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In love, but not with my spouse
September 15, 2006
3:06 pm
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justanothermom
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Even though I am married and have been for five years, I am finding myself falling in love with a man from my past. Well not really falling in love with because I have always loved him more like falling for him much, much harder. This man is great, we dated for a while, but it never worked out. I think that it was because we were both young and still wanted room to have our “cake and eat it too.” I found out that he is married and has a child that is four months old now. (I started talking to him before the baby was ever born) and I actually talk to his wife, she is a very nice person but I haven’t told her that I am still in love with “her” husband. I did tell him that I was in love with him and that I couldn’t talk to him anymore because it hurt me too bad, but he sent me an email and begged me not to do that because he felt the same way and he didn’t want to loose touch again. I don’t know what to do at his point. Someone please give me some advise, I could really use it.

September 15, 2006
3:45 pm
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doubleloss
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hi just. RUN as fast as you can. You are married, he is married with a child and a wife that you talk to. Just for a second, put yourself in her shoes.
Perhaps it's time to take a good look at you rmarriage, what is missing? what are you not getting? what could you do to work on it? how would your husband feel if he knows?
sounds like you've lost the emotional connection and the fantasy about a "lost love" gives you those warm fuzzy feelings. But be aware that it might JUST be a fantasy to fill up a space that is empty.
I firmly belive that we as women should be supportive of each other and stay away from other women's husbands. From the distance, without knowing anything else it looks like a train wreck waitning to happen.
and remember: what starts badly, ends badly.
keep posting, take care of your hear and your head. i wish you strenght to do the right thing for you. be gentle with yourself, i think all of us on this threads have felt or are feeling the sting of lost love, betrayals, confusion of all kinds so there is a ton of support. I think it's great that you are talking about your feelings in a safe place. take it easy, don't jump into anything and really look at ALL the possible consequences.

September 15, 2006
4:23 pm
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justanothermom
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Doubleloss,
Thanks for you post I would like to say a few more things just so you know that I am not crazy (Well it might make it worse 🙂 My husband knows, I told him about a month ago. On the other hand I agree that as women we need to watch out for each other, but this girl is the one that he was messing around on me with. I know that that is no reason to do the same thing. If I was doing this to get her back I would drive five hours and do a one time thing, but I am not that type of person. This is a love that I have had for him for more then five years now. The one thing that gets me is he told her before they got married that if he ever found me again that he would not think twice about leaving her. That was nice to hear but then again I ask myself "Why didn't he feel that way before he decided to mess around?" The only answer that I can give myself is "You don't know what you have until it's gone" but then again I also wonder "Do I miss him or that innocent part of my life when I was care free." At that point in my life he was all that I cared about.
I am truly lost. I am in love with this man, but I love my husband and I don't want to hurt him anymore then I already have in this situation. I have to step back and ask myself "Am I doing this because I want this or because he (my husband) broke my heart on more then one occasion and I want him to feel the hurt that he put me through, over and over and over.
I really appreciate your thoughts on my drama 😉 you did open my eyes to some things that I didn't want to see.

September 15, 2006
5:16 pm
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Juanita
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Dear Just...

Suggestion ~ tell him not to contact you until he is legally free and able to do so. If he truly loves you, he will remove himself from a marriage he no longer wants. If he doesn't leave the marriage, well then, he picked his priorities.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. Truly I am. But why extend the hurting and suffering?

The same goes for you as well. If you are that unhappy in your marriage, you need to decide what to do FOR YOU. Do you want to save it, or do you want out? For if you leave your marriage for this other man, there is no guarantees it will last with him either.

You each have hard decisions to make about your marriages. Do not complicate the matters by getting involved with one another. Get out (if you decide that is indeed what you want to do) of the marriages for the right reasons.

If you end out just having an affair, it will just hurt more in the long run.

Juanita

September 15, 2006
5:33 pm
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justanothermom
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Juanita,
I think that you are sssoooo right! I will tell him that it has to end between us untill he is no longer with her. I will make sure to tell him that I am not saying "leave her." I knew in the back of my mind that this is what I needed to do but a pert of me would rather talk to him eveyday, even if it is not in the way that my heart desires, then to never hear from him again. I now see that i have to do this in order to save my heart in the end. Thanks for your post. It was a little harsh but that's what I needed in the end.

Just..

September 15, 2006
6:02 pm
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taj64
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Dear Justanothermom,

Im a mom too. Only I was single mom at the time I met my married man. I fell deeply in love with him. He did too. This went on three years. Back and forth. He could not make up his mind. He said he loved both of us. His wife knew, not just once but many times. It was not as physical as it was emotional. It was pure devastation to me. I went back and forth and he pushed and pulled with me. But one thing he never did and that was to leave the home. The guilt was too much. It has been a year. We are not allowed to contact each other. But to this day I have not gotten my life back and been over a year. I still love him and thing of him everyday. I also still hurt over it and have been unable to get competely over it. My family was hurt. So was his. And most of all the kids also end up being hurt too. These type of situations rarely work out. There is too much guilt and destruction. You will hurt not only your partner but yourself as well. It sounds as if all this just started. Do yourself a favor and cut the contact immediately. Your marriage might be better if you put the focus on yourself and that, rather than to be distracted with your feelings for him. They will fade. Don't get into deep or you will truly suffer. Not only that, but for me, my family outside of my own home do not treat me the same. Im an outcast. I know they judge me because I hear tidbits. Im a good person. I just fell for the wrong guy. and most of all he was not available for me to love. Most married men end up staying with their wife. Very few actually leave and even if they do leave for the other woman, the chances of it working out are rather slim. And men that cheat, and he is cheating, end up cheating again. I cannot say all but trust is so messed up, how could you trust him? Can you really trust him 100%? There is no winner in an affair. None. And the cost of it, is very deep hurt. I know every relationship is different but having experienced it myself, I know and been there and been deeply hurt. And I never thought I would be in a situation like that but I was. And now Im paying the price and for a long time. it is sooo not worth it

September 15, 2006
6:58 pm
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taj64
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Also I got to thinking, I would also like to mention that his home probably is not as bad off as you think it is. Im not generalizing, just throwing thought out there that men that play around portray to the woman that things are rocky at home, when indeed they really are not that bad, or otherwise why would they stay if is so bad. Please don't close your eyes and listen to only words. Actions speak a lot louder than words. He is in a commitment and so are you. And another thing that stood out for me that I forgot to mention was that you said he said to his wife that if you came back into his life, he would leave her and you replied that was nice to hear. That is not really a nice thing to hear. Is this something he really said to her or sometihng he wants you to hear? That does not sound right to me. And if he did indeed say that to her, why did she marry him anyway. Most women would think twice about marrying someone if the fiance said I would leave you for someone else. That does not sit well with me. Be careful because some men will say something to a woman just to keep her even if it is on the side. I don't mean to be harsh but this married man does not sound like he is good with commitment. Why would you leave a good man for someone who risks cheating? You're playing with fire and someone will get hurt, inevitably. I hope you rethink and try to get your marriage on track. It can be good again if you stayed focused on it.

September 16, 2006
12:43 pm
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chloeysmomma
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iam in same boat but i decided to stick with him till iam able to support myself and leave him once and for all and then even after that i think i dont want to be with anyone till i get couseling for my low self esteem

September 16, 2006
2:23 pm
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Juanita
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Dear Just,

Please know, I can so totally relate to how you feel. I do not want you to suffer. Even now, you know there will be suffering. You will miss him, but you've got to come to the right decisions for the right reasons. Continued contact with him will increase your feelings for him, distracting you from home & decisions that need to be made there. I want for you to be able to make your decisions based on you... not hopes and dreams that may never come to pass. Maybe they will though, maybe they won't. It is just better to hurt a little now than a lot later. Hurting either way is no good in my book, but if you have the strength, determination and fortitude to do this now ~ you will be able to hold your head high & get over your wounded heart quicker.

I only wish you the best & hope to prevent you from further heartache.

Take care, others feel & know your pain, you are not alone.

Juanita

September 18, 2006
10:35 am
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justanothermom
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I just wanted to update everyone on my situation =( It's not great but I knew that I had to stop the emotional affair that I was having with this other man. I sent him an email Friday this is what the letter said;

Dear....
This is the last email that you will receive from me. I know that I have said this once before but this time it has to be, I don't want to hurt anymore. I know over the last four months that we have become close and even though you haven't said it I think that you have fallen in love with me again and I know that I have fallen in love with you. You take my heart out and stop on it like it is a new game that everyone plays and the bad part about it is that I have been the one who allows you to do it. So this is it. If there is a day that you are single and you are looking for someone who truly loves you, you could call me, but please don't because I have already wasted so much time and feelings on you. Don't get me wrong, I love you, but you love her and he loves me so I think that you need to love her and only her and I need to love him and only him. Please don't send an email back because you will be wasting your time, you have been blocked from everything. I have decided to pick up the pieces of my heart and move on, without you, but with all the great memories that we shared.
An old friend,
.......

I think I was a little harsh but after having a weekend to myself, I have realized that I need to do what's right not for my husband but for me. When I get me right then I can work on making us right. Thanks for all the posts. This was my first time on this site and I love it. I will have to come here for help more often.
Just...

September 18, 2006
12:54 pm
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taj64
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To be honest, that is really not so harsh in fact you were rather light. He didn't say he loved you? Im wondering about that. Your email is emotional but one thing about affairs is to be VERY careful about leaving a door open this way by leaving it at "if you are ever single again." It is a chance to have it start all over again. That give him a chance to think it over and be ok that he can call you again. It means you are willing to take him as second choice. And you also let him know you'll take him back even though he stomped all over your heart yet he never really did tell you he loved you. I'm glad you ended it. It is indeed a hard lesson to learn and maybe your love that you wanted with the married man will spark with your husband if you let it. Good luck.

September 18, 2006
2:07 pm
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justanothermom
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taj64
I guess you are right but he tells me that he loves me all the time, in every email, in every IM, and in every telaphone call but he has never told me that he is in love with me. I think there is a big diffrence. I am also glad that it is over, I no longer feel like I am running a 10,000 mile race with a 220 pound man on my back. Thanks for your post.

September 18, 2006
2:09 pm
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doubleloss
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so proud of you. the letter is not harsh at all, it just feels honest. I think taj is right about leaving the door open, but you've sent it so don't beat yourself over it, you wrote what felt right for you.

I hope very much that you and your husband will be able to work out all the issues between you that are hurting your marriage, i truly believe that if there is enough desire and love and willingness to do whatever it takes (both of you) things will work out - and all the pieces will fall into place (including the sexual part). So, i wish you all the best in your new journey, you guys have an opportunity now to re-invent your relationship. Get all the help you need, whatever it takes.

September 21, 2006
10:52 am
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Dear just,

Something you said in an earlier post......about wondering whether these feelings for the old bf were partially based in how you presently feel about your husband and how your h has treated you.

W/o reading all your threads, I take it your h has cheated on you.

So, while you are obviously not a cheater yourself, you are sooooo not immune to wanting your h to feel that pain too.

I don't even think that it is intentional. Just a reaching out for something you're not getting from your relationship with your h. Please, because I think your email to the other guy was very well expressed and succinct, do not feel empty for not having taken on the exciting new relationship.

Do you know what I mean? You really did the right thing. But you also denied yourself the pleasure (because you recognized the pain as well). But feeling like the wallflower/good girl still doesn't give you that "I'm experiencing life to the fullest" feeling.

You are "Just" to me, and by no means "just another mom."

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