It is not mine. He has no money, no job, no real friends, and I know that is not my doing. I want to do the right thing for both of us but I feel very confused. I'm trying to have faith that he will get his stuff in order, but even if he does, the truth to me feels like I want my life back. We are not good for each other. He makes me feel unempowered. He does the laundry and the dishes, packs my lunch, and trys to make me comfortable when I come home from work. But he stays in his room working on projects or is busy fixing something or other. The only time we spend together is eating. I am a good cook. I used to enjoy making bar-b-ques for my daughter and a couple of friends. I'm pretty much an isolationist but do enjoy entertaining. X and I seem to always be antaganistic towards each other. He brought back more stuff from the dumpster and I got angry. His intentions may be sincere but I don't need any more things, and if I do, I would like to make the choice myself as to what they are. There is so much stuff to go through. I don't know what I will do with it all. I hate to see him loose his tools and valuables. I paid so much to try to salvage them so he could get his life back together, but now my life is miserable. I come home and go into my bedroom with my dogs. I sleep alot. I have been sick more than usual, and last Thursday I dislocated my shoulder again after not having done that for 11 years. When I was 33 I got divorced from my first marriage from the father of my two children. My son is dead now from an accidental overdose. My daughter is very successful at work and tells me to get rid of x - she hates him. After my first divorce I had such low self esteem and lack of experience with life that I allowed myself to be beaten very badly for about three months until I finally escaped the situation with the help of my girlfriend. I used to believe in the goodness of mankind, that if you turn the other cheek sooner or later the person hurting me would see that violence does not solve anything. What I learned is that being a pacifist can get you killed. That's why both my shoulders and knees have been damaged (dislocated), and it took years to get better. Then Thursday I was reading at lunch, the phone range (it was x) and I jumped, startled. That's what threw out my shoulder. I went from work to emergency and they put it back. No problem. It's sore now but okay. I'm very conflicted. Next week my daughter goes on a business trip and I will be watching her place and her little dog until she gets back on Thursday night, so I will have some time alone. I plan to get my dogs with me to her place and go to work from there. My car will probably not be running by then either (not that I'm not trying to be optimistic). I would not want to see x loose his lifetime possessions, but I think we both know our relationship is not good for either of us. I'm going to try to find out what will happen if he has to take care of his obligations, if there is some agency or something that can save his stuff other than me. I hate being so two-faced about my feelings. I'm trying to cope, but now that I have faced what I want for myself, I find it very diffucult to keep the status quo. I'm going to try to clean stuff up, maybe walk my dogs when it's not so hot. I just hate hiding in my bedroom. I do beading in there, and write in my journal, and read the I-Ching. I'm not really happy but I made these bad choices and now I have to figure out how to fix them so the least amount of pain and damage happens to all involved. Right?

September 2, 2006
8:14 pm
Avatar
gracenotes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Judith,

I had a roommate for a short time. Despite my screening, it turned out that he was a felon for property damage when drunk, and, eventually the drinking starting, the police arrested him, and I was stuck with his belongings. I asked the same question.

At least in my state, because he was a renter, I was legally protected. He had to pay for every day he left his stuff here, and if he did not get it out within x number of days, it could do up to public auction. This was all legal, in writing, a legal code.

I know this is not exactly your situation, but there must be some kind of legal provision where you live that clearly states what to do with his belongings. These are his belongings, not yours. You do not ultimately have any responsibility for his belongings or what is in his storage shed. He is responsible for paying the storage rent, not you. I think you need to get clear on this as it seems you are taking on a responsibility that is not yours.

He was notified in writing that he had to do something about his belongings, and if he didn't do aything about it, then, free and clear, I had every right to sell the stuff off. He was also charged for every day of leaving the stuff there past the rental period.

I would check the internet. Surprisingly there's a lot of state specific information on court, jail, police, etc. web pages that might be of help. Or, ask a legal person.

I would not use that as a reason to not take action on this. I am 99.9% sure there are laws that will clearly define his belongings from your belongings and give you clear guidelines about what to do with his belongings.

Good, you are asking the right questions. I sense so strongly that you want to do the right thing and I am sure you will do it.

September 5, 2006
3:35 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

judith -

Are you harboring a fugitive? Someone who has violated the conditions of his parole, etc? If so, you must turn him in. Otherwise, you are in legal jeopardy. And get his stuff off your property. Tell him to get it out of there. Are you afraid of him?

- Strong

September 7, 2006
2:55 pm
Avatar
gracenotes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Judith,

Hope you are okay. Hope you are planning to take some action now or very soon. You are jeopardizing everything by being a part of this. The law is not going to care if he was sometimes nice or if you didn't know what to do with his belongings. The law is going to see you at fault unless you are pro-active about this aod do something.

Nothing good can come from this situation and you will be all the better once he is taken back to prison. With the internet and shows on TV, they are catching these kinds of people all the time. Can you imagine if his picture gets all over the internet and/or it is on a TV show. Someone will recognize him. Happens all the time. Then you will be haboring a fugitive and you will be in deep trouble. I think you are better than this from what you said before.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
28
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714260
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information