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In love with a drunk and unhappy
February 17, 2005
12:54 pm
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curly
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It's 12:51 p.m. now and I am still waiting for him to call and still planning to go over to see him after work even though I am so tired. My friend says that when it comes to co-depedency what you need to do is the opposite of what you feel compelled to do (go against the compulsion). I'm trying but I wish I would just stop waiting.

February 17, 2005
1:04 pm
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kathygy
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You are not responsible for this man. He is a grown man and needs to take care of himself. He won't do that as long as he knows you will. So stop enabling him, stop giving him money and stop doing anything for him so he can grow up. You are destroying yourself to stay in this relationship. He is an alcoholic and needs to get help. But you can't fix him. He needs to want to get help and it doesn't sound like he's there. Leave this relationship and focus on taking care of yourself.

February 17, 2005
1:11 pm
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curly
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Leave this relationship and focus on taking care of myself...I am trying to do this. I am so tired physically and emotionally from all this caretaking. Financially I'm a mess too. Mentally I'm obsessing. I want the insanity to stop. I have to stop it. I read "the awakening" from another post about 3 times today so far and every word of it makes so much sense.

February 17, 2005
1:22 pm
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Anonymous
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I'm in love with a drunk who pretends he's happy. He never cares for me and pays little attention to me. How come's his friends seem to come first in his life? How can he want to spend more time with them than with me? I know drink is the influence. He keeps telling me he wants to marry me but I'm beginning to realise this is just never going to happen. He says all the things I want to hear but never actually does anything about it.

He stayed last weekend and we got on so well. I wish it was like that all the time. Two days later he was telling me he was going to a party with all his friends and I'm not invited.

I feel so used. Why does he not want me there when he says he wants to marry me? I'm just so confused and have been doing nothing but thinking about him and what he's doing without me. This is n't the kind of loving relationship I wanted. I feel so alone so much of the time. Help me please!

February 17, 2005
2:34 pm
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curly
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Faith and belief - I thought you were pasting from a post of mine from a couple of years ago but then I realized I wasn't aware of this site until last fall. This is how I felt with my BF. At the beginning, 2 years ago, he was supposed to take me out to dinner for my birthday because he got paid from a job - a job that I got for him by the way. I went to pick him up and he was half-pissed and angry at his friend because his friend asked him for money and now he didn't have enough money to take me out. I said "you could have said NO." I felt like his friends come first before me and I didn't like that. I gave him a wooden box for Easter for his paint brushes. He said he wanted to do a wood burning on it and give it back to me and it would be "ours" - it sounded so sincere and romantic. I was away at a treatment centre for 3 weeks and he wrote me a letter saying he had done a wood burning of a guitar on it and given it to a friend of his who was down in effort to cheer him up. "Hope you don't mind" he wrote. I was pissed off and hurt. I agonized that maybe I was way off base and selfish and afterall it was a gift and he could do whatever he wanted to do - but damnit - it hurt. Two years later he is still giving stuff I give him and even my personal stuff away to his friends or even people he has just met. He plays the big-shot or ingratiates himself to people on my dime is the way I see it. It hasn't chnaged. I just kinda got used to it. He will be so empathetic with complete strangers but when it comes to me and I have big problems he makes a koe or doesn't want to talk about it or just says something totally off the wall - I don't matter to him - I am invisible to him but then he can say those sweet romantic things I want to hear and I'm buying him something again. He takes me for granted. Well I have been supporting him for 2 years and I haven't gone over to see him since Sunday. He can call me but I cannot call him. I think this might be a waiting game to see who will give in first. Or maybe he has come to his senses and is waiting until he has a job and money before he contacts me again. HA! He's probably thinking "I don't need that B**** - I'll show her. She's held me up for 2 years..." See how crazy I am - wondering what he's thinking, playing the hold-out game, waiting for him to call, thinking about going over there...I hope I don't cave but I do want my guitar (is this an excuse?) and I am getting really pissed off at him. And ME!

February 17, 2005
4:33 pm
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curly
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It is 4:30 and time to go home. He didn't call again today and I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. It will be one of those "he never even cared" deals. He can turn to stone, I know it. I don't want to cave. I feel so sad. I want to have contact with him. I even emailed his mother in an attempt to have some contact with him. I could drive over there to see him and he would probably be OK with me but I know it's the wrong thing to do. All I have doen is enable him for all this time and I am not good for him either. No relationship is better than a dysfunctional one someone told me today. I agree with that but why does it feel so bad? Relationship withdrawal is the most painful they say.

February 17, 2005
4:45 pm
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Cici
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Sometimes you have to understand - these men are emotionally crippled. He may very well care for you - at whatever capacity he can. And that is not enough.

An addict cannot be in a relationship. Period. They are so caught up with their own addiction, feeding that demon, that they will sacrifice everything - including YOU - to make sure they can still catch a buzz.

Someone told me when I was breaking with my ex, who graduated from being a drunk to being a crack-smoker, that I had been living off scraps of affection, that I was starving, but I was so starving I couldn't see that the relationship I was in would never satisfy me...

Dearheart, you could be me a few months ago, or one of the two girls he dated after we broke (he cheated on one with the other!). You deserve better. You deserve a healthy man who can give you what you need. You just have to realize that you are worth it, too.

I also "fell off the wagon" after he and I broke, and I realized, going through withdrawals one day after a week long binge, that withdrawing from drugs and alcohol was like withdrawing from a relationship. You go through a phase where you are fiending, and I can still tell you I am on day 37 of NC, but it does get easier with each passing day.

I hope you find it within yourself, to value who you are enough to find the strength to pull away.

February 18, 2005
1:41 pm
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curly
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Friday afternoon 1:37 and 5th day of No Contact - just had a good cry. Wanting him to call, wanting to go see him but I know nothing will have changed. The last several times I was at the BFs I vowed it would be my last time. Each time I was amazed at how it was getting me nowhere and was a rut and yet there I was again. I feel compelled to go there but I just had a good cry instead. He hasn't even called! I get this "I don't matter to him/He doesn't even care/Doesn't he know I am hurting?" tape going on and I might just as well cry as do anything else. What do you think?

February 18, 2005
1:49 pm
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CAMER
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hi curly, i posted on your thread a few days ago..sorry you are feeling so much pain, you are on day #5 no contact, and I am on day #4 no contact....and playing the negative tapes of "he doesn't love me or care" doesn't help....try to understand your bf has an addiction, and that is booze, that is his choice...it numbs all the pain in himself and that reflects upon how he treats you...does that make sense?? you have put up with too much from him, he treats you 2nd best, and you should be first..and he is taking booze, which has no feelings or emotions over you, a real live person!!!! Cry, and feel the sorrow, and i hope somehow you gain strength thru all of this and know that you deserve more!!!

February 18, 2005
2:46 pm
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curly
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Hi Camer thanks for your post - so here we are, both at the early no contact "withdrawal" stage. I don't know if I am the dumper or the dumpee. I always thought it was better to be the dumper, the cat not the mouse. I am thinking/obsessing that he might be waiting for me to show up - I always do. I told him a couple of weeks that we needed to stop seeing each other and get our lives straightened out and he said, "you can't leave me alone - you wanted me to move out and you were over there the next night." That is true - I feel so pathetic. I want to disappear into achohol, run away or something. I just hate this bullshit. I just called his friend who tomorrow will be going over to the town the BF lives in. I told him to tell him to call me. Bad move eh? Now I will be even more hurt if he doesn't call - knowing he know I want him to. Always setting myself up for battering. OK I just called his friend back and told him not to tell the BF to call me because if he didn't I would be really hurt. Honest anyway - pathetic but honest.

February 18, 2005
3:05 pm
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CAMER
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Curly, its ok if you first asked the friend to tell your bf to call you, i cannot count how many time i said to my prev. bf that if you drink again then I am dumping you, at least 10x...sometimes we all need to feel a place in our souls where we get to the point that we cannot take it anymore, and enough is enough. Maybe spending time alone will be good for you, keep posting here, and keep thinking back of the way he treated you, and most important think of how you deserve to be treated!!! you deserve someone who loves you, and respects you and treats you like a queen and puts you 1st b4 booze.
((((my prayers are with you)))

February 18, 2005
4:33 pm
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curly
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How long will I feel like just going over there and either giving him shit or apologizing for whatever - why do I feel like I need some kind of recognition or closure or contact or something. I really didn;t make a scene - I just quietly left saying call me tomorrow - I love you J. And now no word. I think he tried to call me on Monday night - my roommate said there was a hang-up at 11 p.m. and I swa a Sturgeon number on my phone on Wednesday. He doesn't call me at home because my roommate told him to buzz off calling drunk at 2 in the morning when I first moved in with her. Anyway, it's time to go home and he usually calls me at work so I guess I won't hear from him. God I hope I don't cave in and go over there. What do i do?? Tell me again, please.

February 19, 2005
4:17 pm
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alwayslearning
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When we establish a bottom line, as in the case of "if you do this, then this will be the consequence" and then fail to carry out, why is it that we beat ourselves up and continue to let ourselves get walked on instead of reasserting ourselves until we have accomplished what we've set out to, which is....taking care of ourselves. Good to know by the way, that I'm not the only one that's a mess over men!

February 19, 2005
10:30 pm
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the_real_me
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Curly,

Take some time and sit down and write a letter to him. Express all the emotions you have on your posts. When you are done with writing this letter, take it and burn it. Let the smoke from the fire take away your pain, and just like the phoenix, a new you will rise from the ashes.

I know it will not be easy, but this guy does not deserve to steal your spirit any longer and you need to stop letting him.

I wish you must peace and know that we are here if you need us, so don't hesitate to post.

February 20, 2005
8:59 am
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Anonymous
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Hi all,

I'm on day 5 of no contact and It's also so difficult for me. Ihave achieved very little in those days alone. spent most of it thinking about him. Hes been out drinking with all his friends> I know it comes first for him. But why can't I just accept that and get on with my own life? he's been in my head all this time. Last night I read chapter 20 of Codep no more and I felt really strong and slep well. But this morning it all came flooding back to me. Why doesn't he care? That's how I feel. I want to email him so he feels a bit sorry for me but I know I won't get that back from him.

My prayers are with you all as they are with me. x

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