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I'm weak
September 29, 2005
10:21 pm
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catamount
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I can't even go a day without talking to my guy... we had a sort of fight yesterday... I get an email this morning telling me to "back the fuck off" of telling him that I wasn't satisfied or happy because it was a choice between me feeling bad or both of us feeling bad. So I wrote back saying "done." Telling myself that I'm just not going to get in touch with him again. Sure enough, I go a full 12 hours.. and then get online to see if he's emailed me, see him on IM, and decide to initiate a conversation like we're totally normal and good.. joking about my cats making me catch their mice, asking how his day was. Getting one or two word answers and just wanting to try harder to make him acknowledge me.

Argh.. I know I should have just never written to him. I knew it... but not getting in touch with him at all was just making me feel sick to my stomach. Now, barely hearing back from him, I still feel sick to my stomach. I just can't seem to do the right thing for myself or for him... I don't know what to do...

I couldn't eat most of the day... just sucking on candies. Can't feel hungry. It's just wrong for me to get so wrapped up in this... I need to go take a hot bath and go to bed. But I want to drink or something - just get numb, distracted, something....

September 29, 2005
10:27 pm
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gayle
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The longer you go with out talking to him the easier it gets and its ok if you slip up than you just start over and try again. Do take that bath, relax and sleep. Lethim go honey, he is doing nothing but hurting you.

September 29, 2005
10:34 pm
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Rasputin
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September 30, 2010
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Hi Catamount,

We all have these feelings, they are very controlling and indeed have stronghold over us that we feel addicted to that loved person.

This is how I felt toward my male friend as well and my strong emotions were getting the best of me. I wanted to follow him, call him when he is the type that doesn't call or return calls, he even confessed that to me once.

Until one day, I stumbled upon this site and it was real blessing. The wornderful folks here enabled me stop pursuing him. There are so many lovely posts that empowered me here, such as "Let go and let God." by T D Jakes.

I did not attend any coda meeting. But recently, I purchased Melody Beattie's book "Codependent no more." This book is very empowering, informative, enlightening. Several years ago, I read Robin's book "Women who love too much." I believe there is excerpt of it right now on the thread "Addictive Relationship."

Hang in there, keep reading as many posts as you can.

~Love, Ras~

September 29, 2005
11:17 pm
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catamount
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Why am I so intent on having him acknowledge me? And why is it so hard for him to do so? I just want to go shake him. It would be so easy for him to respond... Just give me an "I love you" or "I'd like to see you today." It takes like five seconds. It'd be easy, wouldn't it?

Days like this I just want to beat my head against a wall. Or his...

September 30, 2005
3:10 am
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Lass
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September 24, 2010
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Cat--
I think that we want them to turn around and acknowledge us because they sit in the "first chair" with us, dad's spot. The bf is representative of dad. We think somewhere inside, that if we can just replicate our family of origin issue, and have it turn out differently this time, all will be well with the world and us in it. Not an unreasonable thought, by the way, and very, very common. What might work, is redoing your relationship with dad some, if he is alive....Getting a better relationship with the source person can go a long way toward healing the riff about seeking someone who rejects us.

My personal theory? I think that when we reach a certain age, our dad's are somewhat attracted to us, and can't hang with it, so they reject us alltogether. We carry that wound into our adult relationships with similarly wounded men. We do the get away chase game.

Another interesting point is that they usually have the fear of.. intimacy.. commitment.. closeness issues, and feel real distress until they are free; meanwhile, we feel incredible distress until we are near and close, then aaaaahhhhh.

Love, Lass

September 30, 2005
8:02 am
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catamount
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I actually have a really good relationship with my dad - we've always been pretty close and able to talk to each other. The messed up family dynamic is with my depressed/self-absorbed/perfectionist mother. Not sure how that relates, but...

Anyway, I hereby resolve not to initiate contact with my guy today. If he initiates contact with me I will respond politely but I will not see him. Tomorrow I'll allow myself to call. Then I'm going to attempt two full days off. Wean myself away a bit at a time... It's like running... If I go a mile today, it'll be easier to do two tomorrow, rather than trying to do it all at once.

September 30, 2005
9:14 am
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catamount
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So I've decided that I'm going to post here when I get the urge to write him or something - just a way to distract myself/remind myself why I'm trying to do this today.

---
Avulsed

You are tattooed into me
inked under my skin
a jester's cap
a writer's pen
more myself than myself
because I chose to place you here.
The infection's passed,
you're simply
solidly
part of me.
Scar tissue that aches
in the rain.

Time's come to strip you away
be simply myself
content in my own skin.
The tearing is painful:
resistance to my fingernails
scrabbling under the ink of you.
Not because you cling,
rather that I do.

This is me choosing.
Choosing to give up
the ache of you
for the sake of peace
in the rain.

September 30, 2005
9:57 am
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gayle
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Cat that was beautiful and Just take it one day at a time and if that seems to much just get through this hour and then the next, take it as it comes and know that it does get easier with time!

September 30, 2005
10:08 am
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catamount
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Thanks... appreciate the support (really really really a lot...) I can't bring myself to talk to friends/family here about this because I feel ashamed, but I need to be able to be open, share, it makes it easier. Knowing there's support out there, even just words on a page makes it easier to move through the difficulty I've placed myself in...

September 30, 2005
10:12 am
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gayle
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Yeah and I am here for you! You dont have to go through this alone. Post here as much as you like and say whatever you need to- there is no judgement here just support ((((HUGS))))

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