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I'm with a verbal abuser and I'm codependent
March 14, 2010
2:05 pm
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lost and on eggshells
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TITLE: I'm verbal abused and codependent

I have been dating my boyfriend for 18 months now and I'm miserable. I am timid and allow him to run me. He doesn't live with me but we did work at the same company. I lost my job recently and blame myself because my focus has turned to complete misery and on him. I've lost contact with my friends and family and only focus on him. He breaks up with me frequently and has done it again today. He's threatening to break up with me because I asked him to make a gesture by putting a picture of us on his facebook or change his status to say he's in a relationship. Right now he has not status and no pictures of us on it. He makes me feel wrong all the time when I voice my opinion and it's not what he wants. I cry all the time and now jobless so I feel even more worthless. Is anyone else experiencing anything similar that has any advice for me? I am having a hard time bringing myself to move off the couch.

March 14, 2010
2:59 pm
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Anonymous
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Hello:

You have lost a lot in this relationship, but you realize you are being abused and are codependent. That is a good point to start to heal.

You need to start taking care of you and realize you are not in a caring and loving relationship. You also need to raise your self esteem so you will not accept bad treatment from anyone.

Take a look at the resources at http://www.drirene.com and read the stories at the catbox.

Beverly Engel's books on the emotionally abused woman were a great help to me.

You can turn your life around because you are aware of the situation. Reach out to your family and friends and break through your isolation.

You cannot change him but you can change yourself and your situation for you. Do something nice for you today 🙂 You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect and consideration always. Your opinions in fact matter a great deal!

Moon & Stars

March 14, 2010
7:19 pm
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lost and on eggshells
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Thank you Moon and Stars,
It was nice to hear positive feedback and encouragement. I feel so lost and alone and this is my first time for writing about this. Thank you again!

March 14, 2010
8:15 pm
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Anonymous
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I do know how you feel. I have been there and am slowing moving forward.

You are not lost. You are actually finding yourself again by reaching out for help.

The weekends can be slow here, but I am sure you will hear from others.

Learn all you can. You have to break away from this abuser and continue to build yourself up. You need to look into yourself and past to understand why you would allow anyone to treat you badly. And then, you won't ever again 🙂

Also look into Pia Melody's books on love addiction, Women who Love to much is also helpful. And read about abandonment.

See if you can find a codep meeting your area or at least al-anon. Isolation is not your friend.

You have taken a huge first step by asking for help here. I know how difficult that is too.

Hugs!

M&S

March 14, 2010
8:19 pm
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Anonymous
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Take a look at this article. If it describes your guy, lace up your running shoes and fly before he damages you anymore. Be assured, the abuse is harming your mental and physical health 🙁 Start your healing asap.

http://www.heartless-bitches.c.....buse.shtml

March 14, 2010
9:58 pm
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lost and on eggshells
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Thank you so much! Just hearing from you makes me feel a little bit stronger. It is so hard for me to escape him and get away. He has broken up with me so many times now if I speak up for myself and we always get back together. It's a vicious circle that I'm having a hard time getting out of. I have a hard time saying no and ignoring him. I have to find some strength I guess because my world has changed so much and I know it. I used to have friends and enjoyed going out. I lost my friends because I was afraid to do stuff with them and I've given everything I have to him. Thank you again and I will look at the sites and books you recommend.

March 14, 2010
10:19 pm
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LouWho
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Follow Moon and Stars...this is a person with their feet solidly on the ground.

March 15, 2010
7:35 am
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lost and on eggshells
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He is giving me the silent treatment now and isn't saying a word. I feel so alone and have no ambition to do anything. I sit in my house on my computer looking for a job all day and cry because I'm a loser. He isn't talking to me and I don't know what will happen. He acts like he hates me for asking him to put a status on his facebook that we're in a relationship. Am I wrong? I always question myself. He says we're way to old for that crap and what he does for me should show me he cares and not a status on facebook. But I've dated him 18 months and he won't even show a picture of us on there. I'm so confused.

March 15, 2010
8:33 am
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Lost,
Moon has given you some very good advice. I too can relate to what you are going through. I have been there. You are showing classic codependent behavior. You are not a loser. You are way too focused on him. You need to take care of You! Some books that have helped me are Melody Beattie’s books, “Codependent No More” and “The language of Letting Go”. Don’t worry about him. Do whatever you need to do to feel good about yourself. I’m sending you cyberhugs.
((((Hugs))))

March 15, 2010
11:34 am
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StronginHim77
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1. Stop having sex with him.

2. Stop taking his calls.

3. Stop calling/texting/emailing him.

4. Stop having sex with him.

5. Stop having sex with him.

6. Stop having sex with him.

It is time to put a value on yourself and draw the line. This man is a player. If he is sleeping you and enjoying all the sexual perks/benefits of that intimate privilege, yet treats you this poorly, you need to unload him. He does not love you. Love does not do these things.

Remember that you cannot change him. You cannot MAKE him love you (or anyone else for that matter). The best thing you can do is scrape up your pride, gather your courage and whatever remains of your dignity/self-worth and dump this user/abuser.

He doesn't deserve you.

And I promise you...the more you pull away and the less you "need" him, the more he will try to get you back. Don't buy it. Once he is sure he's got you, the abuse and cruelty will resume.

- Ma Strong

March 15, 2010
11:49 am
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lost and on eggshells
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I appreciate the messages so very much and will look at the reading material you recommend. I really need to hear it. For some reason I am too depressed to tell anyone else about this right now and I am glad I found this site yesterday. I am so addicted to the behavior and giving into him that it's hard for me to say no. I know I have a huge amount of insecurity and feel I won't find anyone else. My husband of 11 years told me he was gay when I just had our son and quit my job of 12 years with his encouragement. I have been on my own for 7 years now and this man is the first man I've been close to since my husband. I'm so scared and afraid of how addicted I am to this relationship and his abuse. It's so hard to tear away from him. I've been trying and will continue. He punishes me all the time and I know it. It's just I see him out with other women and he's so charming and nice and they're all attracted to him and it pains me so much at the thought of him being with someone else. I think this is my biggest challenge.... to stop thinking of him with another woman. I can't stand it.

March 15, 2010
4:25 pm
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CAMER
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why not try to get in touch with your old friends??? I thinking having
close bonds will help you get stronger, you probably feel so alone.

Reach out, make new friends, pair up with the older friends, attend Coda meeting, being "out" there more will make you feel better, it will take away that "alone" feeling.

Start saying NO to your bf, its easier once you start it.....and mean it!

Take all these lil' steps to know you are important and deserve better, believe in yourself and know you are worth it!!

((((camer)))))

March 15, 2010
6:44 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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i agree with mastrong. I also want to add, concentrate on yourself and your dreams and follow them. then you will be in position to have a good relationship when it comes along. (and it will come)

March 15, 2010
6:51 pm
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lost and on eggshells
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Thank you CAMER and Tiger Trainer,
I am having difficulty picking up the phone and afraid to bring them into my drama of a world with this man. I'm so low and not sociable. I used to be very outgoing and now I am scared and insecure with everything I do and say. I sit here right now and wish he would send me an email but he is punishing me and won't contact me for a while. I want to be strong enough to ignore his emails when they come over. I feel so stupid because I know this is a toxic relationship and I've tried so many times to be strong and get out.

March 15, 2010
7:24 pm
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StronginHim77
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Why would you give your body to be sexually used by a man who values you so little?

He doesn't love you. He is only using you for sex when it's convenient and no one else is available.

Face the pain and tell him the "Booty Bank" is closed.

You deserve better than this degrading treatment.

- Ma Strong

March 15, 2010
7:42 pm
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Hi Lost:

Your friends and family love you and I am sure they miss you too! They probably don't know what is going on and don't know what to do to help you.

Let them support you. I understand the shame of letting someone abuse you. But you did nothing wrong except love the wrong person, an abuser 🙁

You are confused because emotional and verbal abuse is a form of brainwashing. It causes the victim to doubt her/himself.

This is why you need to strengthen yourself to break away before you are further damaged. Read about "betrayal bonds or trauma bonds." You need to establish boundaries (see http://www.joy2meu.com), build your self esteem and self assertivness. You can do this with small steps.

His silence is a gift to you. It is an opportunity to clear your head and get some help. Block his email for awhile and his calls. He is deliberately hurting your feelings and disrespecting you. Your beautiful self is screaming in protest at his cruel treatment. Listen to that voice. It is your most primal scream for survival!

Tomorrow, get up, get dressed and go out. Associate with other people. It is amazing how well everyone else will treat you, even strangers. Tell everyone you know you are looking for a job. Start networking.

In my entire life, NO ONE treated me with more disrespect, dishonor and emotional cruelty than the man who claimed to "love me so much."

Reclaim your life, honey. Small steps will get you there 🙂

You can do it, and you are worth it 🙂

March 15, 2010
9:26 pm
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lost and on eggshells
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Moon and Stars,
You are so encouraging and give me hope. I appreciate your wisdom and your literature recommendations. I love to read and can't get enough knowledge on this abuse. I would never have guessed myself to ever be in this situation and feel like a helpless silly fool. (((Thank you))))

March 16, 2010
6:39 pm
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Anonymous
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GREAT that you are reading and learning all you can. It will help you to clarify the issues. Knowledge truly is power 🙂 Just remember that the forensic study can come when you are OUT of harms way. Take excellent care of yourself. I hope to hear you did something wonderful for you today 🙂

I always wanted to say that you are not helpless, silly, or a fool. In fact, you have great personal power, but must recognize it and harness it. You are probably very serious, reliable and trustworthy, not silly at all! And not foolish but big hearted, overly forgiving, extremely loving, giving and understanding. And you are in good company...we truly are exceptional 🙂

So turn all those wonderful characteristics inward and be kind, gentle, caring, loving, forgiving and generous with YOU 🙂

BTW, you may want to check out http://www.straightspouse.com to deal with what has to be trauma from the dissolution of your marriage. I am sorry. 🙁

Hang in there. You are moving forward, even if you don't know it. Identifying the problem is enormous! 🙂

March 16, 2010
9:17 pm
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lost and on eggshells
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Thank you Moon and Stars:
I will look at this site as well and absolutely love getting these from you. I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow for my deep depression before it gets worse. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore and I'm afraid I don't see a way out. I'm hoping this will help.

March 16, 2010
9:29 pm
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GREAT! Glad you are seeing the doctor and taking care of yourself.

Lifting the depression will help you to make good decisions and care for yourself!

A brave step in the right direction.

It will help and good for you for taking the intiative 🙂

Try to see a counselor to help you make a plan to get out of the relationship. You are doing well. Make a plan and write it down and include deadlines for yourself. You really are doing well. 🙂

March 21, 2010
11:00 am
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lost and on eggshells
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Last Thursday I started a day program for depression with others. I was hoping they would touch a little on codependecy but in the 2 days I was there it was a lot of anger management and meditation. I'm going again this week but I was so sad that the 2 days I was there it didn't help and I feel so down and depressed that I will never be strong enough to get out. I let him say and do whatever he wants to me. He is so inconsiderate of me and my feelings and I have been trying to rethink things when I have negative thoughts and spin it around. I know this is about me and not him. I wish I understood why I feel I deserve this treatment.

March 22, 2010
8:58 am
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hugsneeded
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Hello LOE!
I was so saddened reading your post. This 'codependency' seems to be a disease of the modern world. Where is the love? I understand why you can't let go of this toxic relationship. At least a little 'loving' is better than no love hey! It seems impossible to think we are deserving of 'real' love and wonder sometimes if it actually exists... that someone somewhere might actually be capable of loving us? After all you've been through in the past it's no wonder you cling to these few crumbs of affection that are on offer from this jerk. When you're in pain it's hard to believe that by working on yourself you will finally achieve happiness and the love you deserve.
It takes time... a long time and a lot of hard work, mostly by yourself. It's a lonely path full of obstacles and temptations...and most people don't recover from codependency - fact! But if you realise that what you are holding on to now is a sinking ship and that unless you start swimming fast, you are going under and will drownn Make a determined effort to say "No!"... You must realise you are worth much more than what he offers. Truth hurts.. this guy is a loser and a user...he won't change. He got used to being this way to get along.
I believe, from my own journey that indestructible self-belief is key. Despite what anyone tells you - believe you are beautiful, talented, worthy and unique.... radiate this power and you will ultimately win. without this self-belief you will not survive. So... survive or sink? Let that make you strong and prepare for a lonely road ahead because being unique and determined never to lower your standards is a lonely road. Don't think your situation is different from the majority of people who tolerate all kinds of abuse and dysfunction in order to get along day to day. There are many people out there who won't like a strong and self confident person - it acts as a mirror to their shortcomings. Go it alone and reach for the stars is my advice. Let the world be your oyster. Shine. We're only here for a short time and it's all precious. Let it all count and have value. Let the experience of life enrich you and embolden you. No time to lose and no time to waste on idiots like this loser... charmer/abuser/narcissist. What an ass!

March 22, 2010
4:36 pm
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lost and on eggshells
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hugsneeded,
I really want to thank you for your note. It sounds like you know exactly what I'm going through and what type of man I have. I'm afraid of letting him go and he doesn't offer me much. I have been writing to figure out what it is that he's giving me that I'm lacking within. I feel now that I'm 38 I won't find real love maybe. I know if I can break free of this narcissist relationship I will be very fearful to date for a long time. I'm afraid of myself and how I am too giving and sensitive to others needs. He has used my sincerity against me. I constantly tell myself that life is too short and I need to break away but to find this courage is very hard for me. I feel like a big baby because of my fear of abandonment I guess. Thank you for note! I know I will want to read this many times before I go to bed today when I don't hear from him to remind myself what a huge selfish jerk he really is.
((((Thanks))))

March 22, 2010
5:49 pm
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lost and on eggshells
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I just initiated a text to him and asked what he was doing tonight. He said 'nothing, just going to make dinner and go to bed'. He never asks about me or my day and never wants to see me on a week night. I don't want this to be another 18months of hell.

March 22, 2010
6:23 pm
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atalose
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lost and on eggshells,

I have been catching up and reading all the posts here, it appears to me that your ex husband’s announcement was no doubt a shock and maybe you’ve not resolved all the issues associated with that.

You mention you were alone for 7 years after the divorce and this is the fist man you have gotten close with. But from what you are saying, he doesn’t appear to be that close to you, he doesn’t even acknowledge you exist in his life, according to what you requested of him to do on his facebook. He gives you the silent treatment, and doesn’t offer you much at all………………so it’s in discovering what he does offer to you that keeps you attached to him and this off balanced relationship.

You mentioned not wanting to talk to friends and family about it, is that out of shame? Do you feel ashamed that you stay and tolerate what little this man offers to you?

18 months is NOT a lot of time that walking away for good is STILL an option and good option.

I wasn’t 3 years of my life on a man who always put himself and his wants ahead of me. He wouldn’t acknowledge me as a big part of his life and I did live in shame, my pretending we were something more then what was reality, kept me living in a “magical” fantasy world where all others were locked out. Guess I didn’t want to give up my fantasy and with my low self esteem didn’t want to face another relationship not working out. Hind sight is always 20/20 and looking back now I wish it was only 18 months and not 3 years of my life I wasted in fantasy land.

Another friend of mine is going through it now, her relationship has come down to nothing more then a 2:30AM booty call on Saturday nights if her so called BF has not picked up someone else by then. She won’t give up, digs her heels in further, does all the crazy things our obsession makes us do. She does drive bys to see if he home checks out all the parking lots of the bars he’s known to be in and checks up to see if he’s at work. She’s a busy girl WITH HIS LIFE………………….just not her own.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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