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In A Bad Way
October 15, 2006
6:55 pm
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cyndra820
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September 29, 2010
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Right now I'm AWFUL!!

I'm mixing my xso. I want to pick up the phone so badly and hear his voice.

I am feeling so badly about myself. I am so sorry for the way I treated him. He didn't deserve to have to go through this with me. All my codependent issues and the mixed signals I sent. My not knowing what I want or need. I hurt him so badly and I'm so sorry.

All I can do right now is cry. I feel like crap. I want to crawl in a hole and cry for an hour or so. I'm cleaning to keep my mind off of it.

I can't stop crying. I'm cleaning and crying!! LOL

I know it will be better in a little while after I've cried myself out, but right now I feel worthless. I miss him and I want him to tell me that I'm not evil. That I'm doing the right thing.

I KNOW that's wrong. That's part of my illness. The need for approval. I KNOW it, but it's there. I keep looking at it and telling it to go away. Why won't it listen?!!

Okay, getting a bit better now. Going to clean some more. Thanks for listening to me vent.

October 15, 2006
8:04 pm
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needtoheal
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September 24, 2010
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hI cINDRA---
I KNOW HOW YOU ARE FEELING.. AND I THINK THAT IT IS GOOD FOR YOU TO KEEP BUSY CONSTRUCTIVELY IN CLEANING... YOU HAVE TO FIND WHAT WORKS FOR YOU...
IT SURE CAN BE A ROLLERCOASTER RIDE..

HANG IN THERE.. AND THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE WHO ARE HERE FOR YOU...

October 15, 2006
8:42 pm
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chelonia mydas
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September 24, 2010
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{{{Cyndra)))

I clean when I am upset too. I can totally relate to the whole cleaning n crying routine. Been doing it a bit today myself (I asked my H to leave and he finally did last week).

Try not to be so hard on yourself... you are trying to heal and get healthy. I am glad to see you are recognizing some of your problems and trying to fix them. That is wonderful and you should be so proud that you are able to do that. You are on a path to creating a better future. Change can be so painful but in the end you will be a much happier person. Just feels bad right now. Its OK- I support your growth and can sympathize with your pain.

Chelonia

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