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in or out part 2
September 5, 1999
11:36 pm
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rob
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I am in abit of a dilemma.
Certain people know about my sexuality but others dont.
I want to come out of the closet to everyone but I am scared to do it.
I dont know whether I can handle all of the attention and judgement.
At the moment I feel like I'm leading a double life.
I go out with my family and feel forced to have to invite females so that they dont think im strange or on the side and so they dont suspect anything.
I dont like doing it.
These girls I bring out are good friends of mine but I am embarrassed and ashamed to tell them.
I want to come out but feel too scared.
Also I feel that everyone will be ashamed of me.
I also have a problem with meeting new guys.
I have stopped going out to gay venues because they always created a problem for me.
Please offer me advice guys.
I would apprecite it.
From Rob in Australia

September 6, 1999
5:31 am
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daizy
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Rob, I can understand why you would be a bit afraid. Aren't you tired of living like that? The choice is yours. Coming out of the closet doesn't have to mean you must announce "I'm gay" to everyone. When you bring a friend to a family dinner, tell them it's a good friend - "Hi everyone, this is my good friend Angie", you don't need to offer more information than what is asked. Someone asks - "are you dating Angie" you reply "no, she is just a close friend".
Do you think your entire family would be crushed if they knew the truth? Could you tell your mom or your dad - one at a time? It may shock them because you've been "pretending" to be someone your not, however if they love you for you in the end it will be a tremendous wieght lifted from your shoulders.
I truly do feel for you in this situation. I often wish that all people were open minded. I also am in a situation much like you. Doing a lot of thinking myself and decided it's time to be honest with myself, and those who find out are not true friends or family. Take that into consideration - if family or friends who find out and they can't deal with it, well they are not worth having around.

September 6, 1999
11:43 am
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Anonymous
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Be true to yourself.

September 7, 1999
10:35 am
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rob
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thanx guys i do appreciate this.
thank you

September 7, 1999
2:59 pm
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Wendy
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Rob - this question of coming out to whom and when, etc is a very difficult one that many others have faced also. For me, I found my fears much worse then reality. I started slowly teling people after leaving a husband and really had no repercussions. I had decided that I would soon realize who was/is a true friend in spite of my liberation - as I am still the same person. And, as you possibly decide to come out, realize how enlightening and liberating this can be to NOT be phony anymore. Good luck!
wendy

September 7, 1999
3:56 pm
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Anonymous
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Rob: Maybe you should start a thread on homosexuality to educated and help those like yourself and to educate those who do or do not sympathise with homosexuals, in hopes to enlighten all. I think it would be great for you to open up about your life and discovering that you were homosexual and it would be very helpful to other people who do or do not understand it as well as those who are also having trouble owning or understanding their own homosexuality. God bless.

September 7, 1999
9:51 pm
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newday
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Rob, I agree with Wendy - start slowing - but be patient with people. This is something you've known for sometime but it may be a shock to others. Those that love you will continue to love you even after they know. My daughter came out at 15. I had to let go of all my dreams about a wedding, kids etc. so I was hurt for my own reasons for a while. But I never stopped loving or supporting her. My ex husband actual told me "either she goes or I go" but even he came around. I guess I believe that things will work out. Trust yourself.

September 8, 1999
8:37 am
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rob
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I AM SO SCARED
AND I THINK I NEED TO SKIP THE COUNTRY OR SOMETHING
I KNOW MY BROTHER WILL MURDER ME AND MY FATHER, I WOULD HATE TO THINK
VERY STRONG TRADITIONAL B/GROUND

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

IT IS VERY FRIGHTENING

THANKS TO ALL

THIS THING IS SO GOOD

I JUST WISH THERE WAS A MIRACLE ANSWER
MY MOTHER PASSED AWAY WHEN I WAS 10 AND I CANT STOP FEELING THAT SHE IS UP THERE LOOKING DOWN ON ME WITH SHAME
I HOPE SHE ISNT B/C I LOVE HER TO DEATH AND SHE MEANT EVERYTHING TO ME AND EVEN TO THIS DAY I MISS HER HEAPS

ITS A BIG PROBLEM FOR ME

I NEED TO OVERCOME THE SHAME AND GUILT OF BEING WHO I AM
I CANT ACCEPT IT MYSELF, I FEEL DIRTY AND YUK

I HAVE ALOT OF ISSUES TO OVERCOME
I AM EVEN EMBARRASSED TO GO AND TALK TO SOMEONE

September 9, 1999
3:08 am
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jonty
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hey..rob u sound like a very nice & a sincere person..coz u do care about ur family & people around u..take care coz sincere people are hard to find & each of them is precious...
Rob ..im no counsellor..but what i feel is that one does not need to provide explanation to all..
If u are gay..then its coz a part of your mind has a particular orientation (ive also read that its genetic ..).
So coming back to the point...according to ur mind there is some positive intent behind such thought processes...thus i feel that unless u r really HARMING ur self interms of ur growth, spontainiety towards things & happiness..do not bother about cultural constructions of Rights & Wrongs. These cultural constructs have been created for particular reasons as for example "the sanctity of a man - woman relationship" has been glorified inorder to ensure continued existance of mank(woman)kind & also to ensure the continuance of societies power relations, social fiber, etc. etc. etc.
There can be innumerable reasons why certian belif systems are promoted as "eternal truths". If these "eternal truths" do not serve u , disown them coz one should not delienate the limits of their happiness based on other peoples constructs. OK.
Thus u first need to grasp the politics behind such belif systems...be convinced about ur own belif system...and realise that its only one small life u have.

Pl dont pile on people around u just to prove a point.
& anyway its ur happiness that matters & not ur brothers desire of who u should be with.

Honestly i wish & pray u r happy coz u have already seen too much pain. I also feel that ur mom really loves u coz u r her child & she has transcended the biases & prejudices of earthly existance.
Love urself & ur life.
Pl take care...i mean it.

September 9, 1999
1:03 pm
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Anonymous
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well said jonty

September 9, 1999
7:16 pm
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opinionated
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I think you are right. Your first step is to accept who you are and then it will be much easier for you to accept acceptance of others.

As a mother myself I wouldn't mind what sexuality my sons were as long as they were happy and not hurting anyone else. I'm sure your mum would feel the same so come to terms with who you are and be happy with yourself then decide with confidence to whom you disclose your sexuality at your own pace.

I had suspected my close friend was gay for a long time and he convinced me he wasn't. I was a little sad that he didn't feel able to tell me earlier, I know he found coming out painful but I would have liked to have been able to support him through the time he came to terms with it himself.

Good Luck and happiness.

September 9, 1999
8:50 pm
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Anonymous
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Dear Opinionated:

Any child would be blessed to have you as a mum.

September 10, 1999
10:18 am
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rob
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Guys thank you so much
Jonty it is so true, the constructs of earthly existence suck. I wrote down all that you wrote and will read it over and over again.
I couldnt grasp it all in the one hit.
I think as I go through my path of discovery and realisation and acceptance, I will slowly better understand it.
Thanks for telling me that my mom isnt ashamed of me, thats what i need to hear.
It's so hard and I am mentally torturing myself everyday.
Thank christ for this thing or I 'd go crazy!!!!!!!!!!
I need major therapy in being able to accept it and not feel such shame and guilt for being the way I am.

September 10, 1999
10:19 am
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rob
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Guys thank you so much
Jonty it is so true, the constructs of earthly existence suck. I wrote down all that you wrote and will read it over and over again.
I couldnt grasp it all in the one hit.
I think as I go through my path of discovery and realisation and acceptance, I will slowly better understand it.
Thanks for telling me that my mom isnt ashamed of me, thats what i need to hear.
It's so hard and I am mentally torturing myself everyday.
Thank christ for this thing or I 'd go crazy!!!!!!!!!!
I need major therapy in being able to accept it and not feel such shame and guilt for being the way I am.

September 10, 1999
11:26 am
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Anonymous
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rob you display a lot of black and white thinking, generalizations and unnecessary guilt. All of this can contribute to "Major depressive disorder" and other emotional disturbances. Please get help for yourself, before things go too far. We care. I love and accept you just the way you are, after all god created you this way, honor him by honoring yourself.

September 14, 1999
10:40 am
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rob
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its easier said than done
but today was a big step forward
i told two of my closest friends and they cried and walked off on me and did not support me
i have probably lost them i think

September 14, 1999
1:23 pm
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tamtam
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Be yourself! That is the number one thing in life, along with loving yourself. LIFE IS TOO SHORT! Do what makes YOU happy. Don't worry how others think. It will all blow over in time!

September 14, 1999
8:34 pm
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Anonymous
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The friends that stay are your TRUE friends. We are all proud of you!

September 15, 1999
10:58 am
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rob
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im proud of myself
my friend michelle e mailed me and told me i was digusting and mean and a nasty piece of work for going on 27 years of my life not telling her
i suppose she has a point
i pointed out to her that i didnt feel the need for anyone to know and that i was in denial for so long
its amazing how they say you r still the same person
yeah right

i am being alienated
i also have been talking about gay issues more to my family
my sis is beautiful she knows, and she is funny.
it is our secret
that we know

my father and brother can never find out they will kill me

they r from that very ethnic b/ground
i will have a problem for life i think

September 15, 1999
11:37 am
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Anonymous
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Good for you, if you feel unsafe around your brother and father, I feel great sorrow for you. IT is a sad day when our lives are threated by our own family members. I feel it is important for you to connect with other people who understand what you are going through. There; should be some gay support in your area, is there now?

September 16, 1999
9:00 am
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rob
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yes lots of gay support. But scared to go incase i bump into someone i know.
Is there any chat lines on the net or in this website for me to talk???????

September 16, 1999
9:01 am
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rob
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yes lots of gay support. But scared to go incase i bump into someone i know.
Is there any chat lines on the net or in this website for me to talk???????

September 16, 1999
9:01 am
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rob
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yes lots of gay support. But scared to go incase i bump into someone i know.
Is there any chat lines on the net or in this website for me to talk???????

September 16, 1999
9:01 am
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rob
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yes lots of gay support. But scared to go incase i bump into someone i know.
Is there any chat lines on the net or in this website for me to talk???????

October 4, 1999
9:52 am
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rob
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please let me know where there is support on the net
for me to visit and chat
thanks for all your advice
i have been to see a psychologist who is very expensive and who is very good
I AM BROKE though haahahhaha
oh well but happy and i thank all u blessed people out there who have made my pain so much easier to deal with
its great to let it all out

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