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In my mind.....
September 26, 2000
12:02 am
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GlorynGrace
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September 29, 2010
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I'm just a girl. That's all I can say. But nothing that I say REALLY matters cuz I don't think anyone is listening anyway. My mom thinks she is but I'd have to agree with her before I could say what I really want. I'm afraid I'd blow my father away with my new found maturity if I talked to him. And my friends, well, I say what they would say. But I guess my real problem is...anxiety. My head pounds with worries and guilt and fear. Calm down, it's gonna be okay. I say that over and over in my head but I can't even listen to myself. That's the problem, my head...but the conflict is love. Future, love, and peace. I'm only 17 and all I really want in life is someone to hold me and tell me that I'm worth holding. Me. No matter who I really am. I'm worth it. I tell my parents I need counseling but they deny I have a problem. Well they don't live in my head. My boyfriend is there and I would give my own God for him. Because he's there. I would rather be sick and dying with him than be alone again. At least he holds me. If he leaves me, I'm afraid of the pain. Someone told me God will never give us more than we can handle, and wether I believe in God or not, He better not take my boyfriend away, cuz I can guarantee that is way more than I can handle. Sometimes it's nice to talk. I tried writing in a journal, but my pen can't keep up. And the worst part is when I feel the need to go back and read what I wrote 6 months ago. I start hating myself. Whoever that is. I read about the last boyfriend I vowed to give my life to. And the one before that and the one before that. I'm never content. I pray for those times when it's boring. Just plain boring. The times when I don't have a rock hard pit in my stomach and thousands of worries flying like gun fire through my head. "Does he care about me...Do my parents know me...Am I getting carried away...Should I just drink my problems away...What am I gonna do with the rest of my life...(and the worst one) Am I crazy? Am I normal? What is wrong with me??? So I guess my problems are nearly as some others out there..but all I got to say is "It's my mind and I gotta fix it before I lose it."
And you can quote me on that.

September 26, 2000
1:08 am
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single mom again
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I am 29 and I remember being 17. It is hard, very hard. I know the feelings of being alone and no one understanding. I have two very youg children and their father is gone with his new girlfriend. There are days I think that I won't make it but I always do. And yes, it is hard to believe, but God will not give you mpre that you can handle. It takes a while to realize, but you are worth everything and you do NOT need anyone else to validate you. Before I had kids I turned to drugs for "help". All I got was Fired and a $8000.00 rehab bill. I know things seem really bad at times, but they do get better. I also know having someone there to hold you in wonderful and the thought of losing them hurts more that one can say. I feel that way myself now. But I have myself and always will. Just remember, be true to you. This world can be cruel if you let it. As for your mom, try calling the local health department for counseling advice. It should be free. I am learing I have to love and respect myself before anyone else will. Life will get better. Hang in there.

September 26, 2000
6:07 pm
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GlorynGrace
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Thank you so much. Everything everyone says makes me feel just a little bit better everytime. It's so hard to just hang in there. It's so hard to just keep going and say who cares. That little pit in my stomach feels like the end of the world. I know growing up is hard, but I wish I could just get past it already. Thanks so much for your advice. It's nice to hear I'm not the only one anymore.

September 27, 2000
12:08 am
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single mom again
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Hang in there was such a awful thing to say. I meant it in the best way possible. I wish I could do so many things over in life, yet I can't. When I was your age no one could tell me anything. I thought that I knew everything. I am proud that you are reaching out for help. I wish I had years ago. I am learing that I need to be and I am GRATEFUL for life and all I do have. My family, children, friends and my beliefs. I do not attend church on a regular basis, however I do thank God for all he has given me. I see that there are a lot of people in this world that have a great deal more to contend with than I do. Live each day for that day. (and hang in there)

September 27, 2000
12:46 am
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lazydazy
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Ahhh...growing up. It's so wierd that you wrote this because I've been looking for a place to write kind of related. It's hard for fathers to understand their little girl has a mind of their own. I honestly think some men will never learn to relate. My father never did. He was my superman when I was little..i learned later that his high wasn't from his cape but some white stuff he snorted in the bathroom now and then. My mother is one of my best friends, I tell her everything but she has a problem of putting me down for everything I do, she doesnt understand me-few people do. So what did I do? I left home at 18. I've always been an old soul and believe I handled it better than most people could have. It's been five years now since then and i've been handed one lousy card after another. But I have to say that i've been fighting luke skywalker-style and haven't given up.
The hardest part is feeling like your not part of a family. I feel so lonely, I would rather have my disfunctional family back than have this emptiness. I felt safe with them, even if my self-esteem was so miniscule-no stress from paying bills, my mom always made me feel like everything would be alright, we were always doing family things. But I love my independance and im just "here" now. I"m starting my life for myself. I'm just tired of fighting all of the time. It seems like all the people I went to highschool with have things real simple, they have their problems too, but not like how it's been for me.
I've been there jumping from one relationship to another, now i feel like im hanging on to something that is just not "there"anymore. Just for the touch of his skin next to mine and knowing that there is someone there that loves and cares for me.
I'm there with ya, living through anxiety and fears-i still feel like my rainbow is yet to come, i'm sure that yours will too.
Oh=by the way, talk to your counselor-its the best thing to ease your fears!

September 27, 2000
6:38 pm
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Molly
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Lazy daze, I have a friend who made a family, there are several close friends of his and they are all loners, its the best family dynamics that I have seen, we all need to feel connected.

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