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In love with an Addict
August 13, 2007
12:15 am
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moonkissed
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I know I need to let go ... I know I can't save her ... I know, I know , I know!!!

Why can't I let go?

She went out last night again. This is the third time she relapsed in a month after being clean and sober for 2 years. She still hasnt gone back to her apartment ( yes I've checked) I'm so concerned for her ..worried about her safety so I pray.

I know I cant do this anymore ---I'm exhausted and drained
So I say it like a mantra ... I can't do this anymore trying to convince myself
Meanwhile I think about driving over to her apartment again.
Help me!!!

August 13, 2007
1:21 am
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fantas
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Moonkissed, Love and her but let her go. She is an addict and letting go and letting God is the way to deal with them. Have you attended Caranon/Alanon? Are you willing to be on this roller coaster for the rest of your life? I feel for you...
keep us posted

August 18, 2007
7:44 am
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cailindeas
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Moonkissed
An addict can't function without someone else being dragged into their addiction. You are worrying about her and she is not worrrying about you. You are concerned about her and pray for her. She is concerned about her next drink. You are part of her addiction. I broke up with an alcoholic 5 years ago and he still drinks and at the time it broke my heart to leave him but I now know I would have been wasting my time. If he didn't quit after we broke up (I knew he loved me)then he wasn't going to. He loved booze more than me and with his failing health you could say he loved it more than life itself. Cut yourself off from this woman, if she is to be sober and face herself she must do it alone and losing you is a necessary consequence of her drinking. She might realise what she's lost and change but you can only have a relationship that means a damn with a sober person. Get some support and stick to the simple rule of 'I will not be with a drunk even if I love them'Helping rescuing and supporting only makes it easier for them to drink. A counsellor said to me that alcoholics drink to avoid the pain of life and that they only quit when the pain caused by their drinking is greater than the pain caused by life. I wish you well and send you love and light.

August 18, 2007
4:27 pm
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sweetgrass
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I totally understand where you're coming from....It has been the hardest thing in my life to let go of someone that is so special to me, & yet its taken me 4 years to truly look at the reality. That is where the pain comes ...looking at the reality of the situation & the consequences. I'm addicted to the unavailable, & pain...I grew up with a mother who was totally narcissistic...only thinking of herself, & using me. When you feel like you're going nuts, find someone who can help....Coda meetings, a therapist who specializes in substance abuse issues, books etc. Try looking at the consequences of hanging on to your partner......This is what we don't want to look at....being co-addicts ourselves.
Hang in there....You're not alone, even if you think you are....Sweetgrass

August 18, 2007
4:48 pm
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sweetgrass
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I think underneath our consciousness lies deep amounts of guilt,& fear, & therefore, we do not feel worthy of love. Think about what you are receiving from your partner.....pain, fear, guilt, anger....Maybe those are the feelings you are use to getting & are familiar with. The serenity prayer says it so well, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,to change the things I can & the wisdom to know the difference. I wonder if you're hoping, beyond hope, that things will change so you can stay with your partner. The first step is so right on, "I am totally powerless over others.".....I remember this saying about the alcoholic being married to his/her bottle".

August 18, 2007
10:33 pm
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hopeful for change
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Just remember you have no power over this illness or the situation. What helped me in times like this, is just giving it to God, praying he will take the anxiety and worry, and really giving it to him. You are powerless over it all.

Sometimes, we as codep want so badly to help the addict that we loose our minds. But we can't fix them, or there problems as sad as it is.

But, sometimes when we let them go and they don't have us to pick it all up or fix it for them, they wake up and get off it by themselves. Leaving my h was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, and after I did years later he got clean. But it took him loosing it all.

hang in there, get to a alanon meeting if possible, and try to detatch.

August 19, 2007
6:01 pm
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litterbag814
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I so can understand your feelings, my d/h will be headed to rehab from psych ward 2morrow. He has abused me and my children yet all I can seem to do is worry about how he will be. It sounds like you're not married ot her or have kids, I would try to detach now because the longer (17 years total for me) you're together the harder it will be. Prayers to you from one who truly understands the feeling you're having right now.

September 3, 2007
6:51 am
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moonkissed
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Thank you all so much for the support and advise.
Let me update you: I didnt go back to the apartment or call her. However she called me a few times and said I love you then hung up also said please dont leave me. On the 4th day she called and asked if I could take her to a detox ... I did .... she is now in a 30 day live in program.

In the last couple of weeks I have felt completly detached. NUMB. We've talked I helped move her take care of some things she hasnt been able to do because she cant leave the premises.

She tells me she loves me and wants to work things out. How she learning to love herself and wants to be on a better path in life ... blah blah blah. Things I've heard throughout the month of relapsing

The odd thing is - I havent missed her at all...until today.

It was so much nicer feeling numb
But this is my reality

September 3, 2007
10:46 am
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jasminum sambac
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Hello, Moonkissed

I wonder if the feeling of numbness comes from having put your feelings in a safe place, to keep them from being yanked around as you've helped her get into detox, and out of fear that what she says is what they call the disease talking. In a crisis, people do sometimes to have to go into a more neutral detached space.

Maybe this from Toby Drews' "Getting Them Sober" is a thought for you. Its from a chapter called "Be Gentle With Yourself" I'll substitute "addict" for "alcoholic":

"It's hard to do anything right during a crisis. And crises happen very regularly in an addict's home. When things are going well for a few hours, or a day or so (if you're lucky) your addict will pull another 'zinger' and it's like you had forgotten how terrible things could be. Once again you had settled into believing s/he might really get well this time. Whammo it happens all over again.

"This is a time to stop and think. YOu must learn to say to yourself 'This is a crisis. I'm not crazy. It is happening. ...I am going to do one small thing that can calm me down, at least for a half an hour or so during all this mess...

"If, in the process of your getting calm enough to make rational decisions about how to best live so that you can get some peace in your life, your addict decides to get sober, too, fine. If not, you've lost nothing by finding peace for yourself! There is no use in both of you going down the tubes. Save yourself. Be gentle on you. You've been through a lot. You need nurturing. Give it to yourself.

"Above all, remember you must learn to protect yourself emotionally and learn it is your right not to place your psyche in the hands of an insane person. S/he is sick, but you're not on earth to be battered by a sick person. It doesn't help him/her to be able to hurt you. In fact, it makes her/him sicker. If you learn to take care and be gentle with yourself, you will be helping her/him, in the highest sense of help."

I do hope that has some confirmation in it for you, Moonkissed. As you write about it, you're right smack in the middle of an intervention. I'd put my feelings in a safe spot, myself. You'll have to deal with them, let them out, but Drews also talks about emotional self protection in the middle of crisis..

All best.

I suspect others will have some more thoughts for you. Let us know how you are and how it's going.

Jasminum

September 3, 2007
11:54 am
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thedogsmom
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((moonkissed)))
I'm sorry for you pain which is ALL too Familiar. I too am in love with an addict. I tried all that I could to get him to change..withholding love-then loving him to death, lecturing- getting angry--giving ultimatems that I was never able to keep.
I finally realized that there was nothing I could really do to CHANGE him..cause Change has to come from 'within'.. I was literally going through the motions of life...and NOT living and enjoying life.. and getting ill in the process..neglecting my health..cause ALL I did whenever I wasn't working..was to rehearse the same stories and lectures in my head..over and over and over again!

NO way to live and it didn't help anything or anyone! Through the help of this site and a few good friends..I finally found the strength to make him move out. It was the hardest thing I had to do!!
but...It was the only way..I could begin to start taking care of myself..and focusing on me. And I feel so MUCH better and happier! and it shows!..

I'm not free of him yet. He is on my mind alot..and he still comes by frequently.. and I still find myself..
what I feel like is 'helping' him...but others say it is 'enabling'..by giving him gas money and food...etc..

I haven't fully let go.. I'm not sure I know how or what the right thing to do is yet.. but I DO know that the WRONG thing to do..is to continue to go in circles...and let the addict's life destroy your life.

Jas-- thanks for sharing..I really got something from what you wrote..

Good luck to you (moon-kissed). My advice like the others.. is even IF you are NOT ready to LET-it - GO..

to just put your focus on you! Put your love and energy into YOU first!
TDM

September 3, 2007
2:24 pm
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cailindeas
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Hi Moonkissed
I have been worrying about you!Glad your friend is in a programme. This IS your reality. If you are with an addict you do go from crisis to crisis. That is the deal as the others have said. The only way I could leave my alcoholic boyfriend was when my counsellor pointed out two facts which you might consider.

Number 1. I said I loved him BUT I didn't love him AS HE WAS.

I wanted him to change. When he was sober he was a great guy and to this day (4 years later) remains the nearest I've got to a perfect match for me. The problem was I also had to go out with the drunk him who was abusive unreliable basically DRUNK. I didn't want the drunk guy so I had to dump all of him as I couldn't love all of him. Also my counsellor said the only way he would be likely to quit was if I let him go so.....

Number 2 If the pain of losing me was bad enough he would get help.

It is only when the alcoholic suffers the pain caused by their drinking that they get help. They drink to avoid pain so helping them helps them avoid pain and they are then more trapped. They need to fall flat on their faces with their lives in ruins to quit. As long as they have a nice person who will help them they will never get the strength to change. My ex still drinks and staggers up to me in bars telling me how great I look and I just am glad I let him go. If he didn't get help after wailing down the phone for months and me responding with 'Get help and I will be your friend to start with'then he never would.

I actually think there is hope for your relationship but you must not act on hope you must act on the facts. She is a lapsed alcoholic and is in a programme. She is incapable of loving herself let alone anyone else at the moment. Her addiction tells her what to do and it is the nearest I have come to seeing a person posessed and while I have great compassion for those in addiction I will not let myself be damaged by them.

Get yourself some support and above all else be really kind and gentle to yourself as the others have suggested. Long hot baths. Buy only the best food and cook it and serve it to yourself with napkins and a candle. Get a massage. Go swimming. Take up any form of regular excersise. I know it sounds corny but it will allow you to be yourself for a while and to exist in your own skin instead of projecting yourself into the addicts head all the time. What are they thinking? Have they eaten? Do they miss me? Drag yourself out of the house and walk in the woods or go to the beach. Make yourself spend your time productively. Think 'What advice would I give to someone in my situation?' and then take it. You are great at giving advice and support right? so try turning it in on yourself. It's not so easy and you might even have sympathy for your girlfriend having to take all the advice from you. I am really on the final stretch in my recovery from co-dependancy, well today anyway;-). The biggest thing I learned was to respect where other people are on their path. Your girlfriend is a long long way back down the road from you. Shouting 'Hurry up!' won't work. Running back to join her will only mess you up. Let her go her own way and in her own time and carry on your path too. If it is meant to be when you are both well and whole it will happen. Maybe you will light her way! Love yourself moonkissed and your life will change beyond recognition. I really mean that and I'm not religious in any way!

Wishing you all the light and love in the world

XXX

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