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Incredibly Paniced due to Marriage Separation
June 23, 2009
12:13 am
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wifi200
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My husband & I have been having problems for the 9 months we've been married. 1 month prior to marriage I wanted to postpone things, he said don't worry. Yesterday he says we have problems and what should we do, i tell him we should get professional help, he says he doesn't believe in it and he decides to tell me he wants to "Split Up". There's a history here in that we saw one counsellor together and the counsellor called me and told me my husband is passive aggressive and emotionally abusive, holding affection and communication as hostages if I speak up. Most of our problems are due to external forces (i.e. his family) and he says he wants to leave, I know this marriage hasn't been a marriage, I've been miserable, I know that this is just no good but I can't let go. He did this before and I got on my hands and knees and begged him not to leave me, I'm trying my hardest not to do this here, but I feel like I'm going to die without him. I'm a very successful woman and it's interfering with my work now. Today after saying all this, he continues to sleep in the bed and hasn't left. I'm in a limbo, scared to ask what's going on because I don't want him to leave, even though I'm absolutely miserable. I saw a counsellor today who told me I'm co dependent, I just don't get it...I just want someone to tell me what to do, how can someone not understand marriage is serious. I have tried to do everything here, he comes late, doesn't show up for dates, never calls, never picks up my calls, lets his sisters talk rudely to me and when I speak up he stops talking to me and tells me he wants to leave. Can someone help me through my fear? Can someone help me figure out if I really ant him or waht's going on here? If I'm afraid to be alone how do I cope with this? I don't want to beg him to stay as I need to maintain my dignity but I am unable to accept a separation.

June 23, 2009
12:27 am
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fantas
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(((Wifi200))), Welcome the the site. You are definitely in the right place. I'm so sorry you are hurting this way at this time. Hang in there, read the posts of this site and at the very least, it will make your day go by.

I would also suggest finding a CodA group in your area and attend at least three meetings before you decide to like or dislike it. As well, the book codependent no more, will be of great help to you. It's great you are seeing a therapist. Keep with that too.

IMO, I see two issues here: your fear of being alone and your husbands unavailability. In this situation, you can only control and deal with yourself. Obviously your perception of marriage and his aren't the same and there is nothing you can about that. There is also nothing you can do about his abusive and manipulative behavior. He is the way he is and you need to decide if this is what you want to live with.

My ex would stop doing anything that made me happy as soon as I let him know or thank him for it. My self esteem and worth were so low that I actually thought I was asking too much of him. The longer I stayed the worse I felt and eventually just had a serious breakdown. That was my bottom and even though I didn't understand any of it, I vowed to not get into another relationship until I figured something out. I would say, without judgment,getting on your knees to beg him to stay is quite low. No one is deserving of that. Not even the mother who gave birth to you.

June 23, 2009
12:27 am
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fantas
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(((Wifi200))), Welcome the the site. You are definitely in the right place. I'm so sorry you are hurting this way at this time. Hang in there, read the posts of this site and at the very least, it will make your day go by.

I would also suggest finding a CodA group in your area and attend at least three meetings before you decide to like or dislike it. As well, the book codependent no more, will be of great help to you. It's great you are seeing a therapist. Keep with that too.

IMO, I see two issues here: your fear of being alone and your husbands unavailability. In this situation, you can only control and deal with yourself. Obviously your perception of marriage and his aren't the same and there is nothing you can about that. There is also nothing you can do about his abusive and manipulative behavior. He is the way he is and you need to decide if this is what you want to live with.

My ex would stop doing anything that made me happy as soon as I let him know or thank him for it. My self esteem and worth were so low that I actually thought I was asking too much of him. The longer I stayed the worse I felt and eventually just had a serious breakdown. That was my bottom and even though I didn't understand any of it, I vowed to not get into another relationship until I figured something out. I would say, without judgment,getting on your knees to beg him to stay is quite low. No one is deserving of that. Not even the mother who gave birth to you.

June 23, 2009
12:42 am
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fantas
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Oh no, sorry I accidentally hit the button and twice.

You deserve to be loved and cherished without doing anything at all. It isn't what you do that makes you worthy of love and respect. The fact that you were born and have made it this far in life is worth celebrating and you shouldn't settle for less. Your husband is an insecure man. This doesn't make him any less lovable but it does make him unsafe for you. So you can love him from a distance. Also, your fear of being alone isn't about him and it's not fair to place the burden of filling this empty space within you, on anyone. You need to learn how to take care of these emotional deficiencies because they are withing you. Just like no one can take your vitamin for you no matter how much they want you to be healthy.

Take pride in your accomplishments and try not to align your success in relationships with your other accomplishments. Each of them is independent on its own and serves a different purpose in our live. Obviously, you need to do some work on your relationship portfolio, if you will,like we all do but the others remain excellently intact :).

I would suggest kicking the husband out on his kister (sp) and let him stay with the relatives or wherever he wishes. If you aren't brave enough to do this, I would suggest taking a breather and going on vacation. Ask your therapist to put you on official sick leave for your HR files and go far away where you can think. However, if all this seems too difficult, do something healing and caring for yourself everyday. And by anything, I mean smelling a flower, watching a bird fly, spa treatments. Surround yourself with people who love you and care about you. You need them now more than ever.

Please keep posting and reading. Even if you don't get a response do it as an outlet for yourself....Hang in!!

June 23, 2009
11:34 am
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atalose
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It sounds like you are already alone in your marriage with your husband being so unavailable. He doesn’t show up for dates, never calls and never answers his phone. And now he’s dropped a bomb in your lap but hasn’t left yet leaving you pondering your own future, sounds pretty cruel to me.

So since you are basically alone what part of being alone scares you the most, is it not physically having someone in your home so you are not alone? Is it the “idea” of being married and having someone? What do you feel fears you most?

Do you think you can’t let go of his passive aggressive behavior, his sister’s rudeness towards you, and his family’s interference in your marriage, his unavailability and presents in the marriage? Again what is it you don’t believe you can let go of?

Maybe you want the comfort of “being married”, maybe it’s the fantasy of happily ever after you are having a hard time letting go of?

I think you need to dig deep within for many of those answers and be as honest with yourself as possible.

Just because “this marriage” didn’t work out for you doesn’t mean “marriage” won’t work out for you. Just because “this guy” and this marriage haven’t worked out doesn’t mean “another healthier guy” down the road and marriage won’t.

Keep posting, venting and talking out all those thoughts running through your head.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 23, 2009
1:40 pm
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Zebra
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Hugs to you Wifi200,

I am sorry that you are hurting. I agree with the other posters on this. You need to find you and you need to let him go, if he doesn't want to be there or in the marriage. YES it is hard and it hurts like hell, but we, or at least I have been there and it does get better.

You are worth it and you are strong.

Love you, Z

June 23, 2009
4:37 pm
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fantas
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bumping

June 24, 2009
9:21 pm
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truthBtold
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wifi200,

Two things stuck out in my mind when reading your first post:

First - "1 month prior to marriage I wanted to postpone things"

Second - "I'm a very successful woman and it's interfering with my work now."

Do you see the bottom-line correlation here?

Bottom-line?

You really, honestly, deep-down didn't really want to marry in the first place, in your heart of hearts and now - it is interferring with your job.

You DO REALIZE how important it is for you to maintain your job - right?

Keep yourself financially stable and independent?

Otherwise -if not (as some of my ancestors used to say.....you could be in a 'world of hurt...')

Just imagine how stuck you would feel if not for your job and had to depend on him??????

But this is not your case, according to what you say.

My advice would be to just back off and continue to keep yourself financially independent. Share your views and feelings at a distance - but know that you can fend for yourself should push ever come to shove.

I know. I know how utterly important that is because I have temporarily lost that financial independence I have known virtually all my life since the age of 16 until just a few years ago and I am hear to tell ya - it is a really sucky-ass feeling!!!!!!

FYI!!!!!!!

June 25, 2009
5:20 pm
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wifi200
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Thank you all so much for your answers, I'm going to think about them. The situation is just so difficult for me. I am so afraid to ask him what's going on. An update to the situation is the house I own and we live in has been listed and has now been sold, we have 4 weeks to move out and he makes no mention of anything, and stupid me, I'm just too afraid to ask because I'm scared to hear the answer and I know it's going to be "I don't know" and if I say I don't know is unacceptable and he leaves I don't know how to handle it. I read the responses, and it's been 4 days now and I am feeling stronger so I'm hoping I will regain my strength. Its not the idea of marriage it's the idea of not having him around. I find myself thinking that I'd rather have him around then not at all even if it is horrible, and the sane part of me realizes that's very very unhealthy. Thank you all again so much. Tonight I'm going to go home and try to talk to him about what's going on and at least initiate a discussion, I'm not ready for any decisions, but hopefully I don't chicken out as I did yesterday.
You are all very kind, I don't know any of you but may God bless you all for the support and help you have given me, if you only knew how it releaves some of my anxiety and panic.

June 26, 2009
9:18 am
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wifi200
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Just an update for everyone, I asked him what's going on, he said he loves me BUT to many arguments and he can't make me happy. I asked for clarification and he said where he's at right now is he wants a split so I told him, ok, then we have to act like we have split not pretend nothing has happened. I went for a drive and I didn't come back. Stayed at my brothers place, he was surprised and I'm in such pain today but I'm trying to stay away so I don't beg, but the urge is so strong, it's still there, I feel like I just down no how to survive through this. My brother says every day will get better and I will get stronger, so I hope that's true. Thank you all again.

June 26, 2009
8:26 pm
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fantas
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((((wifi)))), Way to go!!! See you always had the strength!! Not knowing is the no man's land of anxiety. Just so you know, he many go into panic mode as well and act like he really wants you and begin to call or look for you. If he does, just know that the attention will stop as soon as he learns that he has you again. So stay strong, you deserve better!!! Find a support group you can go to daily. Surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally. Hang in there!!!

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