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I'm Tired of Living
December 7, 2001
11:25 pm
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Jaskid
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I am feeling like I just want to die. I'm tired of living...I'm tired of fighting.
One minute I feel like I am going to be ok, the next I don't think I'm going to make it through today or tomorrow. The sadest part is I have so many lives depending on me to be strong, Can I? Will I? How can I be strong for them If I am dying inside? I feel like I'm 500lbs and I can't breath. It's all too much....too overwhelming! I have let my life get to kaotic, I dont' know if it can be fixed. I mean I don't think I can be fixed. I am so broken.

:(Jaskid

December 8, 2001
12:05 am
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ALESSIA
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I KNOW YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD THIS, BUT PLEASE PRAY FOR GUIDANCE AND STRENGTH.

December 8, 2001
1:28 am
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damaged
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It starts with one day at a time. Start to talk about what is eating away at you. Focus on the solution to your problems and not on your problems. Anything in life can be fixed, it might not be the way we want it at the time but it can be fixed. It takes hard work and the desire. Talk to someone!!! There are many good people here that know there shit, talk to them.

December 8, 2001
2:47 am
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BROWN-SKINNED GIRL
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I have contemplated a million times in the past of ending my own life so my pain and suffering will also end. But i began to think of those i will leave behind.those i love. And how much they will suffer for what happened to me and the guilt they will feel for not being able to stop me from doing what ive done.Then i realized that self-destruction is such a selfish act. we feel that life has been too harsh and just QUITTING is the easy way out. NOPE. life is joy as well as pain.Jaskid, i dunno what you are going through and i dunno the extent of your pain but we all have our share of sufferings in this world.I started a thread entitled, "Let Me share some words we can all draw strength from".check it out and i will be posting some words i got from my readings and these same words have lifted me up.They are with me in my continuous healing.

December 8, 2001
10:40 am
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Mr. Anonymous
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I know where u stand right now b/c I have been there too. I know it is an awful feeling but you've gotta look deep down inside. When depression took a strong hold in my life, there were days I felt that I just couldn't fight. But, I still pushed on b/c I knew one day it would get better. So Jaskid, it will get better, keep your head up & whatever u do, please, please don't kill yourself.

December 8, 2001
11:31 am
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Jaskid
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Thank You to all of you who understand. I am selfish at times but I agree with brown-skinned, I could never hurt the ones that love me dearly and that I love...they are so precious and innocent, that would be the most selfish act I could ever do. I just wish that I could make a better life for them. Seeing Mommy so down makes them feel sad and not secure. They do not deserve a Mom like that. Somehow, someway, I will get through this...And I know it's going to take every ounce of strength I have to do it. My husband is not there for me because he chooses not to be, but when I climb out of this pit, and see him standing there clapping and saying good job, (when he couldn't even stretch his hand down to me in my most dire time), I am going to walk right by him and keep on going. It may take a long time but I'll dig my way out of this pit if I have to without his help, I've been stuck for too long. One minute at a time....that's all I can handle right now.

:)Jaskid

December 8, 2001
3:28 pm
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eve
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I wish you all the best for every step of your way! Just you go. šŸ™‚

December 8, 2001
5:25 pm
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suzyblue
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Jaskid...do it a minute at a time. Get help. Are you on meds like an antidepressant? If not perhaps this could help you. You could also try Saint Johns Wart...it is an over the counter "vitamin" that helps with mild to moderate depression and also helps with anxiety and sleep. Reach out to those around you that will help. Obviously it isn't your husband and walking right past him sounds like a vision to shoot for and to hold to motivate you. Suicide as you have said is not an answer, not a option as it only hurts the very ones that love you the most.

December 8, 2001
11:13 pm
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Alena
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Jaskid, I just had to respond to such a desperate statement.

I have been where you are...the part about the 500 lbs thing just struck a cord in my memory. When I was so depressed it did feel like I was so, so heavy, like I had the weight of the world on my shoulder, that is exactly what it felt like. Occasionally I start to feel that weight and have to fight it off before it suffocates me...and that's what you must do. I know the feeling of just being tired of the whole friggin thing...just so much easier to check out than to deal with one more thing I cannot handle, because I have a 500 lb world to hold up so it doesn't kill me. I know. But the thing is, if you go with that idea, if you do just give in and call it quits, you will miss that next part of the cycle where you feel good and the weight is lifted, then what? You cut out way too soon, you weren't finished having good times yet, you just didn't have the patience to wait around for it to get better...you know, it usually does, doesn't it??
Sometimes, the weight you feel is brouht about by a physical imbalance, sometimes you need some counseling and/or antidepressants if it's a chronic feeling. You mention kids, that's a very tiring, overwhelming, job sometimes too...and it brings with it alot of guilt when you start blaming yourself for being depressed in front of them..been there too and to this day I hope they have forgotten it and do not ever dwell on it. But, you need to work at getting yourself mentally and emotionally healthy. Can you do that?

December 9, 2001
9:08 am
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damaged
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Alena I like that, you need to work at getting yourself mentally and emotionally healthy. It's hard work but hell it's so worth it!!! I still have miles to go but hey I can see some progress. Jaskid its worth it!!!

December 9, 2001
10:07 am
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Tinkerbe11
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Hi to everyone, I have read all the post.They are most encouraging.It is very hard though to be able to hold your head up high and be strong when you feel so bad.It is so difficult.I often think i can't do it anymore and i am exhausted, but when somehting good comes along, i think it is all worth it again, and when somehting bad happens...well...thats hard!

December 9, 2001
1:30 pm
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cloud
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Jaskid, have you considered counseling?

December 9, 2001
5:36 pm
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Jaskid
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I am going to try and work on getting myself mentally, emotionally, and physically well. I have considered counseling and I think I really need to go. The problem is money and time. I have 5 kids so it's hard to get a babysitter. My husband has 2 jobs and when he's home he does help me with the kids, but I need emotional support as well, which he chooses not to give me. I'm glad I have all of you to turn to. Sometimes I feel so alone, even though my kids are always around, I need big people to talk to. Thanks for caring everyone.

:)Jaskid

December 9, 2001
6:20 pm
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cloud
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Jaskid, do you have time for friends? Is there anyone you enjoy being with, a girlfriend, etc.??? If you don't have time and money for a counselor, maybe you have a good friend that wouldn't mind lending an ear and helping you through??? Since you can't go to your husband???

December 9, 2001
8:33 pm
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damaged
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Just remember God dosen't give us more than we can handle in one day. Jaskid I might not act like a people sometimes but I am (lol) You can bullshit with me anytime ya want to talk. Damaged

December 9, 2001
9:44 pm
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Alena
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Jaskid, since there are a few actual counselors on this site, it might be beneficial for you to vent here, and of course, you are totally anonymous.

But with 5 kids and a husband who works 2 jobs, you still need to get out of that house and away from your responsibilities for a while. You need to get better in touch with you, who you are, besides "mommy"...
Even though husband is working 2 jobs, he is away and interacting with adults. Wouldn't it be nice to have a happy medium where you both were able to hold down one full time job and then have time to enjoy your children together, but in the meantime, find a way to take care of your needs. Exercise is a great way to get those endorphins going, sweat away some stress, stay in shape, think, meditate, even if you could run around the block before the kids get up. Recruit a babysitter for a one hour lunch with a friend, or go window shopping, take a class in the evening.
Many cities have social services with family counseling who work on a scale, depending on how much you make.
Best of luck..

December 9, 2001
11:20 pm
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lost soul
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I know you can make it!! It's just at some point of time, we felt too overwhelming.

I was there before, where nothing is better than giving up life. But today, I thank myself for not taking my own life. I have a new perspective and I want to enjoy life as long as i can live. Not because things has changed better but because I have change my own view. I don't take things so hard anymore and I try to do things that make myself happy instead of always trying to fix things and trying to make others happy.

All the very best to you šŸ™‚ I know you can make it šŸ™‚

December 10, 2001
12:59 am
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suzyblue
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Seems like you are empty. Children are wonderful, but emotionally draining...and 5!! Seems like you have nothing to fill yourself back up. Like you are just always giving and now with nothing that you enjoy doing, something that fills you up you are at the bottom of the barrel emotionally trying each day to dredge up enough to give the ones you love and that need you. Do you have parents you can turn to ... maybe they could take the grandkids for a few hours a couple times a week. Perhaps when your husband comes home, especially considering he isn't helping, you can go have a coffee with a girlfriend or see a movie....something just for you, that makes you happy. I have one child who has ADHD and he is taxing to me. I can't imagion having 5 children to cope with. No wonder you are exhausted! Try to be a little selfish as when you give to much you end up with nothing to give. My heart goes out to you.....

December 10, 2001
2:20 pm
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Molly
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Jaskid, you have been stuck way to long, time to do what ever it is that you need to do, to move on. You know we are here for you, just wish we could all come over, and take turns with the house work and kids, there has to be a way for you to get some support, to much time alone, and no fun, will make you CRAZY. Let us know how we can help here.

December 10, 2001
5:41 pm
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pam g fu
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Jaskid:

we are all broken at one time or another but we have to pick up the pieces and go on especially when others are depending on your. I had the worst thanksgiving ever and the week after that but i managed to have good friends on this site and they really helped pull me through along with myself deciding that i will not accomplish much if i don't pull myself out of it. i and you are the only one that can accomplish that. look up god cares and listens.

December 10, 2001
9:11 pm
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Alena
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Jaskid....where you at today???

How ya doin?

Been thinkin boutcha and your five kids..how old are they? Have you been able to think about a way to get out of the house?

December 11, 2001
11:56 am
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Jaskid
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Alena,

I'm ok, I'm hanging on. I let my husband touch me the other night and now he thinks everything is fine and dandy, but I am still hurting inside.
I feel like I'm suffocating. I called my old friend up who moved to Long Beach Island and I am going to visit her for the weekend. I just need a breather. Even though my house is still a disaster and it's almost Christmas, I'm going. Maybe when I get back my head will be clearer and I will be able to start again, digging my way out. Thanks for thinking of me, it made me feel like I'm not alone.
:)Jaskid

December 11, 2001
12:21 pm
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cloud
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Jaskid, that's good you are going to visit an old friend. Clear your head and take some time for yourself. You've made a good choice. Good luck!

December 11, 2001
1:36 pm
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Molly
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I am so glad that you are going, the damn mess will wait, you'll clean it, and it will happen again, so just don't let the door hit you on the way out. Go, breath, rest, sleep, play, and don't think twice what you left behind. You need this. If you think about extending the time, we all will understand.

December 11, 2001
1:42 pm
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Cici
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Hey Jaskid,

I've been there. Probably will be again. Sometimes I think that's the point. Here's a little story.

Here we are, walking down the path of life. Sometimes we get so concerned with the destination that we look straight ahead. We don't see the landscape around us, the beauty that is available if we only think to perceive it. Sometimes we stop to look around and those moments are glorious, full, times when it just feels RIGHT.

People on their own paths pass by. Or sometimes they intersect. We all have a bag we carry on our backs, filled with regret, sadness, anger, fear, delusion. This is our "baggage". Sometimes when we meet people they put some extra sutff in your bag. Then you try to keep moving forward but somethings's changed. Your bag is so heavy, your feet drag. The world seems like it's a thousand pounds, the sun is a heavy hand pressing you with heat and weight into the ground.

Some people get stuck there. They fall into a hole, a ditch, and can't get out. Sometimes they dig deeper, until they can't see the sun to find their way out. But the ones who survive, who find their way back on the path, are special. They stop and drop the bag and sift through it. They discard the items in their baggage that were left there by other people, they seek to make their load lighter. Then, they pick everything up and keep going.

Sometimes they trip and fall and everything spills out - all the regret, pain, Issues. But you have to just sift through them again. Discard what you don't need, discard what is stopping you from progressing.

It's long. Arduous. Painful. But rewarding because you still move forward. You still progress. And slowly the burden will lighten, and you will notice the scenery, and realize that it isn't about the destination at all. Because each obstacle you conquer DOESN'T make you stronger. It just shows you how strong you ALREADY ARE.

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