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I'm the daughter of chaos... Isis
March 3, 2007
11:17 am
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Isis
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OK friends I need a little something today. Yup-I need some support. My life has been in chaos for almost three weeks now, and I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

The last time I posted before the chaos began was Feb 22- the day I received the news that my beloved Yia Yia had passed away.
I'm still very saddened by this, as she was the last real link I had to my daddy and his family. It's like that chapter in the Book of Isis is now officially closed. I have such wonderful memories, it's one of the best chapters in my life.

OK, so along with someone dying, there is a gathering of family and friends. Therein lies the dilemma. You see, there is a little sister chapter in my life that has been closed since 2000, and it's still very unfinished.

Sissy and I have not been the same since daddy died. We have mother to thank for that. Mother wreaked havoc on our lives- before daddy died, and even more after.

I'm going skip the gory details for now, because as of right now I have something big to deal with, something I must do today. Last August at my aunties funeral (daddys baby sister) my sissy told me she was expecting her first child. This, after twenty years of trying to become pregnant. A mmonumental event for the both of us really. Her first child, and my first real (of my own blood) niece or nefew.

Well, he's finally here, a baby boy. And now I must gather myself together and take a ride to the hospital and see them- for the first real time since daddy's memorial service. Back then we were still a family. At mothers service, sissy wasn't speaking to me.

She was very different at Yia Yia's funeral. She seemed as though she missed me. She marveled at how much my children have grown, how much they have change over the past seven years. She looked beautiful, all pregnant and ready to pop. It really broke my heart, I so miss her. I just don't know where we stand. There is so much unfinished business still to tend to- well, at least that's my feeling. I think she has just moved on, without me in her life. You see, there were a lot of really aweful things that took place after daddy died, and even more after mother went. I'll talk about that later.

Anyway- I must go- to visit what's left of my broken family. I can't help but wonder; is this a new beginning, or am I going to be hurt all over again? Will things change? Will we move forward? I just don't know, and I'm scared to death.

Thanks for listening,

Isis

March 3, 2007
11:58 am
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ggfred4
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Isis, I hope this is a new beginning especially with the hint of interest by your sister. Sometimes a new baby can do wonders for bringing loved ones together, so I hope this is the case for you and your sister...Take care...let us know how you are doing....(((((Isis))))......gg

March 3, 2007
12:41 pm
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bevdee
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Ah Isis

Me too sugar. I am a daughter of chaos. I am a splitter's daughter. I hope healing can begin between you and your sissy.

Be kind to yourself and speak gently to yourself today.

(((Isis)))

Bevdee

March 3, 2007
12:53 pm
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Hey Isis~

Well, I believe this is the price we have to pay when we come from dysfunctional family and we happen to be the ONLY one who is facing the truth. Other family members are not going to welcome our change and improvement.

I would recommend you to give your sis the benefit of the doubt. Put her to the test and see if she changed genuinely. Most siblings have rivalry & competition issues - yes, as sad as that might sound - it is True! Sometimes, they can even be our sworn enemies and can act in an immature way even when they are older which breaks our heart we younger siblings coz we always look up to them as our role model.

If your sis starts over her old pattern, then I would recommed you to set up your boundaries with her and keep some distance with her.

Healthy relationships between siblings and friends should be based on love of others in the same way we love ourselves. If our siblings are gonna give us messages of jealousy or whatever, better to re-draw our boundaries and keep it formal with them - as sad as that might be.

Best to you! Ras~

March 3, 2007
2:08 pm
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Isis,

I do hope that this is the beginning of a healing process for you and your sissy. I hope that you can talk and start to heal. I hope that you find a great joy in your new nephew...love him to pieces. It is hard telling, this could be what brings you two back together. Just take it slow Isis. Don't jump in with two feet just yet. One foot at a time, test the waters. Don't be so scared that you don't take a chance, but don't put your WHOLE heart out there to be crushed either. Just be careful.

I will be holding you close at this point in time. Close to my heart. I am thinking of you, and wishing for ONLY the best to come to you. Please let us know how things go.

Mich

(((Isis)))

March 4, 2007
8:07 am
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Isis,

Just wondering how things went with your sister. I am thinking of you. Sorry for your pain at this time. I am keeping you in my heart.

Mich

(((Isis)))

March 4, 2007
8:59 am
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Isis,

I'm sorry for all the pain you've been through. I have a sister that is very difficult. We are close as I have no expectation. I love her for who she is and that includes all my faults and hers too. We have choices.
This baby boy child may be the key to healing your relationship. A chance, a bond thaat CAN open the lines of communication so that healing may begin. But remember, we cannot change another. We only own our response.
I will pray that you two become close again and heal from all the hurt that has taken place. It can be done but both of you need to be at the point in the relationship to WANT to do this. You can't change your sister.But if there is just a smidget of light, the door is opening.Take your time, pray, be willing to accept what your sister can give at this time. Look what happened when God sent His only Son! I believe in miracle. and I believe that there are no coincidences either.
Take Care, you are all in my thoughts.
besweet

March 4, 2007
10:29 pm
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Isis
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Good evening ladies,

Thanks for thinking of me and besweet, it's a pleasure to meet you.

Alrighty now! As the title of thread thread reads- I am the daughter of chaos. Yesterday, right as I am getting ready to hit the road to see my sissy, I get a phone call from my boys hockey coach telling me that my husband has fallen on the ice at our boys hockey practice. He never snaps his helmet on correctly and as he was falling the helmet flew off of his head and he smacked the back of his head on the ice- right there in front of the boys. He hit his head so hard that his nose started to bleed. He was very lucky that one of the other coaches is also a doctor, and he tended to him right away. It seems as though he knocked himself out and needed to go to the hospital asap. Long story short, I had to rush to the hospital to be with him. It was pretty bad, he was in such a state- all drowsy and confused. We spent the latter part of the day and night there. He had to have all kinds of x-rays, a ct scan of his head etc, etc. In the end he was diagnosed with a concussion- no bleeding on brain or
fractured skull- thank Mother Earth!He's doing much better today.

So, needless to say, my visit to my sissy was postponed until today. I called he from our ER to tell her what happened and she said she understood, and sent her love and said she looked forward to seeing me tomorrow. Phew!

I got there at around 1:30 and spent the afternoon with her, and left around 5:30. It was a really nice visit, just me, her, her husband and the baby. He's so beautiful, and thankfully very healthy. It was a very relaxed visit, no stress involved, no talk of the past which was a relief for me. She and her husband are eager to move forward as am I. I feel like I'm ready, but I'm just not sure how to proceed. It seems strange to not talk about anything that happened. Perhaps it will come later, or perhaps never. I just don't know. They asked if I would come to visit when she gets home and even extended the invite to my whole family and of course I said yes. It's most definitely a start.

There is a lot more that I need to talk about though. Not necessarily with her right now, but with all of you, or anyone willing to listen and give feedback. I think I'll use this thread to post my thoughts and concerns, as well as my daily struggles. And believe me, I struggle daily.

This morning was just awful. My husband had our oldest son drive him to our youngest boys hockey game. I thought he should stay home and rest- he thought different, so off he went anyway. While he was gone I had a huge argument with my daughter, and before I knew it my middle boy was in on it too. Again, like earlier in the week, it got ugly. Again, I was a horrible mother, totally mishandling things and yelling and swearing in front of them both. What the heck is wrong with me? I feel so awful. All this before I went to see my sissy.

I'm going to take a break for tonight as I am utterly exhausted. I'll be back to post more details of my saga tomorrow.

Thanks everyone for being there and checking up on me today. You have no idea how much it means to me.

Love you,

Isis

March 5, 2007
12:03 am
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(((Isis))) It's gonna be ok. You are gonna be ok.

Sleep good.

Bevdee

March 5, 2007
12:38 am
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(((Isis)))

Take care of you sweetheart.....

Mich

March 5, 2007
11:30 am
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Isis
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Good morning everyone,

I have three things that are eating away at me- three, all at once, and I’m feeling very overwhelmed.

Another tough morning- seems like no matter how much I prepare the night before, it just doesn’t change things around here. This house is always so freaking chaotic in the morning. I had a talk with the two older ones last night; I discussed just how important it is for them to get their school stuff organized the night before; pack their backpacks, make their lunch- and get a good night sleep. They said their usual “OK mom, don’t worry about it, we’ll make the bus in the morning.” Well, needless to say- that was not the case. I get up most every morning between six and six thirty and today was no different- except that I could hear the two of them arguing. They were fighting over who was going to use the computer first, as they both had assignments to print out- homework for school today. WTF is up with this?
Why do they yes me to death? Didn’t we just have this conversation the night before? This BS has a trickle down effect… now the little ones are woken up by the arguing, and they are upset. They immediately get all over the oldest ones case, and go to the defense of my daughter. Well, come to find out, she was dinking around on “Face book” while her brother was waiting to use the printer. Mind you, she supposedly had an assignment she had to print too. I asked my son why he had to use “this computer” instead of “his own”. He replied with- “my printer has been screwed up since December”! Again- WTF, like he couldn’t have shared this info with me or his father? Anyway, the house was in chaos, and of course what do I do? I lose it, again, for the third time in six days. What a way to start the week. Why am I having meltdowns like this? Mind you, this one was mild in comparison to the other two, but still, it sucked just the same. Not only does it suck for the kids, but it sucks for me as well. I feel like such a freak show lately; having meltdowns all of the time in front of the kids. These meltdowns are usually triggered by something going on with them, things that I am finding very overwhelming and tedious to say the least. I’m finding it very difficult to be a good mother lately. Good mothers don’t have meltdowns good mothers don’t swear and freak out at their children. What is going on with me? It’s making me crazy, and it needs to stop. It’s bad for my children.

The second thing bothering me is this thing with my daughter. I posted a while back about this issue with her friends. It seems as though her closest friends come from very dysfunctional families. Her best friend’s mother is an alcoholic- she just got out of rehab for the second time in three months.
Her other good friend’s parents are both alcoholics- who are very much not into getting help at this point in time. All three of these parents have been pulled over for DUI, and one of them went so far as hitting a police officers daughter- while walking in a crosswalk. Because he is so wealthy, he always beats the rap. Go figure. Same goes for the other mother; she is being taken care of financially by her wealthy parents. Mother of earth, what type of message does this send?

My daughter is in a triangle with this best friend of hers. It’s my daughter, her best friend, and whoever else happens to be in the mix at the time. Last week something happened in school. She and her best friend, and another friend of theirs were having lunch at school. They went to sit at a table with some other girls- one of which is very friendly with my daughters “best friend”. This girl is another one that has some family issues. She is a big time drama queen to the point of it being a huge issue in every aspect of her life. Well, the drama queen told my daughter that she had to tell the “third girl” that they didn’t want her sitting at “their table” any more. Imagine that, telling this to my daughter. Well, my daughter told her that she was not going to do that, and said that if so and so can’t sit with them, than she would move to another table as well. Meanwhile, the “best friend” is again at the center of this whole scene. You get the picture here? So the best friend goes to the rescue of my daughter, and meanwhile the drama queen is having a fit, making my daughters life a living hell, then, and all the rest of the week too. It was so bad that my daughter had to seek advice from her guidance counselor.

I had a long talk with my daughter about this triangle thing; however, I’m not sure she really gets it though. I am having a hard time with this “best friend” of hers. She really is a cute kid, and the whole family enjoys having her around. The thing that is bugging me is that this girl has a need for all of the attention. I’m sick and tired of it being at my daughter’s expense though. It pains me to listen to my daughter tell me that she is her best friend, when I can see with my own eyes that this girl is at the top of the triangle, and that she has no intentions of giving up her drama queen friend who continues to persecute my daughter as well as her other friends. IMHO, these two girls are toxic, and I want my daughter out of the mix. This too, is making me crazy.

The third thing is my sissy, and right now, having taken the first step to healing with her, I feel like she is the least of my worries at this point in time. However, there are still many things still to talk about with you all, surrounding the events that took place. Why am I putting this on the back burner again? Why is it so difficult for me to open up? I know I need to get it off my chest- what gives? I feel like I was shoved into this with her before I could get some feedback from you all. They baby coming was what did it. Still, it’s no excuse not to deal with my box of stuff. I’ll get there, though, perhaps after this other stuff gets ironed out.

Sorry about how lengthy this was; I’m sure it must sound like one heck of a rambling.

Thanks for listening,

Isis

March 5, 2007
12:39 pm
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lollipop3
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Isis,

"..., and one of them went so far as hitting a police officers daughter- while walking in a crosswalk."

Interesting.

I'm sorry that you are struggling lately but please try not to be so hard on yourself. It seems like you've got a lot on your plate right now....and with the kids..... I was screaming and swearing at my computer for them to 'KNOCK IT OFF'...just reading about it!

I'm not sure how much time you take for yourself but that may be one very important ingredient missing here. If you don't already, perhaps you can pick a time....a few hours during the week or on the weekend where hubby and kids have to fend for themselves while you take a "Isis time"...to allow yourself to relax and decompress. Whether it be a nice bath...a long walk....watching the movie you've been wanting to see by yourself in your room....whatever. Just as long it is with you and you alone.

Good luck my friend....my thoughts are with you.

Love,
Lolli

March 8, 2007
9:34 am
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(((Isis)))

(((Isis)))

I will make a point of being here tonight- if you want to talk.

I am late starting off to work-

Bevdee

March 8, 2007
11:50 am
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Isis
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Thank you bev, I'll try to be here, I'll look for you.

Wow, I thought I was doing well- then whammy! I feel like I'm in the throws of an emotional breakdown.
I'm not sure why, but I think it may be a combination of things. Every little thing is getting to me; my husband, my kids, my lack of focus and most of all my lack of ambition. It seems as though when I focus real hard on my inner self, I let everything else go. I'm not like you bev- I don't get into cleaning or folding laundry. I sit and brood, and and think, and stress out. Then the tears come- like last night. I had a rough evening, couldn't get along with anyone, couldn't get out of my own way- didn't get dinner ready. In turn, I pissed off my husband, and he was very ugly to me.

I think that I have been so preoccupied with my sissy that I've sort of put everything else on the back burner. I'm not very good at dealing with more than one or two things at a time. I can multi-task, but I can't handle multi-emotions.
I'm good at compartmentalizing, but I tend to leave some boxes unattended to for too long.

Anyway, it was soooo quiet around here on Monday, the wind was blowing like mad and it was below zero with the wind chill. I spent lots of time thinking and writing, posting to to various different people, and before I knew it, the day was gone. I got very little done and it showed. Then Tuesday was much the same, except that my husband was trying to reach me all day and couldn't. That's because the damn phone was shut off because I forgot to pay the bill. I never even noticed, I hadn't had a phone call since Monday afternoon.
Oh well. Needless to say- my husband was livid. How embarrassing, the Doc's home phone was shut off because his space-shot wife forgot to pay the bill ( for two months!) Oooohhhh...

Then last night he calls after our sons hockey practice and asks "what's for dinner" and I say "I dunno how about some grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup?" Well... let me tell you... that's not what he wanted to hear! He yells- WTF, I'm not eating grilled cheese sandwiches and freaking tomato soup from the can! OH WELL- then go out, I say. And so he did, but there was just one little problem- he forgot his bank card back here at the house.(he had to use it to pay the phone bill and forgot to put it back in his wallet) So he calls me even more pissed than before, and proceeds to tell me to look for his card and call him back- and click- he hangs up. I found the card, called him back, and he tells me to get on-line and make a money transfer so that he can use another card- one that is ONLY for his boat payment! So I do as I am told, however, I don't have the damn account numbers and passwords because that's his shtick, not mine. So, I ask for the numbers etc, and he's like the fucking CIA with repeating this info over the phone, and proceeds to tell the passwords in fucking riddles that I'm supposed to figure out. What the fuck! Needless to say, I got it wrong, and locked us both out of everything. The damn website had a meltdown and disappeared from the screen. He was like a raped ape, and click- he was gone again.

About a half hour later he comes bombing in the house and lets me have it...

You are so pathetic, you can't get out of your own way... the laundry is piling up, you didn't make dinner, you forgot to pay the phone bill, you forget everything! You're crying at the drop of a hat, you stopped exercising, you're in a daze! What is the matter with you! And you know what else, I think you need to get checked by a neurologist because that Lyme disease has affected your brain. You can't even figure out the password without getting it wrong and you've locked us out of our account!

That really hurt. I ran upstairs and locked myself in my room, and he took the damn card and took himself and ONE child to dinner. The other three had to stay home and bear witness to yet another one of mom's meltdowns. (the 4th in two weeks)

I cried all night, I didn't go to bed, I didn't watch TV, I didn't come here- nothing. I was numb, my head hurt, and I was sick to my stomach- I felt like was going to vomit. And it gets worse. Around 1:30 my youngest came down with legs cramps and needed tending to so I took care of him, put him back to bed, and continued to cry, and cry and cry. I was frightened- of what, I don't know. Around 3:30 I noticed it was getting very cold so I went to turn up the heat and it wouldn't go on. DAMN IT ALL ISIS- you forgot to call the oil man- we ran out of oil on one of the coldest nights of the year. I knew it, he reminded me on Tuesday, I forgot.

I"m tired, and I feel like shit. My husband called and said to try to relax and take a nap. He doesn't want me to be a zombie when the kids get home from school. It's his call night, so he'll be late. Oh yay- I think.

There's issues here, and I've got to get a hold of myself. The last thing I want is for me to be like her. I would rather die than be a mother like her.

Sorry about the rambling, I just needed to let that out.

Isis

March 8, 2007
6:05 pm
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bevdee
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Isis

I hate it for you that you are having such a hard time. I am kind of scatter-brained, because I live in my head alot, I think. So- I make lists- everyday. If I am lucky, I don't run off and forget the list!

I have to write the passwords down because they are not all the same.

Do you get Schwann foods where you are? They have great frozen food and I have passed some of their stuff off as homemade. They have a truck that comes to your house. You can order online and they will bring it to you.

Practical solutions - (((Isis)))

March 8, 2007
6:13 pm
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(((Isis)))) I am sorry you are going through so much. I too don't handle the multi-emotional situation, so I understand. Like bev, I must make lists or I couldn't remember anything because I get so overwhelmed with responsibilities. I love post-it notes, notepads, etc.

I hope it helped for you to clear your head by coming here to the aac. Feel free to vent anytime...

Take care sweet girl......gg

March 9, 2007
11:32 pm
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(((Isis))) thinking of you. I hope things are going better for you.

Bevdee

March 10, 2007
8:57 pm
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Isis
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Thanks everyone (((Lolli, gg, bev)))

The last couple of days have been better. How is it that all of the sudden the haze lifts and things get better? Wow, was I in a bad way. Thanks for the advice, and thanks for listening to me bitch and moan and cry.

Love you chickies,

Isis

March 12, 2007
9:58 pm
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(((Isis)))

Checkin on ya!!

March 15, 2007
8:17 am
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(((Isis)))

Wondering about you.

March 18, 2007
9:15 pm
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Isis
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Hey bev,

I've been kind of lying low- a certain topic of discussion really got to me last week. It seems to have triggered some stuff so I decided to take a step back and try to deal with these feelings rather than beat myself up. It was like talking to the wall, you know- being invisible. I can't even really put it into words, and it makes my blood boil every time I try to rationalize the behavior. I hate feeling invisible, and I can't stand arrogance.

Just another thing to add to my list.

I'm around, just not saying much.

Thanks for checking in on me though- I'll be back to chat soon enough.

March 18, 2007
9:22 pm
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Isis

I'm so glad to see you.

"It was like talking to the wall, you know- being invisible." I think I might know.

Thanks for letting me "see ya" for a minute.

(((Isis)))

March 18, 2007
9:23 pm
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Isis,

I was thinking about you this morning. I hope that you are doing ok. I have been thinking about you. Good to see you around. I too, have not been around much the last couple of days...just wanted to say hey...

Love to you

Mich

(((Isis)))

March 18, 2007
9:32 pm
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Isis
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(((Mich)))

Just posted to you on your thread.

(((Bev))) miss you- I'm coming around.

March 18, 2007
9:36 pm
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Isis

If I am right in what I think I might know about your post, then I want to thank you.

If not, and you want to talk about it sometime down the road, I will be here.

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