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In Love with Another Married Man
January 20, 2005
2:21 pm
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restless
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hi sixfootorange! rofl right with ya! I bet you would get lots of attention with orange hair! But hhmm what color highlights to go with the orange. Let's see...how about BLUE..no wait...BLACK ...no..too halloweenish...i know..PURPLE! Now that would be beautiful. Now you've jumpstarted my silly mood. Thanks! I got my hair trimmed last night. She got it a little short for me, but oh well, only hair and it will grow back. Noticed my roots are showing through very boldly and it's only been a few weeks! Now I need to go back for highlighting before I was due for the next cut. That schedule is thrown out of balance like the rest of my life! Oh well. I could have bigger complaints. But I won't. 🙂 Btw, My friend emailed me late morning and said he was 1/2 way through the paperwork he needed to finish up by deadline. Don't know if I'll hear from him before Monday now. Yow know, I'm feeling a lot better about everything than I was last week at this time. Still don't know what I'll do with whatever he tells me but I've decided I'm not going to stress myself all out over it for the weekend. Glad you are having an interesting day!!

January 20, 2005
3:05 pm
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I like your viewpoint today. It's true, wait and see and then deal with it. Right? That's all you can do anyway.

Work is draggin way slow this afternoon. *yawn* Makes for a long day.

January 20, 2005
3:54 pm
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KNOW what ya mean. Thankfully it's almost time to go home!

January 24, 2005
3:14 pm
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not having a good day

January 24, 2005
3:19 pm
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will someone please tell me that it's possible to have a relationship with someone and be able to actually feel like you can openly communicate. i mean are there any men out there willing to express themselves to someone else and really open up? why do i always think relationships should be something that they aren't? why do i always believe that there is actually something there when it turns out that there really isn't anything there at all? why am i always so willing to be open to others only to have them shut me out? why do i keep doing it over and over and over again? is there something wrong with me?? venting...

January 24, 2005
3:52 pm
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tired of being hurt

January 24, 2005
3:55 pm
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restless,
you sound like me. I'm always thinking that there's something there only to end up getting hurt. I don't have any answers for you. I'm currently trying to figure out my problem with my ex and the games he's playing. I don't really think there's anything wrong with you. You sound like you're a very caring and open person....and that's a good thing. Maybe you're just choosing the wrong men like I tend to do. Hang in there! I know it hurts.

January 24, 2005
3:59 pm
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thanks. why do they say things and then act like they didn't? refuse to even discuss the fact that they said things. tired of the games too hurts. i'm going to assume that there are men out there who don't play them but so far i haven't found one in my lifetime. do they not know that it hurts or do they just not care? i know there aren't any answers to the questions i'm asking. just wondering if i'll ever get out of this black hole i'm in. spiraling down hill all because i believed in someone. someone who ended up being nothing but a game player and a liar. sad part is i don't know how to end it even though i know i have to. i still love him and i disgust myself. i deserve better treatment than that.

January 24, 2005
4:21 pm
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If anyone wants to tell me-I told you so-go ahead. I kind of feel like I deserve it. Stupid.

January 25, 2005
10:58 am
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six foot blonde are you there today?? anyone??

January 25, 2005
11:09 am
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Hey restless! Sorry, I haven't been on.

So what happened? Wow. You are hurting, what happened? I gather he won't discuss his comment.

A thought for you today -- "people can only take away your happiness if it you give it to them."

I know in my life I've too often set people upon a pedestal. Why? I dont know. They always prove to have feet of clay. And, I am always surprised and hurt. I am learning to love and value myself, then I dont feel the need to put so much value in the opinions of others, or to need things from them. If someone lets you down, try to understand that it's not about you. It's about them. Why is it your problem? All that you need to worry about is dealing with it in a healthy way for you. Why they did it, what you "could" have done - bah! Forget that! Who knows why, some people are just asses. End of story. What could you have done diff - that was an old fav of mine. Until one day it dawned upon me -- that's my old arrogance of assuming I have any control over anyone but myself. I dont. I cannot control the actions of others. In understanding that, I also let go of the self-assumed responsibility I used to feel. Crazy. Once you get it, it makes so much sense. Then you find yourself on a darker day, having to remind yourself, no, I know better.

Ok. Having said all that, I will now shut up and let you tell what happened. I am listening. Promise. 🙂

January 25, 2005
11:38 am
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Thanks for being here. Your message helps a lot. I know I can't control anyones actions. I'm just so upset with myself for believing the relationship was more than what it is. I don't understand how I could be so stupid. I really thought he was my best friend (what we always told each other) and we always talked about how wonderful it was that we could discuss anything with each other. Yea, until I want to actually discuss something. Let me tell you how yesterday went. Started off the same as usual, talk about our weekends (we didn't have any communication over the weekend). Finally I got the nerve up to ask him if he was going to reply to my email that I sent him last week? I figured he had the time because we were communicating back and forth a lot yesterday. He asked what email that was? I don't know if he was being serious or playing stupid. Well, I said the one where I asked how you felt about our situation and how you saw our future. I got no response on that but he just went on to a different subject. So I emailed him again and..this was probably really stupid of me...because I said "I am assuming by your lack of response to my questions that you would rather not discuss it". Still I got no response. So then I emailed him AGAIN (STUPID STUPID STUPID) and said "Could you please just tell me to let it drop so that mentally I can let it go". He replied "let it drop ....there i told you....feel better now?". Ouch. I haven't heard from him since. I can't believe I've had a 5 year relationship with this person. I don't even know who in the hell he is! Yesterday afternoon I was all set to get him out of my life once and for all. Today, I'm missing him. I can't understand how he can make such a switch in his personality. Then I start thinking it's my fault. Why couldn't I just let things be as they were. Maybe I was pushing.

January 25, 2005
11:48 am
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NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

You weren't pushing! You were excercising your right as a human being to ask for clarification about something HE brought up.

This man is into mind games. Bad. Girl, count your blessings you didn't toss everything to the four winds and leave your life and wait for him to follow. I think we know now that you'd be by yourself, twistin in the wind so to speak.

You aren't missing what you had, or who he is. You are missing what you THOUGHT he was, what you WANTED him to be. That's what hurts, am I right?

It's ok. Lesson learned girl, and like a wise woman on here named Zinnie says, he is playing with you like a cat does a mouse. Who knows why. Maybe for fun, maybe for an ego trip, maybe he likes to be loved and adored and those actually in his day to day life dont act that way because they see what you are starting to see.

I wouldn't beat myself up if I were you. You sound like a sweet person so how were you to know that this man was so devious? Most of us never have experience with people like that so it takes us a while to recognize it when we see it. It's ok. You are human. What matters, is from here on out, girl. Stand up and let go and move on, for your own health.

It's a fact that people bond quickly over the internet. I believe the reason is something about, we share more, sooner, in the written word than we would verbally in person. So a false sense of intimacy, of knowing a person, develops when really all you know is what is projected to you. You cannot judge body language, eye contact, the subtle clues we take in when we normally meet someone. It's easy to do.

You are ok. You are human. Dont be so hard on yourself. Life goes on -- just think how much worse this could have ended up. You know??

January 25, 2005
11:49 am
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Damn IT! please excuse my language. I hate swearing but my temper is a bit up. Or maybe it's just my frustration level. Just got an email from his saying he's swamped again but wants to "talk". Said he would be back to me in a bit. I don't want to talk to him but I also don't want to play the same games as he does. For the first time ever I don't know what to say to him or maybe I don't have anything to say. Should I stay his friend? I know now that no matter what he says, there's nothing more than that in our future. I'm questioning just what kind of friendship this really is though. One sided? I'm always there for him and he knows it. Told me once that I was such a giving person. Should re-phrase that to be such a giving doormat. Wow, I'm really venting today...again.

January 25, 2005
12:13 pm
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Sorry my friend, I wrote that last message before I got yours. Must have written them at the same time. I'm hearing you, I really am. I'm listening and everything you say makes absolute perfect sense. You are right. But I don't think I have the strength to end it. I KNOW now what the relationship isn't no matter what he might say. Maybe I'm the one that is using him in a way. Maybe I'm the one that needs to have him in my life for everything I'm missing. I'm addicted to him. I know that. But I don't know how to stop or maybe I don't want to or maybe I don't know how or maybe I'm just so confused and hurt right now I'm not thinking or seeing things clearly. I hate feeling this way. I hate knowing that my marriage stinks and it's not what I want for the rest of my life. I hate knowing that a person I thought I knew isn't who I thought he was. And yes, I'm missing what I thought he was. I hope you don't give up on me. I know I'm a mess right now. Just wish I had the strength to tell him off. That's not my personality though. I think my biggest problem in life is not the fact that I really let people tromp all over me. I don't really let them. It's just the fact that I'm so damn forgiving that I can't stay mad enough and it sends them the wrong message.

January 25, 2005
12:55 pm
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It's been said that we teach people how to treat us. And it's so true.

I just keep feeling, be careful of your heart. I think you are lonely and prob addicted to the attention this man gives you. Which is understandable.

But you may very well find now that the attention will ring false, now the shine is off the penny so to speak, you won't be able to take it at face value and you will wean yourself away.

Day by day. That's how it's done. Worry about today. Make choices today that you will not be ashamed of tomorrow. Live your life today as best you can and leave tomorrow for tomorrow.

You will be ok. You need to value yourself enough, to hold the line. Draw your boundaries and hold them firm. Have you ever done that? Written out what you need, and what you will not tolerate, in others' treatment of you and relationships of any sort with you? Try it. I did it about a year ago and it was so freeing. I saved it on my notebook in my email and sometimes I reread, to remind myself. It helps.

January 25, 2005
1:52 pm
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Hi Restless,
This probably sounds wierd because I am a man but your thread caught my eye as I am in a similar life situation. I am a married man and I have a good friend who is a married woman. Actually we are both happily married and our relationship has been completely platonic. We can talk very intimately with each other and this seems to work for us as neither of us can have that kind of emotional intimacy with our spouse. All that being said, even though we fget along so well, we are always running into the same problems. We start getting too close and then we both get scared and start backing off. We both do this and know we both do this but can't seem to be honest about it with one another so it turns into a game and we're both hurt. It is not good. I guess the point I am getting to is that I know you really like/love this man but he is obviously scared to loose what he has and so he is playing games with you. I like what six said, she is working to gain that kind of intimacy with her husband and I think that is the best course. I have been working at that also. I do have a wonderful wife and I love her very much. I think that with some time and patience, we can get to that level. My heart goes out to you, and my only advice is to take care of yourself and if that means cutting it off with this guy, maybe you should.

January 25, 2005
2:00 pm
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How did you get so wise?! 🙂 I really enjoy hearing what you have to say. Slowly but surely it's sinking in. I hope so anyway. I've never actually written down what I need or will not tolerate. Great idea! Do I share this with anyone or is it for my benefit. I'm actually afraid to share anything else with the friend. Hurts too much when it gets ignored. And I've told my husband what I'd like the relationship to be, asked him to go to counseling, and that is a dead end also. Because both of the relationships seem to be a dead end that is what is making me feel or think that I'm either asking too much or expecting too much. Maybe what is what I want out of a relationship is really just fantasy. It would be so nice to have happily ever after actually happen some day. Guess it never hurts to keep dreaming. I know I will be ok, its just these dang low points where all I want to do is cry. Thanks for being there today. God works in mysterious ways and sends angels when they are most needed. Makes me be a bit more positive just hearing how strong you are now.

January 25, 2005
2:05 pm
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Thanks I'm Tryin,
Really great to hear a man's perspective on the situation. Would you mind sharing more details of yourself with me? I've TRIED with my husband. We've been married 18 years. I've known my friend 5. I know it never hurts to keep trying with my husband but it never works out. He is so emotionally distant even though he doesn't think he is. I wouldn't call my friends marriage happy either. Of course, that could all be a lie and part of the game, I wouldn't really know for sure. Hard to trust anything that is said anymore. He says that the reason he gets scared is because he doesn't want to leave his kids. He only has one left at home at this point and it will be a few years before he is on his own.

January 25, 2005
3:02 pm
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He just wanted to tell me the problems of his day. "Needed" a sympathetic ear again. He just doesn't get it at all, does he?

January 25, 2005
3:19 pm
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My wife and I have been married for many years and for many of those years, I think I was like a lot of men. Didn't really want to share myself, even with my wife. Some painful things happened in our life and I went thru a period of depression so I finally broke down and went for help. My therapist was a woman and we really clicked. I was with her for two years and she showed me how satisfying emotional intimacy can be, she often said that it was much better than physical intimacy and I agree. I found that sharing myself with another person and having it received in a loving way was very satisfying and I also found that returning that was equally satisfying. The only trouble is that everyone is not on the same page with that. I found it difficult to have that with my wife, she just couldn't trust and be open like that, even with me. She is in therapy and working on that. I am hopeful that someday we will get to that point where we can be completely open and honest with each other about anything. Until then, I either have to go without or find it somewhere else which is what I am doing but it is so difficult to have that outside of our marriage. I have been open with my wife about my friendship and I have even told her what I am missing in our marriage and how I do get that need met from my friend. Sometimes I am not the most popular guy with her but I think she does understand and I assure her that she comes first no mater what. I make sure of that but jealousy does creep in from time to time which complicates things even more. Anyway, that is what is going on with me but keep your hope because there are men who are open and like to share themselves with those they love. There are men who change also, look at me!! You never know.

January 25, 2005
3:26 pm
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No, you never know. And i really like how positive you seem about your life. I really can't see my husband changing. I wish I could be open with him but when I start telling him what I need he looks at me like I'm a stranger and tells me that I should just be happy with what I have...nice home..healthy kids etc. I WANT MORE! For years I tried to get him to open up to me both intimately ...just holding hands etc...and emotionally. No go on either. If I would hug him after getting home from work and ask him how his day was he'd give me a quick hug and say ok. No further discussion. Never asked me about my day. After years of this I gave up. Every once in a while I'll think maybe this time and I'll try again with the same frustrating ending. I wasn't looking for it outside my marriage when I stumbled upon my friend. We clicked and the friendship grew and after 5 years it really was getting serious. So I thought. I should have known better. Even though I know it's not true most of the time I feel that all men are the same. Incapable of emotional ties. Or at least sustaining them. Sorry, I know it's not fair to categorize. Thank you so much for sharing with me. Every little bit of information I pick up in here helps in so many ways. Even having someone to just talk to to keep my mind off of "him" helps me.

January 26, 2005
5:29 am
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I can understand why you might feel this way about men. It is funny though, I feel the same way about women sometimes, it is normal to categorize, especially when we are hurt. I really want to be sensitive here, you sound like a nice gal and I feel bad that you are hurting and so hung up on this guy. The bottom line though is we can't expect other people to meet all our needs and to make us happy. That is a recipe for disaster. You are making yourself miserable. I know because I have done this myself. You need to learn to nurture yourself. I know that is easy to say and I'll be the first to admit that I am not perfect at it but I am trying. I see a therapist and am working toward being able to like myself and take care of myself. Everything else will fall into place eventually. I hope this note hasn't upset you more, I am just trying to be straightforward and honest with you. Hope you have a better day today and think about what I said OK? Take care of yourself, its the only you you've got.

January 26, 2005
9:11 am
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Your message is a very great start to my day. Thank you so much. You haven't upset me. I really like your honesty. I know I am making myself miserable. I know I will have days where I will probably go backwards but right now I feel very positive about how far I've come in just a couple of weeks since I've "woken up" and started seeing the relationship for what it is. Or what it isn't. I was too trusting, I see that now. Only saw what I wanted to see. It hurts to see the truth but I know in the long run I'll be better off. Now that I finally realize that I don't truly have a relationship with this guy, how do I end it? Just walk away? I still panic at the thought of not having him in my life. You sound like a really great guy tryin, thanks for sharing with me and helping me.

January 27, 2005
5:17 am
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Good Day Restless, how did it go yesterday? I see you didn't get any other posts, hope you had a better day. Are you asking me how to break up with your friend? If you are, I'm probably not qualified to give you a good answer but I will give you my opinion. Be honest, be straightforward, be firm. Try not to let your emotions take over and don't back off. If you do, you will end up in the same place you are right now and on and on. If you feel that this needs to end, end it. You don't need to explain yourself either, don't need to justify your actions. He knows how he is treating you, believe me. Once you have done that, then just stay away, no friendship, it won't work. Then, give yourself time each day to be alone and cry, every day until you don't cry any more. You will get thru this, many of us have had to do this and you will be OK. That is my opinion only and I'm not a professional, you do what is in your heart OK? If you are not in therapy, I really suggest that you give it a try, I mean it. It does wonders for many of us. Take care of yourself Restless.

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