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I'M SUCH A PUSH OVER!!
June 12, 2007
3:09 pm
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santino
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I'm such a push over!! 🙂

She called again!! The ex! I had it all planned out what I was gonna do and say. As soon as I heard her voice, I couldn't do it. We quickly rolled in to our usual playfull manner. We laughed, we joked, I know it's not the same in regards to love or anything like that. It's more like friends who haven't seen or spoken to eachother in a long time. We said our goodbyes and hung up. I stayed away from the difficult questions, this time it didn't hurt.

I let go 4 months ago and I just can't seem to do it this time. I know we have no future together but sometimes I feel as if I owe her. During our rocky relationship I was not a very nice person at times. Sometimes I feel like her wanting to talk to me after everything I did to her is like her way of forgiving me for all that I did. It feels good to know shes forgiven me for all that I did wrong.

Now the question, when we talk about nothing we laugh and joke it's fun. But when I hear how shes moved on with someone else, it hurts. At what expense do I allow this interaction to continue. Is it worth talking to her, thinking she still respects me at the expense of my feelings? I don't know, I just wish I didn't care what people thought of me so much.

June 12, 2007
3:18 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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it's your choice.

there is a very wise chick here, her name is lolli.

and she came here alot, got alot of feedback about what she SHOULD do, most of what she already knew confirmed.

somewhere along the way, sweet lollis said "fuck it" and stopped asking for advice and stopped trying to be so perfect.

she goes with the flow and so what if she is making mistakes.

and right now, it seems to be working for her.

not to say she is doing things right, but at least she isn't stressing about it, what she SHOULD be doing, and stressing about how to fix it.

Instead of worrying about doing everything so perfectly, she just gave up and just went with the flow.

Now - does that mean she is making progress? dunno...is she happy?...she seems to be more content from what I see...is it working for her? seems to be...will she get to a better place? who knows...but the rate she was going before, she wasn't either. So, she chose to enjoy the ride, even if it's dysfunctional and go with it...accept it for what it is.

From what I gather, she's still doing the same type of dance with the ex...but in a disconnected way. And it's ok.

She kind of stalled out...not moving ahead, but not moving forward.

and it's working for her.

you can see her posts...I think it's called lolli's update or something like that. ask her.

I would say that if the pain of being in touch is unbearable...then don't do it...but if it's just wiping you out to say no...and you can handle the occasional disappointments...then why not go with it until you are ready to move on. Yeah, maybe it will keep you stuck...maybe it will keep you from finding true love...maybe it will keep hurting. But in the end - sometimes trying to do everything so "right" is more painful than just going with the flow for a while....until you get to the point you know what you want next.

Obviously this IS a one sided deal...she calls you, you can't call her....and she is with someone new...and so on.

but if it's ok with you...then don't beat yourself up.

June 12, 2007
3:45 pm
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santino
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Rising: Hi, I didn't think about it that way. I hate to be used. I can't allow myself to be used.

June 12, 2007
3:53 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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santino...yeah, I think you know it...you have mentioned it before.

your relationship is a one way street, you have known that and frequently mention it.

Here's the thing.

I was friends with my exex's best friend...I would call him at my leisure to chat...say hi...but also to find out how my exex was doing.

it was a one way street...he never called me...but yet, when I did call, he was always glad to chat with me for hours...we have always been like that.

it was only until I chose to close the chapter on my past...so I could move on with the present and future, that I stopped calling him.

It did me NO good to know what my exex was up to. It only kept my foot in the door. And honestly, I only now realize I don't want it there...well, not "NOW" but in the recent past.

I owe it to my current partner to be "fully" involved with him...and I can't be if I have one foot in the past all the time.

But I had to come ot this in my own time...and some days I get the urge to call him to yack...but then go find something more healthy to do.

it is my past and I intend to keep it there.

I think what you need to do is figure out what you can and can't do right now.

Can you say no?

if not, then can you accept what little she is giving you? including the yucky stuff when she mentions her current partner?

you have two choices - stay stuck or let go.

either is ok to choose...just make it and be done with it.

yes, it is hard...it takes willpower...I don't want you to think the answer is "that simple".

but in all reality - the more you swear her off, then start talking to her again, the more you beat yourself up for it. THAT's the part that's hurting you. and it's YOU hurting YOU...not her.

It's your choice to take the call or not...it's your decision to keep going thru the pain.

BUT - if you decide yeah, it's ok, I can keep talking to her...and let go of the "I shouldn't be talking to her" stuff, then it won't hurt so much.

I think your pain is coming from you kicking yourself in the backside every time you break your promise to yourself that you are done with her.

June 12, 2007
4:45 pm
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lettingo
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Santino,
You just seem to spend so much time and energy on this person. Is it really worth it? Only "you" really know the answer to that question.

June 12, 2007
5:14 pm
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santino
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Lettinggo: I know I spend alot of time thining about someone who is invloved with someone else. I hate that I let it take up alot of my time. I began to resent her, but it's not her, it's me. Like Rising said, the choice is mine. I have to do whats best for me. I know the right answer, I just have to execute.

June 12, 2007
5:30 pm
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glittered when he walked
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well knowing the path and walking it are 2 different things, but don't focus on the length of the path...just the first step. best of luck!

June 12, 2007
5:38 pm
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lettingo
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santino,
You sound like you've grown through this. Just your comments it's not her it's me and and that this is your choice. That's what it is all about...Growth. You'll get there. You will eventually get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

June 12, 2007
5:49 pm
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santino
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Lettingo: Spot on!! I'm sick of this shit! 🙂

June 12, 2007
5:50 pm
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StronginHim77
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Santino -

I don't think you are ready to make a break with her. Hearing from her is still very important to you. It's like you "come to life" when the chaos returns, via another phone call from her.

So, I would just accept that this is the way it is and roll with it.

- Ma Strong

June 12, 2007
8:05 pm
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taj64
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tell you what, this girl I do not like. Because she clearly does not respect you at all. I know it must be hard for you but everything that door is opened even an inch, you want it to be wide open and for her to come on in, in all her fullness but guess what, that is NOT going to happen. She just want to have you as a side kick, to boost her ego because she feels all good for a few seconds. But how about you in this? I don't see you just going with the flow of it, knowing you. I sense that this hurts you and keeps you in hopeful stage. There is no hope. She will never be able to give you the relationship that you want. You are not going to be open to anyone else until you heal. Everytime you allow her to call, your wound is deepened. Put this though in your head to possibly think about telling her not to call you anymore. It is ridiculous. She is not truly being faithful to her new guy by calling you so who is to say if she ends up coming back into your life, she won't be contacting this other guy on the side. Come on Santino, give this fight up. Sure I cannot tell you what to do but don't you think you could have control in telling her to get on with things. It is not fair to you, not one bit. Having control for your life will empower you more and eventually she will fade. But not this way, it won't fade. Open your heart to other things now, stop wasting your time. you're too young to be wallowing over some woman who obviously is seeking attention because of her own low self esteem. I know you can do tihs, give it a try. There are plenty of women out there ready to meet you only until she is out of your mind and daily thoughts. She will only pop into your minds on occasion if you let it fade. This is never going to be, so why prolong it? OK did my straighten your A$$ talk. get busy.

June 12, 2007
9:04 pm
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justfore2day
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Santino~

There's a saying in the Twelve Step community that says choosing not to make a decision is making a decision. It's clear to me that you are not quite sure what you want to do yet. Keep seeking the truth and it will come. Be gentle with yourself and allow the answers to come to you. Trying to force a solution won't help things. You'll only feel more anxiety.

It's normal to feel "left behind" and grieve when someone who was important to us has seemed to move on. Allow yourself to feel it. Feelings are feelings, neither right or wrong, they simply are. Take care!

June 13, 2007
6:39 am
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santino
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Hello all, thank you all so much for posting. I always find comfort posting here, and reading from my good friends thanks alot all! 🙂

I know I leave the door open, I know it's my fault. I know what needs to be done. I'll do it. I have no choice. I'm tired of all this. This relationship has ran it's course. I'm sick of it. Thanks again all.

June 13, 2007
8:27 am
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risingfromtheashes
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taj said "she doesn't respect you".

well...I don't think santino respects SANTINO.

IF he respected his own self, he wouldn't be allowing this to happen.

Like I said, she may be taking advantage of the situation, but he is allowing it.

Once you become "aware" of the bad habits you are doing, then it's your responsibility to stop them, or your responsibility for the outcome if you don't.

awareness sucks.

but really, the responsibility to send her packing or allow her to stay is on santino.

as Ma said...maybe you aren't ready to make any decisions...so just roll with the situation as it is...and not stress over it...until you ARE ready to make a firm stand and end it.

June 13, 2007
10:58 am
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santino
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Hi rising: You are absolutely right. For many months now, I blamed her for my pain, I blamed everyone and everything else except myself. It was easier that way. I realize that I can't control her from calling or not calling. I can only control myself.

Honestly, Ma Strong had a good point that I'm trying to explore, she said "when she calls you come to life" thats so true. I could be sad, but when I hear her voice I feel alive! I hate that I find happiness in someone who finds hapiness in someone else. I have so many other things to be happy about, my career, my KIDS!, my friends, etc. Time to start channeling my happiness to someone who deserves it. Thanks 🙂

June 13, 2007
1:16 pm
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taj64
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The same could be said about my ex. I know just by any contact with him, we are starting up. We do have a connection, one that probably won't ever truly go away that is the need for no contact. I realize just seeing him for a second or any type of communication causes a stir and yes a sting at the same time. But it up to me to stick to the no contact. He won't contact me. We are supposed to have an agreement. And overall we stick to it. We did have some contact about a month but we did not keep it going. the power is truly in our hands. I know you do not have control when she does call but there are ways to get around this. Change your phones numbers. SCreen your calls. DOn't take the call if someone else answers. IF you do end up talking to her, tell her, tell her plain as day that it causes you hurt when she does and for her not to call you. Believe me she will not call you back. Maybe a part of you doesn't do this because then you know eventually she will call. You are not to blame, quit the blame game. The problem with this feeling alive with a person we feel connected with is that it is short-lived. And depression sinks in. This is what you want to avoid hitting that depression. Realizing the pattern though hard, at least you are aware. Things will fall into place if you let this girl fade into the distance. That is why no contact - absolute no contact - is very important. It takes years to get over otherwise. I know it has taken me years to get over my ex. Only when heal is when I truly do want to be with someone else or at least try it out. The rest of the dates I had were just escaping. All you can do is keep on trying. I think you can do it. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

June 13, 2007
3:06 pm
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lettingo
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Santino,
I just think it is dangerous and a codependancy setup to think someone else hold "that" key to you being happy. Nobody should have that job because it is impossible to fill those shoes. WE can only fulfill that. When you get to the point when you realize you contain everything you need, then you will realize you have no real need or use for dysfuctional people.

June 13, 2007
3:23 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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santino...I know I asked once before, but not sure what your answer was.

Have you considered going to coda meetings, alanon or therapy/counseling?

Like any addiction, your ability to succeed rises with support groups and therapy.

She IS an addiction...you get high from her phone calls and crash afterwards.

It's not as simple as "I'll focus on something else"...cuz if it was, you would have done it by now, not kept repeating this pattern.

Not meaning to sound harsh.

But seriously...figuring out what drives your addiction to her...can help you heal those issues, so you can get her out of your life and have a healthier relationship with a new partner.

June 13, 2007
3:30 pm
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santino
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I'm trying team, believe me. When ever she pops in my head, I try to think of something else like my kids or things I have to do. Like I said I have so much to be happy for, it's just a matter of making my mind change.

June 13, 2007
3:35 pm
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santino
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Rising: I was going to counceling for about a year and it helped in the start, but it began to get repetitive, or maybe I began to get repetitive. This is my source of help. I have gotten better advise here than anywhere, and it's free! 🙂

The addiction is true, I never thought of it that way. I wish I knew why I get high to hear from her, I really don't know the answer. The truth be told, our relationship was aweful. We fought all the time. We couldn't go out much, we had to hide all the time from people, we couldn't let anyone know we were together because I could get fired. We had little in common. We were 10 years apart in age. I really don't know! I wish I had the answer but I don't.

June 13, 2007
3:41 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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A) you may need a new therapist
B) keep searching until you find the answer.

have you read codependent no more? or women who love too much (you can learn from it, even if not a woman)?

both are FANTASTIC and may help you get to those answers.

also, coda meetings in your area are free and may help with that addiction....www.coda.org has meeting lists in all areas.

seriously...I wonder how much we ARE helping you here...cuz you seem to be repeating the same pattern over and over....and each time you "get it", then come back a short time later and complain about slipping into old habits.

alcoholics that quit cold turkey, without therapy/meetings are called dry drunks because even tho they aren't drinking, their dysfunctional behaviours remains...their thoughts, their actions, their state of mind.

codep. is no different.

you can swear her off...but until you get to the bottom of "why"...you will be bound to repeat the same mistakes.

trust me, been there, done that...I thought finding a new partner who was "better" would fix it...I ended up getting the same guy in a different package...and it took me a while to see it...by then, I was invested and "stuck"....tried to stick it out and work on it...failed and lost another two years.

you don't want to keep repeating this.

and your luck with finding new healthy women hasn't been the greatest...you seem to attract more dysfunction.

I hope I am not being harsh.

if nothing else - read the books...do the homework in them.

if you really want to beat this, consider meetings or another therapist.

and yeah, therapy only works if you want to help yourself...if you aren't willing to quit the addiction, a therapist won't do a lick bit of good...so if you continue to engage with her....don't go. But if you are serious about quitting and want to understand "why"...then go.

June 13, 2007
4:17 pm
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santino
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Rising: Thanks for the advise. Don't worry about being harsh with me, sometimes thats the only way I learn. 🙂

I'm gonna look into the coda web page. I have been delaying it for so long now, can't hurt to try right?! Thanks! 🙂

June 13, 2007
5:46 pm
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lettingo
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risingfromtheashes, Excellent advice! I agree, addictions or repeating habits cannot be done by will power alone. If it could we'd have A LOT less addicts in the world. I am a recovering alcoholic and I tried a hundred times and so many different ways to JUST STOP but until I got help in a 12 step program, I just kept doing the same thing. I also go to Alanon and I went to CoDA which I love. Again, great advice.

June 14, 2007
9:14 pm
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santino
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Hello all. For the last couple of days I have been woundering how I was gonna end this and what I'm gonna say. I decided to put it all on paper in a letter form. It was such a relieve writing all down on paper. I saved it in my office so the next time she calls I can read it to her. It's respectful but very direct. Basically its telling her I don't want her to call me anymore etc. After writing it, I felt like I had weight lifted off my mind. I have it all down on paper just waiting to say whay I want to say. The next time she calls, nothing will be left unsaid. I'm gonna put it all out there and end it on my terms. No mistakes this time. I wont be used. Thanks for reading all! 🙂

June 14, 2007
11:00 pm
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fantas
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Santino...Way to go!!!! I have to say that I really appreciate your struggle and that you are willing to share your struggle over this woman so openly and from your heart. I have never dated a man so open and with feelings as your are. So thank you for your courage and honesty. All the best with the letter, I hope she gets it loud and clear this time...Cheers

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