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In a strange mood
August 14, 2001
12:12 am
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silence
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I guess it happenes when I get bored like this. I have nothign to do. Classes start in a few weeks, and my mind gets restless. I have a need to lash out and make jokes at people. nothing cruel or humiliating, but a part of me is trying to come out. I just want to be a pain in the ass for no reason what-so-ever.

August 14, 2001
12:15 am
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silence
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I mean... The dream place hasn't updated in weeks, nothing interesting is going on in the news, my sister is moving out... I want to do something different with my life. I need a change of pace... or style.

I've been thinking about dying my hair blue. I should have done crap like this when I was a teenager, but I was so damn boring when I was a kid.

I need to start a bad habit. What's better, smoking or drinking?

August 14, 2001
12:21 am
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malaikau
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If you want to dye your hair blue, go for it. Age is just a number. Attitude is everything!!!

August 14, 2001
9:30 am
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sue2001
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agreed

August 14, 2001
1:45 pm
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Floating in the clouds
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I totally know the feeling, I was sitting out of school for about a year and when it was almost time to go back i felt the same way.....do what you like....go out to a club or resturant with a couple of friends, that is the best place to look and even laugh at people...it happens there and you leave it there.....there is no age limit to having fun!

August 14, 2001
3:57 pm
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eve
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Do it. Whatever. If you feel like you need a change, just go playfully. You sound old enough to get a little weird 🙂
Organize a party where everybody has to turn up in historical costumes, dye your hair, meet different people, meet the usual people in different ways, ask the questions you find interesting - even if they might be slightly impolite.... surprise others and keep your eyes open for surprises.
I guess it's summertime that does that to you. By the way I, too was a very boring kid - doesn't have to stay that way.
Take care 🙂

August 14, 2001
4:01 pm
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janes
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Ya go for it.....be silly just don't be dangerous to your self...

Ya know....help someone....

borrow somebody's kids who needs a break for a few hours....

help an o.t..(old timer)

August 14, 2001
4:52 pm
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gingerleigh
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Learn to play the bagpipes...

That might be more detrimental to your health than smoking or drinking, if you practice at midnight in your apartment complex *grin*

Let us know what you decide! You sound creative, I'll bet it will be pretty fun...

August 15, 2001
3:01 am
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silence
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Ever have one of those bouts with mortality. It's the one thing I can't stand. I was watching Monty Python's Meaning of Life and during the galaxy song, my brain started to whirl about life. I hit upon concepts such as eternity and nothingness and a phrase kept running through my head, "nothing ever lasts forever"

Then, for no reason, I felt panic. My brain couldn't take the idea of eventually stopping. As much as I know I'm going to die one day, the thought that there might not be anything after death makes me feel really weird. It's times like this when I know why there is religion. Where would we be if someone wasn't assuring us that everything won't end permanently when we die.

Even atheists must have a tiny streak of agnosticism inside. How else could you live life with the constant nagging thought that when it's over, it's ALL over.

Maybe I'll shave my head or get a crew-cut instead.

August 15, 2001
3:13 am
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silence
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You know... something else just occured to me. I was going to post it in my dream group, but when I thought abotu it, I should probably just dump it here. I have a little bit of an insane streak in me. Or just an overactive fantasy life. For months I've been wanting to try something. I want to see if telekinetic powers really exists. I thought that maybe the reason people can't reach that level of mind power stems from not trying at the right moment. maybe when our brains are in sleep mode, it would be easier to develop such powers of the mind. But, in order to test that theory, I'd have to become conscious of my sleep state while dreaming. I have only been able to do that twice in my life.

This morning I actually became aware in my sleep. It helps that I started a dream log online. I have been recalling my dreams more vividly lately. But this morning I actually became aware of being asleep, and tried to move something in the room I was sleeping. Instead of anything magical happening, I woke myself up trying.

I know it was stupid to even try, but you never know until you do.

August 15, 2001
3:16 am
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silence
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And the real pisser about my dream was that I couldn't remeber anythingt. I don't know what prompted me to suddenly know I was in a dream, I don't even know what I was doing in the dream. The only thing I can remeber is suddenly being aware I was dreaming. This kind of sucks because I haven't been able to recall a dream in 2 weeks.

August 15, 2001
7:48 pm
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gingerleigh
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I think this might be called lucid dreaming... a web search might turn up more useful stuff on it.

A friend of mine told me once that he could have lucid dreams whenever he wanted... but it took some training on his part. He basically every 15 minutes or so would ask himself if he was asleep. He got so into this habit, that eventually even in his dreams, he would ask "hey, am I asleep?" and from that point on he could control his dreams and do whatever he liked in them.

August 16, 2001
1:24 pm
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silence
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The main problem I have is that when I become aware that I am dreaming, I immediately wake up. Conciousness is too powerful that way.

Although it is a pretty funny story about the first time I became aware I was dreaming. I switched the dream from whatever it used to be, to dirty sex. After about 5 seconds I woke up completely when my arm movements woke me up. It turns out that I wasn't banging a hot chick in my dream, but I was beating off in my bed. D'oh.

Well... it's all over, I went into the unisex hair place and told them to shave it. So now I have a nice and easy to manage buzz cut. mid-life crisis narrowly averted... I think.

August 17, 2001
11:16 am
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eve
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silence,
whith mortality, I feel just the other way round. If I didn't know for *sure* that my life will be over when its over, I guess I wouldn't ever be able to find any peace in my life. I remember the evening when it occured to me that "all" that my life is about, is that I want to be able to close my life peacefully and in full conscience of all the things I've done, acchieved, left out, experienced, suffered, and created - hopefully not too soon. I think this is a valid goal for life: live it like it will come to an end that you will be able to experience.
Make any sense?
Eve

August 17, 2001
11:17 am
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eve
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silence,
whith mortality, I feel just the other way round. If I didn't know for *sure* that my life will be over when its over, I guess I wouldn't ever be able to find any peace in my life. I remember the evening when it occured to me that "all" that my life is about, is that I want to be able to close my life peacefully and in full conscience of all the things I've done, acchieved, left out, experienced, suffered, and created - hopefully not too soon. I think this is a valid goal for life: live it like it will come to an end that you will be able to experience.
Make any sense?
Eve

August 17, 2001
5:25 pm
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silence
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yeah. I know where you're coming from. But I was freaking out my better judgement a few nights ago. I thought to myself, sure I can make the most out of life. I could become worshipped and be the most famous man to ever walk the face of the earth. There could be great statues of me erected all over the place. But what does that mean, when eventually the universe could end. Then all that accomplishment would be for nothing. In the end there wasn't any mark I ever made. That's what I think scares me... eventual nothingness. Knowing that in the future there may be nothing.

And that's something that freaks me out as well. Thinking, what if there never was anything? What if life never happened? It sends my mind into a weird place and I start to panic.

August 17, 2001
7:27 pm
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eve
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Well, I don't know for sure if there actually is anything. But I'm pretty sure that I *think* that there are a lot of goings-ons :-). Kind of like *I think therefore I am*. And that has always been good enough for me - feelingwise. So, while I'm logically aware that I might be something completely irrelevant floating in nothingness, I am nevertheless sure that I feel like standing on solid ground. And I can't tell you why - I don't think this is a decision I have taken - it just happened some afternoon when I was 20something. I can get scared shitless by *ordinary* questions like, what about my job, will I be able to find a partner and eventually have a family, will I be able to find or keep friendships. But I'm never scared by the universe in general, maybe that would just be too much to get my thoughts around. I guess it's not about thinking at all, but some kind of spirituality?

August 17, 2001
10:01 pm
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Cracker
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Silence, you're talking to the Master Pain in the Ass. You know, some will think it's a shortcoming and they'll call you on it, but you know what, as long as you're THERE for your friends, family, neighbors, and whomever else is in need, does it really matter whether we were thought of as royal pains in the ass? I don't think so. What people will remember about us is not so much the pranks but whether we really gave a sh/t or not. People here may think I'm the biggest a-hole to walk the earth, but if you hung with me, it's most likley you'll find that I'm the guy who will take care of your cat when you're away, or the guy who remembers your birthday when everyone else forgot, or maybe even the guy who takes you to LaGuardia when no one else in their right mind will go near that craphole. So Silence, my suggestion to you is this: as long as you show heart to be there when the times get rough, that's all that matters. that's when you find out who your real friends are anyway - thru the adverse times. If you're there for them then, then I'm sure as hell think they'll figure out a way to deal with your pranks. My friends have stuck by me for 32 freakin years and I haven't lost any of them other than to unfortunate deaths or what have you. i think that says a lot. They all know that the Cracker was there for them and in the end, that was all that mattered to them. Hope this helps and maybe I won't get this post deleted. As long as you get to read it, that's all I ask for anyway. Later gotta get outta here, the facilities are closing up shop.

August 17, 2001
10:07 pm
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I suppose what I was trying to say as I was on my frickin "soapbox" is that as long as you were there for your friends, you'll have always left a mark on life, bro. Maybe not your own, but sure as hell everyone elses. In the end you're as important as how many people showed up for your funeral... and if you were there for them, you'll be sure to have packed the place bro. That's what I was trying to say and now I'm gotta get off. later

August 18, 2001
2:02 am
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silence
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Just in case your post does get deleted, I have to start with, This is a response to Cracker's post. 8^P I don't want to look like a complete psycho now, do I?

I agree with you on sticking with friends and all, but I have to say that I'm not too good in the friend department. I really have only 2 friends at the moment. One of them has a new girlfriend and hasn't spoken to me for 3 months, and the other friend is a complete jerk.

I'm not that close with any members of my family either. The only one I get along with pretty well is my sister, but she lives across the country. So I have to live each day with myself as my only company these days. Too much time alone gives too much time to think about all the stuff that goes wrong.

August 19, 2001
12:47 pm
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stardreamer
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sometimes try letting your dreams guide you instead of you trying to guide the dream. We can learn a lot about us from our dreams there are symbols in our dreams that can guide us or even give us some insight on what we need to do. If you do this you might just find the key to unlock the desire of the "magic" you are truly trying to find. Keep up the work and let me know. Stardreamer

August 19, 2001
10:47 pm
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silence
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I don't really go for that whole arena of dreams being omens and fortune tellers. I once picked up a dream interpretation book that I threw away shortly after because all it said was, "You will have good financial luck" or "you will meet a new lover soon."

For the most part, my dreams happen on their own accord. Only a few times have I become aware enough to try to change a dream, but all I ever did was wake up because of it.

August 25, 2001
7:21 am
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silence
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I'm going to have another big change of life soon. probably this weekend. I've reached my breaking point on a friend of mine. He's been too manipulative and critical of me lately. We're trying to start a business together, but I don't think that it's possible anymore. Instead of a partnership, he is the boss and I do everything he says. Any idea I have is instantly rejected and forgotten about. Any idea he has must be thought about and worked with.

He has threatened to dump me in the past. He wasn't so serious abotu it as he was trying to keep me from having a cantrary opinion to him. But, that moment has stuck in my head for the past few months.

The reason I think that everything is going to break down this weekend is because I know him too well. All summer he has done nothing but work in his current job, and expect me to do all the new business things without any direction. Again, everything I come up with creatively is instantly killed. He now wants to do some work on Thrusday and Friday, but my classes start on Monday. I'm not available now. I have been sitting at home all summer waiting to get some real work done, but he would only make time to go to sports games and down to the beach on weekends. He told me last week that I am causing a problem since my school schedule is now conflicting with the future business.

I know what's going to happen this weekend... at some point he's going to blame me for wasting his prescious time and I'm finally going to break down and go ape-shit on him, pay him his $200 back, and leave forever. It's going to break me financially, but this relationship has gone on long enough. I'm tired of taking his crap.

Unfortunately this leaves me with only one friend who I never see anymore because he's a network bitch for the company he works for. On call 24/7 and he just got a new girlfriend. SO I probably won't be seeing him any time soon either.

Oh well. I guess I'll just concentrate on school for a while.

August 26, 2001
11:26 pm
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lazydazy
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im kind of late tapping in but the dream thing...its wierd but i realized as soon as I read this that I have been able to control my dreams before. Its such an amazing thing. At first it starts with me being "aware" that I am dreaming, then i am "aware" that i am aware of my dreaming and then i realize that i could do whatever I want in my dream and not get in trouble for it and realize that its such a great feat to walk around in a fantasy state.

I was just thinking about this whole meaning of life question...ive been a complete stress adict for the longest time and I dont know why? What is it for? Am I completely stressed because i feel that if i stop"going, going, goin" that ill "fall" and think of myself as a complete failure? I think of the times i was happiest...such idealistic thoughts, people were genuinely nice, a connectedness to all things, i felt grounded, in touch with humanity and myself. I was younger and had less to worry about..but I was so happy! Maybe its not happiness for all but I was happy when I was giving and helping others. I didnt expect anything else in return. I listened to others and could feel what they were feeling before they even spoke. And now I dont feel this way. I get angry and bitter at others..im a succesful person, why am i bitter???, the stress is killing me...slowly but surely. I feel materialistic and insensitive at times.

But about the rebellious thing...i get in moods like that an awful lot. If things get too boring, i want to raise some hell. I always thought it was the ADD kickin in. I get in fits where I pick fights with people, not completely mean...but just playfully fighting and being sarcastic. I do spontaneous things alot, like grabbing friends and rollerblading at 4 am...in fact, i havent done anything like that in awhile...maybe its time...keep on kickin

August 28, 2001
6:31 am
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silence
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stress? I think I'm the antidote for stress. A lot of people think that I am constantly high, but the truth is that I'm naturally mellow. A couch potato by birth. I don't understand how people can throw themselves in situations where all they do is worry about everything. That may sound strange coming from me right now, but on this board I pretty much vent all frustration I have. The rest of the time I'm practically comatose.

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