Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
In Limbo !!!
September 19, 2003
8:56 am
Avatar
fedup1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I just found this site and relate to everbodys troubles..I'm sad to say, i feel a little comfort in knowing other people are sad as well...I hate myself for feeling that way..
I could use some advise...please...
I don't really know where to start.I will just throw the facts out there, and you can probably figure it out yourself. I met this guy in feburary, fell in love, He moved in, ..happy ever after??? NOT... I believe i am codependent..you know, the caretaker... I know i am not perfect, but i love him and don't know how to let go...After months of fighting,making promises that were never kept, and many sleepless nights, he made the decision to move out.Now i am alone, He wants to keep seeing each other, he spend the night last night, but things don't seem the same.. it seems cold...we talk and talk, and make rules that he keeps breaking..He says he loves me, but when he doesn't call, i question his motives..I can't sleep, eat, concentrate, and now my work is suffering...and i ask myself WHY.... Now the stats about him that are soo very important... He has been diognosed with depression, and schizophrenia . He is on medication.When he takes it reguarly, i do see a difference, . He is drinkng alcohol quite a bit,and smokes weed everyday and i feel that he is addicted to cocaine as well,.i don't use any drugs, and to complicate mattters he is now living with a friend, that just happins to be a drug dealer....He says he loves me and wants to work things out but needs time to be by himself as well, and not feel like he is trapped at my place...I have done everything to try to make him feel like the apt was ours, he does not have many personal items/....well, thats the story,.. Somebody please help me sortthru all this...
Thanks
Drew

September 19, 2003
9:06 am
Avatar
unhappy camper
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Drew, welcome!

I found with my husband who is like yours but no drugs, that I could stand on my head and spit nickels but no message of mine EVER got through to him. He was arrested for assaulting me 9 months ago and I kept in touch with him until a month ago. He PROMISED to see a psychiastrist and stop drinking etc. and I finally saw him for the fraud he is.

Their promises are worthless. They may as well be actually saying to us "blah blah blah"....

If you only go by his ACTIONS...you will see the real him.

The loving words and promises are the hook they use to keep us around. We have to insist that we see actions that show love. We can't embrase words, can we? Who wants to sleep with a book or dictionary?

I have so many love letters from my husband I could make a huge bonfire. Fat lot of good it did me.

His actions betrayed him. But man on man...those words sure are enticing....

But I know you are doubting them.

It's not easy to admit the words and promises are worthless. It is a rejection. And it hurts.

Just start thinking in this direction. Judge him by his actions.

When he starts talking....just remember "blah, blah, blah...."

Keep writing here ok?
hugs,
camper

September 19, 2003
11:57 am
Avatar
fedup1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you camper.. You stated what i already know .. its all words. I keep telling myslf this, ..Can't i make him change just a little... he told me he will call today.. lets wait and see..I can not get a hold of him, so its all UP to him...does this feeling ever go away..will i ever see him for what he is, and not what i want him to be.....Why does he want me around if he doesn't love me,, i don't get it... it seems so cruel....Why can't i do other things and keepmy mind off him, especially if i am so sure its all words.. that is what scares me.. maybe it is more about me, and not about him... what do you think ???

September 19, 2003
12:07 pm
Avatar
unhappy camper
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ahhh....yes. You are co-dependent like many of us here, if not all.

That is what it's all about. There are great books out....one is "Co-Dependent No More".

It was so shocking and amazing to me I actually LAUGHED OUT LOUD when I read it. I saw myself and how silly I was being trying to influence him.

Can you get that book and read it?

You have to bite the bullet and endure the pain that is coming your way. No way around it.

But, unlike staying in this relationship which is a miserable dead end, there is a reward at then end of the pain.

Freedom from the abuser/user. And most of all...dignity.

September 19, 2003
12:11 pm
Avatar
unhappy camper
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

fedup1

Read through the other threads here too. You can look at older ones by selecting at the top the date range you want.

You will find some precious help here! You will see how others are managing/not managing. We are all learning and helping each other.

🙂

September 19, 2003
12:24 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Drew??? What are you doing, sweetheart???? I mean seriously.....WHAT are you doing with this guy? You can't fix him, you can love him all better, you can't survive well on this rollercoaster and there is really nothing in this whatsoever for you except - more pain. So why........do you think you deserve more pain in life, or why do you think you need to take on a "project" in order to have a person in your life?

The reason you are in this boat here, has alot to do with something that was already in the works long before you met this guy. Obviously, you think this is all you're worth. And you will never work on that - with him in your life. Just not going to happen. He's going to drain you of every bit of strength and energy and hope and trust you have in you and then see if he can get one more drop out of you as you writhe in pain.

So........the question is........"why" does all this equate to - I'm in love with this guy. In love with "what" really?

September 19, 2003
1:13 pm
Avatar
fedup1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ladeski..

I like that... "a project" That hits home..There may be some validity in that comment.Maybe i have taken him on as a "project" one that i am trying to fix..Maybe, i need other "projects" to keep my mind occupied...Do i sit around, wait for him to call, or stop in.. if i do something, and am not here when he wants me, will he stop in again. will he stop calling.I am allowing myself to be HIS "project". How do go day to day, i still want him right here..

Do i like the fighting, the name calling, i wonder.. i seem to miss it at this moment...

I already understand the importance of talking about it with other people in the same ball-park..different situations, but similar enough to understand...

Thank you unhappy camper for the suggestion- i as i am writing this , am holding "codependency no more".. i have read it many times, in hope's of a breakthru.. i read diff pages every day.. over and over and over again..it never seems to filter in !!!!! Any other books out there, maybe on how to move on from a hurtful relationship, it would be greatly appreceiated..
Drew

September 19, 2003
1:13 pm
Avatar
fedup1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ladeski..

I like that... "a project" That hits home..There may be some validity in that comment.Maybe i have taken him on as a "project" one that i am trying to fix..Maybe, i need other "projects" to keep my mind occupied...Do i sit around, wait for him to call, or stop in.. if i do something, and am not here when he wants me, will he stop in again. will he stop calling.I am allowing myself to be HIS "project". How do go day to day, i still want him right here..

Do i like the fighting, the name calling, i wonder.. i seem to miss it at this moment...

I already understand the importance of talking about it with other people in the same ball-park..different situations, but similar enough to understand...

Thank you unhappy camper for the suggestion- i as i am writing this , am holding "codependency no more".. i have read it many times, in hope's of a breakthru.. i read diff pages every day.. over and over and over again..it never seems to filter in !!!!! Any other books out there, maybe on how to move on from a hurtful relationship, it would be greatly appreceiated..
Drew

September 19, 2003
1:27 pm
Avatar
unhappy camper
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don't think you LIKE the fighting and name calling...your are used to it...it's "excited misery". The level of chaos is consistently high and you just get used to it.

It's not pleasant though. But it does put you face to face with the man you love. And you love him for no reason. He doesn't deserve your love.

You are wasting it on him. And wasting your life.

September 19, 2003
3:58 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

So what kind of pattern has been in your life early on? What was your life like growing up? Did your parents fight, how was your relationship with them? Were you close to your father, to your mother? Patterns have roots.......the "begin" somewhere and we compulsively follow the ruts in the road until we SEE what we are doing and then redo the foundational thinking and tear out the lies and replace them with truth. So talk to me.......

September 19, 2003
4:20 pm
Avatar
Saddo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ladeska
Im following you around, I hear what you say to Fed-Up, very psychodynamic. I suppose the guilt i feel around staying in the marriage, is influenced by my parents and their values, "That you stay together for the Kids".
We've been programmed so much in our lives, i'm just beginning to enjoy changing it.

September 19, 2003
5:04 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Saddo! Yea you are, huh? LOL! That's okay, good to talk to you! Yea, well, I tell you what, take it from one who BLEW UP what she was taught to hell and back and built her own structure a long time ago....it works!!

I mean what kind of rule is that anyways? So okay.......you stay together but are miserable, the kids see it, are affected by it and yet you're doing it for the kids? Um NO. That would be doing something that is very bad and unhealthy for the kids if it's nothing but turmoil and dishonesty and strife all the time. Then you'd be teaching them what in their own lives? To repeat your pattern and the good in that is - what exactly?

If it's broken, it's broken, ya know? Having a paperdoll family just doesn't cut it. So you look good for everyone else and the on the inside it's rotten, but everyone is putting on the happy face and feeling like crap. That's why people are codependent when they grow up and have emotional problems because things were not "real".

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
33
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111020
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38570
Posts: 714311
Newest Members:
cosmo789, bravelassie, Chloe12, future life, austinjacob, Hadity1
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information