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independant but not...
March 3, 2001
1:55 pm
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lazydazy
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I feel like im independant...My boyfriend lives 9 hours away, we've been apart before. Im starting to think that my relationship might be a big part of my depression. I've had alot of problems for the past 3 years. He is my best friend, helps me through everything. STuck with me through so much. Weve had our big share of problems. I tell him everything...i tell other people problems to me but mostly confide in him. I think I rely on him emotionally for everything. We both have a hard time expressing our feelings and we are afraid to argue with each other. He is so bad at expressing his feelings, he says he doesnt think that deeply about things and that is just the way he is. Sometimes I catch him bringing up things later, just sly comments that u can tell the situation bothered him at the time. Maybe I need to break things off for awhile. To let me do my own thing. I think im so independant, i go out with my friends all of the time. Maybe im afraid that he is codependant on me, too. He used to be so much more social...Now, even when im away from him, he will stay home alot. He has some problems that im afraid he feels lonely because he cant share with anyone. Maybe we both live in our little world and shut the rest out emotionally because we dont think they can take it. I know there are people with worse problems than mine but its so hard to open up. I had an abortion awhile ago. It just seems like such a hard thing to talk about. He doesnt want to tell his friends and give me a bad name(the baby wasnt his-it was from before we started dating). I had to deal with emotional scars afterwards and he was there for me to talk to . I think i used him as a counselor. I just needed to vent...

March 4, 2001
2:24 am
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cerry
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Dear Lazydazy,

You have me slightly confused. I read your thread and the first things that come to my mind is confusion. Please excuse what I have to say and I am not here to judge you but your first statement was, "I feel like I'm independant". Then later on you state that your boyfriend of 3 years is your best friend and helps you throught everything including emotional then proceed to say that he might be codependant on you. My question to you would be can you tell me how you would feel independant if you still rely on him emotionally? It sounds like the both of you have had your share of problems and have simularities opening up to anyone. Reading your thread and the title of your thread sounds like you would like to be independant but at this time you would like to work out your own life issues before venturing out, am I right or not? I am not sure if you feel that your boyfriend is pulling you down as he might now require more emotional support than yourself.
No one here including me are here to judge you for anything including your past. We all in some ways or another have skeletons in the closet or things we would rather keep to ourselves. It is not easy to express certain issues with anyone as maybe trust or ridicule from others can be an issue. Either way your boyfriend seems like a nice person helping you out but maybe this is your way of expressing that maybe even though the two of you have issues to iron out but you wanting to have more independance and/or control over your life. It sounds to me that the time away from your boyfriend has given you time to gain some sort of independance not having him there to assist you with your emotional needs. Having him as a friend and someone to talk is great but maybe your trying to say you want to go on with your own life. I am not sure but if that is the case maybe you should seek someone who is a counselor who you can trust and really put you on a direction that could assist you gaining that control. Well, I hope I didn't confuse you but you did mention alot of issues but at times you confused me. I hope you write back and tell us how your are doing. Best of luck.
Cerry

March 5, 2001
5:21 pm
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Molly
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Like Cerry suggested, you sound confused, but if you were not, you would not have posted!
My take on what I read, perhaps you were weak when you met him, and he was there. Companionship. Any relationship better than none? You have spent enough time together to develop a mutual dependency, which is healthy to a certain point. Perhaps you are in a healthier place now, and this relationship is not looking as healthy. Thus the questions regarding your independence? Some things do not need to be brought out publically, and definately talking about a previous abortion is one of those subjects, save it for group, or counseling, with a real counselor. Boundry lines. Sounds like your getting the picture that he is not your life mate? If so go ahead and end it, but I suggest that you spend time with out a mate, and get to know who you are and what you want out of the relationship, life is to short to settle, and if you do take the time, you will learn one of two things, he was great, or you were right to honor your feelings. It takes alot to make a relationship work, but the most important is communication. If he can't talk, or isn't interested in mutual goals what do you have to loose?

March 10, 2001
2:00 pm
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smileyface
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September 27, 2010
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I'm having a bad day. I was married for 17yrs and divorced for two. I thought I was over my dependency on people but I'm not and I'm too trusting and loosing my ass in money because I keep giving it away. I can't resist a sob story and so I want to help. Been like that since I was young and still assist people for free and I'm naive and I feel like it is going to hurt me if I don't go in a different direction with my life. I have persued school and got this internet and have started some hobbies. But I feel like I have to stay home because I keep falling into the wrong path. Went out with my friend last night and this man asked me to a party. When I got there there was no party and I took him home. Well dropped him off on the corner and when I whipped a yoouey to go home I checked for my wallet It was gone and the man showed me a fake ID when I asked to see who he really was. Five men played the scam with him and my friend says I should count my blessings and deal with it. So I did. But I was real happy and called my mom and she is pissed at me because she says I'm still dependant and I'm being stupid. I don't want to hate people but I'm afraid of this real world today and feel trapped in my home. Have seen couselors for 6years but they just let me cry on their shoulders and suck up all my money. What should I do to stop being so easy and get smarter about my decisions. I'm 38 y/o!

March 16, 2001
8:08 pm
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lazydazy
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Maybe you just need to listen to that little inner voice thats inside you to know if you are being taken advantage of. I always give in, never want to cause a fuss or be a burden to people. I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt. But the truth is, those that take advantage look to people like us...and the truth hurts. The problem is...i know when there's danger and most of the time, I do listen to that voice. But there are times, when I want to believe what I am hearing...in a perfect world, some situations and words others put on us sound great...and things just dont feel right about it, but I continue to get taken advantage of....Dont be scared about today...let yourself go. You will never be able to experience things if you hide behind your wall. And if things end up bad, look at those as a lesson...maybe be less trusting but still LIVE! Think of all the good people that you know. There are more of us out there!

As for me, Im home living a single life now. Im still with my boyfriend but I go out all the time with friends and im trying to confide in other people beside him. The problem is...I feel like im living a double life. Im here, having fun going out all the time with friends at night. Im depressed alot of the time..which makes it hard to figure out where I want to go from here. What job do I want, do i want to spend more money and go back to school? I feel like im not good enough for alot of jobs, im too depressed to talk to people all the time, Im insecure about my work, always thinking things arent good enough. I put on this happy face facade with my friends and go home an sulk. Im thinking about going back for a certificate program, it will be at night and ill get a job during the day...alot of work and running around from one side of the city to the other. But its a direction for me...Im thinking that living with my parents is bringing me down...i have alot of unresolved issues with my father that I do not want to resolve, but it leaves me cold and irritable alot of the times. But I do not know if I can afford, new school loans, old loans, and an apartment. I hear ya smiley face...

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