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in the spirit of being honest with myself
April 12, 2007
2:12 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi az,

Although I can't speak for Hopeful, but personally, I didn't see her "tarring" all men as being "unchangeable".

I saw her speaking of her own experiences with her ex.

Having said that, although people can, and do change....and I commend you for doing so.....it is not an easy process where one just says...."okay, I've changed".

Real change tends to be very difficult and at times downright painful and can take years for "healthy" behavior to actually become normal and/or natural for us. And that's for people who really, really want to change and work hard at it. In my experience (and education).....not a whole lot of people are willing to put the time, energy and discomfort necessary to effect real change. If they even realize that change is needed at all. Especially abusive people.

So although I agree that past behavior is just an "indicator".....it is a very, very good and generally accurate, indicator.

Lolli

April 12, 2007
2:45 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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no, it's not an overnight process.

having said that...I think that there are two kinds of change.

one is simply a growing up and maturing change...many people mature in time...and behaviours they had in their 20's resolve as they hit their 30's and so forth.

the other is change of a deeply ingrained behavioural pattern that grew out of our childhood and lifetime.

THESE changes are the most difficult ones...and often come when you realize you aren't getting what you want or need out of life and that you have the power to change that.

It is possible...but quite difficult.

Many of us here HAVE changed. I've seen it for myself.

That means that I have faith in people who say they want to change.

HOWEVER...if their actions don't match their words...and it looks like it's only lip service...then I have to decide if I continue on or walk away.

I know that I was a very mature person, but not very "stable"...I job hopped alot, I moved alot...I was impulsive and restless.

Now that I am older, it seems to have subsided and I am happy where I am at.

BUT - I did not "create" this thru goals and planning...it was just dumb luck, the way the cards were drawn.

And I got lucky finally.

My point is...there ARE many things that change easily with time. But the core of who we are, our self awareness, our sense of right and wrong, our value system, our beliefs, how we treat others and expect to be treated....those go back to infancy and are the most stubborn problems to correct.

BUT, it CAN be done.

It is not an overnight "I want to change, so I am a changed person" thing tho. It does take work and perseverence...and even then, there is a risk of "remission"...as our old habits do die hard.

April 12, 2007
4:37 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Rising,

When I say change is difficult, I personally, was not talking about the maturation process...... I was referring to changing unhealthy behaviors and patterns, abusive behavior, accepting abusive, unhealhy behavior, personality and/or character flaws, etc.

I have changed in many, many ways through the maturation process without much effort at all. However, changing some of the other patterns in my life has been challenging, difficult and painful to say the least. And after years on this journey..... I'm not even close to where I would like to be.

"Old habits die hard" is the understatement of the year! LOL

April 12, 2007
4:59 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Lolli,

I did realize that was what you meant.

For argument sake, I figured it would be worth bringing up the maturation process, only because...some people, who lack the knowledge and awareness, would look at you and say "I HAVE changed"...and mean it.

And what they really did was grow up...and that happens.

Someone could come in here and say "I changed my ways since I was a teen"....yeah, many of us do....but those aren't the changes we talk about really.

I just brought up both sides of it for clarification I think.

April 12, 2007
5:11 pm
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lollipop3
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Gottcha......

I read what you wrote over on Lib side....I hope everything is okay?

April 12, 2007
6:36 pm
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turnabout
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Well, I think past behavior is an indicator until a person shows new behavior. Then the new behavior starts accumulating, eventually becomes past behavior, and then it gets to be the indicator.

And that's what we call PROGRESS!!! LOL

April 12, 2007
7:32 pm
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lollipop3
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Good Point Turn!

April 13, 2007
1:46 am
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az_gilbert
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Turn - I agree with lolli - Good Point.

April 13, 2007
10:16 am
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risingfromtheashes
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lolli....my breach of privacy is NOT okay...and my loss of ability to speak freely here is NOT okay.

But this is why the SC preaches so much about privacy issues.

I will be ok...and will keep posting...but refrain from using any of my own personal stuff here.

I just don't feel safe.

April 13, 2007
11:04 am
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reachingout
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Rising

I am not sure what happened of O missed a post or what.How was breach of privacy broken.I know that no one on this or any other thread means any harm I think everyone supports you and wishes you the best what ever you decide just pointing out some things to you to try and help.You have felt safe here for a long time and I think you still can.I have enjoyed reading your post some funny some heart felt going through life with you I want these threads to go back to the sisterhood it used to be..Everyone to feel the love

April 13, 2007
11:09 am
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reachingout
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Rising

Sorry I just went to other side and read what you wrote.Anyway I got to tell ya how much we cared.

April 14, 2007
10:50 am
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taj64
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well since you know he is out there reading your threads why not just leave him out of any thread anyway, stop comparing him and mentioning him. He is only reading to read about himself. I doubt very seriously he is interested in what you are actually doing with your life and probably is only interested in the writings about him and to be honest, I'd say if I was in shoes and reading about yourself this way, he probably is pretty angry and has a need to react in someway and that is to send nasty emails that he knows you will read. It appears to be on both sides of the fence. I tihnk there is possibility in subconscience of yours that he COULD be reading, you know this. It was easy to figure you out even with the screen name change. I think yoy mentioned way back that he knows you were on this site, he is bright and figured out easily your screen name. He is trying to get at you right now. And to be honest as well, you are pretty out there and open about your sex life on another thread which is fine that you do that but you have known there is a possibility he is out there lurking. Your threads are pretty graphic at times and ANYONE in the world whether they post or not is reading them. It is fine to be open yes I agree but in the spirit of being honest myself I have to wonder is it necessary to be this graphic about your sex life on a counseling site? Im not trying to be mean or anything like that but it crosses my mind and for a former lover to be reading graphic details of someone else in your life and then comparing them to him must be difficult to read for him. Id have to admit if I knew anyone that knew me on this site and was reading the most intimate details of my life this way, I'd be feeling cringeful. On the other hand, this is a valuable place for you to figure out your current relationship, stick to that I'd say and you won't be so jeapardized. As far as him contacting you, just block or change email etc find way for him not to get to you. I always thought myspace is not a good place adn that is perfect place to find people that don't really want to be found. I really think you can get around this guy the ex in your past. I don't really tihnk he is abusive type just hung up on probalby reading some very bad stuff about himself that he doesn't want to face or admit. Don't let it get to you, cause he really is out of your life. Focus on your new life. You can make changes where you need to. IF that means staying on here and adjusting to what you actually need on this site and take from that. And ignore him because he is your past and not your future. I hope you know I write this to get you to do some thinking as I wrote out what I perceived. And I honestly hope your relationship with this new guy either works out well or that you find what you truly do need if it is not him. Good luck.

April 14, 2007
11:05 am
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risingfromtheashes
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taj,

truth is...I never thought he would STILL be reading here.

yes, I knew he did once upon a time.

but figured I'd just post like he wasn't here, and he would go away eventually. It's been a year for gosh sakes.

Anyway, I don't feel right posting about my current situation anymore, cuz based on the email I got, he DOES care about it...he used the info to take jabs at me. He doesn't need this info. So, I am going to stop posting it.

And when I do post, I am now concious that he is reading it, and decide if it's something he can use against me, or not...then decide what to say.

it sucks.

And as far as myspace...AGAIN, I knew he COULD see it...but counted on the idea that he would get tired of watching my every move and trying to contact me.

I was wrong about that too.

But I didn't want his activities to keep me from doing what I want.

But now I have to.

Also, know that the sex thread is on the libs side...so it's not in the spirit of "counseling or support"...and it was moved over there so we COULD be as graphic as we need to be. Also know that sometimes, we all have our own anxieties about sexual situations, and it helps to know we aren't the only ones struggling with different hangups or such.

I DID block him....many times over...he just gets a new email and uses it....or in this case, knew my own email password and used my own damn account to contact me.

I have since changed all passwords and secret questions, so he can't access me again.

This is not just a guy who is angry cuz of what he reads here...this is a guy who is following my every move and hell bent on not leaving me alone.

After a year, you think he'd be over it by now. If I am such a big mistake and part of his past, like he claims in the emails...why not let the past die? Why keep following me?

Your post makes it seem like I am causing this...and I don't agree with that.

He posts all over the internet....on many different sites...and I have no reason to go looking for him there, look up what he is doing and such. I could...but I don't...cuz it's done...it's the past.

Bringing up things that happened, in the context of what happened in the past and how I learned from it...the mistakes I made and why....yeah, it helps others here to know they aren't alone...so I used it as examples...plus, I am still learning from those mistakes...in hindsight...so I post about them.

But I am surely not living in the past...only trying to learn from it.

Putting the past behind us is like not learning from history...and making yourself doomed to repeat it.

sorry, rambling...like I said, your post made me feel like this is my fault...that I am the one doing something wrong by posting here...and I don't believe I am.

April 14, 2007
3:42 pm
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taj64
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Oh rising I don't think it is your fault but I was pointing out some things to think about. You can believe me or not it it up to you. I don't know a lot of times I read on the libs side on that the sex thread and to me it looks like some girls gabbing about their sex life and not so much as anxieties about it. I saw something different sorry if you feel that way. I realize my view is different, doesn't mean mine wrong either. just didfferent. I don't think you are intentionally doing anything wrong, like I said just something to think about that is all. I wont post to you anymore if you feel like I am blaming you for anything cause I was not doing that. I re read my post and I did not see where I was putting any blame. Well good luck to you. Just thought I would let you know I read your response to my post. I had a feeling about writing my post would be seen as negative to you. I really intended on getting something different out there from what someone else might see. I can see that was not accepted.Anyway my time is slowly done here, myself. Im ready to move on myself.

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