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I'm thinking about leaving my boyfriend
September 23, 2008
11:07 pm
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rubytuezday
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I'm a senior in College, about to move on to Grad school. I'm with a guy who is extremely handsome, very witty, very friendly, energetic, attentive, loyal, and sensitive. BUT he also:smokes pot everyday, cigarettes everyday, drinks a lot,does coke on occasion, just barely got a job (which the money he had was from his mother, & the money I ever spent was my own),
doesn’t let me talk when Im upset about something, hates my music, gets mad when I hang out with my friends,
has a tempermental dad, has a pothead wino mom, he's possessive, argues unfairly, and has double Standards. Hes an only child too if that makes any difference.

Bleh... I'm feeling taken for granted, and worn thin. Part of me wants to try to make it work to see if him having a new job, and making an effort in school will change things, because I love how much he wants this to work. But honestly I feel so jaded to the point where its hard to even fake a smile at him. I feel down. I know that I have my own things to work out, its just hard when you have this type of thing going on. Single life was so much EASIER. HELP!

September 24, 2008
2:14 am
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Randomwomen2
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The only way it will change is if he wants to change it. It sucks but no matter how much you want him to change he wont. Have you talked about his habits and how they are hurting you and your relationship with him?

September 24, 2008
2:25 am
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fantas
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RW is right. Here is a post I absolutely love about addicts. It simple and straight to the point:

What Addicts Do

My name's ----. I'm an addict/alcoholic. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

September 24, 2008
10:17 am
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truthBtold
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This guy is a real loser!

Money from his MOTHER??????

He will do nothing but DRAIN YOU every which way and bring you down.

(But deep down in your guts - you already knew that - didn't you?)

I say - just end it - and move on to Grad School and chalk this one up to experience.

This bozo is just bad news!!!!!

September 24, 2008
10:58 am
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MsGuided
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I say think of yourself, look for someone who fits your criteria.

As Truth says, this guy will sponge off of you emotionally, financially and throw some abuse in there too.It will be way worse if you commmit and jion households, and begin working after school.

You listed his good qualities but i suppose those you see when he was courting you in the beginning, how he deals with others who he's less intimate with. He however treats you with disrespect now.
If he doesn't have compassion and change, treating you better after you voice these concerns ( about he treats you) then move on.

You're in an atmosphere where you are exposed to many people socially and academically now so take advantage of that.

I say focus on those who have it more together, share your values and goals, and move away from him.

September 24, 2008
11:02 am
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truthBtold
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There is a wonderful saying.....:

"When people show you who they are the first time.....BELIEVE THEM!!!!!"

September 24, 2008
11:23 am
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tanaskyefullwood
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I Was In A Relinship Recently Like This.Did You Know About These Habbits Before You Starting Dateing Him?0.o
If You Feel Uncomfortable Being With Him Then Leave HIm.DU~UH. Its Nice He WANTS It To Work.....But Do You Know It Wont Work?.....

September 24, 2008
2:22 pm
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rubytuezday
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Thank you for your advice. Everything you all said is what I think about all the time when the going gets tough with him and I. We've been together 6 months, yet to Europe over the summer, had the best time with him, and everything was great. Well except for the blow out nights... and those shouldnt happen!

I almost ended it again last night after I took him to dinner to celebrate getting a new job. I was pissed off because I felt like he would complain about the price if he was paying, and he has before. He makes me dinner a lot though, and buys my drinks. Money shouldnt be an issue, but it always ends up one.

I didnt feel 100% right about it breaking up last night though, because this is transition period for both of us. (Since the semester began, and he got a job.) He keeps saying that this is what is going to help him and us, not to leave, and that he wants to be a better boyfriend for me. I'm going to give it some time. I have a counseling appointment I set up on the 10th. I know thats a ways a way. Its obvious I really need some clarity. It would be so much easier if I wasnt attatched.

Theres got to be reasons Im in this thing; similar sence of humor, family oriented, likes to have a good time, attractive, chemistry, attentive, loyal, good with small animals, he's a good person. But with a substance abuse problem. I like to drink too.. so it doesnt make the arguments easy. We've made this plan to only drink wine and beer and only in moderation. Have plans during the day so were not antsy to party hard during the night. But then he does things like bring beers to the carnival like the other day, or drink before night time class. Smoke weed everyday. Ahhhh. Im unhappy now. How can someone in my state get excepted into grad school?

September 24, 2008
3:17 pm
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UNLbound_403
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Hi rubytuezday,

I think this guy is dragging you down and is going to continue doing so. My HUSBANDs mother is the same way and so is he. He likes pot and drinking and working dead end jobs, the problem is he loves me. So I am in the same situation, but take it from me. DO NOT wait until your married to decide that you really dont want to SETTLE with somebody only because of love.

Love is not enough, you have to have dreams, interests, passion. If you dont have those together then that makes you total opposites.

Sounds to me like you are busting your ass for your future and possibly your future families wellbeing. What is he doing to contribute to that success or happiness?

Dont wait until its too late, move on with your life. And in the future you will find the one that you were meant for. Someone who doesnt do drugs, who has ambition for things besides partying. Hes out there so dont settle for this guy!

Wish you luck!

September 25, 2008
1:04 pm
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StronginHim77
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He is not going to change. He is only going to get worse. MOVE OUT. Get away from him and cut your losses. If you stay with him, his bad behaviors will only accelerate.

This man is not the stuff which good husbands/fathers are made of. He is handsome, charming (he HAS to be charming, to keep a girl around, despite his substance abuse issues) and (presumably) good in the sack. Takes more than that to have a good relationship.

It doesn't sound as if YOUR needs are getting met. Anyone who is constantly smoking weed is incapable of empathizing with -- or loving -- others. It's all about HIM and the pain he is stuffing with the booze/drugs.

You definitely need to get away from him and then do the counseling/therapy to find out why you were attracted to such a guy in the first place. He is a substance abuser. Plain and simple. He has issues. You deserve someone who is a strength and support to you...not a guy who is busy getting drunk/stoned every day.

Get to that counselor and focus on YOURSELF, until you gain the strength to grieve the loss and escape from this unhealthy relationship.

Please keep posting. We will all root for you. Most of us on these threads came here because we were caught up in "toxic" relationships of our own. And many of us are in varying stages of recovery from codependent behaviors.

- Ma Strong

September 25, 2008
5:03 pm
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fantas
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You will know when you are ready. He is not the only one with an addiction. You maybe addicted to him like he is addicted to the booze. Usually it takes a bottomimg out for people to finally let things go. In the mean time, keep reading and posting and good luck with the counseling session. Just know you aren't alone. We understand where you are.

September 25, 2008
5:30 pm
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Shaney
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Hey there ruby -

Not to make light of anything that you're going through, but I don't remember too many guys in college (or girls for that matter) that didn't party like maniacs. Some people grow out of that stage faster than others - but eventually I think that most people DO grow out of it. They move on to grad school, get good jobs, move out of the area, begin more serious relationships.... basically just grow up. I'm not convinced that you should make this guy your main focus (or ANY guy at this point in your life), but I also don't think that a young guy in college, in his twenties, is doomed for life because he parties too much. I do however think that you're growing out of his behaviour and beginning to focus on your future - which you SHOULD. You're young and should take full advantage of everything that life is throwng at you right now - especially grad school. This guy may be hot, and a great time - but he's not the end of your road as far as guys go. Be young and have fun - there is plenty of time to find the right guy. This guy, at this stage in HIS life, doesn't sound like what you're looking for. And if I can give one piece of advice, based on experience, don't WAIT for him to become what you're looking for. It's really easy to fall for someone's potential, and then before you know it, 3 years of your life have gone by and you're in exactly the same spot as you were when you first began to question the relationship. Hang out, stay friends, and keep in touch - it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Just take full advantage of being young and free. :o)

September 25, 2008
5:45 pm
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Shaney
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BTW, your list of good qualities, are cool but aren't the type of qualities that could maintain a healthy relationship. And the bad qualities that you mentioned, are actual personality traits and behaviours that could be deal killers in a relationship. In any case... think about YOU and what you can make of your future. Take care

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