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In crisis...Free, Ladeska? Please help...
October 4, 2003
6:08 pm
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jenni from the block
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This entire month, I have been thinking about leaving my partner. This past week has been absolute hell. I think his crack use is out of control again (although he doesn't admit this),because he is angry, volatile, demanding and completely withdrawn from me. I have been asking him to sit down and "talk" with a view that I would broach the subject of breaking up, in a calm manner. He has been a no show for both of our "scheduled" talks. Today, I came home from work and he had completed all the yard work and actually smiled at me when he saw me. The situation quickly soured before my eyes and before I knew it he was asking me for money. When I said no, he had an extreme temper tantrum, that I am sure was heard throughout the neighbourhood. He began packing his bags and said he couldn't "take me" anymore etc. etc. I have never seen him so escalated. I think I was actually in shock because I just left, not knowing what to do or say and scared that he would freak out again. When I returned he was still there (packing). Much to my shame and embarrassment, I gave him money (I honestly have no damn idea why I did this?) and as soon as his hands touched the money, he apologized to me. Shock took over again and I left without saying a word.

I'm back now and his bags are gone, so I guess after 20 years of standing by him, he has left me. How f** ironic. I am in emotional crisis and don't know what to do. I feel numb, I am terrified, and panicked. Each minute is feeling like an hour. Someone please help me to understand his behaviour, tell me what to do if he trys to come back, and give me concrete advice on how to cope right now. I am dying inside and don't know if I can make it through this...But I know I need too...

October 4, 2003
8:11 pm
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unhappy camper
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Jenni...do you have a crisis line you can call in your neighbourhood?
I think that would be the first step.

I know your pain. We know it. We share it with you. It hurts us to see you hurting my dear.

Write more and tell us how you feel. Don't suffer alone.

Please try the crisis line.

You will land on your feet, even if you have to crawl for a while. I'm sure you feel like you've been punched in the stomach. You have.
You probably would hate to see him now....he'll be high, the money will be gone.

Make a list when you can...his good vs his evil.

Then make a list of all the things he did for you recently. Can you think of anything?

Try to use logic when you can. Get lots of kleenex and cry and wash away his meanness and selfishness.
I hope he stops bleeding you now. I hope he lets you live in peace.

My heartfelt and sincerest best wishes. YOU WILL BE OK. YOU WILL.

October 4, 2003
8:35 pm
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jenni from the block
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Thanks UC..You are going through your own hell right now and I appreciate you taking the time to offer me words of encouragement. I have not stopped crying for about three hours now. Hopefully the water loss will make me a few pounds lighter!!

I can't fathom calling a crisis line. It's not annonymous enough for me. This forum is my only life line right now.

My partner has done nothing for me lately, except cause me to feel anxious and depressed. I look at him these days and see a stranger..A shell of a man I once knew. Addiction has taken over his mind and his body and there is no magic formula to fix him. I am angry at him for not fighting to save himself and our relationship, I am hurt that he has chosen his addiction over me, I am devastated that my dreams will never come true and I am terrified to face the future alone. I have no idea how to exist in this world without him. I don't know what to do or how to cope. I am just hanging on right now, but barely. Thanks Again, UC. Knowing others are out there, battling the same thing, or having survived it, is the only thing I can cling to right now.

October 4, 2003
9:11 pm
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mj
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You will survive this dear Jenni.
Take a few breaths. I will listen if you want to talk?

October 4, 2003
9:13 pm
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free
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Hi jenni

I've been just really swamped and wish I could have responded earlier. I'm no expert on addiction by any means, but power of addiction seems to always be underestimated. From what I understandonce an addiction to something like crack sets in, people rarely seek treatment until they've lost everything. a few years ago, a psychologist told me that my ex's job will be last thing to go, and next month might be it. If it's not, it'll happen in time. You and yours have had all your eggs in the air for a long time. They're starting to fall. Once that starts, it's the beginning of the end.

I wish I could tell you what to do. But I don't know what to do. I'm not walking in your shoes.

I've worked crisis lines. Let me tell you what happens when you call. There's no building or anything where the hotline is- (I had imagined that in my head when I used to call). When you call, you will be calling an answering service, which patches you through to a hotline volunteer's phone number, mine was at my house and my cell number. He/she will be filling out a form that has to be turned into the state because that's the only way to get funding- to prove your organization is serving people. There's no caller ID, etc., like when you call 911. Organizations don't have the money for that. We say we are anonymous because we NEVER give out information to ANYBODY, but many times people are afraid when they learn that their call is being documented. I tell people that if this frightens them, then don't give me your real name and don't give me your real age or ethnicity or any of the info I must ask in order for my center to recieve the funding that allows me to take your call and help you. A BRIF dexcription of your phone call is documented such as "woman has partner with crack addiction, is having difficulty breaking enabling behavior, so I referred her to Alanon with this phone number,.....will call her back in three days" that kind of thing. If you don't want to leave a return phone number (all crisis lines try to get one so they can call you in a few days to check up on you) then don't give one, tell the person on the line you will call back later.

Our job as the person on the other line is to give options to you. Phone numbers, people to contact. And to listen, tell you you're not crazy, validate your feelings, kuz we've been there and know what you're going through. Hopefully this will ease your fears about calling.

I'm sorry you are going through this jenni. You don't deserve this. Myself, I was at the point where leaving him and probably dying, or living the rest of my life totally alone was better than staying. It's not a fun place to be. But I had to get there before I could do it.

Remember jenni, the devil known is always better than the devil unknown. Until yas get to the place where I was.

free

October 4, 2003
9:51 pm
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jenni from the block
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Dear Free,

I hope you don't mind me calling out to you on the thread title and please don't apolgize for not writing sooner. It's just that you've offered some great insights to me before, and I know you've been through it.

I am emotionally exhausted right now. I feel so much shame at all my enabling behaviours. I have fed the monster that has taken over my partner's mind and soul, yet I berate him for not fighting harder against the beast. It makes no sense.

I think they need rehab centres for codependents. 21 days of lock down with no phones or visitors. Therapy 24 hours a day...Oh, and they should serve gourmet meals, have silk pj's to lounge around in, and on sight hairstylists and massagers...LOL. (UC recently informed what LOL means, so I had to try it out!).

Thanks for the info on the crisis line. I just am not used to talking about my life to anyone,except to my therapist. I hate the night time and just want morning to come. I might just take a sleeping pill and go to bed. Hopefully, tommorrow will be a better day. My fear is that my partner will try to come home in the middle of the night. If usual patterns prevail, he will slip into bed and in the morning ask where we are going for breakfast. He will have amnesia of leaving me and tell me I am too sensitive. The alternative is that I wake up alone and I will want to call him to see if he is alive or dead. Both options terrify me.

I need to get off this merry go round, because I'm getting really
dizzy...

Thanks everyone for getting me through this night...

October 4, 2003
10:08 pm
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jenni from the block
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Oh and mj, thanks for your offer to talk, that's so kind of you. I think for right now, I just need to go to bed. I'm emotionally spent. I'll visit again tomorrow.

October 4, 2003
10:10 pm
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Its really frustrating because they do so many unbelievable things. I cant tell you what he was thinking when he did all those things because they are not in their right minds. The way u may have precieved the whole situation is completely different from the way he precieved it. I use to go threw so many unbelievable situations with my ex that was also addicted to crack. I know u are in a lot of pain right now and believe me ull get thru it. I use to cry and worry and be upset wonderin if my ex would make it. He did so many things to me and himself that was so painful and the bad thing is that his addiction was so far progressed that he wasnt even aware of the pain he was causing us both. The way you are feeling right now... hes feeling just as much pain as u in so many ways. There is nothing u can do for him tho. When u start to understand that you will begin to heal. Use this situation as a blessing because thats truely what it is. God may be saying to you right now You are my child and I love you.. I can no longer see you go through this excrusiating pain and im here for you.. Lean on him! he will guide you. Ive been there i use to wonder why god put me in the situation and allowed me to hurt and suffer but what i realized is that God was talkin to me all along tellin me dont do it but i didnt listen but either way he doesnt want to see us hurt and suffer and hes there for us. Take this time to really get to know yourself and to find out what u need to do for you. And im sure ur ex will be hounding at the door soon enough and u need to be strong enough to deal with that also.. I am here for u as well as the other people here. Please tell us what your feeling, what youd like to have for yourself, discuss your emotions, anything that will help you to see that you are wonderful and so much deserving of so much more. Im so proud of you.. Ive seen so much growth from you since your first post.

Love'
Ms.confused

October 5, 2003
4:14 am
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Ladeska
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Jenni...sorry I wasn't on here earlier. We've had computer problems but all is better now. Wow, this isn't good. I don't know what your draw is to all this pain, sweetheart....but something definitely keeps you tied to it. This guy is poison for you, I'm sure you see that.

You know, I've often wondered if people get caught up in situations like this, where they act like deer in the headlights because it's just so bizarre, what's going on in front of them that they want to know what makes this person tick and can we get to them somehow, almost like a science project or a math problem that we keep trying to work.

I've talked to people before who were involved with very sociopathic or psychopathic personalities and it was very, very hard for them to label them this, even though they had tremendous evidence in front of them. They just really didn't want to go there.

Something inside us has been wired to believe that there is good in everyone OR that there is a way for you to "help" them be nice or that somehow "your love" can save them or whatever.

We just really fight against what we see glaring us in the face and largely to our own demise. We just keep staring.....being in shock.....allowing them to keep doing their bizarro little dance. Many a people have been murdered because of this "deer in the headlights" response.

You look at a Ted Bundy persona, for example and there ya go. He was articulate, seemingly a nice-nice guy, charming, intelligent and oh sooo deadly.

Largely, I think the one thing that hooks us is - we believe they actually care about us....or that they were sincerely attracted to us and that - this was a "good" thing...

I also see that people who have had a bad relationship with one parent or both early on - presets them for accepting this kind of abuse. If someone stands in the position of "loving them" and if that person had some characteristics of the parent(s) and yet went unseen by the victim, then they seem to try and play out the scenario of trying to fix this person, to care for them, to fix what went wrong, to be good enough for them, to finally make the previous wrong and pain in their heart - finally right. Thus, the reason why they are drawn to certain people and why they allow certain people to be drawn to them. Or, even that certain people just sniff them out because of the vibes they throw out there.

I'm not saying this is always the case, but that I've seen it alot. There are usually root causes for patterns in life and they usually begin in childhood obviously.

We get a certain opinion of ourselves reflected back to us through the people who are supposed to love us and it sticks. Whatever gets locked in there.......plays itself out later in our lives unless we see the mechanism, do the work and free ourselves from it.

I don't know where your stuff started, Jenni...all I know is you are in a very dangerous situation. If not physically speaking, emotionally and mentally for sure. Which those injuries, btw, can be just as bad if not worse and longer lasting.

You are enabling him, if he has a drug problem and you know you can't continue down this path. It's not your fault, your problem or your responsibility and the longer you are there in his life, the longer he will be distracted from facing things himself, which is keeping him from really getting help.

People who use other people like he's doing you - would never take real help from you anyways. You've been used by him.......he now disrespects you.

The lure to try and understand him, is a deadly lure. He will take you right down with him, with no regard whatsoever for the harm he is doing you in the process. So, hopefully, you will get the courage to end this now before it gets so bad, you can't see anything but darkness, hopelessness and confusion.

You've still got strength and wits about you right now and you need to use them. You can't make it better for him, in fact, the harder it gets for him - the better. It's the only thing that's going to wake him up. If he has someone like you making him comfortable all the time and shrinking back when he throws his little childish temper tantrums, then what's his incentive to ever stop?

And who's to say that the next time - he really hurts you? For him to come back home, slip into bed and ask what's for breakfast the next day as if nothing ever happened - should tell you something. There is no empathy or conscience operating in this person and that's not a good thing....

You can't be that for the both of you. You're responsible for your own life and wellbeing here and this just isn't cutting it, sweetie. It's time for you - to take care of yourself and let him be - responsible for his own life. I really can't stress this enough or say it any plainer.

October 5, 2003
10:38 am
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unhappy camper
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Jenni
How are you????

Ladeska hit the nail on the head. You are enabling him to use both cocaine and you. You see that, don't you?

And it is the best thing to stop doing that now. It won't be easy.

You have to let him go. He will hit bottom or latch onto someone else to enable him. Pity that person.

If he didn't come back into your bed....consider changing the locks today and getting a separation agreement. Keep him out legally.

Then, IF he ever did seek help and clean up you could get back together. However, I doubt he would stay clean, but you know him best. Or at least, as best as anyone can under the circumstances.

Please consider calling a locksmith.

Let us know how you are doing ok?
hugs
camper

October 5, 2003
11:37 am
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boland
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jennie look ater ya self, dont fall in to trap or a hole your cant climb out of till months years later, you just make sure you look after ya self and do what feels right to you, were all here for you, when you want to talk, hope your ok, follow your heart jennie, hope every ine ok to, thinking of you jennie and all,

October 5, 2003
1:26 pm
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free
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Hey, jenni

logged on to see how you were doing this morning. jenni, do you have friends who can and will lend support if you leave him? I ask this because I had a couple of friends when I left my ex and I really ended up leaning on them, and they let me. The reasons for enabling are individual. I found out my reasons through therapy.Something that helped me a great deal was learning about emotionally healthy people. What are they like? How do they conduct their lives? And then I started doing things and not doing things that are characteristic of healthy people. It felt uncomfortable at first but then I started feeling good about myself. It felt good to send out Christmas cards ON TIME, felt good to tell a friend "no, I don't want to go out tonight, tonight I want to snuggle on the couch and watch lifetime", or "I need to go see my therapist"- make an appointment and go. It felt good to take the kids out to dinner without him and then when he finally came home wondering what was for dinner to say "I'm sorry, I had no idea what your plans were so I made my own and we went out", "I don't want to have sex with you because right now I don't feel close to you - what you did last night hurt me and I'm not comfortable being intimate with you right now" (this one always sparked a fight and I learned to just ignore the rant). This is a good one "where were you?", he waould say, "I went to a movie- it was great- was hoping you'd come along but as usual you were out getting drunk and I didn't feel like waiting around for you to get home."

It might be a good idea, jenni, to make money not readily accessible. Don't carry cash. Move the majority of your money to a savings account and don't have an ATM card for it. That way, the only way to get money is to actually go to the bank and that can only happen when the bank is open.

I had to find ways to make enabling not possible or very difficult for me.

Ya can't continue to live like this jenni. What happened last night and this morning? Hope to hear from you soon.

and of course I don't mind you calling out my name on a thread silly billy.

free

October 5, 2003
2:41 pm
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I completely support your concept of the detox for co-dependents, we need to add, massage therapy, yoga, weight loss diet, micro dermabrasion, and a resume assistance. Divorce lawyers, restraining orders, and in some cases grants, and loans, housing assistance, oh, hell make it a 60 - 90 day program. You have a good idea what is going on, and know what is in your best interest. You are aware of his behaviors, and can protect your self, you are smart, even if emotionally wounded. This is all about you now, so take care of your self.

October 5, 2003
2:54 pm
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Ladeska
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Support is key here... You have to find that... make a game plan and go day by day here. Sometimes hour by hour... Just put the power back into "your" hands here and don't offer it over - to him. If you let him drive the car, you'll end up over the cliff. YOU drive the car and do it in your own best interests. Leaving him to his own choices may hurt like hell but it may very well be the best thing you ever did for him. But there is no doubt that it will be the best thing - for you. What he does with his own life - is what - he does. And of course he won't like you removing what he's been used to abusing in you. He's like a bratty spoiled child. He's had it real good with you taking all this for this long. Well...all good things must come to an end, especially when.....it's not good "for you" and YOU matter here.

If you're ever really going to love another person in this life - you have to love yourself first. Is living like this - really love yourself?

October 5, 2003
2:55 pm
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Meant to say - really "loving" yourself..don't me, half asleep over here...ugh...

October 6, 2003
9:01 pm
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jenni from the block
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Hi, I'm here...First of all, Thank you all, so very very much for your responses. Your support and acceptance has been invaluable to me. I'm sorry I haven't written sooner, I haven't had the energy.

I just want everyone to know I am okay..Exhausted and encased in a bubble of denial, but okay. He came back just as I suspected when the money ran out and the high wore off. I will skip the details because I can't face the reality of it at this time, but he checked himself into a local detox type place the next day. We are not speaking at this time, and have agreed to separate. It's easier for me to do this knowing he is in a safe place.

I pray to God, that I stay strong. Ladeska, you said it, he is poison to me. I love him, but he does nothing to enhance my life. I am a mess and I can't live like this anymore.

I need to break for a few days, from thinking, from crying, from my grief. I will write again, in a few days.

You guys, whoever you are, are amazing. Thanks again.

October 6, 2003
9:25 pm
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free
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My thoughts and prayers will be with you jenni. Whatever happens, I hope you come back.

No beating yourself up. It's so easy when on the outside to talk about enabling behavior. But on the inside, when you're in it, it's a desperate situation, and consequently, one often takes desperate measures.

No beating up jenni. Okay jenni? Anybody who's been there won't do that. So why should you.

You're doing the best that you can do, and that's all anybody can ask of you.

free

October 6, 2003
11:09 pm
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Ladeska
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I'm glad to see a break in the storm clouds for you, some kind of reprieve, because you do need the "rest" most desperately. Take it. Refuel. Please realize that you can't ride the fence anymore in all this. It has to either be yes or no and no stuttering. Getting splinters in your butt, sweetie.

If he can check himself in, then he's a big boy and he can stay in, he can walk straight away from all this, he can DO alot of things. He's not an imbecile here. He has choices, he has a brain and don't be deceived into believing that this isn't just another ploy.... He goes in, gets all shiny and new and "who wouldn't want him now, right?" He's so squeaky clean and full of promises and blah, blah, blah. You really want or need to go around with that one again?

Whatever he does after this - needs to just be his own business. You're not his mother, didn't take him to raise. He's made alot of choices in his life that have brought him - right precisely "here". None of which - did you hold a gun to his head and make him do.

So, if you're left holding the empty bag here and have been getting nothing but grief and pain from all this, then what's your payoff? Anything but more grief and pain? Shouldn't there be a cutoff valve here? Can't you "do" that, sweetheart? The world won't end as you know it. No one will take you out back an shoot you for it. They won't raise a efigy of you in the town square, call you names and light in on fire because you don't give him "one more chance". He's on his own. And YOU need to take care of YOU.

So rest up, get the fog outa your brain, be decisive and make a really PRO-YOU decision here and STICK to it, come hell or high water. Giving you a kick in the butt and a hug at the very same time. (smile) Now for the next 48 yours - pamper yourself! You do know HOW, right? If not - learn!

October 6, 2003
11:24 pm
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unhappy camper
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You deserve a rest my dear. Take time for yourself. Don't try to figure out the future. Just think of today.

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