Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
In Love with Another Married Man
January 13, 2005
1:26 pm
Avatar
restless
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I met a man in a casual chat room 5 years ago. We were both married at the time (and still are) and our relationship started out as strictly friends. This friendship has grown so strong over the years that we are both head over heels in love with each other. We've only seen each other in person a handful of times because of the distance between us. I'm ready to leave my husband and make a commitment to him and he says he dreams of the same thing but when I want to initiate a serious discussion about it, he backs off. I am torn right now between backing away from the situation and thinking of working on my marriage or fighting harder for the man that I love with all my heart.

January 13, 2005
1:38 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

have you found out why he backs off....and how is he when you met him live and in person, is he kinds, sweet, etc & have possiblities??? such as trust and progressing the relationship??

January 13, 2005
1:46 pm
Avatar
restless
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

He is sooo wonderful when I meet him in person. So loving and sweet. He's always loving and sweet. He's never said an unkind word to me and is always telling me how wonderful I am. Definite possibilities and trusting him has never been an issue. I guess I'm just getting so tired of waiting for him. I want to be with him.

January 13, 2005
2:00 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You can always stop having contact with him until he makes up his mind. It sounds like he is stringing you along. Put your foot down or nothing will change.

January 13, 2005
2:01 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ok Restless, is he "ready" to leave his wife??? that may be a reason why he is so hesitant. You could always just ask him honestly how he feels, and if he try's to brush you off, ask him again....he may have some communication problems if he is not willing to work this out with you.
Good luck.

January 13, 2005
2:43 pm
Avatar
restless
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I cant stop having contact with him. I would just miss him way too much and would be heart broken if I couldn't talk to him. He says he is ready to leave his wife but I am agreeing with you that he may not be and that is why he is so hesitant. We communicate very well on all other issues but I'm afraid to ask him to really express how he feels about the situation.

January 13, 2005
2:48 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Restless, if you don't ask then you may not ever know.....i used to be like this with my last relationship, afraid to ask questions, cuz in a way i was afraid of what the answer may be. I'd suggest being open and honest and asking, that's how you get to know more about a person...otherwise you could drive yourself crazy thinking of things you may think he is thinking and be way off track.

January 13, 2005
3:00 pm
Avatar
restless
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Camer, you are right. I guess I just don't want to ask because I want him to want to tell me. Know what I mean? I don't want him to think I'm "pushing" him. How do you ask someone when he'll leave his wife?? I still can't believe I let myself get into this situation.

January 13, 2005
3:03 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

are you having regrets on this relationship, thinking you are falling too much for him?? and not getting back what you want???

You could just casually ask him how things are progressing in his life with his "wife" and if he is getting a divorce soon....I mean you have been chatting with him for 5 years, which is quite a long time, and asking these questions would not be
weird.

January 13, 2005
3:26 pm
Avatar
restless
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

No, they aren't weird to ask. And maybe I am having some regrets. Mainly the fact that I am in love with a man that belongs to someone else. I am going to ask him tomorrow how he sees our future and when we can finally be together. Hopefully I'll be brave and follow through.

January 13, 2005
4:02 pm
Avatar
GeminiGirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Restless,

I started an affair with a 'friend' of 6 years and the affair lasted 9 months. He was divorced already but I am married. Because my job requires me to travel, it was easy to hide--we saw each other at least one weekend a month, sometimes a little more. We fell in love, and he treated me like a queen. He asked me WHEN I was going to divorce my husband of 6 years (with whom I'd been having problems over the past year--note that I never mentioned divorce before) so I filed papers in October. I was totally in love with this other guy. The boyfriend then got a little weird, and I didn't push the husband to sign the papers. I didn't ask the boyfriend questions either (I never did throughout the 9 months) because I either didn't want to scare him away (he was proud of his 'swinging bachelor' type life) or I didn't want to know the answer.

A week before Thanksgiving, the boyfriend told me he wanted to 'slow down'. Not breakup, not take a break, but 'slow down'. Note that HE was the one saying "I love you" 20 times a day, and telling me how we'd soon be together more. Then 2 weeks after that, he broke up with me. I found out (from snooping) that he had picked up with his ex from 2 years prior (who broke his heart!) and also took someone (I don't know who) to a New Years Eve party.

Thankfully, the husband never found out, and while we are still working out our issues, my husband has been very good and consistent about his changes. Basically, I got a miracle gift from God and got my old life back but even better, because of the changes in my marriage--my husband didn't realize it had gotten that bad, and "this was the wakeup call he needed."

I still miss the ex b/f horribly; we'd talk online every single day for 9 months, then on the phone a couple times a day, joking about how we'd "coo" into the phone with each other. I'm on antidepressents now and went into counseling for the first time in my life. I can't figure out why I'm missing him so much, he never met my needs (to be honest with myself). But my point is, in reading your post, I see the red flag--he doesn't seem committed to you, and it is soooo easy to lie in a long distance relationship.

Based on my experience with the long distance relationship, I think you are in love with the person he wants you to see, but possibly may not be who he really is. You don't really know until you live with a guy how they really are under stressful times. You mention about 'fighting for your marriage'. Do you want to? Does your husband want to? If so, THAT is what's real. I'd give that a try first, before you invest your time and energy in a relationship that may not be the reality.

I hope that helps. Please keep us posted!

January 13, 2005
4:15 pm
Avatar
restless
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

GeminiGirl thank you sooo much for sharing your story with me. Like you, I don't think my husband knows our relationship is as bad as it actually is. I've been married almost 18 years, my friend married 22. I would file for divorce in a second if he would ask me to, but he never has. He mentions being married to me all the time, but the last time I asked him when he thought we could make this real he just said that he couldn't answer that question right now. That was 3 months ago. I just let the topic go. We have taken breaks a couple of times in our relationship-a couple of months-to see how things went in our marriages. Both of us always end up coming back to each other. I don't think that I've mentioned in previous posts that there are kids involved in both relationships. I have 3 still at home and he has one left at home. I sometimes wonder if I'm in love with the idea of loving and having someone love me as much as he says he does rather than actually loving him. Being in love really stinks when it doesn't go the way you want it to. This really helps talking about it with someone. Please keep me in your prayers. I have a lot of thinking to do.

January 14, 2005
2:24 pm
Avatar
kc30
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi there
My husband had an affair and we have been working to reconcile and get to the bottom of things. One of the things my husband told me was that he never planned to leave me for the other woman- he didn't really want a committed relationship with her- but he wanted to keep her involved because the "high" he got from the affair was so intense (he's an alcoholic- very addictive personality) So he would give her "just enough" to keep her in, but would be sly enough to make sure that she knew not to push or ask for too much.

Is it possible the same thing is happening here?

January 14, 2005
3:21 pm
Avatar
restless
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

That is very possible the same thing is happening kc. It's just so depressing to think that might be true. I've give so much of my love to him over the last 5 years. Most of the time I think he feels the same way, sometimes I just don't know though. I love him so much. I don't know what I'd do without him but I do need to know if he's playing me for a fool. I can't imagine him not being in my life in some way but also don't know if it would be possible to go back to just being his friend. I'm so confused. I wish I knew what was going on inside his head.

January 14, 2005
3:27 pm
Avatar
SUSIE BABY
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

KC30 has it well put. sound's your in it more than he is. don't throw your life just yet.this man is giving you something that's missing in your life right now.have you tried talking to your husband? does he even suspect there's a problem?? men are not mind reader's! we have to tell them what we'er thinking, feeling ect.. good luck,susan

January 14, 2005
3:46 pm
Avatar
restless
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

He gives me the attention and compliments that I don't get from my husband ever. I've asked my husband to go to couseling. He says we are fine and don't need it. When I tell him that I'M not fine, he just tells me that I should be happy with what I have..good job, great kids etc. I need more in my life. This other man would be perfect for me, he's everything I've ever dreamed about. I suppose it all comes down to the fact that there aren't any "Happily Ever Afters" or fairytales in real life. I just don't know how to get over him and move on with my life. I get so depressed when I think about not being with him.

January 14, 2005
3:50 pm
Avatar
restless
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

We are both at work during the day and communicate constantly through emails all day long. I emailed him today and told him how I feel...again..that I want more in our relationship. I've told him in the past that I've wanted to be his wife. He said he wanted that too but coudln't say when that would happen. He even calls me his wife during communications sometimes because he says that is what I really am to him. Sitting here typing this it sounds like a game, doesn't it? Playing house? Pretending? Anyway, today when I emailed him and asked him that, he didn't respond to that email at all. Every other email he did but not that one. Maybe I'll give him the weekend to think about it and ask him again on Monday. I don't have a pushy personality and he knows I will probably just let it drop again.

January 14, 2005
3:54 pm
Avatar
restless
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ok, three posts of my own in a row but I keep coming up with thoughts. I don't doubt that he loves me but i'm doubting whether or not this is worth continuing. Maybe I should let the whole thing of it being any more than it is go and just enjoy the friendship (and sometimes more) that we do have. Any advice on how to lighten up a bit and just enjoy the great man that he is without pushing him? UGH! So confused.

January 14, 2005
4:33 pm
Avatar
sixfootblonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hey restless. just reading here and had a thought. you said you get so depressed at the thought of not being with him. but honestly girl, you aren't with him now, are you? just pieces, to keep you stringing along. is it possible that what makes you depressed at the thought of backing away from this man is that to do so would mean you were admitting defeat, that it wasn't going to work, and you have so much mentally and emotionally invested in this?

honest, girl, sounds like you are an ego boost to him. this has been going on for like five years? and he still backs off when you mention the same things he says to you -- ie, he can mention being married to you but if YOU bring up the future he clams up? how does that work?? doesnt seem fair.

i think it was kc who mentioned the addictive high, i forget but someone did. that high is easy to confuse with more lofty emotions. the elation after contact, the need for more, the fact that no contact means depression, the most telling of all -- when the longer between contact, the less it hurts, the better you feel about yourself. it's like a drug, a spell, a fire - even tho it burns, you just can't help yourself.

if it sounds like i speak from experience ... i do. not proud of that. just sharing in the hopes that it helps you a little. i empathize. i do.

January 14, 2005
4:59 pm
Avatar
restless
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

No I'm not with him. Not physically all the time. But when I think about not ever being with him I just can't see my future. When I think about my future I want so badly for it to be with him there is nothing else for me. I know that's true. I have a lot of time invested in my marriage, a lot more than in this relationship, but it's not my husband I want to spend the rest of my life with. I do have a lot emotionally invested in this relationship. We are SUCH good friends. I wish I could go back to that and then the hurt of not getting more commitment from him wouldn't be there. He does give me just enough pieces to keep me thinking that maybe things will change. I can't believe how much this helps to just talk about it and know that I have friends out there who are willing to listen and offer advice. Since I'm married I haven't confided in anyone else about being involved with this man.

January 14, 2005
5:12 pm
Avatar
restless
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

He gives a lot to me and enjoy my time with him. Maybe I should just focus on being happy with that and not so focused on wanting MORE. Don't want to be a doormat though either.

January 14, 2005
5:23 pm
Avatar
Alegab
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi restless- I read all the threads posted here. I am wondering since your husband refuses to go to counselling and thinks you SHOULD be happy with what you have, have you thought about going to counselling for yourself? That might be a help to you from someone who is objective and does not take sides. A therapist usually doesn't give advice but might be able to help you make your own decision by her "objective" observations of the situation.

My husband and i were in counselling for a while and two weeks ago he decided to "quit". He says it doesn't help him and its a waste of time. He rather bury his head in the sand than face the problems we are having. Believe me i am in over my head with problems at home and problems with this affair.

I am also in an affair. The difference is that this one has always been consistent in saying that he will NEVER leave his wife. It is me who is having a diffiult time letting go. I know what its all about for him and all the hurt and frustration I feel, yet i still can't let go. Its been nine months for me in this "agony."

I can imagine how painful it must be for you having been involved with this person for five years. Also, having a pretty much good relationship.

You might want to consider what i suggested above.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck to you.

Alegab

January 14, 2005
10:12 pm
Avatar
restless
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Alegab. I have considered going to see a therapist by myself. I thought if I at least had someone to listen to me about everything happening in my life it might make a difference in how I viewed things. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a painful time as well. I'm sure there will be peaceful times ahead for the both of us. We just need to stay strong and positive. I keep swinging back and forth today as to what I want to do. This has been an extra tough week for me. He's been so wonderful yet I still can't get him to talk about a commitment. I think I'm going to just concentrate on our friendship for a while. Wondering if he'll even notice if I stop telling him I love him. Big question is though can I stop telling him. As far as my husband goes I was thinking of initiating a conversation with him and telling him AGAIN what I need out of our relationship to keep it going and see if he'll listen. The only reason I would put any effort into my marriage at all is because of the kids.

January 14, 2005
10:19 pm
Avatar
betrayed30
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Just remember that the grass is always greener on the other side. Keep in mind that most men don't leave their wives. My husband had an affair and when it all came out in the open, he ended it so quickly. The other women keeps calling him and he tells her to stop calling. Men seem to love the "affair"
It seems so forbidden, making it so exciting to them.

Don't be afraid of the reality that he may actually never plan to leave her. You don't want to waste your life and time.

The grass is always greener and the chase is always better then the catch...TRUST ME!!!

Goodluck. You deserve to be happy but don't convince yourself that he's the only one for you. It's not true, it feels that way because he's not yours at the moment.

Hope you will find peace and happiness with your husband..

Goodluck to you, no matter what you choose to do, I support you.

You are in a painful and unhealthy situation. If you decide to walk away from the other man, keep in mind that time will truly heal, you'll surprise yourself..

Take care

January 14, 2005
10:28 pm
Avatar
restless
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks betrayed. I know that time does heal but I just cant walk away from him yet. I am nowhere near strong enough for that. What we have as friends is really good and he brightens my every day. I know there's that possibility that I will never have a life with him. Sometimes I'm ok with that. Does that make me seem cheap? Am I wasting my life and time if I really do enjoy the time I spend with him? I guess I am if it's taking my time and thoughts from my marriage. I just had one of those weeks where I really really wanted more from him (my friend) and once again didn't get it. It's been a continuous circle of emotions for 5 years. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I hope things are going well for you and you've found happiness in your marriage. I do long for that peace and happiness. Sometimes I think that I won't find it no matter which way I turn.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
49
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110905
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38534
Posts: 714189
Newest Members:
sendlv, ViolentFighterBrownCaveman, kbrfDazy, traceyob69, JohnMeave, EthanDiord
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer