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I'm with a verbal abuser and I'm codependent
March 22, 2010
7:17 pm
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lost and on eggshells
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September 30, 2010
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atalose,
I don't know if my ex and I have unresolved issues. I bottled everything up because we had a new baby and I had a new business I was starting and very overwhelmed. I constantly wonder if this is where my insecurity is from and my very low self esteem. I cannot figure it out and it bothers me. I do feel very ashamed to tell any friends and family what I'm going through. What you described of your girlfriend I can relate to. I have shamefully gone by his house when he would break up with me to see if he had another woman there. I'm not living my life...I'm living HIS life as you put it and it's hurting me everyday. I don't want to be in this 3 years and yet I haven't gotten the courage to do anything about it yet. It's such a horrible feeling.

March 22, 2010
7:47 pm
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atalose
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O I know the horrible feelings well!!! Have you given any thought to counseling or codependent meetings?

Years ago a girl I worked with was in a very similar situation as you found yourself, she had a baby with the love of her life, had a good job then bam……….he announces he is gay and wants to pursue that life style. She was devastated not to mention being blamed for him being gay by his parents. They told her she was not woman enough and that’s what caused him to become gay. Every though she had about herself was negative, half buying into what his family was saying, half feeling dumb for not seeing he was gay and constantly questioning herself as a woman. Counseling helped her get all those thoughts under control and into the right perspective.

Her first real relationship after that was one big mess, she held on because she didn’t want to fail again, least that was her stinkin thinkin at the time. Back to counseling she went and after only a few sessions she cut the guy lose along with all the misery that relationship was causing her. Was it easy, NO but then again recovery for any of us isn’t easy, other wise everyone would be doing it, right!!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 22, 2010
9:46 pm
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lost and on eggshells
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I guess I haven't talked much about what happened with my ex and have kept a lot bottled but I feel the same as your friend did. It's a horrible feeling and I felt like our entire marriage wasn't real. I guess maybe I do hang onto this abuser because I'm 38 and I feel like I haven't been really loved and don't want to lose him. He's really my only friend and companion right now and I am scared to let him go. How is your friend doing now? I feel so weak and afraid all the time.

March 23, 2010
2:14 pm
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atalose
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Today my friend is re-married, has been for almost 14 years and is very happy with herself and her life.

This was something she told me a long time ago:

Change is hard. Change is scary. But, you can't get to where you want to be until you let go of where you are.

She had a terrible time in letting go, she kept thinking if she did this or that, lose weight, change her hair color, wear different clothes………..that he was going to love her as she wanted him to.

She finally ended her relationship with him for good, the day after she was released from the hospital for severe anxiety and panic attacks related to her inability to let go. She went into counseling and spent time working on her.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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