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I'M SUCH A PUSH OVER!!
June 14, 2007
11:10 pm
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santino
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Fantas: Thanks. It aint easy but it has to happen. Thanks for your support! 🙂

June 15, 2007
8:54 am
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risingfromtheashes
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santino...I understand your urge to "say it one last time"...I DO.

BUT PLEASE take this from someone who has walked a mile in your shoes.

Taking her next call, reading the letter, is ONLY going to leave the door open for yet another phone call.

You HAVE told her your feelings. You HAVE told her to stop calling. You HAVE told her everything - time and time and time again.

This girl is going to stop calling for a while...then resume again...knowing you will bed and break like last time.

You will know when you are finally ready for no contact...cuz it will happen with no fanfare, no last farewells, no last words, no last shot, no NOTHING.

It will just end. You will stop taking her calls and she will eventually get the hint and stop calling.

Why do you have to explain? At this point, she should know...she WILL get it.

If you have to - hire a damn secretary to take all your calls - a high schooler for the summer - on your own dime if you have to - to field all your calls - and not pass on hers....not even tell you if she calls. Since you can't avoid her calls at work.

TRUE no contact starts when you get rid of the desire for "one last word".

No contact IS the LAST word.

Please consider letting that letter be....and just stop the contact....no last word, no fanfare.

Cuz realistically, the fanfare is just one last attempt at manipulation and control. And realistically, it isn't going to do a shit bit of good. And if she is like all the others who get these types of letters, she is going to try and make you feel bad...try to negotiate...try to make you feel guilty for wanting this...or do something that triggers something in you that makes you contact again.

Think about this -

If she says "ok, if that's what you wish" - and walks away - you will be left upset cuz she gave up so easily - not fighting for you, which is ULTIMATELY what you want.

AND

If she fights for you - it will leave you frustrated and unsure of your next move, cuz MAYBE she still wants you, MAYBE there is still a chance.

Letters like this make more of a mess than you want. Your goal is to cut off cleanly...this letter will NOT give you that...it will only open the door for more drama. I promise you that.

IN the end, you will do what you need to...and this may go on for a while longer. Go to the no contact threads...read the other experiences...I promise you, I am not the only one that went thru this.

Also, seriously consider some kind of 12 step program...this addiction is not going to go away easily.

June 15, 2007
9:45 am
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taj64
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My therapist told me that the door would have to be closed. That by leaving it as open that he would call me. She told me to write it out, have a plan, be polite but firm and leave emotion out of it. SHe said by doing this, I have control over my own actions, that I am in charge of my own life and not giving in. Having a plan like this is therapeutic in my opinion. You need to have power and control in your hands. It can be painful possibly but doing so, closing this door allows you to move on and not play this waiting around. You will always be in limbo. This girl does not really want to be with you and you know this deep down. If she did she would be making herself available to you and she not waste time and she would have no second thoughts about it. She just would do it. Being friends might be an option for you but with your strong feelings for her, you are just going to keep getting hurt over and over. Im not suggesting calling her or anything but I do believe that a plan can be in place because she will call again and you know this. Having control over your own life will feel much more powerful than to have hope and settle for the waiting game. She needs to let you go and stop being selfish. Have you read that book Journey from Abandonment? It is such a good book. Try to read that...you will have a better understanding of yourself. I thought it was one of the best self help books I have ever read. Try it out.

June 15, 2007
10:02 am
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StronginHim77
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I agree 100% with Rising's posting. Hire a summer-break student to answer the doggone phone at work. And don't take her calls.

If that is impossible (because you don't own the business), have a "plan" ready for her next call: HANG UP. As soon as you hear her voice, HANG UP. She calls back? Repeat: HANG UP. Do not "engage." As soon as you speak to her, you are engaging. You are dancing the dance again.

HANG UP. DO NOT ENGAGE. NO CONTACT.

And definitely join a CODA group and get a sponsor...someone you can call, whenever you are feeling vulnerable or depressed, tempted to resume contact, etc.

- Ma Strong

June 15, 2007
1:26 pm
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lettingo
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Santino,
Do you REALLY want this to end. If the answer is no, than that is fine you're not ready. I just seems like you continue to engage in this over and over and the only one who is keeping this going is really you. My ex would still be calling me if I hadn't changed my numbers. I changed them because I really really wanted to stop the dance because it was killing me. Maybe, you really aren't ready. My suggestion, write a letter but don't send or read to her. JUST STOP taking her calls. It really is that simple if again it's what you want. I think you are making this too comlicated and dragging up a lot of drama for your life.

June 15, 2007
1:41 pm
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lettingo
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santino
How are you being used? Just confused about that.

June 15, 2007
7:21 pm
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taj64
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Santino I was wondering how you were coping and how you were doing today. You know despite all these obstacles you face, despite the fact that she has a way of interrupting your life the way she does, you really have come along way. I have come a long way myself. My ex has been sort of from a distance our paths have crossed but life does go on despite it. It might seem like the logical thing to do on paper, what others say, but this is your life, and you do know eventually this will be just a memory. I think your plan is a good one. That is exactly how I think. It is really easy to say hang up, but this is a person you truly loved and despite her not the best of intentions, she is still a grown up just like you, and maybe she is not quite mature but yet she is still grown up just like you. If you can talk and laugh then of course you can deal with all this the next time there is contact, deal with it as grownups. It might be hard but it would be good to acknowledge each other, have that pact and an understanding even if is not exactly what the two of you want to do as so many times desires win over. But when other people are involved then a hard decision sometimes is best. For you, it is your children. I doubt they would want you to be pining over this woman. And for her it is her BF. I do not think you are pushover. It is a matter of the heart tugging over the head. Sometimes the heart is stronger. And right now that is what is happening. Your thoughts that you wrote out, they made sense to me, a plan, an active plan as if you know what to do, and that requires strength and will power. You deserve credit here. It is all a process and time takes care of this. Well let me know how you are doing. Im sure you have a lot to think about.

June 16, 2007
3:57 am
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santino
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.

June 16, 2007
11:09 am
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santino
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Hello all. Wow, I got loads of responses! 🙂 Thats nice. So much good advise, I love it!!

Rising: I see your point, I told her not to contact me before, who's to say that she wont do it again. Even if I do read the letter to her.

Writing the letter, pitting it all down on paper was very theraputic for me. Something about me always wants to end things on good terms. Every girlfriend I have ever had has always ended on good terms, I made a point of doing that. 🙂

This is a girl who at one time, was very important to me, I really felt as she was my soul mate, she felt the same, or so she said at the time. 🙂 To let her go the first time was hard, this time wont be any diffrent, but it will be done, I have no doubt of that.

I know see, as many of you hve told me countless amounts of times. 🙂 I'm not the most important person in her life anymore. I'm someone to lean on when things aren't goin so great for her. Thats not good enough for me, I don't want to be the shoulder to cry on for her anymore. It hurts to much, I still love her.

Sometimes love isn't enough. Shes moved on and in many ways I have to. I wake up every morning and pray for a great day for me and my kids, and all of you of course. 🙂 My faith in God and in myself has really helped me these last few days. Thank you for reading and writing my friends. Thank You so much, I'm truelly blessed to have stumbled across this website, one desperate night. 🙂

June 16, 2007
9:38 pm
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taj64
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Hi I know what you mean about all this. I have the same with my ex even though it is easy for strangers, etc. I know my ex still has a connection with me however we know that we cannot have that anymore. But the good news is that we do go on. And we can make it, and we can make on our own. Many people cannot do that. I am grateful to have learned all this and on my own.

June 17, 2007
4:10 pm
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santino
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Thanks for the words Taj!! I know what you mean about the connection. I feel as if I will always love her. But, I'm tired of it. I really am! Tired of talking about it, tired of thinking about it. I'm ready, ready to just move on. 🙂

June 19, 2007
11:05 am
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taj64
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hello Santino. How are you?

June 19, 2007
11:58 am
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santino
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I'm doin alright. I just got a big fat juicy raise at work, the catch? I'm being transferred! 🙂 It has it's ups and downs, 1 it's about 10 miles farther than my current location. On a good note, it's a brand new restaurant. It's kind of an honor to beasked to go to a new store, I'm flattered. 🙂

She hasn't called yet, I'm glad about that. I'm hoping she just doesn't call anymore. Wishful thinking huh?! 🙂

June 19, 2007
9:54 pm
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taj64
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whahooooo. Congratulations to you. I too got a raise. I tihnk we are soult mates sometimes. New things in life that we deserve, put things in perspective. It does not mean we forget though. But we move on whether we want to or not. LIfe goes one. Live it whether or not it works out with that old love. Eventually a new love will happen. Look around you. It could be you next. Just don't know when but it will. It will feel different and be different. But in time. Just like that raise you got it. BUt it took time.

June 20, 2007
11:26 am
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santino
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Thanks Taj! Congrats to you too!! I gues we really are soul mates! 🙂

June 22, 2007
4:37 pm
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taj64
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hello Santino. How are you doing? I hope you are getting out there more.

I absolutely love my job. It has made a huge difference for me. And more money is great. Now if I can sell my house then I have yet another great change to look forward to. Patience is a virtue and good things come to those who wait. SO I been through a long journey and slow is good this time. Rushing into things proves to backfire so I have learned this the hard way.

June 23, 2007
2:44 am
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santino
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Hey Taj!! Glad to hear that your happy with your job!!! Good for you!!! Things have been ok with me. More money = new car!! I bought a new car today and kicked it off with a hot date!! 🙂 We had a good time! I'm goin to bed now, I have to work tomorrow morning so I'l say good night and good to hear from you!! 🙂

June 23, 2007
8:31 am
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taj64
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well that is just so awesome. Tell me, tell me what kind of car? And tell me, tell me about the date too. The good stuff needs to be explained too. This is all good. Im happy for you.

June 23, 2007
9:13 pm
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santino
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Hey Taj!! I went from a gas guzzling Tahoe, to a gas savin nissan ultima hybrid. I love it!! Feels wierd being so low to the ground thoug! 🙂

The date was fun, shes actually an old friend, shes a HUGE Pittsburg Pirates fan, shes originally from Pitburg. So I thought it would be nice to surprise her to an Angel Pirates game! She was so excited, we had a blast, my Angels won it in extra innings! 🙂 It was so much fun, we both had turns to heckle eachother, in the end I had the last laugh. 🙂 It was fun!!

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