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In light of recent threads...I'm about done here.
January 3, 2006
11:29 pm
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dalpuz
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When I first came here only a month ago I received alot of informative help to understand my girlfriend and what she was going through and how i've fed into it to only make problems worse. Since then i've done alot of reading. I thank you all for that very very much.

As I've read other people's problems over this period of time it seems the negativity between male and female problems are more specific to the point that some threads are in my opinion just a male bashing party. I didn't expect this to happen here and maybe I don't see it the right way but it disappoints me as to the treads i'm recently reading.

It just doesn't seem to be according to the guidlines as I understood them. I find it to be a shame. You don't need examples...just read some of these.

Thank you for the help i've been given and I hope each and every person finds their peace of hope, help and mind here as I have. It's helped me understand a part of my life that i've never been exposed to until recently. I will be diligent in restoring my life with or without my mate. I just don't find the some of the threads lately to be very healing to anyone at times. I don't even try to comment unless to understand or be helpful, I think some others should do the same.

January 3, 2006
11:36 pm
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lost and found
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dalpuz-sorry u feel that way. if u change your mind, come back ; will be glad to talk.
hope u werent offended by anything i wrote.

January 3, 2006
11:41 pm
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D dog
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DALPUZ!

I am not a male basher, I am a male lover. I would love to hear your side on some of the issues I have been experiencing recently.

Yes, I know, sometimes the site DOES seem like male bashing - BUT! that is only because so many of us here have been hurt by men (who are not necessarily your caliber of man) - so please, cut us some slack.

When men are hurt by women (does that ever happen - LOL!) no, in all seriousness, you guys don't get together and have a pity party and talk. You guys hang out and watch football. Or whatever. Excuse the stereotype...reaching for a metaphor.

Dalpuz please realize that this site is THE ONLY THING WE HAVE, for some of us...

You see - we can't REACH our men. It's not that we hate you...we are just struggling to understand you.

So...if you choose to stay and help us...you could not be more welcome.

D.

January 3, 2006
11:44 pm
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D dog
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Are you up to it???

January 3, 2006
11:47 pm
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lost and found
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very well put d dog.

January 3, 2006
11:47 pm
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Matteo
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dalpuz,

Would you be able to point out the threads which feel to you like male bashing? I would be interested in reading them. I don't read that many threads, usually stick to just a few, so it would be interesting to see what is going on around.

January 3, 2006
11:49 pm
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Rasputin
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Dear Dalpuz,

I am sorry for the way you feel and perceive this board. I feel that it is a haven of infos, wisdom, supoort, intellectual exhange, humor etc.

As for your disapproval about some threads, I saw that you posted in one of my threads about men.

The reason I started that thread is to enable us females (I am a female) to understand the male mentality which can be a mystery to us and thus improve communication between men and women.

I did not start that thread to mock, belittle to degrade men or the male gender. If you read it carefully, you will notice that it was written with love and care and there is no insult whatsoever in it.

If you need to clarify some points about that thread or otherwise, please do not hesitate to communicate with me!

~Love, Ras~

January 3, 2006
11:49 pm
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D dog
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Thanks, L & F. Where the hell is Philmore, anyway???

January 3, 2006
11:50 pm
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exoticflower
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dalpuz, I do think that the bulk of the posters here are female, which would explain why the bulk of the exs they are angry with are female. I recently visited a site that was frequented in large part to men who had gotten a raw deal, and by and large the people they where angry at where women. The difference between that site and this was that that site was not about healing or self improvement, and the anger was directed at the female race in general, wehre as here I think that parties are angry specifically AT their ex partners or coping from hurt specifically from their ex partners. People are here for a large variety of reasons, but a lot of people seem to be codependant, and part of that is focusing heavily on a specific person and giving power to their effect on the codeps problems. This site is not, as it says at the top, only for codependancy issues, but a lot of them are dealt with here.

I do not think it is a matter of apriciating or depriciating any one sex, I think that women are not as guarded with their feelings and are more likely to end up at a site for self help and healing than men, and they are likely to have male exs hwo have had some impact in their lives to work through. I don't see any one gender, race, condition, etc. being picked on here, rather a lot of individuals dealing with thier individual issues. I don't think it is personal, really, and I don';t think there are people here by and large who specifically dislike men, and for that matter I think the men on this site by and large (as far as I ahve seen) feel respected and apriciated by the women here. Some of the most appriciated and cherished advice I ever recieved here was from a man! Just becasue there are a lot of women here angy at specific men in their own life does not mean there are a lot of women here who dislike men, imho.

January 3, 2006
11:54 pm
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lost and found
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d-dog- your guess is as good as mine. i hope he is out of the cave having a wonderful time somewhere.

he might be asleep....kept him up allnight two nights in a row..ha ha

January 4, 2006
12:01 am
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D dog
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L & F -

You hijacked my man! LOL!

He is something truly special. I wish him all the best that life has to offer.

And you as well, thanks for letting me "crash" your thread.

Ya know...I'm just sitting here wondering...can a relationship survive after "cheating"? At first I thought No way. Then I wanted him back, intensely, and I thought, yes. Now I am thinking...why live in uncertaintly?

Need help.

January 4, 2006
12:06 am
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lost and found
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d dog-i dont own him!!! and u are welcome on any site u see me on.
he gives me very good perspective on things, that otherwise i wouldn't think of.

as for your question about cheating and make it work. i really can't answer that for u.

ps. be cccaarreeefffuull-we might get in trouble talking like philmore is a possession. he he he

January 4, 2006
12:13 am
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dalpuz
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I was just making what I believe was a valid point. When I've spoken of my relationship, i've tried to be objective and informative to recieve the best advice from all of you who have been dealing with this and other situations that i've probably been lucky enough to not have encontered. Sooooo when i see crticism of sorts, which doesn't to me help much, or other forms of expression that i don't read as healing, it's not understood. Your replies help me to understand better, thank you all and exoticflower.

I just felt the need to express perhaps how someone new percieve(?) some of this information.

January 4, 2006
12:56 am
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exoticflower
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dalpuz, something I think helps me a lot is to out and out ask on the thread where I feel discomfort, or explain where I feel it, and usually someone can clarify or help me put it in perspective if I am misunderstanding. And sometimes I am not misunderstanding, someone has taken something personal in a weak moment and made it more of a blanket thing--in which case I have seen (and when it's been me been willing to) a lot of ownership of that. None of us are perfect and a lot of times anyone may tend to associate their own issues in ways that may not apply to everyone. I know I do it sometimes and am glad when people point out to me that I am doing it. In future, when you feel you see soemthing like this, addressing it directly can be very beneficial to all! So glad you are sticking around and that you feel good about the females on this site now! We need men here to to ballance us out!!! šŸ™‚

January 4, 2006
2:18 am
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Worried_Dad
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dalpuz,

Hmm, have you personally felt like the victim of male bashing here? Or felt unfairly criticized?

Or, were you referring to posts about other men?

I would also be interested in reading the threads in question...

January 4, 2006
12:28 pm
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kathygy
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dalpuz,

I'm hearing judgement coming from you about this web site and some posts. This is not helpful to anyone.

Its possible that you don't understand the workings behind this web site for women.

Its about getting healthy, learning to love yourself and staying away from 'bad apples'.

I don't see ANY male bashing here. What happens here so often is that women pick men who do not treat them well and worse. I do my best to encourge other women to stay away from these types of men. Sometimes some women do not recognize abuse or poor treatment. I think its very important to point that out.

Its not about bashing these men but rather how to recognize them and how to stay away from destructive men and destructive relationships.

Many codependent women don't believe they deserve to be treated with love and respect all of the time.

If there were women here in healthy, loving relationships that work you would see a different story.

I encourage women to seek out healthy, available men who treat them well all of the time. Which is what I do myself.

I love men. I just don't want to see anyone hurt over and over again by an abusive or unavailable man.

January 4, 2006
1:04 pm
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dalpuz
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thank you Kathgy for your comments, i'll try not to be so judgemental I guess.

January 4, 2006
1:10 pm
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Rasputin
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Thanks Kathy for your wise intervention even tho I already clarified it to Dal, it is always appreciated when someone truthful backs us up.

God bless you, sweetheart!!!

(((Hugs)))

January 4, 2006
1:21 pm
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tracylyn
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Dalpuz ~

I have to say that I couldn't agree with you more. But then I will add, that I've been here...lets see...probably about 3 years. Yep, give and take some time in between but I've stuck around.

In the beginning it was to help me but then I stuck around to help others and to occasionally re-evaluate the codependent traits that sneak up on me.

What I've found here is that by getting to know a little bit about the person giving advise helps. I know who gives me sound IMPARTIAL advise but also, who gives advise based on experiences. That doesn't mean bad advise, it just means advise rooted by where their own emotions are at that moment. Sometimes, these experiences are fresh and raw and painful and yes, you see some male bashing. Other times you have someone that can seperate what their own emotions are, yet still pull from experience.

I know for me, I've been involved with some pretty abusive men. I'm able now to see my part in it too and stop being a victim. When in the victim roll many choose to blame, and being that the site is majority women, then yep, it's the men that are blamed.

Sometimes too it's just support or validation that someone wants to hear also. They don't want to come to the site looking for sympathy and be told they have a huge part in their problems too. They want to be told that yes, the guy is a creep. Maybe that's what chicks do, we rally around each other and be the cheerleaders.

I imagine I'll be highly disagreed with but I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in your thinking.

If you stick around a while, you'll be able to tell who is impartial and who isn't. Who is educated in this area (as in has had schooling) and who hasn't. You'll be able to know which advise to take to heart and which to pass on. It's just like talking with friends - you know which are honest and you know which will just tell you what you want to hear.

Stick around - we don't all bash the men. =)

t

January 4, 2006
1:57 pm
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kathygy
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tracyln,

I just don't see the male bashing. But you have a right to your opinion.

In fact, I see all too often I see the opposite. Women who put the man in their life or their ex up on a pedestal, make his feelings more important than hers, praise an abusive man and say how much they still love him, miss a man who was battering, critical etc., etc. rather than loving and valuing their own selves.

January 4, 2006
2:46 pm
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tracylyn
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Kathy ~

Just to clarify - I meant that you see a lot of advise, after the initial thread, that bashes the man and tells the women to run like the wind to get away from him.

I completely agree with you on your comment about women putting abusive men on a pedestal. Hell I did that for years because I thought it was my duty to stand by my man.

I will tell you that for me - (my experience here only) - that it wasn't the people that said "OMG, he's a creep, stay away" that helped me. It was the people that helped me to see my part. It was the people that helped me see why I stayed and why I had him on a pedestal. Those are the people that helped me to put myself back together. What we need to hear is the support in getting the help we need - and not dwell so much on the abusive spouse but rather helping ourselves.

There are many times here when the replies come out bashing the guy for doing such horrible things without ever asking the writer why she stays, what she sees, what she thinks she can do, etc. All too often it's "he's bad, your good, run".

Just my thoughts........

t

January 4, 2006
3:07 pm
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lewis
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hi perhaps there is something to learn here, on this thread and site, everybody is entitled to their opinion, and sometimes people are too quick to pigeon hole individuals. I remember quite a while back I did a thread where I was completely misinterpreted which led to comments that made me feel quite appalled that people can assume and judge without checking the facts first. However I still come back here because most feedback is given with heart, only a few are out to judge and attack, why let the minorty ruin a good thing here.

take care šŸ™‚

January 4, 2006
3:43 pm
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dalpuz
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Tracylyn,

I've just finished whay you've described, rolls reversed. Something i've never gone through, now her family has her back and she's getting her shit together, and rather rapidly as her father tells me just last night.

I couldn't sleep all night. I've been worried about her well being, hoping that she getting herself together for herself. Wondering if I would be willing to have her back once she's straightened up. Now I'm worried about her coming back and the same thing happening again. I love her very much but i'm not going to go through that again. I'm athletic and I don't worry about much when i'm out, so saying that, she doesn't really hurt me physically as much as she'd like to when she's in this fit of rage but it's the emotional trauma it causes. I feel sorry for her. I can walk away, I would just like to see her have a normal life.

January 4, 2006
4:15 pm
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tracylyn
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So she was physically abusive? I wasn't physically abused. Mine was emotional. It was the game of tear me down so he could build me up. Kill my self esteem so I'd never leave. It worked for a long time.

You sound strong and confident. If you are truly ready to move on then you'll need to let go of worrying about her. It's hard not to but you can detach in love and wish her the best and then take care of you.

If she was physically abusive, what gives you reason to think it won't happen again? Is she getting help and support for the reasons behind it?

The "what ifs" are always tempting but it's better to look to your future and not wait to see "what if".

Is there a tread you have that has more detail to what you've experienced?

t

January 4, 2006
7:40 pm
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Rasputin
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Tracy,

I agree with you there are some advice given here that are less sound or positive than others.

Remember that folks here come from different background, experiences, mindsets et, so it is fairly normal to have some giving less positive or relative advice than others.

Here folks are not professional or certified counselors; we offer what we know based on our experience, knowledge and how we handled a particular situation. The recepient can always take the advice that is convenient to him and discard whatever is not.

I honestly do not feel any man bashing on the thread in major way. Discussing male issues is meant to Improve the relationship between men and women.

Generally speaking, I find there are more positive things than negative things on this site.

Lewis,

Kudos!! Perfectly right on!

~Love, Ras~

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