Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
incest issues with father difficult night in therapy need support
April 3, 2007
9:34 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Tonight my therapy session was really difficult. It was one of those ones where I just want to run right out and get high because I hate what we were talking about but I know that means it's important.

Somehow I got to talking about things I don't understand about myself that I don't think are ever gonna change, and things I hate about life that will never change. I guess I happened to mention that no matter how young I was, how good I looked, I can never remember a time in my life when I didn't HATE my body. I've hated it less at certain times, but I've always hated it. Even as a child, I thought I was ugly, mishapen or fat. It's hard to give any perspective on this without showing you what I have looked like all my life, which I hear is not bad!!! So what is wrong with me? Then there are other major things- that was only an example and it started us talking...

Honestly, I thought I dealt with this a long time ago. As if you can just "cover" things in therapy and then you are done! Things to do with my father and his behavior. Inappropriate behavior. Things he did that weren't very nice. To my mom and to my sister and I. Things that were abusive and/or perverted. Too touchy feely. I can't even talk about it articulately right now. I am just upset, but this keeps coming up. It's part of what makes me who I am today, and gives me so many of the troubles I have.

I am deeply depressed and have few people I really can rely on. Unfortunately, since I have moved away, broken up with ex and old friends, I haven't replaced these relationships. Haven't been able to. I only have my family. My sister and my parents. Some very unhealthy relationships.

It's a really hard time for me. Sometimes I feel suicidal but I no longer have the luxury of fantisizing about it because now I am afraid of death and all the humilation that comes with it. Basically I know I won't be missed at all and this hurts. I want to change my life and I am trying so hard but I am so tired all the time.

It's really hard to deal with this incest issue because there was no real rape to point to and go "SEE YOU DID THAT TO ME." It feels like it's my fault. My imagination. That it was okay for him to touch me and act like I was his wife and wrong for me to think bad things about it.
I can just imagine his reaction if he were to hear me say all this. Even my own mother would think I was ill for imagining such things. But it is real I tell you.

I am 37 years old. A few months ago my father was at my house after he stopped somewhere in the city. I didn't feel well and was exhausted. He went into the bathroom and was in there long enough for me to fall asleep. My only couch is my futon which was not folded. I fell asleep playing with my dog. I woke up and he was lying on the bed next to me. Maybe I told this story here but it haunts me and grosses me out. I demanded that he leave. I didn't talk to him for a while. I never told him why, it just made me too sick.

No wonder why sometimes my relationship with my drug addict boyfriend seemed more healthy than any others in my life at times. Help.

-ella

April 3, 2007
9:55 pm
Avatar
bevdee
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 259
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mzrella

I'm not sure what to say to you other than I'm sorry this has happened to you and affected your life. I was molested by a babysitter, and I have always had similar feelings about my body. Same here- I look good for my age, but there is always that critique of my fatness.

And I wasn't betrayed by my father.

When I first addressed the reality of what happened to me, I got real sick, too. I had denied it for so long, and feared it- I'm sure that is why I had such nausea. It was after that I started with a therapist. Again, I don't have any advice or recommendations, other than to let you know I will be thinking of you and willing you a gentle recovery. Be kind to yourself.

(((Ella)))

April 3, 2007
10:53 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

I feel so bad that this must have also hurt my mother

April 3, 2007
11:08 pm
Avatar
bevdee
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 259
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ella

Do you feel that you are somehow responsible for this? For hurting your mother?

You didn't bring this on. He did it.

April 3, 2007
11:18 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Yes I do.

I don't know I am very confused. I talk to my parents everyday because I have no one else right now. My mother is often asleep, or out, so I don't get to talk to her as much although I ask to.

My father had recently regressed into complaining about my mother to me again. In the past I had put a stop to this, but it gradually started again and I guess I felt guilty telling him to stop talking about her and what bothers him becaues I am always so sad. I try not to lean on him or either one of them, but just them knowing how I am doing is a burden. I don't know. I shouldn't feel like I "owe" him inappropriate behavior and my own discomfort because he sacrifices things for me. I mean he is my father.

I just wish I had an alternate support system.

April 3, 2007
11:25 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

You know, I have this really childish impulse to run away from home. I almost wish I did that when I was going to- before I had this apartment and so much to lose- I was going to go to Florida with my ex. Naturally that would have been a disaster, but maybe I would have had to start over. I am in such a hole. I can't see my life getting any better. I fear getting old and getting old without ever feeling any better. It's like being a waste of life. I know someone else would have done so much more with my brains, with my health (excluding mental health), with my education, talents and looks. I just hate myself right now. It would be nice to donate my life to someone. I want out.

April 3, 2007
11:44 pm
Avatar
bevdee
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 259
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ella

I ran away from home. Not for those reasons, but that's what I did. The best things that have happened to me have been since I moved further south. I moved on my 40th B-day, and the next year, that song came out-Fot the next forty years....

When I was leaving, my mom said,"no matter where you go, there you are" She was right - here I am, and here she ain't.

You do not owe him inappropriate behvaiour. Ever. If he stops giving you money? Or things? You will figure something else out. Ways to economise. IMO, it's just too dear a trade-off.

(((Ella)))

April 3, 2007
11:49 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

It's so disgusting. I feel like such a whore. They bought me this apartment I live in. I love it, but I feel so indebted. I've begun to arrange to have the kitchen renovated and now I feel so slimy about it. On the flipside, I can't stand to NOT have it done because that will also be a reminder of how disfunctional our family is. I am so ashamed of us. I didn't used to feel that way.

April 4, 2007
12:39 am
Avatar
hopeful for change
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ella, I am so sorry for all you are going through. I to was a victim of the incest but mine was my grandfather. I to wasn't raped, but that doesn't change anything.

I really don't know how you can stand to have a relationship at all with him. Him laying on the bed next to you makes me want to scream.

Its not that I dont' believe in forgiveness..I do..but I would not be able to be in close relations with my abuser.

It was hard enough getting through at all without that. I am 37 as well. There are long lingering effects of it all, and alot of it doesn't have to do with the actual event, but more how we learn to feel about ourselves, relationships, love etc.

I to have had many counseling periods, where I would think I am over it...but its the other parts that linger. I wonder if I will ever get it all together. You can't reclaim your innocense or wonder what it would have been like if....because we will never know.

I know this is probably weird to, but along with all the negative things it has done to me..in ways it has made me a wonderful mom, a compassionate and caring person etc and made me realize alot in this world. That may have not cameout in the right words.

I am sure all of this has alot to do with the really bad relationship choices I have made. Sometimes I really think I am choosing differently but end up in a similar place.

I always seem to think if I prove my love, then someone will eventually love me and treat me the right way.

Its confusing, when we learn that love is abuse..that someone who supposably loves us does those sort of things. Its so screwed up.

I'm sorry not offering any advice I just understand and have similar issues.

April 4, 2007
1:19 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

mzella, bevdee, hopeful,

I love you guys. I just posted my pathetic feelings on "I'm so disillusioned". I know I'm old enough to be your mom. Your issues are/were not mine. But there is a core element i AM IDENTIFYING with....maybe it is in the NOT GETTING ANY RESOLUTION factor.

April 4, 2007
6:03 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

hopeful,

Yeah, I feel like screaming too. But you have to understand that this hasn't really sunk in. I've even dealt with these issues before in therapy. If I lived farther away, if I never spoke to my parents it would crystalize more. How can I not speak to my mother though? I feel like she was even more manipulated than I was. She is sick, and I feel like I need all the time I can spend communicating with her- which is seldom in person because she doesn't travel much anymore. She doesn't walk well. It's hard. I am very confused. I feel like I do love them, but this will never be sorted out, the anger and the sickness. And what of my sister?

It would be great to take a leave from my job, work somewhere out west for a while and sublet my apartment. But I don't think I can, and I am only 1/2 owner with my father. (How's that for sticky?). So he would just move in, or like before, my mother moved in. And my job would not hold my place. It's very hard to leave this city and come back and find somewhere to live unless you have a lot of money. Prices just rise and rise. I'm not sure I'm ready to relocate, but it's a fantasy.
New Yorkers are slaves to their city, we are so CODEPENDENT on it!!!! The thought of moving anywhere where I would have to drive again is alone enough to give me an anxiety attack.

Sometimes I think there's some wierd way that brings the abused together, like me and my ex. I have a feeling something happened to him, and his family history is a mess. There's some weird dynamic. Also, I think sometimes I can spot things in people, and I'm not sure others are as sensitive to it. I'm no psychiatrist, but there are some behaviors that some of the kids I work with display that are worrisome.

Some kids have no sense of personal space and crowd you, which is at very least annoying when you are working... but age appropriate for them if they are tiny. They just need to be told to back up. When they are preteens it makes me wonder. Recently I had to tell a child to give me space, back up, and stop blowing in my ear!!! WHO told this kid that was appropriate behavior? For a fifth grader I was scared she might just interact with adults at home like that (for other reasons I wont go into, I know she's having trouble at home). I kept telling her to stop, she kept doing it like she was playing a game. I said "Stop it. NOW. Listen, what you are doing is more than just annoying, it's inappropriate and if you try it again you are going to have to leave." A little severe, but if she did that to someone who took advantage of her then what? I hate this. It makes me really freak out because my father was a teacher and I worry about what happened when he was working since I KNOW he has no boundaries.

Once I was hospitalized for binging on drugs, being suicidal and a general breakdown. One of the psychiatric nurses as it turned out was a friend of my aunts (father's sister). I was telling her of a disturbing memory I had when I was at a family picnic and my father was whispering in the ear of this little girl and she was uncomfortable (obviously). I was mortified, but too young to react with anything but silence. I froze. I didn't speak for the rest of the day. When I mentioned it to my mother she said something like "oh you just remember that because you were jealous." WTF?

So as I'm telling this nurse the story, you know what she says? "OH, THAT WAS MY DAUGHTER!" Jesus, I was such a mess and in her care so I never found out the other end of that story. But how horrifying.

Yes, it's crazy that I still love my father. But sometimes I hate him too.

brynnie, I will look for your thread. Thank you for your sweetness.

April 4, 2007
8:31 pm
Avatar
hopeful for change
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

That's the whole screwed up part, these people who we love hurt us. Then we learn some scrwed up idea of love. I have had a lifelong ordeal with problems with my father as well but not sexual abuse, and I did have to go years being away from them.

Did your father ever admit what he's done. Did he ever show emotion and sadness and act remorseful?

April 4, 2007
10:57 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((((Muzzie)))))

Where have you been? I´ve missed you!!! I´m so sorry that you´ve feeling bad. I worried about you cuz I don´t check all the threads and so I didn’t find you!

IMO, you need a little TLC to get back on you mental feet. And then you can donate that too if you decide :):) Not making light of your issues. Just thinking sometimes we try to analyse things too much. Could it be to way get away from our really inner issues which is up to us to resolve?

I read about your depreciation of yourself and it feels so wrong. Isn´t that the worst kind of abuse we can do ourselves? Is it punishment for what we did(n´t) do?

Sometimes therapy can´t help us. It may be the type of therapy, the therapy or both, it may be us… I know therapy sometimes seems to me as the story of Adam hiding out for being naked. I guess he did his therapy, took his clothes off, got to his real issues, solved none, then felt worse and hid. Some ppl are gonna say I´m blaspheming but I don’t mean, too. I made this analogy cuz Adam ate from the tree of knowledge.

You know my issues are different than yours but I empathize with you on that we´re both feel very lonely. That combined with our issues and depression is really a tough fight for life. Then making friends is gotten more and more difficult. But you have a dog. That´s a start. Perhaps you can join a group in painting or something. Maybe try some yoga group. Anything that will get you out of the house. Cuz if you´re depressed like I am, we could rotten in bed… I am going to repeat myself. Don´t get rock bottom. You don´t need to get there to start recovery (specially if we remember our life threatening events). I won´t know that you´re dying in bed or the futton. I won´t be able to pull you out.

And I very much like the cyber friend Ella I have here! She´s beautiful inside and out. She´s humorous, kind and lovable when she´s not suffering! She is concerned with me, people, with her sister. She´s appreciative of her brains and a little too depreciative of her mental health.

That´s for starters!

She had some tough times with her parents, but she still loves them. She´s trying to remember she´s more than half the genes she´s got from her mother and half the genes she´s got from her father. She´s more than the sum of those genes. She´s unique but not a favorite of HP cuz HP doesn´t have favroites. But she´s special.

Yeah, running away like mad. I did that and "no matter where you go, there you are"

Stay with us, Ella. We love you!

hugs

April 5, 2007
1:13 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Excuse, Ella, my convoluted thoughts. You write so much more clearly. Did you know that? And with a lot of empathy.

How did I get Adam into this. Oh, yeah, he ate from the tree of knnowledge, did all those things, not necessarily in that order, he maybe had an "insight", a "feedback", a "third eye opening", an "aha" experience... and look where it got him! So let´s take it easy on ourselves with the shame, guilt and other feelings that help our self esteem. Ok, name it to tame, but just to tame, not to dwell on it.

BTW, Ella, I stopped my my therapy, or better, changed therapists. So I´m talking from "taht" perspective.

hugs

April 5, 2007
1:31 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Did your father ever admit what he's done. Did he ever show emotion and sadness and act remorseful?

No.

April 5, 2007
1:43 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Sininho,

Hello there.

Thank you for writing, it's good to hear from you again.

I feel I am and have been working on my recovery (in many senses of the word) for a long time. My therapist has helped me a lot, I really need therapy. That's not the problem! The reason why it feels bad for us sometimes is because it makes us think about things we wouldn't think about otherwise because it's too painful. But those things need to be faced. The pain after therapy means it's working (and believe me no therapist told me that). The problem I have is not that I don't think it will work, it is that I think the job is too big, that it will take too long. And frankly, I'm pissed that I have to endure the time inbetween. I know that's juvenile.

It is no small wonder I look back on the time I was getting high with my ex as being a brief respite, the best I've ever felt. I was in oblivion. Total denial of everything and numbing myself. I always miss the drugs, sometimes lately I even miss my ex. Doesn't that suck? And I thought I made progress.

-ella

April 6, 2007
12:18 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Gee, Ella, it seems the tougher the times the more we beat ourselves for them!

First, all the addictions need to be seen for what they are: disease. Not that it makes all the behavior tolerable but in the case of our fathers, and of ourselves, it helps us see us as humans beings.

Try to discuss with your therapist about the pain your therapy brings up in you. That too is part of the process. Something that comes to my mind is... what about the rest of your family, do they do therapy? How do they see you for doing it? Are you doing for the welfare of the family? So at least some liberation will happen?

I don´t like to see you taking more of a burden thatn necessary. I admire you for working and living alone with a dog, trying to set up boundaries with your family.

So what that you need their help? For whatever. If they love you, they´ll do as they can. Maybe they want to keep a escapegoat in the family, there you are. If they want to keep the dirty wash of the family hidden, there is your apartment. I don´t mean to be harsh and play psychologist. Im kinda playiang the devil´s advocate cuz if you feel bad, something still is bad. I find it unbearable to take steps forward when we are beating ourselves down. You have seemed pretty down. I hope you can pick yourself up a little, my cyber friend. Hugs,

April 6, 2007
1:19 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

No, my family is no longer in therapy any longer. Mom dropped out very early in the game, she couldn't take it. She wanted to think she was blameless and all the problems in our family were because of me. I love my mom, but she is thick and not at all introspective. My sister goes to therapy and only accepts what she already agrees with. I can't see how she's getting much out of it.

My father says he was going to therapy long before I ever had problems. He stopped going because he said they just kept telling him simplistic things like "take a vacation." Probably not the whole story. More like they told him things he didn't want to hear.

I have a disturbing memory of my mom and grandmother (her mother) coming in from the car with a white cloth (towel, tshirt, underwear? I remember it made me uncomfortable) partially wrapped in brown paper. She was angry and my grandmother looked upset. My mother said to my father "YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF EXPLAINING TO DO." And the said nervously "That's... from doctor ...(so and so's)." I have no idea what that was about but I remember feeling weird about that exchange. So they had problems way back.

I don't know, what would be the point in bringing all this up now to them? It would be awful. I rather just hash it all out on my own with my therapist.

I don't see what my father did as an addiction. It's worse than that. He's all to forgiving (go figure) of sexual predators calling it a "compulsion." NO. A "compusion" is biting your nails, or smoking. Not abusing your relationship with someone else. That is pathological.

I dread Easter. I have this big vaccuum in my life where my old friends and boyfriend was. That's why I'm so reliant on my family. Yeah, I have work friends, school, etc, am looking into joining things, etc... but these are babysteps and I am lonely now.

I wish I had someone here on my side. I even now wish I hadn't left my ex just yet. He was completely seperate from my family. Maybe he was abusive in his own way, but I feel like I will never get out of this. Besides, I'm lonely and everything lately reminds me of him. It's been a year and three months (not including the times he attempted contacting me and I didn't let him). I'm getting weaker. What will stop me ultimately if I cave is that downstairs they have a picture of my ex because I had him banned from my building. Can't re-neg on that deal.

-ella

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
23
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110914
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38535
Posts: 714196
Newest Members:
Striker1s, marcusz, Keara, Venn, Jolebio, loni89
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer