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I'm totally losing it! husband on crack
October 13, 1999
3:25 pm
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Sierra
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September 27, 2010
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I just found out approx 6 months ago that my husband was having a problem with crack cocaine. Prior to finding this out, I had suspected something was wrong because of odd phone calls from people I didn't recognize and excuses to leave the house at late hours of the night to pick up a loaf of bread or 6 pack of beer. He had been spending way too much time in the bathroom and had me very concerned about his health as well. (This was where he was going to get high---the bathroom). Anyway, he left for work one day at 4:30am (his usual time), but didn't show up for work. His boss told me that he had called in saying he had overslept. My mind began to race....Is he having an affair? Where is he???!! He came home several hours later and told me that his work day was "alright" and tried to pass it off as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened. I told him that I had called there several times and his boss said that he had never showed up or called again. Luckily he didn't get fired. I asked him about an affair and he denied having one. This was when he decided it was time to tell me the truth. He needed my help because he was addicted to crack. His story was that he got high on the way to work and had parked in a parking lot in 107 degree heat not far from his workplace. He sat there until he felt capable enough to drive home or go in to work, which meant he spent 8 hrs in the heat, high and paranoid! We've been married for 7 years now and have lived together for 9 years. He confessed that he has smoked crack at least 4 or 5 times since last April, but that this was the first time he had done it away from home. Of course he promised, he SWORE that he'd NEVER do it again....NEVER! Well, last Tuesday night was his bowling night so he left at the usual time but didn't come home until almost 4am. His excuse: been out with the guys having a few beers and crashed out on their couch. After I hounded him for the truth, he confessed that he had been drinking and smoking "a little" crack but was too messed up to call or come home. He figured he could deal with the consequences later. So now here I am.....I lost my mother to cancer a year ago August...Have been totally dependant on my husband for 9 years, haven't worked the entire time, am trying to help my dad who is 75 years old cope with his worthless grand-daughter who just recently moved in with him and has made his life miserable. We just had our first new home built and moved in two days after my mother's funeral, so stand at risk to lose everything. Besides this, I am trying to raise his two stepchildren with no support from him. His kids are a problem themselves. I believe they are involved in gangs and have been in trouble in school and for breaking curfew and in trouble for drinking etc. One boy is 16, the other 17. Our phone is constantly ringing off the hook all hours of the day and night and people at the door. It's a complete madhouse! The boys steal from me, sifting through every bit of my personal belongings and just take as they please. It's a vicious circle! I myself have a problem too...depression, stress and take Ativan on a daily basis so I can sleep. I've let myself go completely and the bills keep piling up. In a way, it's like I've thrown in the towel. My husband is also an alcoholic. I've noticed that he's been going to extremes with everything including his drinking now. I managed with some encouraged from my sister to apply for an apartment, but will have to come up with $3000 to pay ahead since I'm unemployed. This is workable since I've kept a stash hidden at the bank with only my name on it, but the chances of a 45 year old woman getting a job after not working for 9 years could pose a problem. I won't have the results of the apartment until tomorrow morning. Doubts keep flooding my mind right now...Am I doing the right thing by moving out? How will I ever find a job and be able to handle working? Will this cause my husband to go on a binge? I'm so scared.....

October 15, 1999
9:33 am
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hazza
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hi sierra,
im also in a relationship where drugs and drink were involved and i understand your fears. One night my partner went out and did coke, after all the trouble we had had with his drinking he went and did the one thing i said i would not tolerate, suddenly i lost it i told him enough was enough, i had had enough of his verbal abuse, had enough of it all, told him to go, he couldn't find anywhere so he is still here, but he is now sober. I hope he will stick to it, but if he doesn't there is nothing i can do. it took me a long time o realise this. His choices are his choices, i can't control him, now im concentrating on me, i do not have any plans for the future, i have told him how he must be if he wants a future with me, that is all i can do.
you are doing the right thing by getting your own appartment, please concentrate on you and you alone. Your husband makes his own dicisions, tell him what you demand if he wants to be with you and then leave it, i know it is scary to think that they will go on a binge but sooner or later you have to stop assuming that responsibility, he is letting you do all his worrying for him.
i feel like a new person since i realised that my partner was not my responsibility, we have talked about it and i realised that i was enabling him to be like that by doing his thinking for him, next time your husbands boss phones don't make exuses, that is your husbands boss, he is an adult. You have to be prepared to risk losing everything just to get back to reality, i know it is scary but when you do you will look back on these times and see that in reality, this situation was much more scary that real life, where we each look after ourselves.
please tell your husband what you want and what you won't tolerate and then stick to it, he needs this as much as you. You are not his doctor, mother, drugs concellor ar anything else you are his wife,
my partner has since taken an exam to get a job, he did very well, i went on holiday while he studied, i didnt worry about if he was drinking i enjoyed myself. i had spent years looking after him, paying for him etc, he now knows he must do his share and if he doesn't then he is history.
I think that is what they call tough love, read the co/dependency threads and you will see how much i have changed in the last couple of months, along with everyone else. These threads have helped me so much, i hope they help you,
it is a horrible place to be, where you are right now, i would never have hought i could have changed my own situation as much as i have done, i was so scared and lost, but it does get easier, i first had to realise that i was as much part of the problem by being too scare to say "i will not take this shit anymore" but i did and things are so much better.
Peace to you in this time and keep writing,
Hazza

October 15, 1999
9:38 am
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lost soul
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Sierra,
I am so sorry after reading your thread.(Another tragedy)It seems everybody here are or have suffered from various kind of problems.Is that the reason why we are all here? Nevertheless,please be strong and focus on the possitive.Form my own experiences, the bad time will passed.45 years old is not to old to start a job.So long as its a fullfilling job for you.People starts over again in their 50s,60s and some 70s.so, whats the problem with age.So long as there are still live, there will be hopes too.Am I right?
All the best to you!

from:Hope

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